Nomorepain

[Nomorepain]

Hi Fallingleaves,
I’m glad you are posting here, you are going through a lot. I have been where you are and I know the heartbreaking decision that you are facing. All I can say, is take one hour at a time, one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. You are a warrior and you will get through this. I can tell how much empathy you have. You are thinking so much about how your partner feels. He is very lucky to have someone as kind and caring as you are.

I felt a lot of shame when I ended my pregnancy. I felt ashamed all through my abusive relationship. I feel shame now for staying in that relationship after he cheated on me and abused me. I want to loose the shame because all through my life I have just tried so hard to help others and take care of them and do what is right for everyone. What I am trying to say is you have nothing to feel shameful about. You are putting yourself first and your children and this shows your strength.
Most importantly take care of yourself xx

[Nomorepain]

Thank you Mellow for your support. I am overwhelmed with all of the kind words on here. I am currently in the process of exploring all of my options. The abuse continues even when the relationship ends and this is why living under the same roof is so highly stressful. I’m trying to not be pushed by him to make certain decisions as his coercion is still very prevalent.
I’m trying to keep strong and focus on that little light I see up ahead xx

[Nomorepain]

Thank you for posting again. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and wishing you well. Well done for speaking to your partner and you’re lucky that you have met someone supportive of your decision.
It’s like you say, as mothers all our decisions have been to try and protect the children we have, even when we’ve remained in abusive relationships. We have often done so to try and keep our children close to their father and not wanting to hurt them. Even though looking back, I see how misguided this was.
I still feel sad about the termination I had and the next day while I was still recovering my ex disappeared for 2 days. I had to drag myself out of bed to tend to kids and take to school etc. reliving these experiences makes me realise how much strength I had to get through this level of mistreatment, all the time making excuses for him and minimising. And you are absolutely right, we all the time have to make tough decisions and our strength is tested! But whenever things feel tough, remember how far you’ve come and how capable and strong you are. If you ever feel sad. Please feel free to message me privately xx

[Nomorepain]

Thank you! I’m getting legal advice! Apparently he can take me to court to try to force a sale but it’s unlikely that the court will agree to this due to me living in the property with children. I obviously don’t trust him and I’m wary if him trying to pull me through the court system. It’s surprising but not surprising how many solicitors give such bad advice and have no understanding of coercive control. Thank you for replying! 🙏

[Nomorepain]

Hi, I just wanted to reach out and offer support. You have so many different emotions going through your head. Please take your time and do not rush into making any decisions. I have had unplanned pregnancies and continued the pregnancies. I have also had terminations and miscarriages. I know the full range of experiences. I’ve terminated a pregnancy due to pressure from ex partner and I have also had a termination because I felt it was right for me and the children that I already had. So I completely understand. You will know what to do. I know it’s hard but try not to let your ex be a deciding factor in your decision making. You say that you’re worried about your children’s reaction, but children are amazing and resilient and they might be excited at the prospect! Your new partner may also be over the moon.
Whatever you decide, I know that it will be right for your family. Take care and keep posting xx

[Nomorepain]

Hi Warriorinme,
I completely agree with everything you’ve said. Even reading your message triggered me because I feel exactly the same. I’ve been told by a solicitor to accept the money he is offering me, even though it is not enough to get a property big enough for me and children. Apparently all of the abuse I’ve suffered means nothing because it is in the past and doesn’t meet the ‘threshold’, according to my solicitor. I have suffered more than a decade of coercive control. I’m starting to push back and hold my ground. I am writing down all of my abuse on paper. This is my way of holding on to my truth and building my strength!!!!
I too feel quite hopeless and depressed, but the support I’ve had on here is helping and I’m determined to continue to try and access support and fight back as much as I can safely do so.
Take care and keep in touch xx

[Nomorepain]

Sending support! I’m going through it too….we are all here to support! Xx

[Nomorepain]

Hey,
I just want to send my support. I have recently split up with my abuser and still sharing the house. I have posted my story on here and like you I feel trapped. With these men, It is all about power and control and they continue to use it whether we are in a relationship or not. I even feel that the post separation abuse can feel worse than when you are in a relationship with them. When you’re in a relationship you are trauma bonded and you get ‘good times’ and ‘calm periods’ with the abuser. Even though we know that this is all a cycle. Once you’re separated, I’ve found that it is constant undercurrent of aggression. Mine is very careful not to do anything outwardly aggressive as I would call the police. It’s very subtle!

I don’t know what advice to give because I know all your time is taken up with childcare. Please try and call Women’s Aid and get in contact with a solicitor. Knowledge is power and you do have rights. These men will try and financially abuse us, as once our eyes are open to all the other DV, this may be the last tactic that they have.
Good luck and keep positive xxx

[Nomorepain]

I spoke to a financial advisor yesterday who discussed the possibility of buying him out. It didn’t look that likely, however I will contact another mortgage broker. I want to thoroughly research every avenue before I commit.
I’m expecting things to start to escalate now. I have said no to his demands and as I know from experience, there is always a punishment for saying ‘no’.
Thank you for reassuring me that it is nog me being unreasonable and selfish and emotionally harming the children (all of these things are being implied by various people). I’m so glad you found a good solicitor. I’m wondering whether to just find someone else. I think my solicitor is trying to save me money, hence why she’s wanting this matter resolved.
I’m trying to keep my eyes on that flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for offering your support. It makes me feel less crazy! I feel like abuse victims are always blamed for their reaction and it’s so exhausting justifying ourselves all the time xx

[Nomorepain]

Hi,
very interested to read your messages. I am just starting on the process of separating from my abuser. Like you both I had been with him for many, many years and in that time been completely coercively controlled. A lightbulb switched on about 3 years ago and since then everything is as clear as day. I believe mine is a covert narcissist too. Everyone in the community thinks he’s ‘great’. He’s got lots of flying monkeys. My situation is; after discovering his latest round of cheating I asked him to leave. He refused and offered to buy me out of the property. I can’t afford a property for myself and children and he is pushing on me to leave. My solicitor and even some of my family members are pushing me to just take the money… It’s not enough money to start a fresh and it will push me into living in a very difficult financial position. Family members implying that by me not accepting his offer immediately I am harming the children. He is coming across as being very reasonable. Even my solicitor is saying his messages are reasonable and there is nothing abusive there.
I think what I’m trying to say is that I think you are fantastic standing up to your abuser. People don’t understand the years and years of abuse we have suffered and at times we get made to feel as though we are being difficult and can’t just move on with our lives and they are being reasonable. There is so much victim blaming in our society. Let me know how you go on finding a solicitor who understand the abuse. Well done for representing yourself in court. That is an amazing achievement and as Maya Angelou says ‘Everytime a women stands up for herself, she is standing up for all women’
Take care, xx

[Nomorepain]

Hi,
very interested to read your messages. I am just starting on the process of separating from my abuser. Like you both I had been with him for many, many years and in that time been completely coercively controlled. A lightbulb switched on about 3 years ago and since then everything is as clear as day. I believe mine is a covert narcissist too. Everyone in the community thinks he’s ‘great’. He’s got lots of flying monkeys. My situation is; after discovering his latest round of cheating I asked him to leave. He refused and offered to buy me out of the property. I can’t afford a property for myself and children and he is pushing on me to leave. My solicitor and even some of my family members are pushing me to just take the money… It’s not enough money to start a fresh and it will push me into living in a very difficult financial position. Family members implying that by me not accepting his offer immediately I am harming the children. He is coming across as being very reasonable. Even my solicitor is saying his messages are reasonable and there is nothing abusive there.
I think what I’m trying to say is that I think you are fantastic standing up to your abuser. People don’t understand the years and years of abuse we have suffered and at times we get made to feel as though we are being difficult and can’t just move on with our lives and they are being reasonable. There is so much victim blaming in our society. Let me know how you go on finding a solicitor who understand the abuse. Well done for representing yourself in court. That is an amazing achievement and as Maya Angelou says ‘Everytime a women stands up for herself, she is standing up for all women’
Take care, xx

[Nomorepain]

Thank you for all your support. It really does make me feel better, knowing that other women have made it through to the other side. I can see how the financial abuse is taking its toll. He has access to money and he is trying to control everything. I am now forwarding all messages to solicitor. He told me that ‘I wanted this’. Meaning I pulled the plug, after more than a decade of abuse infidelities you name it, and I wanted this. I’m speaking to solicitor tomorrow and I think the plan is to write him a letter to start negotiations. Luckily she advised against mediation due to domestic abuse. Thanks again for all your support xx

[Nomorepain]

Thank you for all your wise words. For some stupid reason I thought the abuse would stop after we separated. I thought that once I explained all the things he had done, he would realise and move out, for sake of me and kids.
I’m trying to put all the things in place you said. Living desperately in the same space, literally just cooking for me and kids and now in bedroom chilling with children. I just can’t afford to move out. If he forces a sale then I will have to leave the area and take my kids out of school. He has a lot of money and could afford to buy a flat for a few years and then we could sell later on. You are right, this is all about control.
He sent an harassing message at lunch time today and it took all my strength to get through to the end of the working day.
You are right, I need to plan little things to get me through the day and nice trips with kids.
I have meeting with my solicitor, I will ask about non molestation order. Sending hugs xx

[Nomorepain]

I do know how you feel. I am not long out of the relationship. I am starting to feel this enormous sadness! The good times flood me at some points of the day.
The best way that I deal with this, is by focusing on my peace. I can start to feel peace. I never have to worry about what mood he will be in. Will this be a good day? A bad day? When I was with him, I was programmed to think about his feelings first. I never had time to look after myself but now I can start to self care and I know there are better days ahead. If I stayed with him things would never get better. The cycle would continue. I’d always worry when would be the next time.
Stay strong and remember we all know and care about your feelings xx

[Nomorepain]

I just wanted to send support. I am further along the road than you, but (removed by moderator) months ago, I could have been writing that message. I have (removed by moderator) children and my ex made me terrified that he would go for full custody etc etc! I think the point when it all started to change was when I accepted that this was abuse, which you’ve done! And when I reached out and contacted local domestic abuse support! They made me realise that the threats that my ex was making was part of his control tactics. I am now out of the relationship! I took my children with me! Just wanted to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel! No one will take your baby away from you. These men use our children as a weapon, when they know we are becoming stronger and they can no longer control you in other ways. Xx

[Nomorepain]

Sending love and support.
I’m in a similar position. My solicitor said that I could not leave the property with my children. He could say I have abducted them. I did end up speaking to him and he said that he didn’t want to live without the children and we should live civilly together. That is obviously impossible with an abuser. I now feel like I’m back to square one. I will try and speak to another solicitor.
I don’t feel like there is anyway out at the moment. I am the same as you, I would never leave my children. He has said the same to me. Telling me, You go! Leave the kids here! All of this in front of the children’s faces!
Keep posting! Remember we are stronger together! Any information I find out, I will post here! X

[Nomorepain]

You are amazing! I just read that feeling so proud of you! I am currently going through a separation but living in the same house. He has started up the charm again and I know how you feel you start to feel vulnerable. I’m spending evenings reading old journals to remind myself of all the disgusting things he did to me and my children witnessed.
I know the nights are the worst where all the memories keep flooding back. But keep posting you’re amazing! Xx

[Nomorepain]

Hi, thanks for your reply! I am not surprised that you got the same advice. I am hearing this from a lot of women. Hence the fact that we feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.

Just to give you a brief update. I managed to talk ‘him’ face to face. We agreed to meet in a public space. His behaviour was very detached and strange.. He took everything I said to calmly and agreed to live civilly ‘as friends’(for sake of kids). I obviously don’t trust him and still feel fearful of him but I’m hoping that this is the first step to my freedom. I’m planning my next move. I think me and kids will have to make plans to move out because he will definitely not leave the property.
Anyway, thanks again for everyone support! I feel like this road to freedom is so long and painful. I just want it done xx

[Nomorepain]

Hi,
I’m so sorry to hear your sad news. You are a massive support to so many people on here. Keep reaching out for support.
All the best xx

[Nomorepain]

Hi all,
Thank you so much for all your support and advice. I have read over everything that has been written and I am taking it all on board. I think the next step will be to get back in touch with my local
DV advisor. I am scared to stay in the house once he finds out that it is completely over but I would never leave without my children.
I will also speak to Rights of Women and confirm the advice I’ve been given and verify the solicitor is trained in DV.
Many thanks and I’ll be in touch x

[Nomorepain]

Hi Melloow,
Thanks for getting back to me. I agree, she doesn’t sound like a domestic abuse solicitor. She wasn’t taking into account the fear I feel. I did ask her what to do if I felt in danger. She says of course you need to remove yourself and children. However she was very much like wait and see if there is an incident before you leave. Which seems very dangerous to me.
I will ask him to leave next week. I’ll speak to domestic advice support before having that conversation.
x

[Nomorepain]

Hey,
Well done for getting on here and sharing your story. I relate so much to what you have said. Yes, emotional and financial abuse as well as physical abuse When he is smashing objects. I have experienced smashing and throwing and breaking objects and I minimised it all saying he doesn’t hit me or kids. I still find it difficult to accept that I have experienced so much abuse. I think it is because so much of their abuse is mixed on with happy days and gaslighting, so they often blame us for their behaviour. I have also experienced infidelity which is a massive psychological and emotional abuse pattern. I told my partner that I was leaving and taking kids and he said he was going to fight me for custody. That shocked and scared me, as my kids are my whole life and I couldn’t bare to be parted from them. I recognise that him saying this is his way of controlling me and trying to stop me leaving. I’m speaking to my domestic abuse advisor tomorrow and solicitor later on in the week to plan how to leave safely.
Take care and let me know how you get on. X

[Nomorepain]

I’m so sorry, you are going through this. What I’m coming to realise is this post separation /financial abuse is disgusting! How can he suggest your (detail removed by Moderator) moves in without you??? It’s like me, trying to be forced into a small accommodation while doing all the childcare, while he remains in a large property by himself.
The advice I’ve been given, and I think this applies to you too. If your name is on the deeds of the house he cannot stop you living there. It’s like me, I will be travelling to see family during the school holiday and I was worried he wouldn’t let me back into the house. My lawyer said, he cannot stop me coming back into the property. So you are well within your rights to live in your own place with the children.
Obviously think of your safety. If he shouts or gets aggressive please call the police. I’ve been told to do this also. My abuser is now in the phase of acting as though he’s the most reasonable person in the world. And we live in a society where women are forced to escape with their children while men remain with the property.
Take care and if you want to send me a message privately I’d be happy to chat. Xx

[Nomorepain]

Thank you so much for this support. I will follow up your leads. I think when my current solicitor, encouraged me to just take his money and leave. I started to feel really angry. How can this man abuse me for so long and just effectively kick me and children out of the house. I can feel already the shift of blame is starting to point at me, as though I am being difficult for not leaving. I have my moment when I think it would be easier for me and kids to move out but I can’t think straight under his pressure. I think what makes it more difficult for me is that we are not married. The solicitor pointed out that it is not straightforward for unmarried couples and that all we can negotiate is the property.
Thanks again! It really does make a difference getting the support on here! Other people don’t understand xx

[Author]

Posts