Choccomummagg

[Choccomummagg]

I’m not strong enough to leave. I wouldn’t cope.
He tells me I’d be dead without him. But I hadn’t tried to kill myself before until he started being like this.
I haven’t any money to go anywhere.
My mum and dad don’t know about how things are. Recently I’ve tried to say little hints to them about how things really are but they play it down. They both really like my husband.
Also my dad is the type of person that if he’d known everything that he’s said to me let alone what he’s done to me I’d be worried what he would do to my husband
I haven’t spoken to anyone about how things are now. Everytime I contact my CMHT workers they are away on leave. My idva has been signed off work for two weeks too.
Things were better I don’t want them thinking I’m making things up.
It’s hard to believe that it is literally everything I do or say no matter how small I get told off for. Any sound or movement I make is wrong. Newest example- I’m crocheting I paused to check I was doing it right and made a hmm noise because it was going correctly. He stopped playing his game shouted here we go what the fs wrong with you now

[Choccomummagg]

Thank you ladies. I will keep you all posted.
Even though I don’t have a plan as yet I am feeling stronger already. I know I’m doing the right thing for my son. My husband had a little rant earlier f’ing and blinding at me and without thinking I just said oh just shut up and left the room. Hubby hasn’t spoken since but when I came and sat next to my son he whispered go mummy. So I’ve been on a bit of a power trip for the past few hours. I will probably have to face my punishment later but for now I feel like a strong woman not the little mouse
I have also emailed my local service so hopefully I will hear back next week from them.
Because of my health problems for so many years every time he hurt me or forced himself on me (still can’t stand the thought that he actually has raped me many times) or even when he just shouts sometimes I have resorted to suicidal thoughts. The only thing that pulls me through is my son. Now I have sworn to myself (and care provider) that I will stay no matter what I’m feeling I will cover them over and I will provide the best life possible for my son no matter what it takes
Thanks for listening ladies and I hope your all having a lovely weekend

[Choccomummagg]

Thanks for your advice ladies
I have lived this way so long now thinking it’s all my fault because of my health problems but thinking more and more it all stems from him. I have been destroyed am I not the person I used to be, I am a shell and now I can see it. I leave my house once a week with hubbys permission and with him by my side, I have no contact with any money not even my benefits, I can’t even speak to people on the phone without hubby with me because I am scared of everyone and everything and feel so weak my self worth is non exsistent.
I have one person in real life that I can count on and that’s my mental health care provider. He says he’s ready to help me in whatever way he can when I’m ready to open up about everything. My mum and dad would not support me they blame me for every problem they can.
So now all I can do is wait for the next couple of weeks then if I’m strong enough I am going get some more advice from wa.

[Choccomummagg]

You are not alone.
I am very much feeling the same way as you. I have psychosis and severe depression. You however are doing much better. You have taken the first steps to your new life. You should be proud of yourself.
Have you spoken to talking therapy’s? Or your gp. They can help you and refer you to people that help with depression.
I have a great ‘helper’ who is helping me come to terms with things and is helping me see that it isn’t my fault
Keep posting
There is light at the end of the tunnel

[Choccomummagg]

Your situation is so similar to mine!
I’ve recently opened up to someone who helps care for me and I told him about some things that have been going on. I was supposed to see him again this week but I had to cancel but he has said to that he is thinking of referring me to safeguarding. Now I’m even more scared and feel like I’m being pushed towards having to leave or doing something sooner than I’d like to.
What if things turn out worse for me and my son? God nothings ever simple

[Choccomummagg]

Hi eve. I’m new round here and just coming to terms with the situation I’ve been in for the last (detail removed by moderator).
I just wanted to say I hope in future if it’s needed I can be as strong and as supportive as you for my son.
I went through a tough time growing up and my parents denied me councilling because they thought I was a freak. I was self harming and having thoughts of suicide and received no support.
Your daughter may not be able to say this right now but you are doing great. The support you are giving here is worth so much.
So from someone who’s been in her shoes before, thank you for being her support and rock.

[Choccomummagg]

Thanks everyone. Before yesterday I was sure it was all my fault because this is all I’ve known my whole life
Oh gosh maybe I do need help.
Shall I be 100% honest with my care provider? He knows of the swearing and shouting and the grabbing but not the sex situation that I now see may be sexual abuse.
What do I say I’m so scared what if my care provider says he can’t help me or he says that we need to leave and I’m not ready.
He hasn’t done anything too bad in months though will I just get turned away because he’s now being nice?

[Choccomummagg]

Thanks for your replies. It is comforting knowing that it can’t all be my fault because there are many other people going through similar. But at the same time looking on here and what my care worker has said has scared me even more because it’s opened my eyes whereas before everything was just normal now I can see it differently.
Yesterday OH came home from work and all evening and night he was so nice. Not once did he shout or swear at us. Maybe my conversations with him about wanting things to get better have worked? Maybe he HAS changed. Yesterday was so nice to be back like teenagers again.
I can’t phone the helpline my husband checks the phone records. Also due to severe mental health issues I don’t speak to anyone unless OH is with me because he helps me by telling me what to say even with my parents.
I can’t leave him I wouldn’t cope without him, parents would disown me for failing and I have no friends (used to be close to two but OH argued with them and haven’t spoken to them in many years now) or anyone else to talk to other than care provider.

[Choccomummagg]

Hi I suffer from many mental health problems including death anxiety. I am scared of everything and even sometimes have visions of things happening. Some of my frequent worries is if someone upstairs bangs I think the ceilings going fall on us, I won’t use the oven in case it blows up, I can’t cross the road on my own because I worry and have visions of being hit by a car, if the lights flicker then they are going to blow up, can’t use candles because of risk of fire. Gosh there’s so much I worry about it never ended until I started CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and my lord it has helped emmensley. I crossed the road on my own last week for the first time in a decade AND I can hear banging from the neighbours and not duck or run.
It helped me so much maybe seek help with that.
I’m glad your in a better relationship now I’m still stuck in my not so great one but slowly coming to terms with the fact I may need help.

[Choccomummagg]

I’m struggling real bad at the moment with it and my mental health is at its worst these past few months. I tried to end my life in (month removed by moderator) because of it.
Today I opened up to a care worker of my about everything and he kept calling my husband a domestic abuser and that I was in a relationship experiencing domestic violence. This term scares me because am I or is it just me bing stupid again like my OH says.
My care provider (after just one convo with him saying about the times OH has grabbed me) even suggested maybe getting in touch with women’s refuge and considering leaving.
My parents (not best relationship dad used to belt me) always tell me I need to look after hubby more and poor hubby for everything he has to do he only has me to show for it. With parents like that and absolutely nobody else (4 contacts on phone parents, oh, doctor and mental health team) how can expect to get any support if I did leave.
I was told to phone women’s aid based on not all the facts (I never even mentioned the sex situation which now Reading up on here I am concerned that this may be classed as rape) what would happen if I did phone them?
I’ve been told but OH and parents I wouldn’t be able to survive on my own over many years. I just don’t know what options I have.
Sorry for the long messages

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