dreameroftheday

[dreameroftheday]

He started saying I took my place in a refuge from a more deserving woman. He claims I haven’t suffered any abuse, and even if I did mine was mental abuse and my life wasn’t in danger. He said only women who have had a threat to their life should ever go in s refuge. I was so hurt I just needed someone to tell me I was ok to.get my place. I called karma nirvana and they were amazing.

[dreameroftheday]

Wow. I was reading through this at first thinking at least I’ve never been ignored. Then I remembered all the times my dad would go quiet because he wasn’t getting his own way. I would try and talk to him, but his eyes were trained on something else and I would end up walking out of the room, annoyed. He would do it to my mum too. And especially when he was wrong but wanted to be right all the time. Like I would always accept when I was wrong. If anyone dared say anything to my dad like, you haven’t understood me, listen again…. He would go crazy. Like how dare you say he misunderstood. No he understood everything and he’s mad as hell. That angry look he would have on his face scared me all through childhood right into adulthood. It still shocks me to realise these things. All these little things I thought didn’t matter, but they all add up to something.

[dreameroftheday]

My boyfriend and I did briefly split up, for a week because he wanted space. We got back together because I bumped into him one day and he decided we are better together. We gave each other much needed space for a few weeks, and now everything seems a lot better. I need to continue my counselling and the artwork I started while in the refuge.

[dreameroftheday]

I’ll definitely send a thank you to my support worker, she really helped me. It was other staff members who ruined it for me. My support worker said I should never have been forced to take bedding just because it was in a bad condition. She said they would usually dispose of it. I’m still waiting for the money that I overpaid. I know for a fact that if I owed them money I’d be getting lots of phone calls and messages. I never caused any trouble when I was there. I kept my room tidy, always paid the charges on time. I’m just baffled as to why everyone else has had such a positive time after leaving but I haven’t. They also lost the card that said exactly what they owe me, and my file was temporarily lost after it was put back with the current residents instead of the archives. All I can think is I must have really bad luck.

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I think I am slowly destroying my relationship and I can’t even stop myself doing it. It’s like I’m picking fights with my boyfriend on purpose because I’m stuck in a refuge. And when you don’t have much money you end up stuck inside a lot, so cabin fever sets in and we have a curfew and so on. It feels like a prison sometimes. I thought I would be ok once I left home. It’s like a whole other battle to get through, meanwhile all the stuff that happened still affects me. I was taken out of school. I look stupid on paper. I’m doing courses but not saying I’m studying when I apply for jobs. I don’t want anything to put them off. I just feel really down in myself. I don’t know how to fix it.

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I think it is not understood as well as other types of abuse. I’m in a refuge because of my father and one of my brothers. Pretty much everyone else is here because of an ex partner. Everyone else is getting help ie counselling and so on. Over (detail removed by Moderator) months later I am still waiting for my counselling. My case was closed by the local healthy minds project almost immediately. I honestly believe that is not done to those here because of an ex. Maybe it’s time people realised abuse can come from anyone not just an ex.

[dreameroftheday]

In the refuge we are studying the freedom programme. I think lots of people should do it. It describes exactly what you are talking about, how violent men play games. They’re nice to other people but not you etc.

[dreameroftheday]

In some ways my situation was strange because my dad never tried to get me married. In fact he wanted to keep me at home. For what reason I have no idea as all he seemed to do to me was make demands, judge me, lecture me, tell me off for something or another. I was actually trying to get married myself, but my dad would reject every man I found. And he told me no white men. He says horrible things about my boyfriend via voicemail. He doesn’t even know him.

I was thinking of going back home to get the rest of my things. I wouldn’t go in while my dad is there though. But I have decided against this. One of my brothers, the good one, may bring them to me so I hope that’s the case. I don’t want to take any risks.

We all need friends. I’ve made friends here but I have found myself not being able to completely open up to them. I cry alone or to my boyfriend. I think he is getting fed up of me lol

[dreameroftheday]

When I called the helpline I sort of got the impression they don’t know too much about abuse within BME communities, but to her credit the woman on the line did recognise possible issues with honour. I always thought I was ok because nobody physically hurt me. But after I left home my father started leaving me messages saying he wished God would destroy me and that I wasn’t clean anymore because I’m with a Non-Muslim man. He mentioned honour and said what would people think? And that the best place for me is my family home. He doesn’t believe I’m happy here and for a while he kept threatening to call the police and report me missing, but my support worker here said let him call the police if he wants, we will sort it out if he does.

Honestly my mum is a product of what’s around her because she is from a western culture but she has been with my dad a long time. I think she doesn’t know how to reason with my dad. And when I would go to her and complain my brother was harsh she didn’t seem to care. But when my brother went to her with his suspicions about my relationship, she completely sided with him and let him treat me like dirt, right in front of her. I understand her being afraid of male members of the family but she let it go too far, to the point where I just wasn’t as close to her anymore because she was just constantly suspicious.

[dreameroftheday]

I am from a mixed background myself and I was truly a minority where I used to be. I am in a refuge now. I still feel like a minority as I have not yet met anyone like myself. The abuse came from my father then as one of my younger brothers got older he also started to act like my father. He would act strict like him and tell me off when he felt like it. I was really close to my brother, we were like friends and we did loads of stuff together. We’d play video games, we would go to the cinema. Things started to get bad when he noticed I liked men and would speak to them. He really disapproved of this due to our religion and especially our father’s culture. We started to grow apart and he became harsh with me. I would get really angry with him but I held it inside, but it seemed like he was allowed to tell me off whenever he wanted and my parents didn’t really care. The night before I left for the refuge, he was telling me off and trying to get me to confess to being in a relationship (which I am, with an incredible man who I love so much). He was blocking the doorway and not letting me go. My mother was standing nearby and I asked her why are you letting him do this? She shrugged and said well I want to know if you are in a relationship. Our religion tells us to conceal our ‘sins’, yet I was being forced to confess my so-called ‘sins’. I refused to speak about it as I felt it was none of their business what I did in my private life. I remember going upstairs to try and calm myself down as I was hyperventilating. Nobody even came to check on me to see if I was ok. I am so glad I was able to get myself out and into a refuge. I feel so much safer here and free to see and talk to my boyfriend. I still want to be in touch with the family members who support me, I don’t want anyone to think I chose a man over my family. It’s not like that at all but unfortunately in some cultures it becomes that because they just will not accept you dating.

Anyway sorry for my post being so long. I am so glad we now have a section to post in.

[dreameroftheday]

I am in a refuge and the worse thing that happens is boredom lol. But I will be starting some courses soon and I’m looking for work too so hopefully something comes my way soon. I will feel better about moving out then. I have already met some amazing ladies in here who have survived so much, some are so young too. It makes you wonder why they are treated so badly. It’s awful. The staff are wonderful here, really friendly, and we get some food donations which really helps. I see my boyfriend regularly and he’s been amazing, he deserves a medal for putting up with my mood. I just get really fed up sometimes and I want to vent to him, bless him I feel bad sometimes.

[dreameroftheday]

My phone is letting me down as I can’t block numbers on it, I can only divert to voicemail. I may have to change my number eventually as it’s wearing me down, and I need my phone on to contact people who still support me. I feel weak right now, not brave. They’re asking me to go back home. I said I can’t do that. My dad won’t change, it’s who he is.

[dreameroftheday]

I did end up leaving. I’m in a refuge now, not too far from my boyfriend. I diverted all my family’s calls to voicemail. My dad keeps saying I need to come back home as running away is what teenagers do. I was surprised he actually acknowledged me as an adult. He said people will start talking about me because I’m not at home. That’s what my dad has always cared about, what other people think. Perhaps they need to see he’s not a good dad and drove his daughter to leave. My parents would never force me into marriage as all my dad wants is for me to stay at home. I was actually trying to leave home by getting married when I was younger and he didn’t support it at all. He wouytalk to the guy I was interested in and always destroy it somehow. He just wanted me home. But I was really unhappy. I was recently getting more bad days than good. Calling my boyfriend and crying to him, and him saying he couldn’t do much from where he was. I’d always ask him if I should go to a refuge and he said he didn’t want to tell me to go in case it was awful. It isn’t though, it’s much better than home here.

I know Shafilea’s story. I always said my family wouldn’t go that far but who knows really.

[dreameroftheday]

Everything has been crazy the last couple of days. My sister got questioned about me by my mum as she is desperately trying to find out if I’m sneaking off to do anything. My sister didn’t tell but she got really upset about it. I felt terrible as she messaged me after and said she wished she didn’t know anything. My brother confronted me and asked if I was doing anything with guys. I denied everything and I was trying to walk away from him but he wouldnt let me. I had to just force my way through and say I didn’t want to talk about anything. I was panicking so much when I got away. I had to calm myself down and slow down my breathing. He then told me I was a waste of space and I should just leave home. I have wanted to go for so long and it just made something click in my head. I’ve been told I’m not wanted now, it’s almost reassuring that I won’t be missed. I called the helpline and hopefully I can leave soon. I need to breathe.

[dreameroftheday]

My younger brother was starting to go the same way as my dad. He learned that going silent works too. I don’t even think he realised what he was doing. I don’t know to be honest. I’m just glad I got out. But whenever I speak to anyone in my family, it’s like I left for no reason. They make me feel like I didn’t have to leave. But I know I did.

I really wish you the best Bridget. I know it’s not easy.

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