SugarSkull

[SugarSkull]

I earn more than enough for a high rent, but I’m in a lot of debt from financially supporting him unexpectedly.

That’s the problem. It’s expected that I should have the money to find somewhere on my own and I don’t. So I’m stuck.

I wish I had somewhere to go.

[SugarSkull]

Because of my salary I don’t qualify for any of the accommodation avenues I’ve found. The fact that I literally have no money because of the lack of control I’ve had over anything doesn’t seem to count.

The council wouldn’t prioritise me until I was physically homeless and refuges won’t help me because I have an income and a job that pays well.

In terms of finding somewhere privately, I have zero money for a deposit. Without that I’m out of options. I don’t know how comfortable I would be sharing. I would do anything if it were possible though. I just want some calmness.

[SugarSkull]

I was hoping I would be able to get some temporary accommodation to help me make a break. I’ve learned that because I have a job I’m stuck.

I might have a job, but I have no means to go anywhere. Totally trapped.

[SugarSkull]

Some of the way you’re feeling made sense to me
Whilst I wasn’t raped, my ex ruined sex completely for me by cheating on me. I felt unnatractive and lost all enjoyment. It felt like a complete chore and when he came near me I couldn’t bear it.

Do you feel safe with your new partner? If not, have you thought about what you could do to make yourself feel safe? It might be worth a discussion with him.

Perhaps having sex which focusses on you and your needs might be a great thing for you both. Us women can be tricky customers in that area and we have complex needs. Maybe he needs to spend some time learning yours?

I hope you find your way and that further counselling and support helps.

[SugarSkull]

Every time I have a glimmer of feeling okay it’s quashed by remembering all the bad things.

I’m having to Google foodbanks because he spent or lost all his money in the pub. I have a great job and shouldn’t be living like this.

If it wasn’t for my step daughter being here I don’t think I would have any hope.

More and more I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. I feel so sick of the ball of anxiety I carry round with me.

He told me earlier that he is nice to people who are nice to him. I guess I’m not nice then.

[SugarSkull]

I’m so exhausted. It’s hard to even think about the last week. I haven’t done anything for me and every time I bring up what happened and try to seek resolution it goes horribly wrong.

I did ring the helpline but I didn’t really get much from the conversation I had. The lady just wanted to tell me he was bad and what I really wanted was to know how to cope. I know that what he did was bad.

I feel lost and small today. I wish I knew what to do.

[SugarSkull]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and understanding. I’m overwhelmed that strangers can listen and offer words of support like this. It’s amazing to not feel alone.

He has tried to tell me I’m controlling. Sometimes I get scared I am. I’m going to keep trying to not lose myself and be as strong as I can. I don’t want to lose my voice.

[SugarSkull]

Unless I tell her I was lying she won’t have anything to do with me. I don’t want to lose my family but I want to be true to myself.

I feel so stuck.

[SugarSkull]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in what I’m going through.

I shut down whenever something triggers me too. If I’m laughed at then I feel stupid and worthless. I lose my voice and become anxious. I hate that (detail removed by Moderator) years later he’s still in my head even though I don’t think of him. Why should he get to be free and I’m not.

I hope so much that in time I learn how to be myself and stop reverting to my learned behaviours. I’m not there any more and my new partner isn’t him. Sometimes I cry and explain to my new partner that I wish I could have the memories wiped or hit the reset button in my head. I wish he found me before it happened to me. I want him to have the best version of me possible.

One day I hope I can be myself without having to think about it.

[SugarSkull]

I am learning to stop saying yes all the time too! My wonderful boyfriend has taught me to pause. Not even say no, just pause and think. It has really helped me.

I’m glad you have the support of your family. One thing is for sure, we can’t do it alone.

X

[SugarSkull]

Thank you both for your kind words. It’s amazing to me that strangers can see how painful it is but my family don’t understand.

My sister and I are less than a year apart in age and were incredibly close until the abuse began and I was distanced from my family without realising.

He took so much from me which I have rebuilt, but I have completely lost the relatioship with my sister.

Some days it cuts me more than anything and I miss her and the way we used to be. Other days I can be tough and see it for what it is.

She has always been fickle and isn’t very emotionally intelligent. That’s not me being rude, it’s just a fact. This is the first time I’ve ever been victim of her actions.

Her ex boyfriend dumped her and I drove 90 miles in the middle of the night to swoop in and pick her up to make sure she wasn’t alone.

Even now I would do anything for her.

There’s a part of me that thinks I should feel differently and not care about her. I’m soft natured and kind. I wish I wasn’t at times!

[SugarSkull]

For me freedom is being comfortable and safe enough to express myself in whatever form I need to. Not feeling depressed or like I have to hide my feelings. Being silly or wild with our worrying if I’ll be too much or get told off. Just being able to be myself.

[SugarSkull]

My ex cheated on me too. That was what the trigger was for the abuse. He was terrified I would leave him and became more and more controlling.

He actually cheated on me with my disabled Mum’s carer. She was like a sister to me and a daughter to my Mum.

It broke my heart having to tell my Mum and seeing her suffer too.

I never thought I would be able to trust anyone again for a very long time.

My partner now has shown me that love and trust are possible. I’ve never felt so respected and loved in my life. I have trusted him implicitly from the moment we met. Being cheated on can make you doubt people, but when you meet someone worthy of it those feelings aren’t there.

I’m grateful to have found what I have, but I know I’m lucky to have this.

My ex was a pig for doing what he did. I hate him for breaking my Mum’s heart, but I forgive him.

I do think trust is possible again after you’ve been cheated on, but you need the right person.

You deserve better and I hope that you find it.

[SugarSkull]

Thank you Sunshine.

I had my second counselling session this week with a lovely lady. I’m finding it really helpful. Having someone neutral who I don’t feel like I’m burdening is wonderful.

My partner is understanding but I do feel like I’m worrying him when I talk about things.

He’s very supportive of the counselling and I feel like it’s helping. I wish I had done it sooner.

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