SurvivorOne

[SurvivorOne]

Thanks everyone. I’ve read SO MUCH about gaslighting, abuse tactics, suicide threats and so on. But even after all this time there’s a part of me that just can’t get my head around it, no matter how much I know. He just seemed so sincere. His threats and emotional outbursts were so traumatic for me. You know how a lot of key workers end up with secondary PTSD when they witness the suffering of people in their lives? Well, I think the things he did in trying to prove that he couldn’t live without me have left me with secondary PTSD. I mean I have primary PTSD from all the abuse, of course, but I think the specific incidents of what he did to himself in the name of “being broken hearted” were a lot worse. Maybe it all was an act, I kind of hope it was. I know I can’t go into details but for many years afterwards I thought he was going to die if I didn’t “remain friends” with him. In all those times he kept trying to prove to me over and over that he’d never heal from the fact I left him. Our breakup was before coercive control laws came in and I’d never even heard of the words. I let him continue abusing me because I thought I was saving his life.

Honestly, I kind of WISH that was true. It would be awful but at least I could forgive it, I think. I mean it’s so confusing that his version of reality is so far from my own. But worse to think that it was all some complex, elaborate scheme to hurt me, and he either couldn’t see or didn’t care what it was doing to me? I don’t know how to deal with that. I was struggling so hard myself with such little support. I felt so alone in the world. How could he not see what he was putting me through? It was unbearable. It was like nobody cared how much it affected me because they either thought I shouldn’t feel any empathy because he was abusive, or that I COULDN’T feel any because I was a cold-hearted monster. Either way, his multiple suicide attempts and other visible signs of mental breakdown make me feel like I did that to him. How could that be a lie, and how could I not be responsible? I don’t know how I’ll ever get over it. His version of me was just so far away from who I really am and that’s so hard to live with.

(Yes, I’ve had counselling but it doesn’t help)

[SurvivorOne]

This is such a horrible truth. I wish there was something I could do to help keep every vulnerable woman safe. Thinking of everyone.

[SurvivorOne]

My mum used to be like that. When I first met my ex, she was the one telling me he was Mr. Right and I should hold on to him because I’d never find another man like him. Then when he did something abusive, she changed her entire story and said she never liked him and saw all the warning signs. Then when I’d go back to him, he was Mr. Right and I never should’ve left him etc. Basically whatever the circumstance, she wanted me to believe she had some kind of foresight into how it would all play out. I hate to say this but sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my mum wasn’t part of the reason things got so bad with him. It’s so stressful to deal with, I’m sorry.

[SurvivorOne]

Sorry, just replying to my own message here. Over and over he’d say things like, “oh you deserve the life you always wanted and clearly I just got in your way which is why you left me.” I have thousands of self-deprecating emails and messages from him along those lines. Every single one is about how I left him because I was so ambitious and incapable of being loved??

Like… umm, no… he tried to kill me, sexually assaulted me pretty much every day, mocked and belittled me, cut me off from my friends and family, stole all my money, destroyed my car, sabotaged my career, called me names, threw away all my clothes, spread lies about me, and refused to talk to me like a grown-up for more than a decade then still expected me to drop everything at any moment and constantly apologise to him for the rubbish life his own bad choices left him with?

How am I supposed to deal with it if someone’s beliefs are so far away from mine? Which one of us is right?

Sorry, I’m just feeling really alone right now.

[Author]

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