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Hi KIP, Thankyou for your words of support. I fear you are right. I like the idea of removing one hook at a time, that doesn’t feel so overwhelming. They are really big hooks that’s the problem – mortgage, kids, shared history. You’re right maybe I could find other childcare. Or it won’t be too long before the wraparound re opens. It’s such a trapped feeling during lock down. But in some ways good as I have no way of distracting myself from him or getting time apart. So I can’t just coast along ignoring his behaviour and living my life…forced to confront how miserable it is!

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Hi I hope you’re ok too. Sorry you are going through this. ‘Forever on a doomed quest to support him’, that comment of yours really rang true with me! Nothing you say will be good enough. I’ve suggested counselling to mine as well. He says he doesn’t need it! Yes I think your partner is moving the goalposts. Take care and keep posting on here if it helps x

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Hi I just posted my own thread on the forum, then read your post and it was scarily like reading about my own husband, he’s been doing exactly the same thing for years to me! No matter what I say, I’m never supportive enough. He also does the crying without tears thing. It never actually occurred to me this is an actual tactic!
Sorry I don’t have any advice as I find it really hard to deal with. But just wanted to say that you’re not alone, so we can’t be imagining it. Hugs

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Thankyou both, you’ve given me lots to think about and the idea of a time limit is a good one. You both sound really strong and I wish I could be more like that.
I think I’m feeling really guilty now for forcing the separation as he’s now being a model dad and husband. Before this he didn’t do much around the house or with the kids though. It makes me wonder why he couldn’t be so nice before, as he’s obviously capable of it. I’m going to give it a bit longer though, I don’t trust that he’s really changed and even if he had – as you said, I’m not sure I could feel the same about him.

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Thanks I can see why you’re saying that. Yes I have given him a lot of chances and it is like a cycle.
It’s such a huge guilt trip though feeling like I’m breaking up the family and the kids want him around. I don’t really want to meet anyone else. I just want a normal happy family and he seems to now be offering that…

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Thankyou Tiffany. Last time he was this nice wasnafter I left him early in the marriage – this was years ago. I went back and got pregnant with our first child – when I was pregnant was when it all started again.
So I don’t feel I can trust him any more.

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This forum is definitely so helpful and helps makes sense of things.
I didn’t mention in my other post that I e had a few sessions with a WA counsellor, which have confirmed in my mind that the relationship has definitely been emotionally abusive and even physically at times, although only mildly if that makes sense.
I’m just not sure if he’s really changed. I still want the separation so I can process everything, but I don’t know if I’m being selfish by disrupting the children’s lives when things aren’t actually that bad.
I just feel my mental health is suffering with it all.
I asked again for the separation and he is now considering it, I hope that I’m doing the right thing. I have tried to talk to him and explain how the behaviour has affected me, he has actually listened a bit, but also said it was partly me. He has still not once said he’s sorry.

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I am still here. Christmas was up and down..some nice bits and others not so. After an incident, my brother in law used the term gaslighting about him without me saying anything. My mum gave me a lecture about how it would ruin the children’s lives if I left and that there was no excuse for doing it to them, as he is not violent or alcoholic. My sister said she was worried about me because I looked so down and unhappy.
After Christmas we had a couple of days without the kids, I summoned the courage to ask for a separation. This time he was reasonable and seemed to consider it. Then he said he had looked for somewhere to rent but couldn’t find anywhere, that it was too drastic and that we should just continue together but give each other space.
Since then he’s been a model husband. Very cheerful. Can’t do enough for me…Except for physical affection (any kind) which has been almost completely absent for a year now, and is it wrong that that in itself is making me feel crazy? …except for that he’s been very nice.
It’s so confusing. I don’t know what to do now or who to listen to. I seem to feel so trapped, but for no good reason as things aren’t actually so bad.
Helps to post on here. Thanks to anyone reading.

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Thanks – the worrying thing is that I don’t think it’s even his voice any more. It’s my own voice telling me I won’t be able to cope. I don’t feel strong and it’s like a vicious cycle because the more down I feel, the less able to do anything, and then feel more down.
Yes maybe I should go back to the doctor, I just hate admitting that I can’t cope. But I just need small steps as you say, that is a good idea thanks.

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Tiffany, you were strong to leave at that point. I wish I had been as strong but I think at the time I just wanted to make a happy family. Instead I’ve made a broken one and have now got to think of the best way to mend it.
I just hate the idea of a split family.
Maybe I should just pull myself together and realise marriage is hard, and try and work through it? I’m questioning my own experience now and whether it can really be so bad?

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Feeling so sad tonight. I just re read some of my old diaries back from the time I first met my husband. I wrote so much about how unhappy I was and how he’d upset me so much…then a few weeks later it would be that he’d been lovely to me and everything was wonderful…then back to me being really unhappy again.
I remembered when we got engaged, how I had actually decided very recently to end it, and it took me a week to say yes. I can clearly remember going for a walk to think about it, walking past a family with children and thinking ‘I really want that’, then deciding I couldn’t throw away the chance for my own family, and must’ve just hoped it would all work out for the best.
It’s almost like he had some kind of sixth sense I was about to leave him and that’s why he proposed, or maybe that’s too harsh.
I sounded so confused and unhappy in my diary and I just felt so sad and wanted to reach out to my younger self with advice.
Now I feel like it’s too late and I’ve wasted all these years being unhappy.
Just felt upset and about wanted to get it all out.

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Eggshells, I’m sure you did what you thought was the right thing for you and your family at the time, which is all anyone can do.
Thanks TS – he really does seem a lot better but my fear is that it’s only temporary.
Eggshells, if you find any good advice to help make the decision, please do share it if you feel able. Your name resonates with me – I feel I’ve been walking on eggshells for years!

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Hi, Eggshells. Please don’t worry – your post was very helpful, it sounds like a similar situation to mine and part of the problem is it’s not clear cut. Like you say, if I stay there are both advantages and disadvantages, at the moment the children have a stable family and parent who are together, at least. But I don’t know whether it will damage them in the long term to see their parents being unhappy.
At the moment for me, my husband has beeen a lot better and seems to be actually trying to change, but I’m still really unhappy with him. It feels harder than when he was actually being awful because I now have less reason to leave. Your posts have brought home to me that I could be in this situation in many years’ time, still unhappy and wondering if I should have left years ago – there’s just no right or wrong answer to that and that’s what makes it so hard.
You sound like you’re doing really well and trying to help your children have healthy relationships now they are older, which I’m sure will be a great support to them. Thankyou for posting and I hope it all works out for you.

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Thankyou Tiffany and everyone else. Yes, this is a huge help. I’ve started wondering why it’s been so hard for me to leave this relationship, when in the past I’ve ended relationships that weren’t right for me. Of course I’m married with children now so it’s harder, but even before we got married I remember wanting to end it and feeling unable. I wonder if this is a sign of an abusive/unhealthy relationship.
I still feel I’m exaggerating it all when I read people’s posts on here and it seems so much worse than what I’m experiencing. But you’re right – even being this unhappy is good enough reason to leave, whether or not there is abuse – and I’m sure there has been, even if it’s not happening at this moment. I don’t think I would make this up.
I feel stronger at the moment so I hope I can stay strong enough.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. The practical advice is really useful Tiffany, and I feel a bit better and stronger.
I also find myself doubting things are as bad as I’ve made out and thinking they might all be ok now. I appreciate your concern KIP but I don’t think he’s actually dangerous as there’s no physical violence.
I just keep remembering how hard it was to contact WA and post on here in the first place, and I would never have done it in the first place unless things were pretty bad. I’ve been through this cycle a lot of times now. I wanted to leave when we were engaged, after getting marrried before we had children, when I was pregnant and when the first was a baby. It always seemed impossible, although looking back all those would have been easier times than now to end it. There’s just never going to be a good time. I think I probably should leave, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.

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Thanks Tiffany. No, he doesn’t do much housework, washing, cooking etc – he does bits now and then, so I can’t say that he doesn’t help, but it’s mainly me, mainly because I work part time I think.
Yes he is critical of things around the house at times. I have to follow rules that I would never put in place myself. He’s very rigid.
I grew up with an emotionally abusive dad and I always wished my parents split up. We would probably have all been happier.
It’s just that now he’s being so much nicer I’m doubting how bad it all really is and feeling guilty for still wanting to leave.
I’m also frightened he’ll try and fight me over the children – as he’s already said he won’t let me leave with them…and scared of the bad feeling that’s bound to result, and the effect it might have on the children.
I don’t feel I’ve got the strength for it all and don’t know where to go if I left.
I’m in touch with WA by phone and waiting for 1 to 1 support but they can only offer it during my working hours at the moment. I’ll keep talking to them though.

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Thanks everyone – part of me knows you are all right, but I just can’t do it.
I look at my children, they’re so little and innocent and haven’t done anything wrong, then I think I’m about to tear their lives apart and it just breaks my heart.
They wouldn’t understand why I left their dad.
If I leave it’ll be worse for them, and probably for me. I hate myself for putting us all through this. It feels at the moment like an over reaction because I’m not at any risk of harm. Maybe mental harm, but I don’t even know any more if that’s my fault or his.
It’s all breaking me and I don’t know what to do for the best. But thanks for listening.

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Just posting on here again as I feel more confused than ever since asking him to leave and him refusing – he has been very reasonable and quite helpful.
I keep saying to people that he’s being amazingly nice but when I think about it, he’s just acting like you would expect someone to act normally with their partner – not doing anything out of the ordinary. But now the abusive behaviour has suddenly stopped I’m wondering if I imagined it all.
I just feel I will never get out of this relationship. He’s going to change tactic whenever I try to leave, so I feel as if I’m the one in the wrong by breaking up our family.
People tell me I’m not trapped, but I am.
He’s gone out this evening and I’m desperate to pack a bag, walk out of my life and never come back – but of course I could never leave my children.
I really feel very trapped, anxious and unwell, but also like I’ve made all of this up! Why is it so hard to know what to think or do?!

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I love this! Thankyou so much for posting x

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Hi Snowy Bunny. Sorry to hear of your experiences. I just wanted to reply and say that I have experienced religious control.
We are Catholic, there is no divorce allowed in my church, and for years I honestly thought that God would judge me if I left and I had to stick with my marriage, however bad it was, because that’s what I had vowed to do in church. This was a big part of why I stayed even when things were so bad at ole point that I became suicidal. My husband always said that he could not be divorced because we were married by God.
Anyway – something happened and suddenly I realised, this was another form of control and nobody would judge me for wanting simply to be happy. It was a huge weight off my mind.
I hope it works out for you. God will not judge you for standing up for yourself when you are so unhappy, I really believe that now.

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Thanks for your lovely post another life – I messaged you in another post but wanted to add that I like to think of it like a rock climb (Detail removed by Moderator).
Working my way to the top, one small move at a time – trying not to look down, hanging on by my fingertips and always protecting myself by having more than one point of contact with the ground, in case I fall.

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I have had the same thought while driving, another life, and also nearly accidentally crashed because I’ve been crying so much while driving – it’s the only time I get to myself during the day, so everything tends to hit me then. It’s frightening!
True it would be good if we were together, but we can support each other on here.

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So much good advice on here – thankyou. I think making an exit plan seems like a good strategy now, it does feel dishonest to do it when things are better – but as some people have said, that’s the time when you have the strength to make a plan.
So many empathic and emotionally intelligent women on here, no idea how we’ve ended up in these situations!

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Please, don’t worry. It helps to hear other people’s problems – not that I want others to go through the same thing of course! But helps to feel like I’m not going mad.
I feel exactly the same, it’s just feels so impossible to leave. I had a chat to my mum tonight and she said that if he was going to try and be better, then I should stay because it wouldn’t be worth losing everything we had together, and then said that it would really mess up the children’s lives if I left and would be a shame when they’re so happy and secure…!!
Well exactly – that’s part of the reason I’ve been in this unbearably unhappy situation for so long! And is why I feel trapped almost to the point of wanting to jump from a bridge, as the only way out…I wouldn’t ever actually do this, as I love my children and value my life. It just feels that desperate at times.
My sister told me that all men are moody and just to ignore his mood swings!
Then I start to feel that yes, I am acting like a dramatic teenager and should just put up with it all and get on with things.
Thankyou anyway for sharing.

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Thanks – it’s so hard when you have children and a life together isn’t it? I don’t love him at the moment. I find other people don’t really get it when I tell them he’s being nicer, they think it’s great, like everything is now sorted. Nobody would understand why I’d left at this point.
I have less reason to leave now. I know I would have gone a while ago if I had anywhere to go/didn’t have children with him. And that makes me feel hideously trapped. Still I guess only time will tell. I just have to not lose my mind completely in the meantime.

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So I’ve been on the holiday – he was actually really nice to me. He is saying he didn’t realise how unhappy I’d been and now thinks he can be different and put me first. We didn’t have sex but just got on ok as friends.
I don’t know what to do now, as I had started making plans to leave but now feel I ought to give him a chance to prove he has changed.
On the other hand I don’t have any romantic feelings left for him at all and can’t get past all the years of horrible bad times he’s put me through.
Just totally confused as he’s completely changed what he’s doing and saying so dramatically. I’m maybe being too harsh to wonder why if he can do this now, he couldn’t do it before?
I hate being stuck in this relationship which is not a proper marriage and always full of problems, unable to meet anyone else and unable to be happy with him, does that sound really selfish? Anyone else been in this situation and their partner has got a lot better?
Hugs

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Refusing sex when upset is a good idea Tiffany – thankyou for that thought. I’m going to start doing that. Not that we’re having sex at all at the minute.
I’m still in the phase of thinking I can work things out.

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I could have written that post, Poodlepower. Amazed how people’s experiences on here could be so similar to my own. Mine also suffered abuse when he was younger – I never thought that was why he was like this, but now it makes sense. I always thought it was me – that I was too exhausted with looking after the children/become unattractive due to giving birth to them.
I don’t know about the holiday – each time I think – this trip will be better. At the moment he’s very calm and reasonable so maybe it will be ok.

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Thanks Chickadee and Brews and Shoes. I finally got up the courage to go to WA centre in person, and glad I did, they have referred me to some counselling support and a specialist solicitor.
I’ve also asked to see our couples counsellor one to one, I don’t know if it’ll help but worth a try. He’s a different person in the counselling and comes across as quite reasonable, caring and vulnerable which makes me look like a b****h because I find it hard to respond to!
At the moment generally he is like a completely different person – can’t do enough for me, I’ve never ever known him so calm and caring. I now feel quite guilty that I’m finding it really hard to respond and have any affectionate feelings for him. I just feel like I’ve totally switched off.
Should I give him another chance as he’s trying so hard to be different??!! Or is it just an act? I really don’t know.
Anyway this thread is getting extremely long, maybe I should start a new one! Hugs to you all.

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Posting on here yet again…glad it is helping others to see the replies and it definitely helps make things clearer for me.
I have been to see my local Women’s Aid, they were very understanding and helpful even though I really felt like a complete fake who was wasting their time. However he has now done a complete about turn, is saying he can try and change, acting like a model husband and saying he loves me all the time, still hugging me all the time. Occasionally he lapsed I to speaking to me in a really horrible way and I can see him check himself and re think what he’s said.
It’s so confusing when I’ve got to this point! Now I feel like it would be really unfair to leave but still have this really strong urge to flee. I know if I didn’t have the children I would’ve gone weeks ago and would be staying with friends…but as there’s nowhere I can can go short term with the children, I’ve stayed. Just don’t know whether to give things another chance at this point. It feels so dishonest to be planning to go while simultaneously living with him and letting him think he can turn things around.
Sorry about rambling post…just don’t know what to think any more and feel quite trapped! It’s so difficult to explain why.

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