lost and lonely

[lost and lonely]

I finally gathered the courage to leave my abuser and put the house we shared on the market… He did everything in his power to scupper this… The house was sold… but he refused to cooperate with the estate agents… to the point where they agents called me to advise they couldn’t market the property anymore as he wouldn’t comply with the sale of the property… In the end he had to buy me out as I sought legal advice… Whilst it was costly to me it was the best thing I ever did… I had to involve the law but in the end it paid off… I know have a mortgage on my own place… a new partner and a house filled with love… I never thought I’d get to this point as he always told me I couldn’t function without him… But I did… and I still am… Please find this strength within yourselves… we are all worth so much more and all deserve happiness… I am so glad to be out the other side with a partner who has shown me what true love really is… Please keep fighting… I did for over a decade and a half and it led me to where I am today… At peace, in love, safe and extremely happy… I didn’t know my worth for years and now I finally do… He is still him and always will be (they never change…) but we do… we learn. We live. We survive. I’ve done it and so can you… Happiness is out there and we all deserve it… xxx

[lost and lonely]

Hi Lightness, Confused123 and Serenity. Thanks so much for your replies. The list is a great idea, thank you! I’ll sit and do that tonight. I was doing so well and then I received contact from him saying he had (potentially) a serious health worry and it’s just thrown me I guess! The kind natured people that we are makes me upset to think of him alone but I also know I have to think about me too and how his behaviour was damaging my health. I’ll also take a look at Trauma Bonding too! Thanks again for all your help! x

[lost and lonely]

Hi Confused123,

Thanks for your advice! No, we don’t have children (thankfully) so I have no real reason to have contact with him (other than I worry that by ignoring him he’ll get angry!) but there again, there’s the control again that you mention! I can see it clear as day and I know it’/ms wrong but I just feel powerless and unable to rationalise when it comes to him! We’ve been together a very long time since early teens, so he’s all I have ever known. I know it’s not right and he tries to make out it’s all in my head but I have to tell myself I have normal, functioning relationships with colleagues, friends and family so I can’t be all bad! i know for now, I have to be strong and one day, all this pain and guilt will ease! Thank you Confused123 x

[lost and lonely]

Hi Lover of no contact. Thanks for taking the time to give me advice. I’ve just read the blog and you’re right, it’s helped. At some point in the relationship, I’ve found myself thinking along the lines of each and every one of those pointers.

I will keep posting because as I have said to Healthyarchive, I’ve never been able to admit to anyone what I have been through over the years with him. I suppose I was protecting him in a way. I’m ashamed I guess and have asked myself many times over the years if ‘i’m weak for not leaving’ or ‘strong for staying’ and not giving up. It’s never a question I’ve found the answer to… Thanks again though and I’ll definitely keep referring to the blog in times of need! X

[lost and lonely]

Hi Healthyarchive. Thank you for taking the time to give me advise. We’d been together a very long time, half of my current life in fact and so I’ve never really known anything else. I mean, it hasn’t always been so bad as it is now, but he has always had a temper. I’ve never told anyone what I have suffered over the years except his parents. I guess I didn’t want anyone thinking bad of him. Judging him ( I can see how warped this all sounds) but I just felt that with his parents, I could let it all out without there being serious consequences that I wouldn’t be able to handle. His mother confided in me that his father had been very much the same. At the Time, it kind of made sense to me that he was the way he is because of the environment he was obviously brought up in. Maybe I used that as a way of excusing his behaviour. I do believe like you say, he will be that way for life. I’ll use your advice and stratergies and ask myself when feeling guilty if he cared for all those times he made me cry, plead with him to stop and I know the answer will always be no! Thank you Healthyarchive. x

[lost and lonely]

Hi

I’m new to the forum.

I’ve been in a mentally, verbally and physically abusive relationship for many years now. But now the abuse is now getting so bad. There’s not even apologies anymore and of course, it’s always my fault. The smallest things cause the
biggest eruptions and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m constantly walking on eggshells, just waiting for that next awful fight. I just don’t know how to break free. I have no children yet he still seems to be able to keep pulling me back in. He also threatens to harm my parents which I think is another way of holding me back. A typical episode will be brought on by me
A) making a mistake
B) not being back on time
C) saying something he doesn’t agree with
It always starts with a blazing, torrent of abuse and then he gets physical. His favourite thing to do is grab me by the hair, and force me to double up on myself to the point where I can no longer breath. Then come the fist punches to the face and head and slaps too. Occasionally the odd kick too. God help me if I try to defend myself. Even holding my hands up for protection makes him mad and he yells do not touch me. The irony… He calls me crazy and stupid. He doesn’t see that I’m not stupid. He doesn’t see the only reason I’m stuttering and not answering him is because I don’t know what’s right from wrong anymore, I just don’t know what he expects me to say.

I know I have to leave him. I just don’t know how.

[lost and lonely]

I left my abuser (removed by moderator) years ago and it took us over a year to agree on the sale of the property… the house sold but he refused to comply with the agents which resulted in them calling me to advise they were pulling the house from the market as it wasn’t fair on the buyers who were investing money into the purchase of the house. One thing my solicitor did advise me throughly this process was that as a joint owner on the mortgage and not living there he was entitled to pay me RENT as I was joint owner, yet not living there – this is well worth looking in to! My ex often used the term ‘abandonment’ which meant I was entitled to nothing as I’d walked away from him but my solicitor informed me as a joint owner I could walk away for three or more years and this would not alter my rights, again, it was just a control factor… In the end, I got there. I got what I was entitled to. He changed the locks whilst still having my possessions and name on the mortgage. I called the police who were more than happy to assist to keep the peace. The second I mentioned this to my ex he complied… I got my possessions back and my share of the property… I know have my own mortgage. A kind, loving partner. There is light at the end of the tunnel. As dark as these days seem now, it will all come good… I’m happier than ever and him, well… he’s just still him… If I have the strength to do this, then so do you… And, you won’t regret it… Stay strong and fight for what you deserve. I did and I couldn’t be happier xxx

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