nbumblebee

[nbumblebee]

Some days this other man gets me to a point where I doubt all that I am trying to be. Im trying so hard to be stronger to set boundries with my husband to not fight back but to not allow the hurt anymore yet this friend if mine shoots me down each time i try by telling me that I enjoy being this way that I enjoy having something to moan about. Maybe he is right maybe i do but doesnt mean its right does it? Doesnt mean i dont need help? None of this is easy living with what we do living with abuse throughout my life the guilt the pain its not easy is it? Am I happy? No I dont think I am but I try to be I really do.

[nbumblebee]

Hey I felt I needed to reply. I sounded very similar to you 3 years ago when i first found this site. I didnt want to read the answers nor believe what people here were saying. I too have been married decades kids house the works. (timeframe removed by Moderator) i noticed things like you have said. Then it got worse much worse all of a sudden out of the blue. Ive been trying to hold on to my marriage since then. The past (timeframe removed by Moderator) its been fine but I cant forgive him and i cant forgive myself.

I have so many health conditions linked to stress im a shadow of who i once was. And im stuck here now. I didnt listen i didnt want to believe i didnt even trust my gut.

Something inside of you knows things are wrong or you wouldnt be here. Listen to that voice.

In answer to your question. Yes yes it can.

Much love xxxxx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Yeah maybe I am I just doubt everything and I wish i didnt.

I over think over worry over complane and i dont wanna be this person but yet I dont know how to stop xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey sweetie, firstly sorry to hear about your accident I do hope you are healing now.

You know as well as many of us that if we had maybe trusted our guts that very quiet low voice inside us telling us something wasnt right that we wouldnt have stayed so long. Its that voice that fear that we need to listen too. Read your post as if Id have written it what would you say to me? We cant see it from the inside but when taken away when we look from a different view we see more clearly our way through.

Yes maybe there is an element of fear due to what you went through yes maybe some days you see things that arent there but that gut feeling that doubt that speck of fear that should be listened too.

You deserve happiness love respect and joy no more fear or doubt sweetie you deserve better than that xxxx

[nbumblebee]

So I went and he totally ignored me went around talking to everyone else but nit a word to me. I feel pants I really do and I am finding it really hard to not message him ask if we are ok i hate bad feeling but i have to keep reminding myself that he did this not me but its so so hard to not want/need him to be ok with me.

[nbumblebee]

Yes this is it. Its been good fot months now and i thought maybe it was me. Ive done some terrible things because of the way my husband is yes but its no excuse i feel like now i do deserve this that this is my lot my life this is what i deserve. (timeframe removed by Moderator) more nasty comments are cfeeping in as i go back to work and he hasnt any work. This is going to cause some  big issues I fear.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you better days it really was a small thing but I saw such hate in his eyes he then very quickly wrnt back to mr nice guy but I saw it again and it really scared me. X

[nbumblebee]

Hey CB as always we go through the same things. I too feel i dont belong here mine too has been so nice over the xmas period. But like me are you waiting? Do you still have that horrible feeling deep inside that fear that actually yep he could turn at any point?

This this is how we know that yes whilst things may be good now they once were so so very bad and can be again. CB we both know by now that these men wont change we can change we can get stronger be stronger but they cant and dont.

Rest now whilst its calm enjoy it even my goodness you deserve a break. Just be aware sweetie dont doubt dont stop looking or believing. Much love xx

[nbumblebee]

Even friends who saw his behaviour are like “ahh hes trying so hard, its up to you now” up to me to forgive and forget. But how? How can you forgive the pain the threats the fear? I live it every day even now hes “over it” as he says. I just feel like I should pull myself together stop dreaming of better and just take this life my life for what it is after all isnt this what I deserve?

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much.

I just feel like the problem is all mine now. He seems ok its my problem me whos causing all the pain. Xxx

[nbumblebee]

2 weeks off work i dread it.

Keep going better days you got this xxxx

[nbumblebee]

Hey HFH what an amazing post to read. Gosh you are incredible.

I am so so glad you are doing well I often think of those who were here when I first came here. To read about how others have been able to leave and to start to heal helps us all im sure. I remember you well and thank you for all the support you gave me.

Nothing has changed really here for me but I think maybe im changing I do feel little by little i am gaining strength. Its still 2 steps foward and 3 back here but reading posts likes yours brightens my day. Sending you big hugs xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey CB. So apart from my anxiety and ling term health condition (detail removed by moderator) Everything I suffer from health wise is due to anxiety a huge bhild up of stress and exhaustion. And i like you an of the peri menopause so added that in plus living as we do plus livjng with a crappy past is it any wonder we feel batshit crazy at times? I mean gosh just sit and think about what we have been through how we feel day 2 day is it any wonder? So yes we are hormonal yes we are stressed yes we are hurt but YES this is down to them not us they did this they do this we we need to find a way through we need to find a way to re gain trust in ourselves learn to like the skin we are in. Learn to set boundries if we stay or learn to get the hell out. Thats on us not the lain the stress the anxiety thats on them.

Do not doubt your pain your fear do not allow him that bit of you.

 

Much love sweetie xxx

[nbumblebee]

Huge thank you CB i was beginning to think i was being unfair to him. He admitted his friend saw and touched but he said he didnt which i dont actually believe. I spoke to another man about this and he thought i was being unfair that all men looked at lap dancers!!! I think if i had a man sit on my lap topless my husband would go crazy. One rule for them another for us. Thank you for making me feel less crazy cb xxxxx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much xxxx

[nbumblebee]

I have tried to get away ive gotten way to close and week after week he makes me feel bad. He says he trying to make me be responcible for my actions to see im also wrong at times. He says he thinks i love living a miserable life because i wont change it.

Am I? Have i let others down due to protecting myself? Do n**c husband do nice things sometimes? Is this all on me?

[nbumblebee]

Hey I feel this way too. I have seemed to jump from one abusive relationship to the next even friendships. Its like we are a magnet to these and my counsellor says we are. That we attract tbese people not on purpose but because of our trauma. We have to work on that in order to get rid of the magnet we hold. None of this is far so often abusers get away free whilst we have to fight each and every day just to stand.

As i said you need to trust yourself on this one search way deep down inside to find the answer you are looking for and trust that gut of yours it knows it really does know.

Always remember you arent alone we have you sweetie. Xxxxx̌

[nbumblebee]

Good to “see” you too x

[nbumblebee]

Oh tired this is gosh just amazing. Thank you. You have described me how i feel how i am. This is me.

To just have someone who gets it who understands makes so much difference. I am trying so hard to do everything i can to hang on to my marriage. I just wanna stop thinking just for one day Im exhausted I really am trying to second guess everything makes my head explode. This has helped me so much Thank you xx

[nbumblebee]

Good to hear from you too sweetie. I think you have to listen to your gut that deep down feeling xxxxx

[nbumblebee]

Thank you BB i do really want to go and keep telling myself i did nothing wrong it was his reaction not mine. Im so nervous this morning. At some point I have to stand up to these men and fight for myself to rid myself of the constant pull of men lkke this. Staying away will make me feel like i am wrong going will make him see im not going to cower into submission. Thank you for helping me see xxxxx

[nbumblebee]

Yes minimeekat yes thank you so much. I need to show him i need to hold my head high. Thank you so so so much xxx

[nbumblebee]

Im with you there icelolly i 100% feel this its not fair none if this shit is fair.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for sharing SL yeah I have been seeing a counsellor for years now due to cptsd we have tried all manor of therapys not much works not much sinks in i just keep digging deeper into myself. Im glad you got out and are seeking help.

I just feel like i really have lost who i really am and i dont know how to find her again xx

[nbumblebee]

CB I dont ever and will never use the abuse word my husband isnt nice at times thats how i see it.

Yes things have been calm for a ling while but recently i have seen his nastyiness again too. It has crept in small ways but i see in his eyes the hate and anger he (detail removed by Moderator) so this is adding to his stress and like you i am the outlet for that.

We do what we do to live to survive it may not be everyones choice but for now its all i can do.

CB none of this is in your head its a gane they play to keep us here. Xx

[nbumblebee]

Not your maid this is amazing i needed to hear this. Thank you x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Ive noticed that we no longer go out with friends as much anymore its like they see now and dont wanna be around him. Its hard. Xmas has been ok last year was so horrific anything wouldve been better but he has been actually ok. Ok he got so drunk we couldnt enjoy a nite with our kids but i did i enjoyed being with them so it was actually nice. Im waiting to see how he gets when i return back to work. I do wonder if the reason he is so nice is cause im home by his side 24/7.

That makes me feel like such a nasty person. Maybe he really is just trying now?

[nbumblebee]

Thank you Stargazing your words are always appreciated xx

[nbumblebee]

Bless you bettrrdays thank you. I hope this week is better for you x

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. And I agree with you this was never about abusive behaviour it was more about the unfairness. If I had done this I would never have been forgiven seems like there is one rule for him and another for me.  Thank you for validating how I feel it means alot. Some days you feel like abuse is all you can think about and picking away and whats right and whats not is hard hard work. Xxxx

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