Hummingbird3

[Hummingbird3]

Thank you for your reply nbumblebee. Unfortunately preparing for court has taken me away from general life! Hence the late reply.
I’m really sorry that you have (and by the sounds of it continue) to go through this. Its so horrible to think that we are conditioned in a society to think that its ok to ignore someones wishes and pleas to stop, and that its just something that happens in some relationships (and outside of them too!)
Thank you. Keep safe xxxx

[Hummingbird3]

I think the most useful piece of advice I’ve found is put your friend, daughter, sister or mother in your position. If they were to tell you all the things that you had endured, would you down play it? Would it be acceptable for them to live with it? 99.9% of the time its a hard no, but I totally understand (and have live it myself) where I feel that i’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.
The thing that I always have to remind myself is that abusers aren’t always abusive, because if they were, and it happened from the start, you probably wouldn’t have ever entered into the relationship! This in itself is really difficult to comprehend as you love the wonderful side and know that they can be charming and loving, its just unfortunate they use this as a tool.
Sending you love. Know your worth and how truly incredible you are and know you don’t deserve anything less than amazing. xx

[Hummingbird3]

Hi Pris, thank you for your reply. I think now things are settling down its starting to hit me the enormity of whats happened, but I’m so thankful that I have my baby as they changed my life. I don’t see the assault or their father in them, so thats a blessing.
I really do appreciate your reply and I will have a listen to that podcast!x

[Hummingbird3]

I’m really sorry you are going through this. Its hard when you really want them to have changed, but please don’t ignore the red flags. Trust in your instincts and intuition. I find with myself that deep down I know the answer, but I don’t want that answer because it hurts. Please look after yourself and know you are worth more. x

[Hummingbird3]

Hi Little-miss-sunshine

I can really empathise here, because when it all kicked off with my ex, I had the exact same feelings. It wasn’t until no contact was forced through his bail conditions for physically assaulting my family that I started to realise the abuse. I still don’t “believe” it (I do, but can’t believe how he’s gotten away with it for so long undetected).

Space will be hard with all the hoovering and love bombing tactics. But just try and take the time to yourself to breathe.

Sending love x

[Hummingbird3]

Hi Lillte-miss-sunshine.

Thank you. It has been horrendous if I sit and think about it for too long. I suppose I have always been one of those people who bury a lot to get on with it and not crumble, but theres only so much of this I can do.
Thats very true. I need to celebrate that I’m taking back control of my life, and that I will not be dictated to anymore.
I think the thing I need to work on is building back trust in myself and my instincts, because sometimes he’s able to say things that have me questioning if he really is as bad as I think, but I just keep thinking if I just let him have unsupervised contact with the children, SS won’t be happy.

Thank you for your comment, it really does help and is very much appreciated xx

[Hummingbird3]

Hi Watersprite, it really is.
I’m lucky that although family don’t live close, they are as supportive as they can be with the distance.
I have really good support network, and also I have a IDVA. SW aren’t involved as they feel that I am safeguarding my children appropriately with no contact.
I think the hardest thing is the constant gaslighting. Even with all the evidence, the escalation of services involved, he still attempts to say that I’m a liar, that I am doing this all maliciously. Although I know that I haven’t lied, and that there was/is a lot of psychological, financial, emotional and even sexual abuse, its so hard to come to terms with, because he’s the most charming, charismatic person, and its hard to think that my husband, before he had some sort of mental health breakdown which kicked this off, was abusive (although I know deep down he was).
Thank you for your reply.
Its not nice knowing anyone else is experiencing this sort of hell, but its comforting to know I’m not on my own!
x

[Hummingbird3]

Thank you for this.

I am constantly asking this question, followed with “but he never hit me”. I’m quiet fresh out of the relationship, and I am constantly being told by my ex that its me thats the abusive one, because I would get angry and shout (which I see as not right, but as a retaliation to his not listening, his silence and gaslighting).
So thank you. It really resonates with me.

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