Tryingtofindhope

[Tryingtofindhope]

I am so glad I logged on today and read your post pineapplepie. Everything you have said resonates with me. You are definitely not alone.

I’ve not been on here since November because I have had a lot of other stress to deal with and just couldn’t cope with reminders of the reality of my everyday life, but I realised I was getting sucked back into the same old cycles. So logging in and seeing your post has massively helped me not to feel alone and to stop doubting myself. Just because I can’t remember what the hurt was about doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And just because he says I said something that I don’t recall saying, doesn’t mean I did say it. And the same goes for you too.

Thinking of you and sending you ❤️

[Tryingtofindhope]

Oh nbumblebee, your life sounds so similar to mine that when I read your posts I literally feel like I’m reading about my life and I hurt for you. Stay safe on holiday and I really hope you manage to have a bit of respite. Take care lovely xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Look at it this way, if you had just read or heard from someone else that they were suffering what you have described, would you think they are over reacting? You are not and its not in your head or anyway your fault. I often qiestion my situation too because Ive been in it sooo long that I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like. But my counsellor has helped me to recognise the abuse and the reasons I stay or react to the abuse in the way I do. As the others have said, yiy feel this way to protect yourself.
Just be kind to yourself, you have done nothing to deserve this. Some people just dont understand and thats not your problem, but dont let them invalidate what you are feeling. Take good care, sending you hugs xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

This is a such a wonderful and honest post. Thank yiu for sharing your experience. I was just wondering did you use the freedom project for your pets? This is one thing that worries me a lot because my dog is very anxious

[Tryingtofindhope]

Wow this post is amazing. So much helpful information and advice. I hope you find it as informative as I do nbumblebee and I hope that you feel better both mentally and physically very soon. Take care x

[Tryingtofindhope]

Hi gettingtired, i am in a similar situation as you where I am still living with my abuser and I understand that there is trauma bonding. My counsellor has encouraged me to work on myself and not to focus on him and its been such a game changer for me. Admittedly I have a long way to go, I’ve only had (detail removed by moderator) sessions so far but I have been strong enough to stand up and tell him (detail removed by moderator).  Just the thought of saying those words before would give me such anxiety. I am not saying it is always appropriate to stand up to your abuser, but in my case I had to do it before I became even more isolated than I already am.
I’ve reconnected with a few friends over the last few weeks and they have all commented on how much stronger and brighter I appear to be. I can honestly say its down to counselling but its so important that your counsellor is right for you.
Good luck xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Thank you both. This makes so much more sense when its explained. I think deep down I know these things but my mind is such a jumble I cabt make sense of it on my own.
I appreciate your responses, it helps to know I’m not crazy to feel this way.
I also dont trust anything I feel right now as well as not trusting his words or actions.Its so hard but I’m so grateful for this forum

[Tryingtofindhope]

Can feel*

[Tryingtofindhope]

This made me cry! I cant just feel the relief coming from your words. I hope so much that you continue to feel this way and just get stronger every day xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Hello DinkyHorse,
Welcome to the forum. You will find so much support on this forum.
I’m new here too and I’m still learning a lot and am still also confused about much of my life.
What you have written describes my life completely. It’s not right on any level and its not your fault.
Like you, I tried to leave my husband recently and got the suicide threats, tears, promises to change (even though he claims he has no idea what hes done wrong) and I couldnt go through with it. From what I understand from the advice on here is that is that is very common. Its so hard to leave a relationship thats abusive even if you are not happy. Abusers have a way of getting into our heads like that.
I really hope that you get some support and advice. You sound very lonely and I completely understand how you are feeling. Sorry I cant offer any advice but just wanted to reach out and tell you its not your fault.
Best wishes x

[Tryingtofindhope]

Hi farawayplanet. Im sorry i have no advice for you as far as a plan goes but i just wanted to say that i completely feel your pain. I told my husband about (removed by moderator) ago that i didnt love him and i wanted to seperate. It was excruciating for me. We have been together (removed by moderator) years and ive been unhappy for (removed by moderator) of those years. But i got all of the tears, pleas, promises to change, guilt loading etc and i just couldnt do it. We work together so im with him all day. Hes starting taking time off when im off work too. He wants to be with me all the time and im suffocating.i just wasnt ready or strong enough and now i feel resigned to this unhappy exsistence.
Im just telling you this to hopefully give you that strength to make sure you dont back down. Stay strong, remember your worth and believe in yourself that you can do this.
I hope you get some support with leaving.
Best of wishes x

[Tryingtofindhope]

Im afraid i dont have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say i know exactly how you feel. I work with my husband. I have 1 day off a week to catch up on chores etc as he does nothing at home, but he always choses to either leave work early on that day or not go to work at all. If i am away from him, for example doing the school run, shopping etc, he phones me constantly. He wanrs to spend all of the weekend with me and if i have any plans to do anything he sulks until i change them to suit his needs. I completely get how draining this is and how sometimes you just need that head space.
I hope you get some peace this weekend

[Tryingtofindhope]

Im sorry this has happened to you all.
I was very ill last year. We thought it might have bwen covid, but my husband initially refused to let me get tested because “it would look bad to our clients if i was positive”. I had to isolate from my children whilst trying to home school them from a different room. Ive never felt so ill. I did have a test after begging him to take me. It xame back negative but i was getting worse. I had to call the dr who got me rushed to hospital. It turned out to be (detail removed by Moderator). I had to stay in hospital but didnt have anything with me. He refused to bring anything in for me because he felt unwell! So i had to ask his sister to bring me some clothes. I was there for (detail removed by Moderator) days, wasnt allowed visitors and missed my children desperately. I got so depressed. When it was time to be picked up from the hospital i was relieved but so worried about going home as i knew i wouldnt be able to rest. When he got to the hospital he passed me my coat, said “its raining” and walked off. I was devestated. I needed a knight in shining armour to take me away and look after me and i got that instead. After being home for 2 days and still feelung weak (i had resumed home schooling and child care as he went back to work,) his back suddenly went and i ended up looking after him. He also made me go back to work far too soon. As a result it took me many months to fully recover. I honestly believe that the years of stress i have had contributed to me not being able to fight off this awful illness.
This is all very typical of my husband. Hes always got something wrong with him and always has an excuse for not being able to do anything about it, but im not allowed to be ill.

[Tryingtofindhope]

Darcy your words have literally given me a huge boost. Thank you. You are right, I can do this. I can be the mum I want to be. I will not givecaway my power anymore. I have come so far, Im not going backwards anymore.
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much your support means. Xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Whyohwhy, i love this idea. Well done for having the vision and courage to do this.
I feel your pain. I have too given my best years away. Ive given my all. I sometimes feel like i have nothing left of me and i have no idea who i am.
Stay strong and keep chasing those dreams x

[Tryingtofindhope]

Thank you beachut. I think part of the problem is when i met my husband i was pretty much a child still so i dont have any idea who i am. I just know that girl that grew into a women hurt so badly for so many years and this has shaped who i am today. When i think of her, i can feel her pain as if it were happening now.
I guess i havevthe opportunity to discover who i actually am if i stay strong and dont allow him to hold me back anymore x

[Tryingtofindhope]

Hi nbumblebee. Im sorry you too feel this way. Im not out, im still with him and often wonder if not being able to shake the mourning is also a way of protecting me. Because sometimes I still wonder whether or not my situation is that bad at all as at the moment he fairly bearable. Then i remember what he put me through and it reminds me not to get sucked back in and completely lose myself again.
Im sorry you are struggling so much at the moment . I hope you have found comfort in the words of others as i have done.
Take care xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Youre not moaning, you are truing to get clarification on this horrible situation. Its not you and i doubt hes feeling guilty at all. My husband ignored me last week because he tried pressuring me for sex and i had to say no half a dozen times and then really spell it out to him. I then got the silent treatment. I know you must be feeling anxious and in knots not knowing how he will react next when hes not ignoring you. But try to remember that hes playing a game and he will move the goal posts so that you cant second guess him. I know its hard, but try to remember that whatever it is he is sulking about is his issue and not yours and try to block it out if you can. You cant help him but you can help yourself by listening to what you need. Look after yourself. Keep your chin up youre doing amazing xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

You stay because of the trauma bond. You stay because it feels safer at the moment. I would love it if you had a supportive circle of friends and family that were there for you. It sounds like you have to be careful who you trust. But remember we are all here for you and we believe you. Keep reaching out. Sending you positive thoughts xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Thank you nbumblebee. I know what you are saying is right and I recognise that I am only reacting to the situation the way I have to myself as safe as I can, but it just feels like a huge step backwards. I felt like my world was very slowly growing but now its shrunk back down again. I will get there eventually, one tiny step at a time. It just feels dark and lonely right now and Im struggling to see any light.
Thank you for your lovely words and support. Hope youre doing ok xxx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Ive just read your plan. I was here a few months ago and he got to me again. But having said that, just having a plan made me feel stronger. Keep re-reading it and visualise the end result. My dearest friend keeps reminding me of my goal and to picture myself smiling and happy with my 3 kids and dog with that huge bag of rocks no longer tied around me. Its what keeps me going.
Huge hugs to you xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Oh you poor thing. You too. Take care xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Im so sorry you are feeling this too. Its awful isnt it? I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but i have to keep being strong for my kids. We have a family holiday coming up and im just dreading it. (detail removed by moderator) so far ive refused but i know he will be impossible when we go.
Look after yourself and stay strong xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Thank you for this. I think you hit the nail on the head. I think its because hes not physically abusive or outright nasty even, its so hard for other people to see the damage hes doing to me. I have even become blind to it myself some days and think its really not that bad, especially when he has a knack at changing moods to Mr Nice all of a sudden.
Well it didnt last long. Hes back to punishing me by being in one of his moods and refusing to talk to me about it because (detail removed by moderator). All because i rejected his advances (detail removed by moderator). My anxiety has sky rocketed again not knowing how he will be when he gets home but I refuse to be pulled into his games this time. Im too drained

[Tryingtofindhope]

Muddyboots that makes perfect sense and definitely resonates with me. Thank you

[Tryingtofindhope]

Thank you KIP. No i havent started a journal but I realise this is something I should do. Ive always struggled to get started as if writing it all down will be too painful and make it more real. But now ive started counselling Im hoping it will be easier to start to do.x

[Tryingtofindhope]

Yes I have 3 children.
I know exactly what you mean, one minute you feel like theyre being so lovely, the next they are being controlling.I am currently having counselling and its helped hugely. Its helped me to understand that a lot of the behaviour, even if it looks like hes being lovely, is still his way of subtley controlling me. Hes just changed his tactics because hes scared he will lose me which means he loses his control. If you can find a good counsellor I would definitely recommend it. I minimised his behaviour for so long and normalised it, but actually its far worse than I thought and Ive realises hes sexually abused, financially abused and emotionally abused me too.
Sending you strength and best wishes. If you ever want to pm me please feel free xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Hi Camel. No im not amazing. I thought I was strong enough to do this, but I couldnt go through with it. I was totally unprepared for the excruciating pain and guilt i felt. I realise now that im going through a process and i had missed several important steps which are vital to being able to go through with it. He was talking about suicide etc and i know this is all part of the control but i couldnt handle it. I feel like ive let myself and my children down but i also know that it is all part of me gaining strength. I have put down many boundaries since agreeing not to leave yet and so far these are being respected. He has said that he is going to attend a perpatrators programme but im still very doubful. At least i finally see that i am not the problem, i am good enough and its not all in my head and thats a big sstep for me x

[Tryingtofindhope]

Beachhut,
Thank you for your words, for making me realise that I have nothing to feel guilty for. It is one of my biggest struggles as I always do to please or help others. But I know that in doing so Im not being true to myself or my children. The future looks scary for now, but I can also see love and happiness with my children is not too far away xx

[Tryingtofindhope]

Darcy,
Thank you so much for providing me with strength and encouragement. I have no idea where it came from but I knew it was now or never. I’m so tired of going round in circles and knowing there will never be an end to this unless I end it. So I did just that. I told him its over and even with the begging that he would get help and would compromise on moving I stood my ground. My head and emotions are a mess and I have a lot to deal with, but I realise I have been waiting for this moment for half of my life.
Thank you again so much x

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