Byzantium

[Byzantium]

He go to bed and will sulk after he has lost his temper and will swear at me if I go to see him. I get nervous and don’t always know what to say to make things better and he gets mad at me because I don’t know how to make up properly and make things right. He says I’m not normal and shouldn’t be with a human being as I clearly do t know how to communicate properly. He always tells me he has to repress his feelings and anger all the time to be in a relationship with me. I feel like there is something wrong with me to my core. Like there is something faulty in my DNA that makes me incapable of being normal in a relationship and making him happy. He gets upset that I don’t think of things for us to do because he is bored and makes me feel guilty about him being alone when I am working although I work from home. I don’t give him the attention he needs. I think some of what he says is true. I can’t do anything right anymore. I wish I could be a good fiancee to him.

[Byzantium]

Thank you both for replying! It’s so strange but this afternoon he was going through some of his belongings and commented that I need to get some drawers and extra shelving for it. He was sorting out a big box of gifts he has which is full of gifts which he thinks are rubbish. The box is full of the gifts I and my family gave him. He was asking me again why I bought them and he couldn’t understand the way I think. He says that lately. That he can’t understand why I do things or my logic. Then he was nice to me asking for a massage later then he ignored me. He said I should stay in the spare room last week because I didn’t do as I was told but later changed his mind when he had calmed down. Maybe I’m holding on to how it used to be or how I think things could be in the future.

[Byzantium]

I’m so confused today. I’m totally lost. Is it financial abuse if one partner is having to cover all the joint obligations while the other is out of work? He talking about things we need to buy but covering the joint expenses has eroded all of my savings to the point I have to use my overdraft for fuel and car insurance every month. I can’t afford to buy clothes for myself or cut my hair. I shouldn’t moan really. I know I should put the mortgage, food etc first. I must sound really selfish.

I had a promotion in work and he asked me how much the pay rise was. It was small and just shrugged my news off and said ‘Is that all’.

He wants to stay at home to look after the baby if we have one.

I should be excited about the idea of having my first child but I can’t escape the fear that he doesn’t really love me since he took the ring back and I’m worried I’ll have to cope with the stress of working, being permanently worried over money and afraid to not live up to his expectations.

Wanting marriage and a baby is normal for a couple and sometimes I feel I SHOULD provide these things. Sometimes I feel that he should contribute to the cost of what he wants then I feel guilty and selfish and think I should support him if I love him.

He had a go at my cooking and refused to eat lunch today. He was in a bad mood then he was loaned money from family and is now in a good mood.

I think he does love me but I’m worried about whether he is mature enough to have realistic expectations of things.

I keep replaying everything that’s happened and I’m as confused as ever. I don’t trust my own judgment. I think he loves me and I worry I’d regret it if I left him.

[Byzantium]

I stupidly went out and got a gift for him (he has found a temporary job) and a card. It was not something small. I’ve been ill but went out anyway. He said my gift was an insult, shows I don’t know him and threw it away. It was only a card, (detail removed) but I don’t have a lot of money at the moment. He said there was a slim chance of me getting back into his good books then explained with a visual aid how each thing I do to annoy or upset him has to countered by something good I do to balance it out so he’ll leave his barriers down! I haven’t heard of that kind of point scoring before

[Byzantium]

Thank you so much everyone for your support and more than anything for listening. I feel like I’ve been going around in circles second guessing myself so much this year. Thank you Iwantmeback for your posts. It’s really given me a lot to think about and helped me look at things differently.
This (detail removed by moderator) has been a rollercoaster. He told his family we were over and this led to a family meeting where the issues in the relationship were diagnosed as me not being affectionate towards him and ‘leading’ him/taking charge of the situation. Oddly his family took me to one side and said that they were there for me and knew something was going on. I suggested going out for a day (detail removed by moderator) and decorating for Christmas but I was ignored and not answered. I suggested this again (detail removed by moderator) and he replied that he was surprised I had even bothered to remember about it and I should have brought it up again sooner after he had ignored me. He said he didn’t want to do anything but I could do as I please because he didn’t care. I spend a lot of my lunch breaks in work dealing with the developers of our house, trades, suppliers and utility companies because he doesn’t want to deal with it but he looks down on the work I do as not good enough. I’ve found a second job. My last employer was willing to create a job for me doing whatever hours I could over evenings and weekends around my main job (full time) which I thought was amazing. My main employer has said they would like me to consider covering my line manager (detail removed by moderator) and are willing to pay thousands for me to do some qualifications which would help my career. Even if I didn’t want to do it I thought it was nice to be recognised for working hard. He just said ‘what’s the point? Why would you want to bother doing that?’ which was deflating. I He said (detail removed by moderator) that I hadn’t changed. His cup of tea wasn’t hot enough because I was trying to (detail removed by moderator) on the phone at the same time. I feel like maybe he wants to go home because his money is running out because he feels safe there. I have suggested I could cover his (detail removed by moderator) payment along with the other bills using my second job but I can’t get much of a response from him. I know it must be hard accepting help but I don’t think he should call me names or push me away emotionally. He said he was going out on (detail removed by moderator) and I asked what he had planned (thinking it could be job interview related and he may want support) and he told me it was none of my business. I am on the brink of leaving. He demands affection and me telling him I love him (which I do) but he refuses to say it back. I can’t move things forward if he won’t let me in or let me help. My bed is ready at my parent’s house and I’m thinking of leaving (detail removed by moderator),

[Byzantium]

Hi ladies, thanks you all for your kind words and support. I have been making plans to leave and I have a room set up in my parent’s house and have packed a hold-all with some clothes in case I need to leave quickly. After th last few days with everything getting worse he really lost his temper this morning over the (detail removed by moderator) being in the wrong place. He said he couldn’t stand to live with someone like me anymore and I didn’t show him respect and he didn’t trust me any more. He then declared that his own personal savings would be gone in another month and he had decided he couldn’t see a future with someone like me, he hated me and he wanted to sell our home and leave (the house needs some work so not straight away). I’m completely thrown by it all. I’ve spend hours crying and I just can’t sleep. Is it really me. Am I that awful that I pushed him away? What if he wasn’t abusive and it really was me making feel that way all along? Abusers don’t usually leave partners? If he is abusive what does it say about me that even he doesn’t want me!?

[Byzantium]

Thank you! I made dinner tonight to give him a break from cooking (I work full time with a long commute so don’t cook every night). (Detail removed by moderator) I can’t bring myself to go downstairs tonight. I know it wasn’t like he properly hit me or anything but the anger shook me up a bit. This is supposed to be soneonecwho loves me. My family are worried about me and I think about leaving but I’m so confused I don’t trust myself to make decisions anymore.

[Byzantium]

He’s allowing me to sleep in bed in the master bedroom now but if he gets upset he will ask me to move to the sofa or spare room. He isn’t keen on going back to work. The trouble is he has personal debts he is paying through money he stashed away and now money borrowed through family and friends. I don’t have the capacity financially to cover his debts (I helped out a couple of times but don’t have the means going forward). I’m worried we’ll struggle to cope financially without a child if he can’t pay his own loans. He doesn’t seem concerned about the finances and how we would pay for a baby. He wants one and he’s really excited. He just says we’ll make it work and other people manage financially.

He does have a good side to him and he can be very caring. If he didn’t have a good side it would be easier to leave. I do feel stuck emotionally in that I’m finding it so hard to forget what he did over the last year. I find it hard to trust that it won’t go back to that. I do feel a bit resentful about being treated badly and used at the same time.

My family are not happy at all about how I’ve been treated and have urged me to leave. They don’t say anything to him because they don’t want to cause issues at home for me when I have so many other pressures. They would freak out if they thought I was going to have a child. He wants a quick wedding ASAP which makes me nervous. The sudden turn around from being horrible to me and saying he doesn’t love me to wanting a baby and wedding feels strange and not normal.

He isn’t a complete monster but I don’t feel part of a team in terms of adult responsibilities. I don’t know if it’s fair that I should automatically be expected to find money for bills, baby and wedding on my own. When he did briefly have a job for a few weeks he kept the money he earned for himself and to cover his loans.

He says the way he was towards me was my fault because I didn’t listen to what he says, do things the right way and show him more affection. When I did try and hug him or be affectionate he used to push me away.

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