Notjustme

[Notjustme]

I am lying here crying at your question (i am not a crier at all normally) and the responses because I am so overwhelmed. For years I have asked myself this same question, I have pondered about every time I lost it and fought back almost to the point where i have very nearly convinced myself that my ex was right and that it was actually me doing the abusing.
He smothered me in his idea of love, he wanted my every moment to be spent with him, he isolated me, he bad mouthed everyone I was close to, he told me that he couldn’t understand how I ever survived without him and when I dared to show that I didn’t need him 24/7 he convinced me that I was a bad person. He hid my phone and stole my car keys. He arranged secret dates with other women (I found the messages). He deliberately upset me by telling me that I’m fat and ugly and by telling me I should kill myself, he would get right in my face and act like the victim when I pushed him away. He would disappear for entire weekends and return with a bunch of flowers, feigning tears if I put them straight in the bin. I have often wondered if maybe he was right and I am just a bit sick and evil. After all, it was his right to go out all weekend with no contact, the women (who I knew nothing about and had never met) were his friends, he was clingy because he loved me so much, at least he brought me flowers. He convinced me that he was doing me a massive favour by being with me and that i should be eternally grateful. How dare i stick up for myself. The only emotion I was allowed to portray to this man was happiness and contentment even when I was over boiling with anger, resentment and frustration. He could be cold and distant and moody but it was my job to appease him, he would say, “That’s what women do for their men” and I would feel inferior if I couldn’t match up to his ideals of a perfect woman. In the beginning of our relationship he told everyone that I was the perfect woman, towards the end all his friends and family had the impression that I was evil and violent and manipulative.
I’m not going to lie, I still have a margin of doubt and think sometimes that maybe if I’d have just handled things a bit differently then I wouldn’t have caused him to abuse me and my child emotionally and physically. Thank goodness I also have a rational side whispering to me that actually I couldn’t have done any more if I had tried, that I’m entitled to feel raw negative emotion, that I’m justified in defending myself and my family. I just wish that whisper would speak up a bit louder and completely drown out his words.
I guess this is the same for many of us here, that really we’ve done as best as we can in our relationships and that at some point, when that is still not enough for that person who claims to love us, then our brains go into fight and flight mode all at the same time. It’s confusing, it’s heart breaking and it’s soul destroying. If I could go back to those moments in my life I would be able to tell myself that my fight was pointless, not because I didn’t have a point but because my point was completely lost on a (removed by moderator). I would have taken the flight mode a lot sooner but I know through hard experience that is easier said than done.
You are an abuser if you seek to manipulate, lie to, gaslight and control another person. Otherwise, you’re simply a normal human being.

[Notjustme]

Hi,
You are so much stronger than you think. You have recognised that you are in an abusive relationship and that takes real strength. It takes masses amounts of strength to pretend to the world that everything is ok, to get up every day and look after your kids and manage a smile. I know.
You are so much stronger than you think. Maybe you are not ready or able to leave yet. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you cautious and selfless, those are strong characteristics.
Please phone the domestic abuse support line, they are amazing and even if you’re not ready to leave they will listen and support you. Please remember that you are not alone in this.

[Notjustme]

Hi KIP!

Thank you. I totally understand that these men hunt out victims for their perceived vulnerabilities and I feel that this is another tactic they use to control and dominant their victims without having to take any responsibility for their actions. They also convince themselves that their behaviour is justified due to the vulnerabilities they perceive in their victims. However, I remember being told that perpetrators sense vulnerability and this is when I started to blame myself. I wondered what was wrong with me and I wondered what messages I was sending out to the world. I started to question myself and felt like I must have been weak and incapable to allow these things to happen to me.
I worry that the label of ‘vulnerable’ some how takes the emphasis off the actions of the perpertrators? I might be wrong but i worry that some how it victim blames? I wouldn’t have classed myself as vulnerable before i met my ex but i have been worried that maybe i was, ever since I realised this could have been a contributing factor in getting together with him. I understand that you’re not victim blaming in anyway at all but I worry that this societal acceptance of ‘victim vulnerability’ amounts to the same thing as blaming a rape victim for wearing a short skirt.
I read a meme once that said, “If you can’t control your woman then you’ve found a good one” which made me feel so sad. I was controlled, does that mean the world perceives me as ‘not good’ so therefore I deserved it. That maybe my vulnerabilities led my perpetrator into believing that I needed controlling: again, victim blaming.
Maybe I’m thinking too much about this but I really feel women are too quick to take the weight of the world on their shoulders, even if it means blaming themselves for everything that happens to them. Xxx

[Notjustme]

I love this. Thank you for sharing.
X

[Notjustme]

It’s so hard knowing what’s best, isn’t it? I lost track of the number of times I told my abuser it was over. Each time he would beg with me and promise to change. Things would be wonderful after that for a couple of weeks before the evil would creep back in. He couldn’t help himself. The only thing that got through to him was me actually walking away and cutting all contact. I understand this might be tricky for you though if you have children together but maybe you could cut contact for at least a couple of weeks and tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s over; via a solicitor if needs be. Unfortunately this might be the only thing that gets through to him.
X

[Notjustme]

Hi,
Recognising your situation as abuse is the first step towards freedom and eventual healing so you have taken a massive step in the right direction, go you!
X

[Notjustme]

Going back to college was the best thing I did after getting away from my first abusive relationship. It is such a positive step forward when you’ve been undermined for any length of time. It’s all about regaining control and power in your life and of course building a future for yourself and your family. Well, it was for me anyway. It will be hard at times and sometimes it might feel impossible but stick at it and I promise you won’t regret it.
For a girl who had been told her entire life that she was thick, stupid and a loser I did pretty well graduating with a First Class Honours. Even if I do say so myself!

[Notjustme]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post freedomtochoose and KIP. I hadn’t actually thought much about the counsellors experience in this field, but that is definitely something I need to consider, especially before I go down the CBT route so thanks for that advice. I will try the books you suggested too.
After (detail removed by moderator) I still blame myself, especially for the behaviour of my youngest child in the aftermath. I know I probably shouldn’t but I can’t help it.
By the way freedomtochoose, don’t worry I am back to dancing at parties so definitely getting somewhere!!! 😀

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