StrongerTogether

[StrongerTogether]

The police gave me some leaflets about victim support, and a number to call to try and get an injunction if this all falls through. But, I would just like to be kept updated, y’know!

Oh I bet, if he has been let off, that will be rubbed in my face forever more.

Now I’m getting to the stage where the people who care are really getting on my nerves. They are all acting like I’m going to be killed if I step out the front door. I have made it clear to everyone he has never hurt me, and I believe he never would. It’s just his mouth that is enough to knock me down and feel worthless. But the more these people are panicking for me, I’m getting more anxious. And they are saying ‘call me if he does anything’, as if they are above the law. I’m actually trying to sort this all properly, and get the best outcome for me and our baby. I just want support! Not people essentially threatening more violence!!

Ahhhhhhh

[StrongerTogether]

Thank you all for your replies and advice!
KIP I will certainly start logging anything and everything, and look into the anti stalking helpline – thank you very much for that!

I’ve had no contact from the police since. Pretty sure he’s home because he’s blocked me on Facebook (no complaint that he can’t contact me, that’s for sure!). I will call them tomorrow to find out what is happening.

My problem is, I need to get my furniture back. My bed and our baby’s cot at least! Don’t have the money to be replacing this stuff, and he’s already put me in plenty of debt.
And he also wants to see our baby regularly. The police only advised I speak to a solicitor about that. I don’t think I’m being unfair wanting him to prove he’s drug free and sorting his anger out before he looks after her a few days a week. But that means more money to sort something that, to be honest, I feel like I shouldn’t be having to argue over! Welfare of our baby and everything…

I don’t know when he will be around, to know when it is safe for me to get my stuff. I don’t know if he has bail conditions (if he was even charged in the end) to keep away. I don’t know what is going on. I’ve had to call work today to tell them i won’t be in and don’t know when I’ll be back. They’re very understanding, but I need to be working to be able to afford everything now I’m in this situation.

Everything is such a mess!
I’m out, and I thought things would start getting better. But I’m just finding more and more problems now, that I don’t even know how to start dealing with!

[StrongerTogether]

Hello,
Congratulations on the strength you’ve found to put boundaries in place and take back your life, for you and your children!

I managed to get out very recently. I’m being pestered when he can see our baby already. I don’t deny he was a great father, at times. But it wasn’t always. He would lose his temper of she didn’t sleep through, and shout at her to shut up and go back to sleep, even at a few months old for goodness sake! He had no issue with losing his temper and threatening me in front of her, and when I pointed out he shouldn’t be doing that in front of her, he didn’t care. Obviously after he calmed down, he never meant it. I know he has a cannabis issue as well. I would like to tell him he won’t see our daughter until he has proved he is drug free, and has sorted out his temper – or at least supervised visits until I know he won’t be sat there saying ‘your mother is a c**t’ to her anymore, or shouting in front of her if he doesn’t get his own way.

How did you go about approaching this subject? And was the reaction as bad as you were expecting?

[StrongerTogether]

Hi IWMB,
Its so nice to hear from you! Your previous messages have been so helpful in getting me to this stage! I cannot thank you enough for that!
Yeah, I guess you’re right – the car is only material belongings. And technically, it’s only my name on it, so if he caused problems then legally I can get it back anyway! It just makes leaving with a baby difficult if I don’t have a car at that point, y’know! And will cause more drama getting it back…urgh!

Funny how your partner has made things difficult for you with the car, too! They must know that a car gives us a freedom they don’t want us to have…! If they can make sure we can’t afford a car without them, we rely on them, don’t we…

Wow, yes, that advice is brilliant. I have never questioned speaking about how I feel in a previous relationship, or even feared the consequences of anything. I guess, with ‘normal people’, you would never fear a consequence of anything. Even if someone didn’t like something, you wouldn’t have to be scared… Wow! That really makes you notice how wrong everything is!

Yep, I think he’s frazzled his brain with everything he smokes! But obviously, in his mind, it’s not a real drug and doesn’t effect him like it does everyone else. He must think he’s Superman’s cousin or something at times! Immune to everything.

Thank you so much!
I will be sure to keep posting, and no matter how long it takes, when me and the little one are finally in our own little home, I will try to help other people see this fear is worth it in the end.

Between us all, these men won’t win. 💪

[StrongerTogether]

Thank you so much! FOG…Yep, that’s exactly it. How do abusive people all follow the same pattern?! I swear my partner isn’t clever enough to be thinking in advance about what he’s doing… I can’t imagine he’s taken the time to plan it all. But it’s all worked out in his favour for years so far!
I know you’re right though…just gotta turn off these emotions somehow!

Have you managed to leave your situation? I feel so stupid because I don’t know how to. I have some brilliant help around me, and a great opportunity to go somewhere safe, but, I just don’t know how to! Can’t tell him I want to leave, so it would have to be whilst he’s out. But if he’s out, he has my car, so I can’t then either! And putting my foot down over my car is one of his triggers, so I don’t really want to stop him!

[StrongerTogether]

Hello,
I too, would love to hear a positive story!

However, I’m thinking, for as long as we are the ones asking them/encouraging them to get help, they won’t change. Can a person really change their ways, if they think they can get away with abusive behaviour until they are confronted? And let’s face it, even then, carry on!
Unless they’ve never been taught the difference between what is right and wrong, they know what they are doing is never okay. And then I think, could we ever give the same love back, after knowing they knowingly treated us the way they did, until we asked them not to?
If they can go to get help off their own back, I think it might be different.

‘Honey, I have noticed my behaviour is inexcusable recently. I have booked an appointment with my GP to take a step to move forward and treat you with the love, care and respect you deserve. In the meantime, i think we should have some space from each other so that i don’t hurt you in any way whilst i’m figuring things out.’

I may well be wrong, but that doesn’t sound like the kind of conversation my partner would EVER have with me. It doesn’t sound like it should come from someone abusive.

Just thinking out loud…

[StrongerTogether]

Starandlittlestar, that’s really good! I’m so happy for you that you’ve managed to harden yourself to his manipulation. I’m also really happy to hear that it’s possible to get to the stage you are at now, so thank you for that too 💕

[StrongerTogether]

Oh wow. My partner is the complete opposite. I get ‘I love you’ pretty much any time there is silence for more than 10 minutes between us. Can tell there’s no emotion behind it though. I get the ‘promise we are together forever’ at least 20 times a day, too. Drives me mental. Don’t even see the point when he has no emotion behind it.

Yeah, I agree with you there. Nothing hurts anymore. It’s just infuriating that I gave him everything, and he had more in his life with me than ever before. He even had a bright future. Then this behaviour started, and he’s going to lose it all, the second I make that step to leave forever.

Nothing makes any sense! They throw so much away, and for what? The chance to feel like a big powerful man for a while?

[StrongerTogether]

I’m in a weird situation in my head at the moment – I know he is abusive. I can admit he is abusive. But I feel like when I admit that, I’m the one letting him down. I know full well I’m not in the wrong, but, I feel so guilty about hurting him in the process of leaving. It would be nice if I could be as heartless as him when it comes to other people’s emotions!

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, and for how long! I really admire your strength.
I’m in the same boat. I’ve spent the last few months wishing I could just tell him I don’t love him any more. I tell him all the time that I do, because it keeps him happy. I fear his reaction. I fear the life after, knowing how difficult he would make it. I fear all the guilt he would put on me for ‘ruining our family’. He knows exactly how to keep a hold on me. I can’t love him anymore, because of how he’s made me feel and what he’s done. But I can’t stop caring about him. It sucks!

It was only through speaking to a lady in the village who went through something similar recently, that I found out you can speak to the police even if there’s no physical abuse!

The more you open up, the more gateways you find 💕

[StrongerTogether]

Thank you so much, IWMB. It is definitely comforting to know that I can tell them something, without them assuming I’m blowing things out of proportion – thank you.

That’s brilliant! I’m both so happy for you, and proud of you. I can’t believe how little i had heard about abuse, until I realised what was going on around me and I found this. It is definitely something that people need to be made aware of much more. I would love to be able to help people when I’m free, as well. It is not something I would ever wish on anyone.

That’s such a lovely way to put it! 💕 This forum is every lady’s secret weapon, and I love that!

Thank you so much 💕💕
I’m hoping tomorrow may be the day I try to make my first phone call… gotta try to wake up with the right mindset! Thank you all for giving me the strength to get me even this far 💕💕

[StrongerTogether]

You’re all putting everything into words so much better for me! It’s exactly that – no time to process the abuse, because if he’s not around, all my attention is on the little one instead.
And yes, my partner’s family only care that they have to put up with it themselves. Push it onto someone else and they could quite happily move on and tell us it’s ‘just how he is’ and to appease him.
The answerphone is a nice way to look at it though. It’s in my control if I want to talk at that point…I like that.
I don’t suppose you could give me an idea how the phone call goes? I’m worried I’ll answer, and then it’ll be all on me to make conversation – I’ll just go blank and it’ll be an awkward silent phone call, haha!

Oh my, I dream of that, starandlittlestar. I would love to just, enjoy time with my baby, without constantly being watched over or begged for attention.
Did it really only take a few days for you to feel the difference??

Thank you all, so much 💕💕

[StrongerTogether]

That sounds perfect right now! ‘Away from all the madness’ is exactly what I want

[StrongerTogether]

As much as I know how horrible anxiety is, it’s so comforting knowing that I’m not the only one struggling to make that phone call!

I really appreciate a mummy-point-of-view, thank you she-ra.
Exactly that – I can still hold onto that little part of me that wants to believe it’s not real still.
Oh really?? That’s handy to know, about the council! Maybe I should play his mum’s game: she wants me to go to the council, so maybe I should, and tell them i need a place for just me and my baby because we need to escape the abuse. If they have to help, that may be a good way to go about it! Get her off my back for a little bit too!

Thank you so much, she-ra.

I just keep thinking, it would be so nice if someone with authority could tell him he is abusive. For as long as I try to point out everything is wrong, him and his whole family convince me it’s not that bad. Even (detail removed by moderator) Why does she apologise for him, and try to make me believe I should be putting up with it??!

[StrongerTogether]

Oh my, Anabela, that couldn’t be more accurate! And the feeling of everything being too long and complicated, and I know full well I will just mumble and stutter around the points only giving a few sentences. Either that or I will waffle too much, haha! It’s comforting to know I can call them for what may feel like a pointless phone call at first, to gain confidence if nothing else! Thank you.

Oh absolutely IWMB. Say it out loud and there’s no going back. I think that’s part of the anxiety. No more denying it. No more pretending everything is fine to the world.

This forum was the best decision I’ve made so far.

Love and strength to you all 💕
And thank you, all

[StrongerTogether]

Thanks guys!
It’s exhausting, and with anxiety over phone calls, calling is quite difficult. But I think it is something I will have to do! Thanks for the advice. It’s so nice being able to open up at last – takes a little weight off!
Thank you both for your advice!

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