LookToTheLight

[LookToTheLight]

My husband told me a totally different story to what actually occurred with his ex; she never spoke to me about him as the didn’t get on, if she had said something I would have listened as his abuse started within (detail removed by moderator) of putting a ring on my finger & I found out she had dealt with similar instances. Some may say things to spite you & his new relationship but it’s always good to keep an open mind. x

[LookToTheLight]

Xx

[LookToTheLight]

Sorry Dr Jess Taylor 🤷

[LookToTheLight]

Have you heard of Dr Hess Taylor & Victim Focus? She has wrote books on these subjects & fights to help make our voices heard. She uses social media platforms & also has a team who work to help people like you & me xx

[LookToTheLight]

I left in (detail removed by Moderator), even after his death I did not suffer the trauma brought on this year from dealing with his abuse. The strangest & smallest things can trigger those feelings & you remember things you would rather keep boxed & hidden but that’s ok it is normal because we have survived the worst that he can do now we have to find ourselves again & I am finding that it has helped me face my future with less trepidation in dealing with men in general; counselling has been a great help as I am not judged & can say what I feel without recrimination or fear. I know now that I will always carry that trauma with me & it may appear at times but I feel more confident in the future that I can build for me. Keep strong sweetie You can do this & You are a survivor xx

[LookToTheLight]

So sorry to hear that you have been left like this, having to deal with these issues alone.
Keep the counselling going though because it will continue to allow you to open up & deal with the issues.
Coercive control eats at our physical & emotional well-being. We come to rely on them & so miss them when they are no longer there but you will regain your sense of self worth & there will always be someone here to talk too especially when you feel low xx

[LookToTheLight]

It is the most scary decision to leave when you have been controlled & are so reliant on him, especially when a child is involved because they will always use that.
But now you need to concentrate on you, most of the help & advice you can access can be done discreetly, my husband had a vicious temper & I was always scared of that it took me 6 months of planning to get away, I had one good friend close by who helped. The main thing is to concentrate on is you & feeling safe & secure, yes it is scary & you will still question your own actions but You deserve better, You deserve to be happy & You are worth more than you have been programmed to think.
I wish you well & hope that with support you find the strength to chose your own path & find yourself again 💚💚

[LookToTheLight]

Even when we are no longer with them we are controlled to think in a certain way, we not only have to break free of the physical but of the emotional side, I have only now come to realise that I was manipulated from our first meeting, I wasn’t vulnerable then I was happy. Now that I am having counselling & importantly am able to reach out to other women on here I realise that it is a long road to totally free yourself from the restraints that we too place upon ourselves in dealing with an abusive spouse etc.
I miss the man I thought I had entered into a relationship with but am also beginning to realise that he never really existed, he was a tool designed to draw me in.x

[LookToTheLight]

💚💚

[LookToTheLight]

As well as being coercive he sounds like a narcissist, you will always be to blame & will question yourself while with this man- You deserve better & I would hope that you find the strength to leave this ‘relationship’. The women & moderators on here can always point you towards people & associations who can help you with this.
xx

[LookToTheLight]

@wantstohelp @iliketea: first I think that quote is a powerful reminder that we have to take back control of how we feel, deal with our situations & find ourselves again. But while forgiveness is something that we in some way or another need to access- not for their sake but for our own it is hard to do so when their final act is to carry out the threat to end their life, blaming you & in doing so regaining control. This is what I have been dealing with for the past (detail removed by moderator), I can’t confront him with the facts I know know to be true in that he did abuse me, this creates a limbo affect as you also now deal with guilt because of his actions. I am not so much looking to forgive him or others who perpetuate his reasons for this action as I feel that I have to place my efforts in helping Me to deal with & move on from the trauma I suffer because of him.
Some people will find it easier to forgive when they reach a point in their recovery; others may never be able to forgive what has been done to them. But whatever way we choose to move forward from this must be our own choice & not what is expected from us.
Everyone has a different story to tell but we are all alike & share a bond.

[LookToTheLight]

Hi x. I can relate to this, all those things you hide away in your head eventually find a way to break out of those boxes. I am finally having to face & deal with the trauma caused by the abuse I dealt with as well as the aftermath of his death. I am half way through my counselling(via work) & find that certain incidents come back at me like a speeding train which is both scary & sad; reliving the bad memories is exhausting & I feel sad because I lost myself with that relationship. Opening up about abuse is the hardest thing I have ever faced & while I can’t change what happened I do want to find Me again. I took the step this week of telling my parents & my daughter that my marriage was abusive while I didn’t go into detail because I am still trying to process & deal with it myself. Being made aware of this Forum has for me been a blessing because while the outside world may never know what I dealt with I do know that here I am not alone & that while we do not know each other we all share a bond which gives me added strength to look to a better future. I send my best to you & remember…Here you are not alone xx

[LookToTheLight]

Wants To Help. Thank you for your advice & support; it validates what my counsellor & best friend say. I know I have to retrain my mind to putting me first & relearn my worth. I know this was his choice, even though his reasons were vindictive to me; my heart still feels pain & loss as crazy as that sounds; I miss the fact he is no longer here. Having the chance to connect with others who have dealt with abuse & give advice is well it helps me to see that I can get through this & yes however long this road is I am now travelling on I intend to make it to that light. Thank you x

[LookToTheLight]

Thank you both for your help & advice, I will definitely look into your suggestions. I have had 3 sessions with 3 more to go & am only scratching the surface of what I have been carrying but will carry on taking it step by step x

[LookToTheLight]

Good morning Kip, thank you for your reply.
I will look up that book you mentioned; I know I need to train my brain to accept what happened & to see he was to blame, now I have started opening up I am realising that I like all the other survivors here have a long road to travel. This small town with its self righteous people who will never see or hear my story will never be a part of my life again; but it doesn’t make my journey any easier: even writing that makes me cringe at how self pitying it sounds but I don’t look at it that way- it is just fact & my reality but you are so right about them, although they will never see that their words or deeds are wrong. Apart from a handful of close friends here I vowed that I will never interact with the others again.

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