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    • #141480
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      They don’t want us to have time to rebuild/recharge because that would allow us to get better and stronger. By controlling the small things they keep us where they want us. Practise as much self care as you can.. take long baths and watch your programs on your phone, if you can?

      I’m great at giving advice/seeing logic when it’s someone else, absolutely flipping hopeless when it’s myself that needs a wake up call! X

    • #134787
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Hey @Auriel can you send me the link to that post please? I really struggle with navigating this site on my phone for some reason 🙃
      Thanks x

    • #134786
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks all. It’s just that realisation that everything was a lie; suppose it’s a blow to the pride to know that he never felt anything real for me at all. None of them are capable of real feeling, which is why it’s so furious-making to think of all the hours spent worrying about him and whether he could cope without me, because he was so needy. I know all the neediness was just part of the game too.

      Have been thinking about it and I can honestly say I was never properly happy with him, certainly never felt any peace, not once. I’m not even sad for us because I know there wasn’t ever really an “us” at all.

    • #134617
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks. Yeah I know it was the right thing to do really, but I couldn’t sleep last night and ended up reading loads of stuff on Quora where people were saying that reporting it could make it worse for the woman. All I know is my neighbours suddenly went deaf when I was in the same position and I’d have loved for someone to have called the police. I also know that I couldn’t live with myself if something happened.

      Yes I’m distancing myself now, definitely. Going to keep my head down and think about moving. And if it happens again and the kids sound as terrified as they did, I’ll have to call again :/

      Thanks xx

    • #134584
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      I feel sick this morning, a real sense of dread. Don’t know if it was the right thing to do, I know a lot of people would say not to call the police. But when it was happening I froze, my daughter kept begging (detail removed by moderator). Guttural screams from the woman and the kids as he kept shouting f’s and c’s and banging so much our house shook too. (Detail removed by moderator). I’ve tried to make friends with the woman to see if I can help.

      There’s animals in there too and I know they’re not being properly looked after. I feel like I want to get away as quickly as possible now because I don’t know if he’ll come for me, and now I have nobody to call (my ex, ironically, would have been here in the blink of an eye!)

    • #134186
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Let’s help each other! I did nearly two weeks no contact, then caved, now starting all over again. Stick at it, they don’t change and it just hurts more every time. You can do this xx

    • #134154
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks both. I did have him blocked, then I watched some videos/read some stuff that said when you block malignant narcissists (which I’m 99.9% sure he is as he fits ALL the criteria) it can make them rage. I didn’t want him turning up on the doorstep so figured unblocking was the lesser of two evils. But I know it made me vulnerable. It’s amazing how he has the power to make me forget everything bad he did and doubt myself. But I guess that’s what they all do!

    • #133467
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Also, is your friend aware of the situation? It would be good if she could be flexible with this. I didn’t mean to sound harsh in my above reply cos know that feeling of being trapped only too well. WA were really helpful with me and I got a house from a local housing association within about 6 months… spent the time before then putting everything in order and staying as quiet as possible. It was really hard to accept because I’d bought my first house at a young age and never claimed a penny from the government until that day, but really it’s what they’re there for – to help people when they need it. Wishing you lots of luck and strength x

    • #133466
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      I’m with @Eyesopening. My daughter was the top of her year in every subject, really bright and sparky, and then went on to flunk her GCSEs and college course. She’s had two jobs which she’s left due to stress. We talk about it a lot and I know the reason she has such extreme anxiety now is that I stayed with my abuser too long. She’s had to watch me putting up with abusive men (I picked two, consecutively!) and I will never forgive myself for that. Even if they’re not being abused as such by these men, the effects of seeing their mothers go through it can be catastrophic. I know it’s really hard but promise it will be best for you all in the long run. Xx

    • #133385
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      I think the thing is they work so hard on making us feel shitty and unattractive that the idea of life without them seems impossible at first. I have up days and down days but certainly feel a lot better today than when I wrote that post, and it was only a week ago! I’m enjoying the calm and quiet it of being away from him and hadn’t realised exactly how incredibly stressful and toxic it was before because I was so heavily embroiled in it. Guess that’s why he called all the time when we weren’t physically together, to keep me “locked in” and blinkered.

      I feel absolutely knackered though. My hair started coming out in clumps when we were together and I’ve gone grey in under a year. I’ve got chest pains today and think it’s probably nothing other than just coming down from all the drama.

      Sending love, light and strength to all of you, it will get better. Glad we all have each other for support xx

    • #132887
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Love this! Thank you for sharing, have a lovely day in your sanctuary:) x

    • #132810
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate your support xx

    • #132790
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      I feel the same! It’s trauma bonding. We’ll get there…

    • #132776
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks everyone. I’ve spent what feels like most of my life lately worrying about him, when he clearly doesn’t care about my feelings. Woke up this morning having a panic attack!

      Have blocked his number now. (Wrote all this on another thread, only just seen your replies!)

    • #132741
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Morning! Hope you’re feeling a bit brighter today.

      I agree with you, it’s only through reading about other women’s experience and getting support on here and a couple of other sites that I’ve managed to stay vaguely sane.

      To be honest I still haven’t rebuilt myself properly quite yet. I got into another relationship almost (detail removed by moderator) and that’s just ended, partly because of my issues with my ex but mostly because the new guy shows some fairly major signs of being a narcissist too. So I really need to work on my self esteem and be on my own for a little while.

      I had my first counselling session yesterday and it was painful to relive it all, but I can tell it’s going to really help. It reminded me of so much stuff he used to do and say. It got so bad I lived in fear and honestly thought I had gone insane. He told me every day I was fat, useless, ugly, stupid, annoying, unlovable. I lost my job because I had a breakdown. That’s just the tip of the iceberg but I think the emotional torture was worse than the physical. The worst bit was how it affected my daughter, which I’ll never forgive myself for.

      So it’s a long process but I’m getting there. And I (and I’m sure lots of other wonderful women on here) will be happy to do help you get through your battle.
      We’re braver than we think! X

    • #132731
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Also,(I’m rubbish at text and can’t see how to edit my comment haha) you are absolutely not to blame for his behaviour. There’s never any excuse or reason for domestic abuse and you did nothing to deserve what happened to you.

    • #134703
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Yeah, everything was my fault too.

    • #134701
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      I know not to take it personally because it’s wired into their DNA to follow these same patterns of behaviour, it’s just astonishing how they all do the same things. Like they’re not capable of feeling anything real.

      I had a realisation a few months ago that he was an emotional vampire, you’re so right. It’s like they suck the life out of anyone who sticks around long enough. Pathetic creatures. X

    • #134693
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      It’s madness. Just goes to show how fake they all are, how real love is just an alien concept to them. Imagine being that insecure! And they make out we’re the weak ones…

    • #134690
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      ❤️

    • #134218
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      It’s amazing isn’t it? They all sound like the same person. Mine used to make me feel sorry for him all the time, his favourite subject is himself and he has to win every game. That’s all our relationship ever was to him I think, a game.

      They really are!

    • #134217
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks, yes it does rhyme with “anchor”, also “mastered” and “punt”. Thanks for making me laugh 😂

      It was actually one of my male friends that commented, not his, I just missed that bit out. He’s blocked now and my pic is of something that symbolises joy, so if he logs on with another account or something he’ll get the message! What an anchor indeed x

    • #133434
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      ❤️

    • #133295
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      I really hope you can get out soon. Mine was so needy, he couldn’t stand me even replying to my daughter’s texts or my work emails. Every time I left to go home he would prolong it by inventing a drama or saying he didn’t feel well. Then he had the audacity to say I was needy and not strong enough for him?!

      It’s actually laughable in a sick way. Sending love and strength to you x

    • #133286
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks, think they’re all made in the same factory! I’ve been keeping a journal and it’s really helped to see it all written down…

      It was actually him that finished it in the end, but only because I’d called him out on his behaviour and told him I knew who/what he was. Once the mask had fallen off he couldn’t bear to look at me so he ended it with a brutal character assassination about all my “issues”. At first I felt totally rejected and worthless but boy am I glad it happened! Even just a few weeks in I’m getting a sense of peace and relief I haven’t felt in ages. You’re amazing too! We all are ❤️

    • #133285
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      It’s mind boggling how similar they all are. Everything was always someone else’s fault, and towards the end it was always mine.

      Life would have been impossible with him, I was already becoming a shell of who I used to be. I still woke up this morning in a panic and he’s still always in my head, but anger is taking over now. What a lucky escape we’ve had to be free from these monsters!!

    • #133259
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks, yes it’s amazing that their patterns and behaviours are so similar. I feel exhausted today but kind of in a good way, it’s like I can finally allow myself to just relax and have some peace without the constant stress and drama!

    • #133236
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks for the confirmation! It’s amazing how they mess with your head and make you doubt everything. Even when we met there were red flags galore (though I didn’t know about the exes til much later or I’d have run a mile) but I got sucked in my his sadness I think. It’s like I was hypnotised at times. If it was my daughter or a friend I’d have been screaming get out for months, and the voice inside me said the same but I just kept blocking it out.

      A bit of space and clarity has really helped, just got to get on with healing now but I know it’ll be a long process.

    • #133235
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      I know, I’ve ended up having quite a nice day, just listening to music, cooking and pottering around. It made me remember what the average weekend was like, and there was no sense of calm whatsoever!

      My therapist has come through Women’s Aid and she seems great, so I’m hopeful so far.

    • #133218
      Feelinglikeafool
      Participant

      Thanks KIP, you’re always full of words of wisdom!

      I’ve ordered Why Does He Do That and will learn more about FOG. Started counselling too, so really looking forward to finding myself again but know it will be a long road.

      You’re right, he will definitely be convincing himself and others it’s all me, and there’s been a big bit of me that’s believed it too. The list goes on, but you get the gist. I blocked his number a while ago and don’t ever want to see him again, just still imagine him sitting there alone in his bedroom feeling sorry for himself! Crazy innit

Viewing 15 reply threads

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