mojo

[mojo]

Hi Raindays

I had the same problem with him working from home 24/7 so it was a nightmare trying to do anything that might not make him suspicious. I could hear him on the phone across the house, so I knew anything I said on the phone he would also likely be able to hear – it can be very, very difficult…which is all part of the controlling behaviour isn’t it and often missed by other agencies. I only managed to line up call from the WA helpline by leaving a message for them to call me at a specific time when he was, unusually, going to be out of the house and had told me 24 hours before hand (often he would only tell me at 11pm the night before that he was away the next day or something). It was very hard to do logistically but I did eventually manage it. The thing is they notice things and have this way of letting you know that they have noticed your pattern has changed. I tried making slow and incremental changes to my routines to build in a bit of time away ‘having coffee with a friend’ now and then but even play dates with my child became problematic…they scent something has shifted so are alert to even small changes so be careful. You will need to work around him, although I hate to say it, and take an opportunity as it arises. You may have to wait to pick your time…during this phase I found myself humming the theme tune to ‘The Great Escape’! It weirdly kept me focussed and sane in the face of the utterly insane behaviour he would enact. I think the quiet humming was part of my rebellion, a reminder from the determined survivor me to the frightened me that he had not broken my spirit and that I was working on plan. It kept me grounded and whatever I was doing that day I would later do a reccy on whether I had evaded ‘discovery’, how far I had ‘dug’ etc. Later I started to use the Lord of the Rings as a way of making sense of my ‘journey’…you know, whatever it takes to stay present and ready to act during this time of waiting is just what you need to do to keep on going. The thing is they don’t credit us with mental stamina, imagination, coping mechanisms or the sheer will to quietly defy them, so do what you need to in your own time to stay grounded and prepare.

He is trying to gaslight you at the moment by pretending nothing is wrong isn’t he? If he continues to pester you sexually when you have said no you will need to be prepared for him to continue pushing your boundaries. Keep a diary. At the moment he is harassing you sexually by the sound of it and that is a worrying sign. Touching you when you have said not to is technically assault although you would be hard pushed to prove it and he knows that. You may not be afraid of him but you need to be aware that they are masters of abuse and will minimise and normalise their behaviour and demands at great cost to you down the line.

I know only too well that trapped feeling and the Mr Nice Guy for the benefit of other people. The utter feeling of imprisonment. Choose your time and make the call (is it to the Refuge helpline now?) when you feel it’s safe. It took me a long time to find a safe time. You will get there but I know how tough it can be. The fact that you now know that you are planning on making the call at some point and selecting a timing that flies beneath his radar will empower you. You are already digging your way out and there are more of us on the other side of the wire who made it, just as you will. Keep digging. x

[mojo]

Yes, (detail removed by moderator). Get a family lawyer/specialist in DA to help you. There is an organisation called FLOWS that can help with free legal advice and statements etc if finances are an issue and the NCDV can help you get emergency protection too.

(detail removed by moderator)

They may agree to pay things like x school fees as part of the undertaking among other things although the court itself does not deal with financial matters in any detail as that is not it’s role. Also be aware that when you go to court that the hour or so before your hearing is when his legal advisor and yours will talk thorough possible options or argue about them as the case may be. Be prepared to think on your feet and be clear about what you are agreeing to and don’t be pressured by time passing. It takes as long as it takes. He may, (detail removed by moderator) put an offer on the table to try and get out of it going to a hearing and the finding going against him. (detail removed by moderator).

If you don’t have children you might prefer to push for an order even if he contests it just so that there is a legal mark in the sand that you applied and went to a hearing? If you then need to reapply you will then know what weight your evidence had and what your new evidence can do to support a new application perhaps?

(detail removed by moderator).

In terms of children, the non mol is really helpful with Cafcass when they come to assess whether DA has happened and the impact on children, as even if you were unsuccessful as CC is harder to prove, it shows you were concerned enough to try to seek protection ie it shows you were afraid for your safety and that of any children and proactively sought legal protection. It therefore carries weight in any children’s proceedings and Cafcass (detail removed by moderator) take note of it.

I guess if you do not have children, and sought another non mol at a later date, the fact that you applied previously could add to the weight of evidence at that time too?

Hope there are some things there that are useful. It’s not as daunting as it might appear and you can ask for special measures – (detail removed by moderator) So arrive extra early so you can make sure you are there before him to get a room organised with the court usher. You can also ask to leave the court first or last afterwards so you don’t see him. Good luck and stay strong.

[mojo]

Hello Bruisedbutbrave

I have an issue with legal costs going forwards. Like you I would lose what little I have. I would have to use what little money I have in my house and a small ISA as I don’t qualify for legal aid. This would leave me in an area with few jobs trying to raise a child with no security and possibly legal bills to repay. Not a good prospect.

I Spoke to my Relate counsellor a couple of days ago about this and was given details for a new scheme called FLOWS. It is aimed as those of us who can’t get legal aid.

Email Flows@rcjadvice.org.uk

They may be able to help. I’ve made contact but yet to brief them to see what they can advise or do for me.

I really hope they can help you.

[mojo]

Hello Funmum

It’s good to hear from you.

I read your post and it put me in mind of some aspects of the abusive relationship I am in. Firstly to say that I have had Women’s Aid, Relate and the police all confirm that my partner is abusive even though he has not physically assaulted me and has never threatened to do so.

But your comment about the dryer reminded me of my perp who has control of the house heating as it’s digital – he keeps ‘forgetting’ to give me the log in details or has forgotten them when I ask or is just too darn busy. Even though he has control of the heating on the cloud he also goes around the house turning down the thermostats so even when it is on it’s not warm enough for me. He did the same when we had normal radiator heating. He works from home in a cosy little office but I constantly battle to stay warm with him wandering around turning the heating down. This is an example of controlling behaviour and mirrors your dryer example. In your case he wants to make more work for you as well as show you who is top dog.

On its own this might not be viewed by some people as anything more sinister than being bloody annoying but if you then add in the other behaviours you mentioned then it does become a whole lot more worrying.

Your partner has assaulted you on two occasions – the police would take an interest in this I suspect. He has also threatened to kill you – they would definitely take an interest in that too. Like many abusers he is controlling your money and access to funds and making you ask for money – mine does that – this is economic abuse and the police are currently looking into that for me. Your partner is also dumping all of the childcare onto you – this is exploitation and designed to let you know who is top dog as he is clearly see’s himself as too important to help out even though they are equally his responsibility. Your partner like mine is creating inequality so he can exploit you and keep you under the thumb and keep deriving the benefits only he can enjoy, like time and money to have a drink, no responsibility for children, feeling really important etc.

So yes you are right he IS abusive. I am very worried that he has already assaulted you and threatened you – these are real red flags in terms of risk. I think you need to call Women’s Aid and ask for help if you are able. I know that probably sounds daunting but you have already taken the first step and I applaud you for having the courage to do that.

It took me ages to call the Women’s Aid national helpline but I am really glad I did as they were so helpful and affirming. I now know that I can call them again as and when I need to and I have a caller id so they know my story without having to repeat it each time. I also have copies of emails I sent to them before I was able to call – this is helpful in documenting things even if they can’t give you as much advice.

You could also call the police on 101 and ask specifically to speak with a domestic abuse officer. I know that will also sound really, really scary – the thought of having he police involved really worried the heck out of me and I had not intended to get them involved as I didn’t think I was ready. I was really worried about them crashing in like the Sweeney and questioning him then leaving me to pick up the pieces. But they have not been like that at all, really softly, softly in approach and quietly gathering evidence. I have been lucky with the police I am working with – I know not everyone is – but I am actually really glad they are now in the picture. Going forwards I know it will be really helpful to have all of the evidence documented with them. I am also about to go to my GP – another thing have balked at doing but again I need to document how I am feeling after years of dealing with this and for the GP to make an assessment to go on my file.

So basically I have not been assaulted or verbally threatened but the police were keen to get involved and have said that he is very abusive. They are looking at the Coercive Control Law so you may want to look that up.

Do you feel scared? Since December 2015 have there been two or more occasions that you have feared for your safety? Is there a pattern of ongoing behaviour that has resulted in you changing your behaviour ie not seeing friends, unable to speak freely because you worry you might ‘set him off’, unable to use the car or leave the home some or all of the tim, rules that only apply to you and not him or rules that he changes at whim…things like that? These are all sign of abuse too.

Start keeping a diary not just of frightening incidents but also examples of controlling behaviour like the dryer, having to ask for money etc. Don’t forget to put times, dates and places on the entries. If you have copies of bank statements showing his income and expenditure compared to yours copy/photo these and any other financial stuff you can get hold of.

I suspect from what you’ve said that there could be even more examples? It can be really hard to see the wood for the tree’s and that’s part of the abusers method – to keep you guessing and wondering. I really would try and read some Lundy Bancroft – you can get the books on Amazon – I knew quite a bit having read a lot around what abuse was but it wasn’t until I read Bancroft that I knew exactly what I was dealing with.

So juts to summarise you ARE dealing with an abuser and you’ve done really brilliantly to post.

[mojo]

Hello Getusout, I have literally just posted a bit on this thread under ‘where can I live’ mentioning that I have just spoken to the police and done a video statement.

Picking up on what Fizzylem says I was lucky to talk to the DA officers although the person who will be handling my case ongoing is not a DA PC – I just think I got lucky with her as she could easily have just told me that no crime had been committed as far as she could see and sent me on my way (as she readily admitted she has not used CC law and has little knowledge of it). Luckily she talked to me at length, immediately said the behaviour I have been subjected to was unacceptable and then her senior officer suggested she refer me to the DA police to do a video statement.

So, are now undertaking an investigation for coercive control. I didn’t intend to get the police involved and do a statement as I thought they might just say it was relatively trivial. However my referral to them came after the relate counsellor I saw asked them to flag my address for domestic abuse. I didn’t self refer. So maybe going to relate to talk to someone and asking if they can enquire about a marker on your address is a good start? I had no idea Relate could do this.

The police then contacted me to ask me more about it. I initially then spoke to a local PC who happened to be female – she too didn’t understand the coercive control law as she has never used it before but her senior officer suggested she refer me to the local CID domestic abuse police to do the video statement. (detail removed by moderator) and although they themselves had not used the CC law either (emerging theme here) they said that it was clear that he was very abusive and that his behaviour was unacceptable and just not normal. They suggested that as the CC law is ‘new’ that it is hard to get a conviction because the CPS will not support it…they were keen to manage my expectations on this. They really felt it would probably not get past the CPS because he had not hit me…which rather makes a mockery of the CC law and makes you wonder why we have it if this is the case.

Nonetheless the statement and all of the other evidence in my case including a diary of incidents with dates, times and places (v important you note these), a copy of an email from one of his relatives that witnessed him losing it with our child, names of friends who can comment, financial history (requested from my bank for my sole and joint account details but they can’t get his sole account details sadly), GP history, school history for child and social worker input (they have been involved when he was reported by me over concerns via health visitor) is going to a more senior police officer to be assessed to see if they think the CPS will agree to take it on. Unfortunately I do not have any texts or emails from him as he is too clever for that but you might have – keep them – upload them to the cloud. If you have any pictures of damage he’s done keep them too.

I have also been told that I must now contact the police wither on 999 or 101 to report him for incidents going forwards as this builds your evidence.

I am also going to try and get a secret audio recording of him next time he goes off if I can do so safely…this could be tomorrow, next month or next year as he is on his ‘honey moon ‘ phase since the last incident the that galvanised me. But this would give an idea about how utterly frightening and threatening the behaviour is.

I do now have two incidents that conform to the what the CC law says you need to get them to look at CC. The Rights of Women web pages say:

‘Your abuser will be guilty of the offence of coercive control if
he is personally connected to you, and
his behaviour has had a serious effect on you, and
your abuser knew or ought to have known that his behaviour would have a serious effect on you.’

The actual law states:

‘If it causes fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against them or
If it causes serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on their day-to-day activities’

So these are the things you will need to be aware of and highlight as it seems to me that he police may not be aware of these in any detail. I talked about being frightened of the prospect of being attacked. I also talked about having to change my behaviour; so having to change how I speak (tone of voice, words I use, phrases, timing of what I say, emphasis of what I say etc) and behave to try and ‘manage’ things so as to not ‘upset’ him – that in fact I have to do a mental risk assessment every time I open my mouth to speak to him (or if I talk to someone else and he is listening) or do something (visit a friend for example).

Please read ‘Why odes he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft – if you have a password protected Kindle you can hide it on there. I got a paper copy, thought I would underline the odd paragraph…ended up with more underlined that not in many chapters. It really helps you understand what they are doing and why and therefore helps you articulate what has happened to you and the impact it is having.

Working with the police has so far left me feeling that whilst they did totally agree that he is abusive and stated that they absolutely believed me, that they don’t fundamentally get it. They kept focussing on incidents and I kept talking about ‘ongoing patterns of behaviour’ in my statement as well as the two incidents that that the CC law requires. They did emphasise the inequality in the relationship so they did get that. Abusers rely upon or create inequality to exploit and dominate so emphasising this is helpful as it is at the core of abuse.

I will keep posting as things develop with the police. At the moment I am just hoping that the more senior officer has more training and insight on the CC law. The whole point is that it should not get to them hitting you to get a conviction! Also keep an eye open for progress on the new Domestic Abuse bill – it’s only at draft stage but I am watching it progress as it could also be helpful going forwards once it becomes law (assuming it gets there after the outgoing PM leaves).

On another note the DA police said that now I have a statement I can keep adding evidence to it so call 999 or if its something lower level 101 speak to one of them and get it added as more evidence.

I have to say my experience makes me wish I had managed to get to the police sooner, although I have been lucky with who I have been interviewed by. But the weight of their evidence in the family court will likely be very helpful going forward even if they do not get a criminal conviction. They totally agree he is very abusive even if they do decide he has not met the criteria for a criminal prosecution and therefore don’t send it on to the CPS (who could also decide there is no reasonable prospect of a prosecution).

But as one of the PC’s said to me there is abusive behaviour and there is criminally abusive behaviour – both are abuse but only one gets a criminal conviction. Please bear in mind that the family court uses a lower level test of ‘the balance of probabilities’ this makes it easier for them to act to protect the vulnerable whereas the criminal court that the police take cases to uses ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ this requires a higher burden of evidence so it’s harder to get to a conviction. We may therefore both find that the family court is more helpful although you will still really benefit from having a police statement and other evidence lodged with them so I would advise going to them, perhaps trying the relate route that I inadvertently stumbled on?

If anything else comes to mind I’ll post along with new developments.

Stay strong x

[mojo]

A belated thank you all for your input (getting ready for police interview and writing a job application so progress of sorts). I will try and find a safe time to call one of those organisations that Lisa mentioned to see if they can provide more insight into Prohibitive Steps Orders.

Fizzylem – it does sound like you and I are looking down a similar road. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience. It must be really tough to have gone though all of that and to still be stuck in limbo. I am really hoping that your solicitor can provide you with the support you need. By bravely sharing your experience here it has clarified for me that I need to use my brain on this otherwise it won’t just be me that he punishes – our child will inevitably be used by him to exact revenge. I will go to a solicitor and leave here the moment the police alert him that they are looking into things and at that point I will begin the legal process but it needs to be the right thing at the right time as you have found. I am so sorry to hear that your health has been so badly undermined by all of this and I can only hope that with a solicitor fighting your corner that things might improve on that front.
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Going back to Prohibitive Steps that I originally posted about, unfortunately my understanding is that even if I leave and get my child into a new school in another area the court will just send me back here once he has applied for a Prohibitive Steps Order. The lawyer I spoke to said that the courts would take a very dim view of my simply running off and removing my child from the school even though I am acting to protect my child…go figure! Mind you that was before I had more of a case for possible CC so I am not sure if that could be used by me in mitigation.

We all come to this place along slightly different routes. Whilst these men share a broad methodology they have many different ‘end game’ scenarios ready to deploy when we leave. Some will become highly aggressive stalkers, some will unleash huge and destructive financial resources, others will become extremely physically violent, perhaps even psychotic and many more have their own special mix of passive aggression or a very particular mix of the above. We all know the statistics and the terrible risk attached to leaving an abuser. Each of us has therefore to address the level of risk we and our dependents face given what we already know, or think we know, about our abusive partners and husbands.
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In my case I am dealing with a high net worth man. He has told me he will use the law and can afford to keep this going indefinitely. Despite the resources at his disposal he has kept me living at subsistence level. I have lost huge earnings from what was a very good career through relying upon his promises and what he led me to believe. All of my savings have long since gone while his have just grown. Everything I had I spent on ensuring our child’s needs were met. When my savings inevitably ran out he resented that it was then down to him and seems to blame me when our child needs clothes etc (recently leading to yet another of his rages). If he were on a zero hours contract and struggling I could perhaps understand but that is not the case at all. As I mentioned there are no jobs for me here out in a rural area, I’ve bene looking for a long time and applied for everything that sounds remotely like it might fit my CV. In the past he has been very unsupportive to say the least – ranging from refusing to discuss logistics of my working to negatively commenting on roles I have applied for to screaming at me and shunning me for not checking with him that it was ‘Ok’ to apply for one role. Now though he has changed tack and says he wants me to find a job as that would ‘help him’!

My life is very different to how it was before I met him – I shop at cheap online stores and ebay for anything I need but rarely buy new clothes for myself until they fall apart. This was not how I had to live before I met him when I had a well paid job and my own house. I wasn’t rich but I didn’t worry about money, now I worry about it all of the time. I even have to ask him for money to buy clothes for our child – in the recent past this has resulted in him shutting himself in his study and an expletive filled rage that my child and I could hear all over the house complete with crashing and smashing of items being hit or thrown. He on the other hand will quite happily spend a hundred pounds on a shirt!

Linked to this, in the past he has made it very clear that he will run me into the ground financially through the law and won’t just let me ‘take’ our child ‘away’ from him. He will fight me all of the way. I do not doubt this as it fits his M.O. It won’t matter how reasonable I am about access or anything else. He knows of course that this would not be an equal fight, he’s counting on it and he will exploit that.

But this behaviour is not really about the money is it? That’s just a tool of control. However, it is clear to me that just trying to run from this man is not the answer. I don’t have the financial resources to walk unprepared into a legal battle, where he has chosen the terms of engagement, and just hope for the best. I’ll be using what little money I have in a property I still own to fund my freedom fight (despite him trying countless times to get me to sell it and give him the money!). Once he’s got the lawyers to chew me up and spit me out there will be little money left let alone enough to buy so much as a card board box around here. So even with this money from my house he will know that he can essentially use a legal siege to run down my very limited resources. It’s what men like this do. I also suspect he will up his abusive game to another level.

When I previously looked at things I didn’t, at the time, qualify for any legal aid at all although that may have changed for various reasons. So it will be down to using the house money, my only bit of security to fight him it seems.

Given all of this I have come to the conclusion that the only way to stand a cats chance in hell of protecting my child and myself from the absolute narcissistic rage and hatred that will follow my leaving will be to have done my research and be ready for him. With this in mind I will leave when I am best placed to do this and when the timing is right, rather than flee, hide and hope for the best. I’d rather go on the offensive than simply wait for him to hunt me down like prey.

He doesn’t know it but is now the subject of a live police investigation and I am now waiting to see if the police feel there is enough to take to the CPS. The officers I have so far talked with and given evidence to have had no experience of using the Coercive Control law and seem to feel that, whilst he is indeed abusive and his behaviour unacceptable, it may well not meet the level required. Since I now have two significant incidents since the law came in and can show a pattern of controlling behaviours over a long time frame it is hard to know what else I need! However it will be assessed by a more senior officer before a decision is made so I will have to see how it goes. On the plus side they said that now it is in writing it is solid evidence and said I now need to keep adding to it via calling 999 if necessary or reporting him to the officers who handle my case on 101.
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It is though very clear to me that simply running and hiding will not stop a man like this nor will it ultimately protect us. He will just keep coming after me and he could I believe become more of a danger to my child and I in other, very unhinged, ways. He has clearly demonstrated extreme paranoia and delusional behaviour in the past that could make him very dangerous once we have left. Hence my need to understand more about what steps to take, and critically, when to take them. I now do at least have the added weight of a police report demonstrating that he is abusive. But I am aware that there have been many changes since I last looked into the legal side of things in terms of where I can realistically live so was hoping for some input from other women who may have been in a similar situation recently.​

I’ve already packed my emergency bags and documents in anticipation of him being questioned by the police at some point and my needing to get us out asap if we get to that. I do not rule out going into a Refuge. However, like FizzyLem it is my understanding that there is a huge shortfall of places available. There are other options open to me with friends or even my old house although he will look there first I’m sure…

Wherever I end up initially I will be immediately calling a solicitor and get them working with the police and on getting in place any orders that I need to protect us. However if they can be overturned by a prohibitive steps order that insists we move back near to him then it seems that he system is fixed to keep putting us back into clear and present danger! That just seems crazy to me. There must be a way to navigate around this and get the balance between my need to be able to support my child economically along with our right to be safe and his right to see his child?
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I am concerned though that the court system will see this expensively educated, well spoken business owner and believe he is innocent. He is good at playing the system, even if it is one he has not played before. In short he is a very, very credible liar with the trappings of respectability to back him up. Up against this I need to have everything I’ve got on him ready before this all kicks off and I need to understand where the legal mines are before I step out among them.

I terms of access I know he has rights but also understand that these are now not as favourable if there is a suspicion of abuse. I will try and go the supervised access route or if that fails look at getting drop off at a contact centre. I understand he has rights but that that changes to the guidance for judges recently should, in theory, mean that his abusive behaviour should be factored into how often and where contact takes place.

As for Social housing, thanks again for thinking of this FizzyLem, I suspect I won’t qualify because I will have a bit of cash from my house once it’s sold – assuming that there is any left after the lawyers have finished. There may be some legal things I can look at related to his property, the house I now live in with our child and that I helped him develop. I suspect the judge could also look at his assets and feel that he should provide for his child the kind of lifestyle to which they have become accustomed?

I do also need to go the GP and have an appointment. I have been struggling with feeling pretty low since the last incident and I suspect that this is not unrelated to years and years of trying to make things work somehow. I understand that the GP can also be helpful in terms of evidence although since he is not leaving any physical evidence it is again less than straight forward.

Apologies this is a very long email – I will try and keep it shorter next time. Again thanks to all I will try and check in from time to time with updates and any information I find out that might be useful for someone down the line.

[mojo]

Hello again Aqua, you don’t need to have been physically assaulted to report it to the police. The 2015 Coercive control law means you can report any incident where you have been frightened and feared for your wellbeing. You need two incidents for there to have been a pattern as a minimum- sound like you are at that point? The more reports the better – wish I had understood this sooner and involved the police earlier. The police here were really good at handling it sensitively. You can ask for a specialist DA officer as they will ‘get’ it.

Lots of my post were moderated that could be helpful especially around types of evidence you can put forward – please feel free to PM me. If anything I have experienced can help someone else it’s all to the good 🙂

[Author]

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