Sad and alone

[Sad and alone]

Just to say you’re not alone. I am at the same point as you where you feel you just cannot carry on but don’t have the strength to make a move to change things. When you’ve been with someone a long time you are reliant on them and you have built a life. It’s hard to leave that behind.
Don’t worry about any future relationship yet – think about what you will be able to do for yourself, how you’ll be free to make your own decisions and not walking on eggshells trying to keep someone else happy.
I know it’s a kick in the teeth when things seem to have been improving. Sometimes it’s months and sometimes it only a day or two but you’re always brought back down to earth sooner or later. Just try and stay strong. You are a strong person. You have to be to put up with living this way but you can get out, whether soon or later, you can do it xx

[Sad and alone]

You are amazing. You have recognised your relationship was wrong and had the strength to deal with that in a way that a lot of us can’t even imagine – Leaving. You absolutely have to give yourself time to grieve for your old life. One of the things that holds me back is, even including the bad times, this is my life as I know it. It’s incredibly brave to make those moves to change for yourself. It may feel hard about your kids right now but it will be far healthier for them to have separate parents rather than together and being privy to abuse and upset. Give them time to adjust. All you can do is let them know they are loved. There may have been good times but ultimately you have to remember the bad times and remind yourself of why you left.
This is the end of your life as you know it, but ahead of you is a whole new chapter. Good luck.

[Sad and alone]

I have had this conversation lots of times. Mainly during arguments. He will tell me to get out, he’ll take me to the station and I can leave, but then he won’t actually take me. When I try and have an “adult” conversation and say I think we should go our separate ways he just says no and that I need to change and then things will be better.
Basically what I’m saying is that I think it is normal behaviour for them to not accept that you will leave. They will try and manipulate the situation emotionally or maybe even physically. Just because he hasn’t been physical before doesn’t mean he won’t ever be, and if he is an abuser then losing control of the situation is not something that he will be okay with and could force him to escalate his behaviour.
Maybe you could chat online here or contact your local DA centre to talk through your plan so they can help you do it in the safest way possible. As already said, it may be best if you’re all set up and have somewhere to go, to do it when he’s not there.
Good luck. I admire anyone that pulls themself out of this mess and hope I can as well one day.

[Sad and alone]

I’ve said to him during arguments or “discussions” you say all these things to me, call me all these names, criticise, put down etc etc, why do you think I would then want to “make love”? Am I meant to forget that you called me nasty and horrible? But not that nasty and horrible that you wouldn’t have sex with me? I’ve said I have more respect for myself than to be intimate with someone that in the next breath could be declaring I’m a horrible b*tch. And he says he gets it. But it doesn’t stop the little digs or childish comments which just make me feel more uncomfortable. I once thought maybe we weren’t having sex that much and maybe that was the problem and that maybe he would respect me more if we did it more. Like he’d feel more love toward me. It was hard as whether it’s the situation over time or just me but sex is not something I’m that interested in but I made an effort and all seemed well for a couple of months, only for it to suddenly go downhill again. The thought of it now… just no. But I know that’s not a relationship either so… The trouble is I could get sucked back in to thinking well let’s start a physical relationship again and see if things improve because he makes the little comments and I feel bad.

[Sad and alone]

Although I know we are all living with our abusers at some point how does it even work after you’ve separated? Do you just carry on as normal, sharing meals etc, or do you live completely independently from one another? I’m so sorry. It’s so difficult, all of it. At least you’re making moves to get out.

I don’t know how they change either. Although some opinion is that they were never nice and always knew what they were doing. But I find that hard to believe. I used to feel so loved and cared for which in turn means you love and care for them. He changed after a few years. Always felt like he was controlling but I was very young and didn’t object as saw him as looking after me. He then said he wasn’t buying me presents any more for occasions as he thought he’d spoilt me. Again I wasn’t too bothered as I didn’t want for anything and I wasn’t a child, but in retrospect it was a very weird stance to take, to not even get a token gift to celebrate things. Now it’s degenerated into an almost permanent state of misery as he accuses me of things and vice versa. I don’t feel I can leave just yet but equally cannot let myself stay with this person. He’s not the person I married or committed to. It’s very sad. And sad that the end is so complicated too, whereas a “normal” couple would recognise when they’re relationship had had its day and not keep flogging a dead horse.

[Sad and alone]

Just wanted to say we are in the same place. The criticism and ridiculing. Being told how lucky I am. Feeling of walking on eggshells one minute, then it feels like how things were when we first met and in a good place, then something will trigger him and it’ll be nasty. I posted here once to ask is it not a mental problem, being an abuser. Like the way they think, they genuinely think they’re right in what they say and do. But they said no it’s not a mental disorder and saying that is like excusing them for their behaviour. But I still think it is. Because their actions aren’t that of a normal person. Not rational. Without empathy.
I don’t want to be in my life anymore. I’ve been told you can list a lot of reasons as to what’s stopping you going and then work through each one and find a solution. I have just one reason left now. It’s taken a while but I think I can leave everything else behind. But I cannot leave my elderly pet.
Have a live chat here or contact your local DA centre. Your GP could help too pointing you in the right direction. Getting some facts and a plan will help.
I think it is very overwhelming, your whole life will change. This chapter will be over and you’ll be starting a new one. The unknown is always very daunting. But I hope we can all find happiness one day, no matter how long it takes us xx

[Sad and alone]

And why are they always playing the victim?
He’s saying how he doesn’t feel well, how I’m making him ill, how he’s got ulcers etc.

The other day I was doing my own thing with other people and he said how he’d been bored all day and left out and made to feel uncomfortable in his own home and how I just gave him dirty looks and didn’t think to ask him to join in. This was after (timeframe removed by Moderator) where he ranted on how I was horrible and nasty and frigid. But I’m meant to forget that and be concerned about him??! Or he wanted to go out for the afternoon and I’ve ruined it because I got on and was doing something else after he chose to create an argument once again. He never once came to me and said did I still want to go. Which I didn’t anyway. But then still making comments about how he wanted to go out as if to make me feel guilty about it. I am tired of being made out to be this evil person all the time. I haven’t done anything! He said to me could we just move on and get past this recent argument but then promptly started rehashing it all over again. I said yes I’m not interested in arguing but he has to start telling me the same things that started the whole argument off in the first place. Then he moans and says what another great day it’s been. It wasn’t any of my doing. I didn’t choose to come in and start criticising and complaining about something in the past that I can’t change. He says he knows I can’t change it but it doesn’t stop him from going on about it.
Still feeling tight chested. Feel I’m being constantly judged and monitored. Starting to feel like I’m getting upset all the time like I did before. I went to the GP and went on HRT to try and even my moods out and think it helped but I’m starting to struggle to cope again. There’s only so much you can take.

[Sad and alone]

I stayed away from him after the argument. It wasn’t resolved but it never is unless I say sorry, all my fault. Thought I’d do some business related stuff. Gets backlogged as when I do it I’m always questioned about what I’m doing and why’s it taking so long, how it’s not complicated and shouldn’t be taking up so much time. Of course it happened again. Making out I’m slow and incompetent, saying I should ask him for help. Have said I don’t need his help, just need to be left alone. He keeps calling me mental and not all there. He keeps lying saying I’m doing this thing twice a week so why am I still doing it now when I haven’t done it for ages. I think he’s trying to convince me I am going mad. I don’t know why he keeps lying. I don’t know why he can’t leave me alone. I feel like something bad is going to happen one way or another. There’s no winning. Keep hearing about how he wants to be appreciated and then when I say thank you for doing something he says he doesn’t want thank yous as it’s just words. I’ve asked him how does he want me to show I appreciate him and I think this is really his new thing although he hasn’t said it but that I should act the way he wants to show I appreciate him. I’m so sick of him. Sick of it all. I hate my life. So sad as on the outside I am so lucky but inside I am unbearably unhappy and tired of being hounded and moaned at and shouted at and then having him act like it was all my fault and we should call a truce after arguing all fucking day like he’s sensible and I’m a lunatic. He’ll say how he wanted to go out somewhere for the afternoon but I didn’t come outside and now it’s too late like he wants me to regret something but I don’t want to go anywhere with him and be all chatty and feel like normal when I know it’s not and it’s all fucking fake.
So tired. I’m getting tight chested and trying to calm down. But so tired.

[Sad and alone]

No you’re not overreacting. You’re obviously feeling fragile with the emotional abuse starting again which is probably why you got upset about his “joke”. If things were normal between you you may well have been able to react to it as a joke, (detail removed by Moderator) laugh and say don’t say it again. But things aren’t normal when you’re feeling emotional, his “joke” backfires and you get upset, and his response is to get angry about it. He should be apologising and then trying to resolve the obvious underlying issues that have made you upset.
What he’s done is a classic – you’re the one that’s upset or been wronged, but he’s twisted it around to make out he’s the injured party and make you feel bad. Which has obviously worked.
Would it be worth putting it to him about couples counselling again? If you feel it worked before? From what I’ve read though if there is an abuser in the relationship it’s not usually successful.
Maybe live chat with women’s aid for some pointers and advice?

Take care and keep posting xx

[Sad and alone]

So tired of this cycle.
Had a couple of nice evenings. Trying all the time to be conscious of what I’m doing or saying. Hate it when things feel like normal, like how I remember times when things were good between us. Like we’re a normal couple.
Then he’ll come in and something will have triggered him. And he starts talking about something that happened before and how I’m a horrible person. Even when I admit I was wrong about something he’ll still drag it up again and say I was horrible or nasty.
He says I need to get cancer as then I’ll realise how good I’ve got things. He says I need to smash my head against a wall to knock some sense into it.

[Sad and alone]

Thank you Lisa.
I do recognise when I say something that he knows is true he’ll try and divert the dialogue elsewhere as well. Kind of twisting it so he can carry on criticising. It’s so tiring. I’m tired of being told I’m horrible and nasty all the time. And of bringing up incidents from the past and going on about what I did when I can’t change it even if I recognise that I was wrong.

[Sad and alone]

This sounds amazing. I’m so happy for you. Anyone that can make that break is so strong and I admire you. Best of luck xx

[Sad and alone]

This resonates with me a lot. I don’t think you can say it’s unintentional as they’re making the choice to act this way or say the things they do.

If I agree with him that’s fine. If I disagree with him he immediately accuses me of arguing or fighting against him. I can say things quite innocently and he will take offence and an argument will ensue. So not just me responding to something he’s said but I also feel like I can’t be certain about not saying something he’s going to kick off at.

Trying to defend or stick up for yourself leads to being called a ton of things that aren’t true. Being accused of being a liar is one of them, even though I know what I’ve said is true. They try and twist things and make you doubt yourself. This isn’t accidental. They’re making choices to do this and it’s hard to comprehend why but it’s what’s happening.

You said he isn’t from the UK – could there be a cultural difference playing a part?

A live chat with Women’s Aid could help you in the first instance. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this – can guarantee you have done nothing to deserve this sort of behaviour.

 

[Sad and alone]

Your post rings a lot of bells. You’re not alone. Sadly I have spent over twice the amount of time you have with my other half. Not all of that time was bad, although he makes out it was now, but I refuse to believe we didn’t have a good period. How I could’ve been so stupid for so long. He twists things around and tries to make me doubt myself and my memories. But when it gets to this stage you do feel like it’s all been a waste.

It sounds like you’re in between a rock and a hard place at the moment. Have you agreed to go separate ways? Is he refusing to sell? It may be an idea to do a live chat here where someone could give you some guidance. It’s all very overwhelming I know. So sorry this has happened to you. To have everything you believed turned upside down is not fair, and not your fault.

[Sad and alone]

He came back and has said he’s had enough and he doesn’t care about anything. I hate it as it makes me start thinking I have just been awful and didn’t realise or care about him. How I’m ungrateful. You argue so much it all becomes a fog and I can’t think straight and sometimes can’t think what started it all.
I’ve said I can’t let people down with the business. I can’t cancel things at short notice. He’s damaged part of the property and I’ve said he needs to fix it. Also that I can’t go as (detail removed by Moderator) and if he’s not going to deal with I need to. I can’t afford to lose money. But I wish I could just go. My poor dog is too old to move. He gets confused. I worry he won’t care for him properly or that he’ll get wound up by him and he’ll lose patience with him.
If I hadn’t said the words emotional abuse we may have got past this but it seems to have triggered something.

[Sad and alone]

That cycle of them being “normal” and then out of nowhere switching to abuse is exhausting. It puts you on edge. You can’t trust anything. But you still get sucked back in when things are calm because I think we crave that normality. It brings us peace. Because of the disruption and the upset that’s caused you take any quiet time you can. But then you start questioning yourself. Like if they can be like this there must be something you’re doing to ruin it all. Even when he’s talking a load of crap about me, and I know in my heart I haven’t done anything wrong, it gets in your head. It’s a very manipulative situation and one that’s hard to get out of. Accepting that the one person that’s meant to be on your side is acting this way towards you is very difficult. He’s obviously noticed you feeling stronger as he’s now trying to manipulate again by saying what he knows you want to hear. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. But you’re not alone – post here and read others accounts and it’ll confirm that it’s not you, it’s him.

[Sad and alone]

Thank you Lisa. Ironically my relative did message me the day after I posted this and asked how things were going. Maybe you are right and they didn’t want to intrude. I think maybe because I know how awful that day was, how long and exhausting and all the rest of it, it felt like a big issue but they didn’t know the whole story. I don’t have many people in my life and this is the person I would turn to first and with him saying no one cares about me it probably got in my head.

[Sad and alone]

So sorry, this sounds heartbreaking for your child to be exposed to this behaviour and acknowledge it.
Just wanted to confirm that you haven’t done anything wrong. This is a common thing. It’s always my fault too. I’m to blame. I make him do and say things. I never realised I had such powers but apparently I do! If I didn’t do or say xyz he wouldn’t have to call me names or criticise me or pick me apart as a person. And if I respond to his behaviour with anger he turns it round – See! Look at the way you’re behaving. You’re mental. You need help. You’re the one that’s shouting.

The swinging between this behaviour and the “normal” behaviour is hard because when things are “normal” it’s easy to put the bad to the back of your mind because you’re grateful for the peace.

It will destroy your love for them in the end, you can’t go on forever, it’ll come at different times for different people but you’ll get to the point where you just don’t feel anything for them.

Try and stay strong. Post on here or live chat with Women’s Aid, get some support locally. It’s hard being alone in these relationships.

[Sad and alone]

@Indeepindance I think I remember you posting here whilst you were still in your relationship so just wanted to say if I haven’t on another post before, well done. You’ve done something a lot of us can’t bring ourselves to do for one reason or another.
Leaving is a massive hurdle. So big I can’t imagine it. To come out on the other side is incredible. But I don’t imagine it to be easy. The stress, both of being in and navigating your relationship, and the actual separation, must be phenomenal. Your body is probably taking a knock, I believe it’s all linked, how you feel mentally can affect you physically.
Could you start doing things to make you feel better? Maybe have your hair or nails done, a change of imaged, something aesthetic that you can look at and feel good about?
Are you generally feeling unhappy anyway? Maybe focus on doing some things that make you happy. That would make you feel better inside first?

I would take a guess that what you imagine you see in the mirror is not how you are. We’re put down and criticised and disregarded so much that we don’t think much of ourselves. Our confidence is shot and it’s hard to feel good or not be self critical.

Your life is definitely not over – it’s just beginning. Treat yourself to some love and be proud of who you are. You’ve done something I can’t even fathom and that’s amazing. Things will take time but they’ll come into place xx

[Sad and alone]

Like Better-days I too started reading your post and actually scrolled to see if it was something I’d started. We’re in exactly the same boat, don’t feel like it’s just you that’s stayed too long. I understand those feelings. I feel almost like a fraud even being here. Like if it were that bad I’d surely have gone by now. I don’t even have kids to worry about but there are other important aspects to my life I’ve felt like I can’t leave behind.
If you make an appointment with your local DA centre your partner will not be involved in any way to be able to manipulate the situation. In addition it’s your evidence that something is happening should you need it. They will take your details and ask you to tell them what’s been happening. Don’t get me wrong, I started crying when they referred to my husband as my abuser. It’s a massive mental hurdle to get over. But they can help. Give you advice according to your situation. Mind you I went two years ago now and am still in the same boat. But I felt proud for a moment when I did it.
Please keep posting here for help and advice. We’re all in this together and can help each other. I wish you the strength to make a little move at least. Your GP could help too, at least have it on another record of it somewhere. But ultimately they will prob refer you to the DA services.
Take care xx

[Sad and alone]

Your post caught my eye as I get called this too amongst many other things. It is really hurtful and the fact that he continues to do it despite knowing that it upsets you says that he doesn’t really care. If he is hurt or upset about something why does that make you a moron? Have you been with him a long time or is it a relatively new relationship? Either way this is a massive red flag, trying to put more emphasis on his feelings and disregarding yours, and – assuming the reason he is upset is because you’ve had a disagreement –  pretty much saying it’s your fault he calls you this.

[Sad and alone]

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your situation. Pets are so important to us and it’s extremely unfair to make you feel that way about your obviously much-loved cat. I could only assume this is just another way to get to you, especially if the goalposts keep changing. Another way to try and exert control. Has the cat always done it over the past (timeframe removed by Moderator) years or is it a recent thing?

I understand the situation in a way, the main reason I am still in the relationship is because I have an elderly pet that I wouldn’t be able to take with me but that I would worry wouldn’t be looked after properly if I left. He generally loves animals, and the pet, but he can get wound up by certain behaviours and then call the pet a name or say they’re doing whatever on purpose. I worry he would lose patience, not be able to deal with its health needs, and use this as an excuse for the pet to be put down.

So I absolutely get it. These animals are often a major source of comfort and you shouldn’t have to feel they’re being threatened. Could you make it clear to him that you are upset by this? Would he care? Appreciate that he might not. But at least you can know that you have ticked the box of making sure he’s aware of how you feel. So that if he continues in such a manner that you know he is doing it to upset you.

Take care of yourself and your precious cat xx

[Sad and alone]

Thank you.

I just get sick and tired of all the comments. And I can’t say anything else it’ll lead to an argument. I can’t say anything against him or the way he is without being told I’m “fighting” him. So then it’s almost like his behaviour is never challenged so he’ll carry on with it. But then he’ll start saying to me how you should always try in life and not give up. I can’t try any more. But if I say this he says I don’t do anything. I’m up against a brick wall with it all. I don’t want to be in this relationship if I’m honest, but it’s a struggle to leave the many, many years of my life as I know it behind. Even if they have been unhappy years. It doesn’t make sense but here I am still. There is no intimacy and I don’t feel that way towards him. There is nothing attractive about a man that shouts and calls you names and criticises and disregards everything that’s said. That has such contempt and lack of respect. What sort of relationship is that?

 

[Sad and alone]

I remember this. It sounds like this person that was meant to be helping you is just another abuser. No professional would a) take advantage of you at such a vulnerable time, whether you reciprocated or not and b) tell you you deserve what you get as you choose to stay. If this person is touting themselves as a professional then they’re a fraud. I think you should steer well clear as this man is not even a friend to you.

Like you I feel stupid for still being here. Almost two years ago now I went to see my local DA help centre and yet here I am. Still going through the same cycle. I’ve also had the same issue with work and gave up fighting. Originally it was because he said he earned more and I had to take care of our pet. Not kids. Our pet. I changed to part time but then that wasn’t good enough either. If I was pleased with something I’d done at work, or if I’d earned double time or something, he’d belittle it and say my job was for school leavers and a monkey could do it. He didn’t appreciate the way working and earning makes you feel good. What does it matter what you do? I did a job for two weeks a few years back, something I really wanted to do. Confirmed with him more than once he was okay with it and he said yes, but every day I came home he was miserable and moaning and shouting about being left to sort things out. I would be excited about what I’d done and want to tell him about it but he was just horrid. Now he always comments on how I should be bringing money in but he won’t let me get a job. He says if I have a job I need to be earning 30 or 40k a year as that’s what kids earn when they leave school. In a normal world I’d pick up a little part time job and that would top our funds up and it wouldn’t be important how. But not with him.

So anyway, I’m here with you. We’re in the same place right now I think. Can’t forget and damn tired of forgiving. Don’t give up hope of a better life ahead. We’ll get there, however long it takes xx

[Sad and alone]

Hello and welcome.

You and I are very similar. Anxiety and panic attacks come with the territory due to the unpredictable nature of them. My timeframe is slightly longer but we have no children and I am at the point where I feel my dog is the only thing keeping me here. He’s very old now and I can’t bear to lose him as he’s been such an important part of my life and has given me love and happiness when I haven’t had it elsewhere.

My relationship is no longer physical but unlike you I am pretty okay with that although I miss a cuddle and that sort of thing I don’t want sex. I just feel uncomfortable with someone who can turn on me in an instant and who has said and done the things he has. I can’t forget, and after years of it I’m no longer able to forgive. I don’t trust him anymore is the bottom line. I don’t know what it says about our marriage. He used to complain before when sex wasn’t happening much and say how it’s not normal doing stuff himself. Although I thought most men did anyway! We still sleep in the same bed. I don’t know how you get to the point where you’re in separate beds or rooms. It’s probably what we should do but then we should probably go our separate ways too and that hasn’t happened either.

If your other half knows you want to have sex he’ll just use this as another way to have control over the situation. It’ll only be okay when he says it’s okay.

I can’t say I have much feelings left for my husband other than general care as we’ve been together so long. It must be hard to feel in love with someone that mistreats you in such a way. How does he react if you tell him how you feel?

You will find lots of women in the same or similar situations. I find just reading other people’s posts a kind of comfort that we’re not alone and these things are really happening and it’s not right.

[Sad and alone]

And then later I see a personality on tv and comment on how he’s been found out for being abusive to his wife. And my husband makes a comment like maybe his wife had done what I did earlier and laughs about it like it’s a joke. I think he’s looking for me to laugh about it too. Like ha ha, it was all something over nothing. Like that complete destruction of who I am was just a joke. Listening to how I’m a failure and always have been etc. That’s just a joke.

[Sad and alone]

Thank you. Your number of years was moderated but I’m guessing it was quite a few. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in this situation.

[Sad and alone]

Thank you. I hope we get there someday too xx

[Sad and alone]

I know the rearranging thing well. I have a business and he says it’s mine and my responsibility,  but if he doesn’t agree with something he will change it. This could even be something like the angle of a (item removed by Moderator). He comes in behind me altering the position of items. It’s so controlling. And if I say why are you doing that he says it’s because it’s better his way and how I don’t understand what people like because I’ve got no sense of (detail removed by Moderator). And he has! So basically I am encouraged to have ideas and make suggestions but unless it’s what he thinks it won’t happen.  It’s just horrible really. He always makes these claims about what people like but it’s just rubbish. I don’t know where these statistics come from.
Also frustrating when you’re spoken about in that way – “people”. I have to hear about “you humans” or “you women”. He’ll make comments about women and I’ll say that’s being sexist and he’ll deny it but as soon as you start saying things like that what else is it? Because it’s never anything positive after those two words. Hate being spoken about as if I’m not there. Or they make reference to “people” that sulk or cry or feel sorry for themselves etc and you know it’s aimed at you but they think by saying people instead they can deny any wrongdoing.

Sorry you’re experiencing this as well. I’ve been here way too long and should have sorted myself out by now.

[Sad and alone]

What is it with everything being our fault? I get blamed for things that I have no control over sometimes. And then things that have gone wrong because of something I’ve done I don’t hear the end of. You know when you punish yourself enough and you don’t need someone else going on about it? And the stupid thing is when he makes a mistake I try and make him feel better, say not to worry, we’ll sort things out, it couldn’t be helped etc. I don’t know why. Even when I ask for example where something is the response is he hasn’t touched it. Not what I asked. But just so ready to proclaim their innocence.
The verbal and emotional is exhausting. It really grinds you down. The ups and downs of it all. How one minute you relax and think things are going okay and then all of a sudden he’ll take offence to a comment you make. I literally look forward to going to sleep some days so I don’t have to listen to him.

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