Dobedo

[Dobedo]

Hi my love.
First off, by even having the strength to report him you have done an amazing thing. It takes a lot of bravery to report abusers, and you should enormously proud of yourself.

Its not uncommon for you to have feelings of guilt, even though you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You’ve lived with this for years, in many ways finally reporting is making you see it from a new angle, people other than yourself and those closest to you now know about it and its going to be strange and unfamiliar territory.

You had every right and reason to report him. You’re a fighter and you’ve done the right thing, don’t let anyone, including yourself, try and convince you otherwise. Nobody has the right to abuse you, there isn’t a situation that could ever exist that would make that ok. No matter whatever slant he ever put on it; what he did was disgusting and wrong, and he needed to be reported for it.

Giving a statement to the police can be quite frightening, try to have a good nights sleep before hand and make sure someone is with you afterwards. Just a bit of a warning, when giving a statement about sexual abuse, police need you to be quite precise about what has happened. Its dreadful, I know, but please know that the specialist police officers you will be speaking to deal with this all the time and they will always take sexual abuse very seriously, even if happened 30+ years ago they would take it seriously.

I reported my ex after (detail removed by moderator), similar situation. The interviews were not easy but in the long-term I think it helped to finally get this horrible stuff I had been carrying around for so long off my chest.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Its definitely a good idea to get a counsellor on board as soon as possible. Keep posting on the forums and stay strong.

Sending you love and strength xx

[Dobedo]

You’re only human.

Psychological abuse does more damage that we realise. Sometimes survivors aren’t aware of the extent until years after they left the relationship. It makes you do things you wouldn’t do otherwise, sometimes to protect yourself mentally and physically, and sometimes its things to make you feel better.

No one has the right to abuse you, either mentally or physically, no matter how in love and committed you are, how long you’ve been together. The fact that physical violence wasn’t happening every day doesn’t make it any better, even subconsiously, your behaviour would have changed out of fear of angering him and it happening again.

You shouldn’t feel guilty; he doesn’t. He doesn’t see what he’s done to you, until you were numb from the pain of being repeatedly hurt by someone you loved and should have able to trust.

I reminds me a lot of my story. My ex partner and I split up not long into the relationship – I hated the way he spoke to me and it was becoming apparent that he was deeply controlling and sexist. This was before any violence at all, but I was scared of the possibility.

A week or so later, I called a previous boyfriend. I know; stupid mistake. I was lonely, I had been isolated for a while and it had been so long since I had even been held with some tenderness.

When we got back together (another stupid mistake) he found out very quickly that I had been with someone else. He made me feel terrible, called me all the horrible names he had called me before, except this time I thought I deserved it. He said I was a sl*t for being with someone else so quickly, I had betrayed his trust and I lucky that a man of his calibre even wanted to be with me anymore.

The abuse just got worse and worse. He brought up what I had done continuously in the middle of arguments, held it over my head for over a year, told me that wh*res deserve to be hit. When the violence started, he denied any knowledge of it, isolated me to the point that I felt like was going mad and monitored every single communication I made. I would end up doing anything to stop him screaming at me at full volume in the middle of night, since the neighbours would hear about what I had done.

And I stayed, because I felt guilty.

He’s magnified what you’ve done, and he refuses to see the immense damage he’s done to you. Its another form of abuse. You need to forgive yourself- you’re only human. Don’t let him use this to guilt trip you into doing what he wants.
It does not give him the right to abuse you.

[Dobedo]

For the first time in some time I’m having really awful panic attacks.

She actually said ‘I didn’t know he was hitting you hard enough to (detail removed by moderator)’

Just wtf am I meant to say to that? I’d told her he’d split my lip and nothing happened.

I’m starting to wonder if our relationship is even repairable at this point.

[Dobedo]

Thats wonderful, well done. When you’ve been really difficult times you learn to appreciate the small things.
All the best xx

[Dobedo]

Hi guys. Thanks for all the messages they’ve REALLY helped. I think I just have to remember that the lies and manipulation are as much a part of the abuse as the punches and kicks- they both amount to the same thing; me hating myself and him getting away with it.

[Dobedo]

Hi guys,

Sorry for the last message, was in a really horrible place. And thank you for the messages, I can’t tell you how much they helped me today ❤

I recently moved so am currently trying to register with a GP, due to current circumstances this is taking even longer than usual.

I think I’ve been a state lately because I only recently told a friend of mine the full circumstances of what happened to me (detail removed by moderator) ago.
(Detail removed by moderator) I think it’s only recently I’ve actually realised how bad it was, how young I was to deal with that level of stress.
I’ve also thought of writing police and telling them the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Until a few days ago no one, not even my old counsellor knew what he had done, (detail removed by moderator).

 

[Dobedo]

This sounds very familiar. After a bad ‘incident’, or potential break-up, abusers pull out all the stops to try and make you stay.
This in no way whatsoever makes the damage he has done and the way he has made you feel ok.
It’s a method of manipulation, to make you feel guilty and question yourself for being angry and untrusting of him.

My ex-partner did something very similar, he’d bring home roses; but the feel and smell of him near me made me feel sick.

Trust yourself, those instincts are there for a reason. Know that you deserve better than the way you’ve been treated and that is unshifting, there are no conditions in which abuse ever has or will be acceptable.

All the best xx

[Dobedo]

Thank you for all the replies. It really makes me sad to think that this is so similar to what happened to others, its horrendous. After so long of being isolated and made to feel worthless, you really do end up feeling like you’re the only one.
He contacted me quite recently to say that although he knows he hurt me, that I hurt him too. Bear in mind that this is a guy who once spent literally a whole night beating me up, broke into my flat on a regular basis, cost me my job. There was never any reasoning to be had and I’ve never understood it at all. He had just graduated from law school and had so much to loose.

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