Whichway

[Whichway]

So the outcome of this is that I didn’t make the meal. The night before he asked if I was going and I said I ought to. Apparently this is crossing the line. A few years ago I would have reluctantly agreed but I stood my ground and explained that I have educated myself and this agreement is not right or fair. His response was that this is the end of us then andhe would find somewhere to move out to. I agreed (removed by moderator) he started on it again and told me that he is sure there would be very few men who would be happy for their wife to go out on a Friday night with a group of male colleagues. We were going out at (removed by moderator). I disagreed but due to all this upset said I wasn’t going to go anymore anyway. I didn’t have the energy anymore. A little later he came to me and askedwhat time I was going to the meal. I again said I wasn’t going. He offered to drop me off and pick me up. My response was stop messing with my head, I’m not going. He replied with I’ve offered. Did he change his tune or manipulating me??? He is now acting as if nothing has happened.

[Whichway]

Thank you all for your wise words. I am building a diary of the cycles and I am sure there will come a time at some point I’ll find the strength and courage to say Ive had enough. We have a big extended family holiday coming up soon which we are having to plan together so will have to get through that one first before any action. But at least your replies on here are helping me build a picture of what’s right and wrong. And also that I have a right to feel how I do. Thank you so much for being there and taking time to reply xx

[Whichway]

Followed by “(removed by moderator)”.
Just want to sleep forever.

[Whichway]

Hi Glitterbug, I am really sorry that you are going through this. For me your post is really comforting to me as my situation is very similar so thank you for posting. For me there is no physical abuse either but emotional. Most of the time it seems so ‘mild’ I feel unreasonable confronting it but when it gets in the way of normal life more and more I am fighting back and standing my ground more. This has resulted in me “being selfish, thinking of only myself and dismissing him and his feelings”. I am not sure if you feel the same way, but I feel like a really bad person although deep down I am sure I am not. I am certainly not perfect but I always try to do my best by everyone and to maintain a lovely little family. But I dont’ know how to do this any longer 🙁 x

[Whichway]

Thank you. I’ve watched it a couple of times and can empathise with it entirely.
More complicated when kids are involved though.
Thank you for direction on the books.
I have an appointment with my local victim care next week. Thank you x

[Whichway]

We have been discussing separation for several weeks/months now. From my point of view if he doesn’t change there is no other alternative. He says he doesn’t want to separate and that he’ll do his best to control his feelings/behaviours. He stipulated that I need to make some promises though. Again the same. I said I can’t make these promises eg not to touch males on their arm during talking, not to ‘get to know’ My work colleagues, not to wear any clothing which reveals cleavage etc. He relented and said he’ll do his best. He won’t have counselling-alone or together.
So for now we are in separate bedrooms. Yesterday he came to cuddle me and said he missed me, which on its own would have been appreciated but he said it looking at my chest. This morning, similar, we were having a general conversation and he looks at my chest and smiles. Is this just me being negative or anyone else find this odd when he knows I’m still considering separation?
Please help me think straight! Xx

[Whichway]

It does, thank you scarecrow. Could you suggest any further reading which may help?
I guess whether controlling or not this sort of behaviour isn’t making me happy. But what I’m finding so hard is that we’ve always been like this and I feel like I’m moving the goalposts in our relationship and that this is unfair on him.
I’m finding it hard to believe that I allowed this to happen in the first place and after years of being together and life’s ups and downs, it just becomes more complicated and confusing. Especially with the children.
We can’t walk away from each other and never see each other again, we will always have to have some sort of relationship and if we separate that is going to be so hard.
He has no other support. He doesn’t get on with is mum, distant with his dad and has no real friends. I worry what would become if him.

[Whichway]

No he hasn’t taken any responsibility for it. Every time I have tried to explain he just comes back with, “oh it was all my fault then”.

[Whichway]

Apologies for venting but I would also like to add when my teenage daughter had a (detail removed by moderator) boyfriend I would hug him hello/bye and once when he was poorly I rubbed his arm to make sure he was ok. My husband had a real problem with all of this and said it was “creepy”. I am an affectionate person so wasn’t out of character for me. He has no problem when I do it with their girlie friends. He wanted to see some yoga poses I do, when showing him, “it looks really perverse”. He’s very uncomfortable about me wanting to sign up to the gym as he thinks t men are there just to gawp and pose.

 

[Author]

Posts