PurpleCloud

[PurpleCloud]

Bump.

Just a question, the evidence gathering always runs through my head, always. I did have a range of videos on my phone, but he found them and smashed it up. I did the same thing again thinking I could hide it but he again, smashed another phone. I can’t keep a diary anywhere, not a paper one and it’s too risky on my laptop/ tablet. Can this forum be used as evidence? Or maybe not? Here is my only safe space. I have some pictures of significant injuries like burns and bruises. I’m fortunate enough to say my body heals very easily, so I have no scars. But he found a picture of an injury once and he said “that doesn’t mean anything, you know I’m good at stories, and you could have self-harmed because you weren’t well at that time”. Honestly, this worries me, his way of thinking and he’s very convincing. The only real evidence I have is the odd picture and this forum. I say the “odd picture”, probably about 10/11 different incidents. It’s sad how I think that’s quite minor.
– please keep bumping this, it’s going to be helpful for so many of us here xx

[PurpleCloud]

@iliketea

[PurpleCloud]

I like tea. I really needed this. I really really did. You’re amazing. I’m in tears reading this again and I cannot believe it was 2018. The sad thing is, this all started in 2016, (detail removed by moderator) months after we met, I remember everything. But it took me until 2018 to find this forum even existed.
I can’t explain how thankful I am that you found this.
<3

[PurpleCloud]

Hi LifeBegins. We were posting the same weekend, I’m so happy you called the police and are moving forward. I actually felt happy for a second then reading that, knowing we are all doing this. You’re amazing. Please keep posting too, it makes me so happy to hear the positives and fills me with hope. I know I’m not at that stage yet but I’m talking more again on here and with my brother, which is helping. I’m so happy to hear the police were great. I don’t actually know what it is that’s stopping me from leaving, I ask myself this question constantly. I think I feel he will change and get better, and I worry if he meets someone new and he’s great with them that it was me all along. That sounds stupid but I’m being honest. I worry that if I call the police, or try to leave that he will hurt me. He told me (detail removed by moderator) if I try and tell anybody he’ll make sure I can never tell anybody again. And he said he didn’t need to explain what that means. He said his Dad would help him. I worry that the police also won’t believe me also, that again, sounds silly, but that’s how I feel. It was only (detail removed by moderator) he told his Dad that he couldn’t focus at work because of me and my bad behaviours (he works with his Dad) and his dad told him I was no good for him and “not the one”. That same evening we had dinner at his mum and dads, his family are always great towards me, but his dads behaviour is just like his. I adore his mum with every inch of me and just wished she’d see too. I don’t think he’s abusing her in the sense of verbal/ physical, but he is controlling her. She’s from another country and he met her and moved her here. She still struggles to speak English and has no friends. His dad likes it like that. But me, on the outside looking In, I see what’s going on. His Dad doesn’t like that I’m independent, have friends, family, a career. I think he wants him to meet a woman similar to his mum, someone who makes his food everyday and does nothing but do things for him. I’m sorry, but that will never be me.
Going back to why I won’t leave, I don’t know. I know if I picked up my phone now and spoke to my family they’d have me out of this place immediately. But I worry I will miss him. My biggest worry, and I’m being very honest now.. is that if we broke up, if I left, I’d be left with my own thoughts and trauma, whereas now because I’m still in the situation, I don’t really have to reflect because I’m still living it and new things happen all the time. Does this make sense? I’ve never really liked change, and when change happens I love it, but it’s the transition. I also live away from my parents so I worry where I would live and my career is here. I have the savings I’ve been saving for a long time so I’m okay in the sense for now. I worry I’m making the wrong decision by leaving, even though I know with me being here it’s not the right one either. I’ve never admitted this in my life, and it takes a lot for me to say this now, but I’m lost. I don’t feel like me, I’m very unhappy, and I have no energy with this. I told my brother last night I was very unhappy. He told me he wants me to message him every day now. I also for the first time ever told him about this women’s aid forum and told him I write. He said he’s happy to know I’m doing this, and wants me to do it more often and read it back. He also said I should make a dream board, and my idea of a good relationship. I have the support, I just don’t let people in enough to support. I have (detail removed by moderator) older siblings and they’re my best friends. I worry if I tell them too much they’ll be mad and upset. They have a right to be, but I don’t want to hurt them. My mum and dad are separated but I have amazing relationships with both of them. Again, I just can’t tell them. Sometimes I sit and stare at my phone wanting too but I can’t. He broke my phone not so long ago (it’s insured so I have a new one now) but I can never let go of my phone because I’m worried he’ll do it again. I don’t even go to the toilet without my phone and bank card. I just don’t feel safe without them

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you WaterSprite, I appreciate your response and guidance. You’re right. You’re so right. I like tea, this might sound silly but I did think about your handle name throughout the whole time of not coming on here. And I worried that you’d worry, and you did, and it’s because you care. We, care, everyone on here does. I like tea I badly want to answer all of those questions but (detail removed by moderator) has been an absolute horror story. (detail removed by moderator), getting ready for work (working from home) I was wiping the (detail removed by moderator) as I always like to do a “quick freshen up”. He said he was going to work. I’m still numb from the other day so I smiled and said have a nice day. He asked for a kiss and I nervously said “okay quickly bby because I have my online meeting in 5 and still cleaning the (detail removed by moderator)”. He flipped. He absolutely flipped. He immediately screamed, smashed some of my things up, and he’s beat me again. But he didn’t stop beating me, my rib cage hurts when I breathe in and out, and he slapped me so hard on the face the whole of one side is just red and burning. My arm has bruised already and so has my legs. I kept saying sorry and that I was bad and I should have not been Mardy and just kissed him when he asked. I was begging him to stop, he honestly beat me with full force (detail removed by moderator). I am in a lot of pain with my ribs. He said so many mean things but I was hurting I couldn’t hear. I’m currently working from home on my laptop. I made it for my meeting online just 10 minutes after it happened. It’s just voice controlled and no camera so I pretended I was happy, my manager was happy with my input in the meeting and everyone said I’m always so cheery in the mornings. I was just sat there thinking. I’ve just been beat, and now I’m at my laptop giving advice and guidance, and I really don’t know how I’m doing this. I’m sat here now with my laptop, and I’m crying my eyes out because I don’t know what hurts more. Before he left he said I deserved it, and that I made him do it and my job is so easy all I have to do now is open my laptop while he has to drive to work and cry and stress about what I just made him do. I said sorry again and he cuddled me and said it’s okay. Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I feel really sick, and I’m going to carry on working because I have too, and I know I’ve got this because I always do manage I love work. But my head actually physically hurts from what just happened and my ribs are in so much pain. He beat me so hard like never before and he didn’t stop even when I couldn’t get up. I’m sorry this is graphic. I’m trying to remain level headed. I keep breathing slowly through my nose and then mouth, and it stops me from crying. I’m scared for him to come home. He’s text me telling me it’s going to take us a while to get over what happened and telling me I can’t hold this against him or tell anybody. I’m just not feeling very well And I just want to speak to somebody but not somebody who will report anything because I can’t do that, I’m not ready I just need to speak to someone about how I’m feeling

[PurpleCloud]

Thank you so much for this. It was only today I was thinking “I NEED to read some more books around this, I just have too” and I didn’t know where to start. Thank you so so much.

[PurpleCloud]

Soul searcher 18: I’m so happy you left. That inspires me so much. You’re so very strong. I went to work today, and I was really tired but I made it through the day! Me and my partner didn’t have contact throughout the day and so I thought he was giving me space, but on the way home I was in the car with my friend and he text me telling me he knows I’ve turned my phone off/ blocked him because my phone won’t call out. My phone wouldn’t call out because we were stuck in traffic with hardly any signal. I called him up to explain, just so that I knew when we got home there wouldn’t be an argument. He was on speaker because my phone (broken old one) barely works which he’s forgetting is because of him. On speaker my friend said hi and explained the traffic (she was worried he would be mad with me) but he hung up as soon as he heard her talking. I’m just so sleepy again. The good news is.. I text my brother this morning and said hey, he’s my big bro and my favourite person in the world. He asked how things were and I said not great actually and told him my partner had broken my phone. He said he was just waiting for me to message and he’s been thinking of the situation everyday since lockdown. He told me to sort my driving licence out (I rely on public transport at the moment) and told me to continue to save. He knows I’m not mentally ready to leave yet, but he also knows how strong I am and that I can and will keep myself safe. Thank you so much for checking on me, I can’t describe how thoughtful you are/ have made me feel. PurpleCloud

[PurpleCloud]

@empoweredhealing – 💓 I hope you well? 💓

[PurpleCloud]

@iliketea – I’m so happy you read this post, I was hoping you would!! Thanks for everything @iliketea – I often think about you and yours posts, you supported me to leave, and to make the right decision. This forum is absolutely amazing. You know, I didn’t tell my Dad about what happened, I just couldn’t. But having this forum is incredible because you ALL understand, NOBODY is judgemental, and I can just be myself and honest and honestly.. that’s all I want out of life now, to be unapologetically me, and I want all ladies on here to strive for the same. Even on the bad days, we come on here, and that shows how strong we really are.. reaching out is the first step, and from there you just become stronger and stronger and then we leave. When I see posts asking “is this abuse” – I remember me feeling the same, and asking the same, and I was embarrassed I had to ask that but little did I know that was the day everything started to change.. it gets worse before it gets better, but when it gets better, it only gets better and better as we begin to take the right steps to freedom. I really hope you are doing well @iliketea 💓💓💓

[PurpleCloud]

@watersprite – I remember those exact words too. I remember each and every word. Thank you so much. I can’t believe I stayed in something so bad and dangerous for so long. I know we all feel this eventually, but we are the fortunate ones being able to reflect, knowing we are now safe. Without you, without the ladies on women’s aid I wouldn’t have been able to write this post. I feel so appreciative 💓

[PurpleCloud]

💓x

[PurpleCloud]

And so are you 💓x

[PurpleCloud]

Hi watersprite. Thanks so much. All of your posts are making me so emotional. Thank you for you kind words, frequent advice and just supporting me. I could not have done this without this forum and I say that wholeheartedly.
In terms of my belongings, I know what everybody’s saying. The issue for me is I believe he’s taken so much of me, and I don’t want him to take what I have as well. I know it sounds mad, but it’s just how I feel.
Do you have any recommendations for support post relationship. My mind hurts. It really hurts.
With the police, he’s made threats for if I tell the police so my brain is of the view to just not tell them and it will be better?
Please advise? He’s told me there will be significant consequences if I tell the police and I know because I’m young it won’t be taken seriously and he’s VERY clever. He will persuade them what I was saying was lies and then he’d definitely mad at me. Thanks for responding <3

[PurpleCloud]

iliketea – I PROMISE you when I say this, I have not stopped thinking about your posts to me. I cannot thank you enough for your support, and all of the other fantastic ladies on here. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling. I’m finding it extremely hard to be alone with my own thoughts. And him messaging me is not helping. My brain hasn’t felt this messy in a long time, and I know that sounds weird because I’m out and safe but I’ve never really had to reflect on this, and I’ve never really had the energy too. So now I do, it’s too much. And I’m telling people how I feel and I’m not used to being honest. I have to really think about how I feel and reassure myself it’s a safe space to be honest now. I miss him like hell. I don’t know what I miss. When I think about what he’s done it truly is outrageous. You know, I used to talk to you on here and explain what’s been going on but I never truly linked what I was writing to myself, to PurpleCloud. Felt as if I was just working and documenting a complex case. I was immune to this madness. Does that make sense? You know how I’m telling friends and family, I feel guilty and embarrassed to tell them. Is this normal? Like, I feel as if I shouldn’t be telling anybody and worried they’ll be upset with him when there was lots of good times too and that’s why I stayed. Do you have any advice on how to manage how I’m feeling? I’m sorry, I know that’s such a huge and unrealistic question it’s just I’m a bit worried about how my brain is feeling I don’t feel very well at all.
Thanks again iliketea. I have always remembered your handle name, and I’m never going to forget it. This forum helped me leave, without this forum I truly believe I’d never have even considered this was abnormal. You can be the most clever and beautiful person in the world and this can still happen to you. And I now truly know and believe that <3

[PurpleCloud]

Hi ISOPeace – thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I hear you when you say that about my things. We haven’t officially broken up (in my head it’s done) but he doesn’t know yet because I’m trying to do it as safely as possible. That did cross my mind and concerned me in terms of how I’d feel when I see him. He’s texting me as “normal” at the moment and it’s really hard.. BUT if there’s one thing I actually know about me, it’s once I’ve started to talk openly about something to family and friends I’m serious and there’s no going back. My family and friends have said to me because it’s my safety, they can’t allow me to go back and they’ll take action if I do. So that’s the support I need. I will get my things, explain it’s over and leave. My brothers will be there too. It’s hard, I’m finding the nights hard especially. I feel sick, but.. every time I think of the last incident I remember I’m not safe if I go back. We have all got to do what’s right and not what our heart feels. We’re good people, and we have been conditioned to only see the good. To break that cycle we have to stay away, and be open, and allow ourselves to heal. Easier said than done, my heart is physically hurting. But we have too. <3

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