clementine

[clementine]

This really worries me – I’ve used the online calculators and they say as I am on tax credits I get a certain amount – which is enough for me to live on. Great.

I even rang and asked about how much I would be entitled to once it switches to UC and was told I’d be almost £200 better off!

I don’t believe that for a moment but this is all everyone tells me – that the calculator makes a prediction based on the information I’ve given so it’s the best they can do.

It makes me so angry that they can’t give definite. People are genuinely wanting to know so they can try and plan for the future.

So worried about it.

[clementine]

Also- what would I need to take with me? Marriage certificate, details of bank accounts etc?

I don’t know what I would need for the kids and me.

[clementine]

Having a bit of a rubbish day –

A couple of times over the last year I’ve suspected my best friend is lying to me. (detail removed by moderator)  Told me she’d had a miscarriage and doctor thought she was about ( detail removed by moderator) I know everyone is different but I’m not believing it. 🙁

(Removed by moderator)

I know these are stupid things, and I would feel awful if she has miscarried and I don’t believe her – but her stories are a bit inconsistent.

Is this the sort of person I attract or am I just being overly sceptical because of the way my husband has been over the years?

Just feeling rough today. Maybe I just feel everyone is out to get me.

[clementine]

🙁

I’m still hopeful and positive. Even if I am being naive.

Like I said, holiday home open again in (detail removed by Moderator) so if he’s not got anything solid by then then I’m taking the kids and going.

Lots to do either way before then so I’m focusing on those things.

[clementine]

Well, maybe I spoke too soon. I popped out earlier and when I got home he said to me that the kids had overheard him on the phone to an estate agent about a flat.

So it does look like he might be moving out soon.

I’m not getting my hopes up too much, but the fact he’s confirmed it with the kids makes it seem like he might be making a definite plan.

I’m going to ring WA tomorrow asking him to ring me back on Wednesday as I’ve hot plans tomorrow. I’ve made a list of things I want to talk about/ask about and questions o have, etc, as I’m not very confident on the phone.

I’ve also started making a list of what I need to do – so find a financial advisor who can guide me in the right direction, especially with my debts, look into the freedom course, research single car insurance policies, start writing draft letters to companies asking them to put the bills in my name so I can just add the dates later and send them all off… lots of stuff to start getting on with.

I really do feel I will be able to cope with divorcing him if I’m not having to live with him.

I’m also going to rewrite my CV and write a covering letter to explain why I’ve not worked for so long – so that’ll be ready to start job hunting.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me that he’s not just playing games.

Though if he is, I’m going to ask WA whether or not I can leave with the kids and if I do, what do I do first kind of thing. So if he doesn’t move out like he’s promising then I will take the kids and go myself.

[clementine]

I thought this for a long time. I don’t talk to my husband – not because I’m deliberately trying to stonewall him but because there’s no point – conversations go round in circles and nothing gets resolved. If I say ‘you did this’ he’ll tell me what about all the times I do the same? Even if it’s not true. He’ll tell me I walk all over people. I live in la-la land. I’m too sensitive. I think any minor disagreement is a full scale argument. He tells me no one cares about me and my family don’t bother with me. And so on. So I just don’t bother talking to him. My whole body gets flooded with fear and adrenaline – I swear you’d be able to see my heart beating just by looking at me.

He uses his size to intimidate me – either standing over me or being above me insome way when he starts on me.

I walk away from him all the time because it just starts getting heated or because I know the kids are still awake upstairs and he’ll have a go at me that I’m immature and this is why nothing gets sorted – because I refuse to talk to him. He’ll storm upstairs when I’m getting the kids ready for bed demanding to talk and I’ll say no, I’m sorting the kids, now’s not the time. And he’ll yell at me that I never want to talk.

I do avoid talking to him because he changes the subject so often I end up feeling like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. It’s so unsettling.

But I hold fast to the knowledge that I have friendships I’ve had since I was a teenager – not just being friends on FB like he is with some of his old school friends – but people who are in my day to day life. Why are they still here if I’m such a terrible person? Why did one friend send a big box of little presents just before Christmas to help Santa out because she knew I was really short on money? Why do people continually invite me out and send birthday cards and presents and things if I walk all over them like he says?

I tell him that he is the only person I’ve ever had trouble talking to. I never had these problems with my ex – and he’ll just say well he took drugs so I’m not sure that counts. He was such a waster. You’ve never had a proper grown up relationship.

Yes he smoked joints but I could still sit down with him and talk about things like money or rent or whatever. He’d apologise if he snapped at me or had a grump. He’d pick me up from wherever when I couldn’t drive without ever making me feel guilty and like I was putting him out. Even when we split up he told me he wanted to try again and that he was losing the best thing that happened to him.

Honestly – make a list, a beautiful long list of what you KNOW to be the truth about yourself. Yes, I know I can be a bit selfish, but I also know and acknowledge it, so I ensure I take a step back and consider other people’s wants and needs before jumping in with what I want – that’s a positive – it means I’m mature enough to know what some of my flaws are and how to counteract them.

Write on it about your friends and things other people do for you. Write about nice things people write about you on FB or any thank you cards you’ve been given. Literally ask your closest friends and family what qualities they like in you.

Make a list of your truth so he can’t take them from you.

[clementine]

I’ve been thinking about this lately too, now that I’m trying to leave and the answer is a massive YES!

To start with, when we got together my pill had run out and we were using condoms, except he’d constantly be telling me how much he hated them and had never had to use them. Sometimes he’d push in without a condom saying he just couldn’t get enough of me (and I was young and naive so I believed that!)

Needless to say I ended up pregnant.

Fast forward a few years and 3 kids later and I’d made the decision that I no longer wanted to take my birth control as I didn’t like the side effects. He’d agreed to have a vasectomy as we were happy with three kids. But he kept putting it off and again we were using condoms. Twice the condom split and I had two rounds of emergency contraception.

He kept getting angry at me for not wanting sex because I was so worried about falling pregnant, split condoms etc.

On (detail removed by Moderator) we’d had a massive argument and to ‘make up’ he wanted sex. I told him no so many times but he kept on giving me a massage and trying to convince me. I still said no, but he pushed inside me without a condom on anyway. I was laying ther face down in the pillow in tears.

I ended up pregnant and terminated the pregnancy. And he for the life of him couldn’t work out how it had happened.

(detail removed by Moderator) later, when I was still bleeding slightly, he was pestering for sex and I kept saying no – so he started screaming at me that I have serious sexual problems, I’m a frigid b****, etc.

He’s always been quite rough. Tells me every single time…. every single time….. how he wants to tie me up, wants to see me with another man, tells me he wants back door sex. He chokes me, spreads me, etc. There’s no respect there.

I knew how many times I could say no before he would kick off about how I’m no good as a wife because I won’t give him the one thing he enjoys, how I never give bj’s – because when we did have sex I just let him do it – I could t face doing anything to him. I’m frigid. I have serious issues with my confidence. I don’t want to get help for it.

I used to have a box of sex toys u til he started accusing me of using them without him (like I’d have time as a sahm) and he was convinced I must be using them all the time because I didn’t want him. He was so angry that I picked up the box and just threw it in the wheelie bin. He later fished it out and tried some vague apology that largely centred on blaming me for not wanting him so how was that meant to make him feel. I put them straight back in the bin and have never bought one since. So tired of being accused of them being better than him, bringing me to orgasm etc.

I have no sexual confidence now. If a man even flirts with me when I get petrol I panic. Even though it’s completely innocent.

[clementine]

I have no money whatsoever and currently my kids are really poorly with chest infections.

Spending his next few days working getting everything sorted that I can’t do when he’s off. Ring women’s aid, pack all paperwork, etc and get it hidden and ready – might mail everything to my sister. Going to try and get hold of rights for women.

There’s still a part of me that thinks we could be amicable. Am I being completely stupid?

He’s still telling me I’m blackmailing him by saying he needs to move out or I will.

[clementine]

So great that you managed to get out.

You have no contact with him – do the kids?
Have you divorced him? How did it go?

[clementine]

I know what you mean about the holidays – I am worried, but I can’t get out until his next days off.

Place isn’t available until (detail removed by Moderator) and that’s during his first lot of holiday.

It all just seems so dramatic. And everyone else will think the same. He genuinely doesn’t understand why I want to end the marriage and although he’s admitted he has been abusive he says I am too and that what it comes down to is that I couldn’t handle his mental health.

I am getting everything ready. I’ve got a list of what I need, kids school stuff, medication, printing out worksheets for the kids and their maths books, keeping their clothes clean and a few outfits put aside in their drawers.

I feel awful doing it. I’m still feeling like I don’t want to anger him because I’ll xome off worse in the end as he’ll fight me the whole way and want to make me pay. I don’t have the confidence to go to court. I don’t want to risk him fighting me for custody of our kids purely out of spite.

Aargh! I know I need to go and I’m doing this but I just wish I could go on (detail removed by Moderator) when he’s back at work. It’s this waiting now that’s making me nervous.

[clementine]

Thank you.

Yes, I feel I can’t access support very easily right now and I suspect that’s why he’s decided to take a ridiculous amount of holiday over the next few months – to make sure I’m not up to no good.

Oh well, at least I know he’ll be nice to me today since he kicked off yesterday. I’ve had about 3 hours sleep and he, who claims to be broken by me and terrified about his future, was asleep within 10 minutes of getting into bed. Wish I could not give a damn like him and get a good nights sleep.

[clementine]

I’ve just started keeping a journal but I still feel like anyone could just make something like that up if they really wanted to.

I’m worried about GP incase they inform social services.

Yes I have some friends that might be willing to do that. Do you think that would help?

[clementine]

Thank you. I can’t ring them today so I’m going to try and get hold of them on Thursday when he’s back at work.

A friend has offered for me to go and stay with her until I can get to other place. Even then I’m worried because it’s 5 hours away and a boat ride. She’s middle of nowhere.

I still, despite it all, feel awful for taking th kids away from him and I know it will push his temper through the roof.

[clementine]

I have no proof he’s been abusive though. That’s my problem.

I just want to go now, but I can’t.

He’s tryinf to convince me I’ve said two major things today that I am 100% sure I didn’t – completely twisting what I did say and meant into something completely unrelated.

It’s his word against mine so I’m worried about court.

He’ll make things as hellish as possible and I’m just really worried about the future. I’m worried he’ll get access to the kids as he only works half of each week so I’m worried he’ll go for 50/50. Equally I’m worried about how I’ll work as a single mother and earn money.

But mostly I just need to be away from him. I’m so worn down.

[clementine]

Thank you.

So many people have said to me though that I am the one that wants to leave him so why should he leave? I should be the one to go. I’m so confused.

[clementine]

Second phone is a great idea, thank you.

[clementine]

Thanks for your reply.

I will do that – but he will know where I am. It’s the only place I have to go.

I can’t keep the children from him. They want to see him. But I’m worried if I left hem with him he wouldn’t give them back.

I’m worried then if he took me to court – it’s not going to look good me not letting him see the kids, is it?

I have no proof of the way he has treated me and he’s already said he will deny everything o say and tell them I’m the abusive one and I’m the one with a temper etc. It’s my word against his.

[clementine]

🙁

I can’t go anywhere until (detail removed by Moderator) as until then the holiday home is shut. If he’s not got something on paper by then I’ll be going. I just want to speak to WA first to make sure I do all the right things once I’ve left.

[clementine]

What?! That’s crazy! What did your mum say? That’s so weird.

[clementine]

If I could get another mortgage I would quite happily sell this place or buy him out completely. But he also needs to understand that I will have the children so my capacity to work will be somewhat limited and I will not be able to get a mortgage/high rent place. He’s said so many times that if I want to leave then I should leave the kids with him and go. That’s not going to happen – he’s looked after them on his own probably less than 10 times in their lives. He can’t cook, doesn’t know how to use the washing machine, etc.

Yes, my husband was suspicious when I got them done. When I booked the car in the garage and told him he’d need to take the kids to their group as I’d be dropping the car off – he accused me of having an affair and wanted me to change the time to drop it off so that he could come with me to prove I wasn’t up to no good.

I’m clawing back some confidence little by little.

[clementine]

Thanks for your reply.

I fully agree – I know he’s behaving because I’m conforming and that’s why I’m scared to actually start divorce. I think also because I have NO confidence- I’m embarrassed about my finances which I’d have to show solicitor, I’m worried about having to get house valued – three different estate agents poking and prodding and nosying, making phone calls – all those tiny little things that it takes so much courage to do because he’s taken all my confidence from me. I know it sounds silly but that’s how it is.

I’m making myself do little bits here and there – stuff like taking stuff down the tip I wouldn’t normally do and getting new tyres for the car. Just gaining that tiny bit of confidence snippet by snippet.

I find it easier to process stuff when it’s on paper, that’s why I want the notebook. I find it difficult to take stuff in when it’s on my phone. I’ll probably just keep it in my car which I can’t even remember the last time he got into.

It wasn’t solely my deposit. He put in the same amount and so we’re mortgage free. As I said, at most I could buy him out 70/30 to me but I know he just wouldn’t go for it. He’d still be saying I’m ruining him and I’m just like all the other women that screw men over.

I’m so glad you’re getting out. How is he behaving? How are you agreeing on house and kids?

This is what worries me – I don’t think I’ll be able to live with him once I start legal side of things. The things he says to the children or shouts at me when the children are still awake in bed upstairs is awful, I don’t want to put them through it. That’s not fair on them

[clementine]

I’m sorry you’re coping with this too. What stops you leaving?

I never understood why he bit me. It’s just be on the arm or somewhere and then he’d laugh saying, ‘ooops, I got carried away. Don’t know what I was doing there’ – but it used to make my blood run cold.

I no longer take our dog for a walk. Once the kids were in bed I used to take him out but my husband would always make it clear he was annoyed at me, and if I took too long he’d be texting asking me where I was and what I was doing. Then when I got home I felt like I couldn’t go for a bath or take some time to read because he wanted me to spend time with him (despite him only working 3-4 days a week) – I just stopped taking him out. That little bit of freedom I did have, gone.

There’s so many little things I couldn’t even go through them all. Even so, I find it hard to imagine things couldn’t be okay again – he’s behaving at the moment and I wish it could always be like this. And I hate the fact that other people only ever see this side of him.

[clementine]

I’m so glad you’ve got some proof of the way he has treated you. I hope you manage to make some progress once the kids are back at school. X

[clementine]

Oh my goodness, yes! My husband has said so so many times how he thinks I have a secret life that I don’t let him be a part of! Word for word what you said.

I’ve been tearing my hair out over it wondering why on Earth he thinks that – especially as he comes nearly everywhere with us – I have three children who tell Daddy everything and yet he still thinks I’m hiding something. I just don’t get it.

I go to see friends who he knows but he chooses not to come and then blames me saying I don’t make him feel a part of our (mine and the kids’) lives. But at the same time I’m glad he doesn’t come because he has nothing nice to say about any of my friends – so I’ve always just thought – maybe he does kind of have a point. Maybe I do somehow make it obvious I don’t really want him there.

My husband has never really been physical in as much as he’s never hit me, but he smacks around the house a lot to make me know he’s cross, he’s punched walls and doors, driving deliberately badly/fast/scary with me and the kids in the car, that kind of thing. Sometimes he’s bitten me during sex or similar and I’ve always wondered if that was intentional because in (detail removed by Moderator) odd years – I’ve never accidentally bitten someone.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

[clementine]

Sadness- I was told that I wouldn’t be able to have him removed from the house as he’s been on his best behaviour for a while now so he’s not considered a risk to live with.

I’m sorry you’re going through the same. How are you coping with it?

I’ve bought a fresh notebook this morning and will make some notes about leaving – what I want, where I see it heading, phone numbers that I may need and advice from wa when I get a chance to ring them – so I’m feeling kind of positive about that. Feels like a tiny step – just need to find somewhere to hide it as husband likes to go through my things.

[clementine]

My fear is being without the children, being able/unable to work due to childcare constraints, him having unsupervised access.

I want the house and the kids. I’d be happy to perhaps buy him out 70/30 but I know he won’t go for this as hell just fight to the back teeth for the sake of not giving me what I want.

But I also worry if I bought him out, he’d be able to get a bigger rental and then would be able to have the children more.

I’m going to ring WA when he’s back at work and try and find some way to do the freedom course – I know you can do it online, but I want to meet the others doing the course too as I feel that would be beneficial.

I’m not averse to leaving myself, but like I said – the only place I have to go is a holiday home several hours away, so I’d be taking the kids somewhere with no friends, etc. I’d be on my own in terms of support too and I don’t know how visitation would work. Plus he’d be so angry if I went there again. (detail removed by Moderator)

I know now that his behaviour is abusive but he doesn’t see it that way. He feels his behaviour is completely justified. I find that hard that he can’t take accountability for it.

I was so looking forward to the new year and making some progress on getting out but I just don’t know what steps to take now I’m actually here!

Stupid isn’t it? I’m so jealous of these women who take their kids and go and don’t feel one ounce of guilt. I wish I could be lol them.

[clementine]

Hi,

Thanks for your reply.

I don’t want to go to the GP as I don’t want them to refer us to social services. It’s just not something I’m happy to do. I’ve heard too many social services horror stories. Also, I feel like I’m wasting their time. So many people when I’ve tried to tell them how he behaves have looked at me like I’m mad and just say, ‘oh yeah, my husband does that too – drives me insane’

I wonder sometimes if it IS me like he says- he tells me I don’t talk to him, which I don’t because I’m so scared of his reaction over such minor things, tells me I’ve never let him be part of the family (when I say he’s never made any effort since day one with the kids – NEVER takes them out on his own, or helps with homework, etc), tells me I live in la-la land if I think other husbands don’t swear at their wives and lose their temper, that he doesn’t smack around the house – I’m just over sensitive and because he’s a big man he obviously makes more noise when he’s moving around.

I have debt in my own name too so I’m hoping he’ll have to keep his debt and me, mine. If that makes sense? I’m so angry about it because I didn’t know he was in so much debt.

Ideally, I don’t want to sell the house. It is our children’s home and I would hope he would want them to have that security.

It is also owned outright. I’m worried that if I had to sell, I wouldn’t get another mortgage with three dependents. Then the thousands that are tied up in the house would be spent on renting – I was given the money on the sole purpose of it being a deposit for the house. I wouldn’t get another mortgage.

I was told I was not entitled to legal aid as I have no proof of him being abusive – the same as the non molestation order. It is literally his word against mine and I’m worried he will lie about me to solicitors/court. Last time when I filed for divorce he completely denied the things he had done and I worry he’ll make up stuff about me (because he said he would, and he seems to genuinely believe his own lies).

I just don’t know how to proceed. I am scared to file for divorce again because of how he behaved last time and still having to live with him.

I think I’m just finding it hard as well because I worry about him. He tells me he doesn’t have the money to move out and to pay child maintenance – which to be honest is true. He doesn’t have a good relationship with his family and they don’t really bother with him so he has next to no support.

I’m so scared about the future. Angry because he has a right to share the children and I’m devastated that he can treat me the way he has and I can choose to walk away but my children, vulnerable, impressionable children, can’t. There’s no protection for them.

I just want to walk out of the door with the kids and never look back. I feel like I can’t deal with divorce while living here with him. It’s too much. The whole of the last year has been so fragile and I can’t take anymore.

When he’s back at work in a couple of days I’m going to try to ring again, but I don’t really know how they can help me.

[clementine]

KIP – I should also add – it’s not our holiday home. It belongs to my family. He wouldn’t be welcome to stay there.

[clementine]

KIP – I’ve been told I don’t qualify for legal aid.

I know they are most dangerous at this time which is why I’m here asking for advice – because I’m so scared to do it – previously when I’ve tried to leave he’s raised a hand to me but didn’t actually hit me, but I really though he was going to, him punching walls, head butting stuff, turning up knowing where I’d be and letting himself into the house.

[clementine]

Sadness – When I tried to leave last time my solicitor told me I could get a non-molestation order to have him removed, but when I actually asked her to start paperwork for it she backtracked telling me that as he was now playing Dad of the year, a court wouldn’t deem him a risk to live with.

He knows he has to behave or I will go down that route so hes doing just that.

[Author]

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