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Hiya,
Just to give you an update if you are still reading this.

We have now split up. I have moved out. He came back from being away and said I was putting ‘restrictions on him’ and controlling his work hours. I just didn’t want him working lots of late shifts as he already worked late like 3 times a week and all weekend every second weekend.

He said he maybe wanted to be single and I didn’t want to break up. So we gave it a try but I kept crying everytime he came near me as I felt to abandoned and let down and kept trying to have the same conversations with him over and over again. But it confused me as he kept being affectionate but then telling me everything I didn’t want to hear – he didn’t want marriage and kids anymore, ever. He wanted lots of space, to do whatever he wanted to do and only send two evenings quality time with me a week, which would be a ‘compromise’.

My health physical and mental have deteriorated. I feel like its my fault for wanting to spend so much time from him when he was back (he was gone over a month!) and I wanted to see him everyday. I wanted support from him when work was hard, and this was too much for him.

To top it all off, he kept suggesting we still sleep together after breaking it off. He even tried to suggest this on the day I moved my things out of the home we shared!!!

Clearly, I am very confused and messed up about this an cannot thing rationally. I am having a hard time today as I am missing him and happier times, which I know is stupid, as I can only think with my emotional brain right now.

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Thanks everyone for you comments, especially with regards to my mum. I’m sure she would have me back temporarily if it did come to it. That made me feel a lot less stuck.

I’ve actually been on my own for a bit due to work commitments and the space has been really good for me to try to process things.

With the door thing I spoke to my friends in real life and it made me feel better as one of them said they would have reacted like that if they thought they’d been shut out of their own flat. I genuinely believe that my boyfriend didn’t mean to do it but it is still wrong and he is sorry for it happening.

I know that I want to stay in the relationship; but I also know that if it does get bad I will be able to leave and I will be fine as I’m on my own now and I am absolutely fine.

I do find it hard to get in the head space of things being both good and bad as I tend to see things black and white.

With regards to the his raising his voice, as I think I mentioned before there is a language barrier there so he struggles to find the words sometimes and although I don’t like it I will just have to see how it continues. I think we will have to see if we can live round each other when we wind each other up. I tend not to give people space when they are wound up so it makes it a lot worse. I know I sound like I’m making excuses but I do think everyone has things that triggers them to behave in certain ways.

This might just be an incoherent mess but I feel a lot clearer with things than I did before. I know if things continue or go worse I can leave an I will be fine.

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thanks kip x
when I feel scared I don’t think it’s because of him it is because of how things went with my ex and the things the ex did
I only think I sometimes feel scared of my parter because he is so big compared to me like if he is standing in the way or something because my ex used to stop me leaving and stuff
so its more of a flash back ptsd type reaction to the past of that makes sense
and sometimes I make the argument/make up dynamic thing worse because I expect him to react in the way my ex did and comfort and bombard me rather than give me space which is what he does
i don’t know if that makes sense
i expect things to be the same as with the ex so every little thing i latch on to as like ohh noooo when it doesn’t have to be the same as that

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Hi to anyone that reads this and thank you for responding,
I’ve thought carefully about all of this since I posted.
I have to say that I came away from this forum feeling worse than I did before I posted.
I felt like I was being pushed into a corner because I’m afraid I don’tbelieve things to be completely black and white. I think there is a difference between someone breaking things to try to make someone feel scared to doing what my partner did to the door to try to get in. As he thought I was trying to keep him out his own home. I honestly believe he didn’t mean to and I don’t honestly believe he would hurt me or break things on purpose.
Of course, if he does then I know the line and I now to leave.
It’s not a relationship where there’s other things he is doing that are abusive. Yes he does raise his voice sometimes but there is a language and communication barrier and I am incredibly noise sensitive.

I have to say I felt a lot better reading advice by people giving information and saying they’d support my decision either way. It’s a shame because I have never felt like I was being backed into a corner on here before, which is a shame. I always felt well supported.

Of course I could be incredibly wrong and whatever else but I have to say I am hyper vigilent from previous abuse and sometimes things aren’t always black and white. I just thing it’s worth pointing out that sometimes things can be a wait and see given that I haven’t had any other red flags yet (and trust me I have spent the last years looking out for them).

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I completely get what you are saying an I don’t want to be in the same situation I was before… but that’s the thing isn’t it it’s not always black and white I feel as he is caring and reasonable… most of the time. We were in the heat of a bad argument … but I don’t like that he tried to partially blame me. Part of me thinks I should just show him this thread

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Thank you every one for replying so far.
I am very conflicted. I have been in an abusive relationship before that I have poste about on here before.

Not too long after it ended I got together with my current partner.
In many ways he has helped me get past my last relationship. I can talk to him about literally anything and I do believe he is a good person.

But we have a bit of a language/culture barrier as English is not his first language and this can cause misunderstandings/miscommunications between us. I do not believe he would physically hurt me but obviously if he did that would be the line.

I don’t believe him to be emotionally abusive like my last partner was who was a textbook narc.

This is what I mean where I am so confused as he has only behaved badly like this in circumstances where it is extreme – he thought I was locking him out our home so I kind of get why he would have got mad and lost it. But obviously I don’t think it is an okay thing to have done at all.

It’s so difficult because if I were to tell my family an friends they wouldn’t support the relationship which would make it difficult for me staying with him. My mum has told me now I have moved out that I can’t come back which means I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. In many ways it’s easier to stay and see if anything like this happens again and then make a decision to leave if I am not happy, with more money in my pocket.

I do think everyone looses their temper sometimes and there can be circumstances which explain I which is why I am not sure about this instance, despite going through textbook abuse before. I hope that makes sense.

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I think I am hyper vigilent to noise from my ex who was abusive but I don’t neccesarilly think my current partner is. I kind of thought people would say that I should have left him alone not wind him up. and I don’t think he would have broken the door if he hadn’t have thought I was locking him out. I don’t think he would hurt me.

Like I;m not trying to excuse his behaviour but do you think sometimes there is an explanation and a misunderstanding

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I feel like I should clarify that it wasn’t the actual door that it broken well not really but the side panel it connects to where you put the chain. If that makes sense

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My heart goes out to you. It is so difficult when you leave, even months after. I remember the first couple of months being hell in my own mind. I had never felt that way before, not even after having loved ones pass away. It was constant thought after thought and flashback and having to rewrite all of the time with my ex, knowing it was a lie… By brain kept going back and forth in denial thinking it was my fault and it couldn’t possibly be true…

Things that helped me were… Talking to friends and family even strangers sometimes. I splurged out the details for anyone that listened. I had to get it out.
I had counselling but not domestic v counselling. But it was helpful as he helped me build my sense of self back and still had someone to talk too.
I had to remain busy busy busy all the time to stop the thoughts or I would go mad…. I did anything free going. An alpha course, social meet ups advertised, wanted to try book clubs, extra things from work. I tried reconnecting with lots of friend and acquaintances and strengthens the friendships I had been isolated from. Took myself out for the day. Exersize classes .
This helped me enjoy being in my head again.
I listened to endless podcasts to help me go to sleep as last thing at night and first thing was the worst.
And also reading as much as I could Fromm people in the same situation. This was not a normal break up, this was a traumatic event, nothing to do with me… And every abuse has the same patterns. This lifted so much guilt from me.
Just know your are not alone in this and it really does get better!

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Hi! I felt like this during the start of my relationship too. We have actually gone to couples counseling and the therapist said that being in the new relationship bought a lot of things to the surface for me and a lot of things triggered me which makes perfect sense! I was finding it hard to be in the relationship and not really over anything he had done but because of how it reminded me of my ex.

There were really small things like if he would stand in front of me in a certain way, or raise his voice (even if it wasn’t in anger) or toucb me a certain way. It still haooens occasionally now but I am largely past it. I think j having been with him over a year now and trusting g him more because I haven’t had any red flags and also him being very open to talking about stuff has helped. I wonder if you could talk to your partner but not relate it to his weight? Just say that sometimes your brain makes there weird connections and gets triggered and it’s not his fault but that you just wanted to talk about it and it is hard for you sometimes? Let me know how it goes 😊

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Thank you sunshine rainflower. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this. Although i am sorry that you do too if that makes sense. I too used to love getting ready to go round and have that anticipation…. Until it got cold towards the end. But I don’t know why I felt like it was great when in reality there was no eye contact and real intimacy. With my new boyfriend things are really comfortable and I can tell him anything and I don’t feel like I have to get all dressed up which is good. But I guess there isn’t that extreme excitement all the time even though I am happy with him. O definitely attracted to dominant men. I’m not sure how it could be linked to my past though. I haven’t worked that out yet. I know my current boyfriend is more like my dad than my ex was. I just feel like I am betraying my current boyfriend my feeling like this.

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You might me right about the knowing we shouldn’t go there. Well done you for knowing your ex husband was lying and staying so strong. Good for you 🙂
I do want to stay with my boyfriend and I am very grateful to him but I just have that bit of doubt sometimes that isn’t logical it’s emotional and it’s confusing.

The sex with the ex was often after we had had an argument I suppose in hindsight as a way of resolving things without him having to communicate. He also always withheld affection despite me begging for it. The sex was quite ‘robotic’ and he wasn’t really interested in my needs athough he said he was… I know it wasn’t even that great so I don’t know why I have that part of me that still yearns for it

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Hi Serenity

Don’t worry you are not rambling. I’m sorry to hear about you being unlucky with relationships.

My boyfriend now is what I think of as more like best friends with a bit more. It started off as friends. It sounds bad but I know I would be okay if we split up too which makes me feel relieved. Even though I do love him. I’m not so trapped though.

I just worry a bit I am missing out in having a passionate relationship like when you have all the butterflies and tingles and all that cheesy stuff because I only had that ith my ex. And I don’t know if that was part of the highs of an unhealthy relationship or not.

I wouldn’t want to split with my boyfriend in pirsut of some mad passionate love if it’s false but I also don’t want to stay and then wonder what I missed out on. I am happy wth him but I guess that’s what I have been wondering about.

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sorry, I didn’t mean to come off like i’m offended. I think im just quite tried an confused and overwhelmed so i’m going to take a little bit to digest what people have sai and then I can respond properly. thank you so much for your advice x

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I don’t want to pack in a relationship though if it just was a mistake. I’m really confused.

he has blown up at me before but when he says I had got in his space and he wasn’t feeling well or I wasn’t respecting his boundaries kind of thing

whwnever I tries to ring the helpline in my ast relatiosnhio no one ever answered so I gave up home tbh

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