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Thanks so much for your replies, ladies. All advice and understanding is greatly appreciated xx

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Oh redred, this sounds so exhausting. This is very calculated manipulation, I would imagine he doesn’t believe a word of it. My husband has said similar in the past and been utterly convincing that he “knows what I’ve done”. Despite being the one who filed for divorce and you suspect he is seeing someone else, he is still maintaining a great deal of control. Abusers seem to always use the turn the tables tactic of ‘you’re the one who is abusing me’ it’s just another form of gaslighting.
They will also do their upmost to turn others against you while painting themselves to be victims – like he has his family.
To bring your children into the manipulation by calling your family a ‘mistake’ is heart-breaking to hear but sadly not uncommon amongst abusers. I admire you for having the strength to reach out here. If you’re new here, there’s a chat facility available so you can talk through your options with someone supportive and they can direct to other organisations that can help. Please keep posting here too, I’m new but the ladies advice so far has been wonderful xx

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Thank you so much for sharing this. Much needed today. I’m so happy to read about your beautiful new home xx

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Hi Scarecrow,

His behaviour sounds exhausting. From your post, I honestly can’t get a handle on whether its manipulative ‘love-bombing’ or whether he’s co-dependent to the extreme. The fact his eldest told you he never helped out around the house makes me think its the first. That he’s trying to paint himself as an amazing boyfriend – the pushing of happy social media posts reinforces that notion for me – so that his abuse slips under everyone’s radar. That constant, cloying behaviour, whether its a manipulative action or through low self-esteem on his part is so tiring. The sexual aspect is very concerning. You don’t say how long you’ve been together (If you did and I missed it, apologies) and although you’ve said you don’t want to be alone, it has to better than this man who honestly sounds very immature – the neediness, the bragging, the ‘snogging’ in public despite it making you uncomfortable etc. I wish I had some advice to give you in terms of ending it, I’m still working on that myself and don’t wish to be a hypocrite but I do want to say you absolutely are not overreacting, the behaviour you listed is not that of a healthy relationship x

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Thanks so much for your replies ladies. It’s helpful to even have it confirmed for me that I’m not crazy like he will make out I am.

Your advice is encouraging and much appreciated. I will definitely check out that book ❤️

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Firstly, I want to say I admire the courage and strength it must have taken to do what you knew was right for you. You deserve to feel cherished within any relationship and you’ve seen that you deserve that which is such a huge step forward.

I think it’s perfectly natural to feel the sadness, its a form of grieving isn’t it when a relationship comes to an end, even one we know isn’t good for us. We mourn the potential of what we felt it could have become. But you know what it would have become would have been bad for you so despite the pain you removed that from your life. It may not seem like it right now but I hope in time you’ll be so proud of yourself for realising you deserve the best life can offer you.

The fact he has found another relationship, especially if they overlapped, reinforces your decision that you did the right thing. Give yourself the time you need to recover from this, always be gentle with yourself xx

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I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling low today, Scarecrow. I completely see where you’re coming from. I would be telling friends to leave if they described my situation to me. But it’s harder to be objective about our own relationships.
I think that you feeling you have to keep certain things that are hurting you inside to avoid upsetting him is abusive in of itself. You are unable to communicate with him because of his reaction. I don’t know your partner but I would think he likely knows that is the case, essentially it’s like weaponizing your own compassion against you. That must be so tiring and will have a massive impact on your mental health feeling silenced for the benefit of him.
I know it’s the hardest thing, retraining our minds to think a certain way, especially if you have been in an abusive relationship before, but even if there was no abuse within a relationship you have the right to leave it if its unhappy. I think for many of us the biggest step will be getting our brains to realise it. Sending you many hugs xx

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nBumblebee, thank you for your reply lovely. I’m so sorry you are going through the same nastiness, I hope you are as well as can be expected. It’s just so tiring. That’s great advice about writing stuff down, I often find myself questioning it all when he’s being nice to me so it will act as a reminder and fortify my will to leave. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Stay safe xx

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Thanks Bananaboat. I will check the book out. I’ve been reading through some other posts and it’s helped me to feel significantly less alone. I could be reading about my own life mirrored in a lot of posts. Thank you for taking the time to reply xx

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