CityMum

[CityMum]

Hello everyone, I’m going to revive this post as I am still having problems. I am still trying to claw back as many of my things as possible and get as much stuff out of the house for my daughter. I am paying half the mortgage on the house but no bills.

I feel that I am emotionally able to go to the house as long as I have friends and/or family with me and load up a few cars. My husband has been stating that he has to be present and I need to give him 24 hours notice. This is of course a catch 22 for me; if I give him notice he then arranges to be at the house. Does anyone know the legality behind this? He has been spouting information about tenant vs landlord laws which mean that because I no longer pay council tax I technically have to give him notice to access the house. xxx

[CityMum]

Thank you KIP, all very true.

I am waiting to speak to my solicitor on Tuesday but my head is just so full of conflicting thoughts. I don’t want to move back into the house as it has awful memories but I’m still paying half the mortgage each month. I’m hoping that the house will sell within a reasonable timeframe as it is a desirable location. He isn’t actually stopping me accessing the home but now I feel like he would be watching my every move if I went in to pack up some boxes. He is always coming and going too as he works from home sometimes. I want to begin to take my things and items for my daughter but I am so scared to go back, it makes me feel sick and light headed. I could get an occupation order but then I wouldn’t be near to family, unfortunately he knows all of this and it benefits him financially to not have to move out and rent.

xx

[CityMum]

What a brilliant and empowering post!

I want to be a woman who my daughter can describe as brave and strong. I want her to view me as a loving and caring woman who doesn’t change or tailor herself based on the needs and behaviour of her partner

[CityMum]

WhichWayIsUp I think I know what you mean. I am in the process of divorcing my abuser but when we were trying to work things out he would have spells of being absolutely lovely; asking how my day has been, offering to make me a cup of tea, asking if I wanted to go on an outing, making polite conversation, not exploding when a car cut him up etc.

From his point of view I suppose he wanted me to feel safer and happier because of his nice behaviour but it actually gave me the feeling of dread in my tummy. It made me think that it was part of his controlling behaviour and felt so unnatural for him (and such a complete change from his usual behaviour) that I ended up feeling worse as I was waiting for the explosion. He wanted me to feel grateful for him not have any episodes of anger and said that he ‘was being so good’ but that made me feel much more on edge.

[CityMum]

Thank you IWMB I will order the book. He was abused as a child and grew up in an abusive home himself which is very sad and for years I would try to demonstrate that being physically or verbally abusive during an argument is not normal. He just didn’t get it at all. He thought that was how couples argued…

[CityMum]

I am completely overwhelmed my the kindness and advice from you all… thank you so much.

I agree with all of the above and it is so helpful to get perspective. KIP you are correct that his perspective has now changed as he believes his wife who has postnatal depression is giving up on him and taking his daughter away. In his mind I have ruined his life and he is really trying to make me feel guilty for it. I suppose his misplaced victim mentality is similar to how he would respond after one of his explosions; I made him do it, I made him feel a certain way so he had to react in the way he did.

He managed to trick me numerous times into staying by very cleverly turning things around so that I felt like a bad person who had caused everything. I would tell myself ‘it will be fine. If you don’t mention that again he won’t attack you again.’ It just feels so difficult to let go of everything I have built up around myself and enter into the unknown with my daughter. I am incredibly lucky to have a good support system from my family so I am not alone and I feel safe.

I do have a solicitor and I have stated that I want no direct contact with him and that every communication (divorce, finances, child contact etc) needs to go through the solicitors. I hope that in the future he can see her outside of a contact centre but currently that’s the only arrangement which I think is suitable.

I find it very challenging to see him as one person because in my mind there are two sides; the abusive man and the wonderful man. I saw the wonderful man less and less over the past few years and I always question if that was ever real and if the relationship had any honest foundations at all. Do abusers know exactly what they are doing all of the time? Is the controlling behaviour a conscious thing for them or are they completely in denial about what distress and pain they are causing their partner and why do they focus all of this hate on the person closest to them? xx

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