Sad and alone

[Sad and alone]

The morning following this he seemed a little distant. I carried on as normal. We did things together fine. We decided to go out as (detail removed by moderator) but not long gone and he said it was a mistake and went to leave. He said I wasn’t talking to him, I was just on my phone all the time and how he looks at everyone else having a good time. He started shouting the usual, how I was a sh!t wife etc. I hadn’t made an effort to make sure he had a nice day. I didn’t even see a problem as we had been talking and were going to sit down and chill out for an hour, I didn’t realise that meant loads of conversation or messing around! Apparently in the morning he was normal and I was “being funny”. He always says how much I’m on my phone which is untrue. So we drove home and I then raised the calling it a day thing and said what were we doing. He says he does love me and wants to make it work but I am just tired. Since then normal critical behaviour over an incident, carrying on telling me stuff about something as if I don’t know, and then saying how we hadn’t been able to do something as I was useless and should know better and starts with (detail removed by moderator) It drives me insane, not only lumping me in with everyone else but carrying on as if he’s something above everyone else. (detail removed by moderator) It’s draining listening to so much negativity all the time. And he’ll say he’s not negative he’s speaking the truth.
I don’t think he’ll ever agree to split up. He says it’ll be a nightmare sorting out stuff out, our place needs refurbing to sell, we’re lucky and should appreciate where we live. I try and say none of this is reason to stay if we don’t get on and he sort of agrees but then starts saying other things to try and reason staying together.

[Sad and alone]

I think it’s only natural to want to do nice things for your life’s partner. The trouble is the things you do are not what they want, or not good enough. Even when I go food shopping I’m thinking of things he’d like. He hasn’t got me anything for Christmas or birthday for years. He stopped because he said he thought he’d spoilt me and that’s why I am the way I am. Whatever that is. But I still get him a couple of things to open. When it’s come up in discussion he says he got me this or that at some other time of the year. Of which I’m grateful for, albeit I never realise at the time these things are specifically for me, but I tried explaining it’s just the thought. Just a box of chocs or something would mean something. Wish I could switch off trying to be normal sometimes!

[Sad and alone]

Just wanted to say this isn’t an overreaction at all. I’ve had exactly the same thing. There’s something about being called horrible, it’s really an emotive word. I’ve also gone to bed and been woken up being told these sort of things too. Or he’ll go for a shower and I think we’re okay but when he gets out he’s in a mood again. Like he’s gone over things in his head and found something to be displeased about. Or just churning up things you thought had already been resolved.
When I had a phone call to say my Mum was dying and to come quickly his reaction was who was going to (detail removed by Moderator). He had to go to work and not fair on him. My Mum was literally dying and he made me feel bad to the point I said I’d (detail removed by Moderator). He then said no don’t worry about it. I always think if I had (detail removed by Moderator) I’d have missed saying goodbye to my Mum as she was pretty much gone when I got there. I always think of this as an example of how things have deteriorated as when my Dad passed a few years before he was different. He even offered to come with me, to which I said no not to worry as at that point all I knew was that he’d been rushed to hospital and my siblings were going to be there too anyway. And then after I knew he’d died he again offered to come and be with me and was concerned about how I felt. From that to literally not giving a toss. And that was years ago now and I’m still here. So if you’re getting some strength to move on good for you xx

[Sad and alone]

So sorry you’re feeling this way. I totally get the feeling of having everything yet being sad and feeling like you’re trapped.
It’s horrible how this has been twisted round to make you feel like you were in the wrong about everything. You were leaving for a reason and that reason is still valid. You can forgive all you want but you don’t forget, and eventually those memories will build up and up and create a barrier to being able to move forwards with this person, even if you wanted to.
He obviously isn’t “better”. You say it’s calm but it’s still got times of nastiness and feeling on edge. You shouldn’t have to feel that way and it’ll only build back up to him blowing up again. He’ll try and contain it for so long but he won’t be able to keep a lid on it. This is why it’s a cycle. I’ve had periods of calm before, really tried to brush off the little side comments and think to myself I’m just being over sensitive and to get on with life but inevitably it cycles back round to a big blowout and it’s back to square one.
I hope you feel better tomorrow. It’s so hard thinking about leaving your life as you know it behind, but just as hard imagining your life continuing as it is. It’s true limbo. You’re not alone here. Keep posting xx

[Sad and alone]

Recognise many similarities here, especially being told I never initiate sex. He tells me I always rejected him so now he doesn’t bother trying. Which is untrue, and also contradicts me never initiating as if he says he isn’t bothering and I’m not initiating how does it happen? Not that it does anymore! I tried to make a conscious effort to be intimate once a week thinking maybe this was an issue and why he was the way he is towards me. That if we were physically closer, he’d be nicer. But although things seemed to get better for two or three months it all went to sh!t again as usual. I say to him when he is the way he is it doesn’t make me attracted to him in any way. But I don’t think he gets it. Or he’s accepted it. I don’t know.
If I try and have an opinion of my own, different to his, I’m fighting him. We can never have a discussion about anything as he only wants me to agree with him about everything. I will try and remain calm but he will start shouting.
I get told he can’t believe he’s still mentally all there having to put up with me. How I’m a rotten wife and always have been. He trounces our entire life together, which is sad as it makes me feel like I’ve wasted mine, even though I know things weren’t always this way.
I can’t say he’s obsessed with anything, unless it’s obsessed with constantly telling me I am no good as I am and need to change! But wanted to just share that you’re not alone in what you’re experiencing. Hope you have a better day tomorrow xx

[Sad and alone]

I get what you mean. When you’re in the midst of it all kicking off it feels like if you could click your fingers and be away from it it would be great. However if you leave suddenly you are more likely to question your decision – have you been too hasty, was it a snap decision, do you really want to leave. And it’ll prob be compounded by him calling you asking you to come back.
I left once and drove to a relations about (detail removed by Moderator) hours away. I didn’t tell him I was going – he had left to do a job. He couldn’t believe it when he called me and I told him where I was. He said he didn’t know and hadn’t put our animals away and they were out in the dark with no food etc. Trying to make me feel bad, never mind he’d smashed up furniture which hit me, screamed and shouted at me. He made me feel bad for leaving. To the point I wanted to come back as I felt I had overreacted. I’ve never gone as far since but when I do leave, because I want to get away from him, he always calls and asks me to come back and sort things out. Which just means me accepting I was wrong and need to change the way I am.
So in short, although your emotions and will to leave may feel the strongest during an argument, you are more likely to go straight back again.

[Sad and alone]

I had a conversation not long ago during which we both acknowledged that we don’t get on and I said I don’t see any other option than to split up. He seemed to agree, said he hadn’t wanted things to end up this way. Then said leave it a couple of days and see how we feel. Am sure he said this. It’s now much longer and nothing said again. Have been shouted at and verbally abused more than once during that time. It’s like it didn’t happen. I keep thinking shall I bring it up as he keeps talking about the future. The problem, although we have no relationship, no intimacy, no love for each other, the thought of all the upheaval and heartache really puts up a barrier.

[Sad and alone]

If you can go – go. Don’t let your mind manifest excuses for staying. You’ve been strong enough to make plans and consider going through with them, you owe it to yourself to push on and get out.
I had an incident this week that I recorded. As I looked at other voice memos I found one from two years ago. Exactly the same stuff being said. Nothing has changed and it never will. They expect you to change to suit them but whatever you do will never be satisfactory and it leads to you punishing yourself, trying to work out what is so bad about you that you need to change anyway?
Imagine what your life could be without their presence. And go for it. Please don’t suffer another year of upset xx

[Sad and alone]

You aren’t useless at all, you just need some help from someone that actually cares about you. Is there anyone you can confide in? Not necessarily about his behaviour, I know how hard that would be, but about your concerns regarding your weight and comfort eating? Someone that could help you figure out a plan? Maybe a GP could point you in the right direction? Really feel for you. It’s hard enough dealing with abuse without having to try and overcome addiction as well.

[Sad and alone]

Being constantly moaned at is exhausting. My husband is never happy. I believe because he creates situations that lead to arguments or unhappiness. I have said to him before he could choose to be happy. We have a great place etc, he doesn’t have to moan every day. Some days are okay, others aren’t, and often I don’t see the build up coming, it’s just suddenly a situation and he’s complaining and shouting at me. If I get upset as a result I get told to stop feeling sorry for myself. It will chip away at you, your confidence and self esteem.
Is it a long relationship? Would it be possible to leave? Have you asked him why he’s doing it? The behaviour will only worsen as he gets away with it more.

[Sad and alone]

Why do we put up with it?! I feel I am constantly getting digs and it’s exhausting dealing with it. And then all the small things tot up so even thought they seem small individually when you put them all together it is an issue. You can be grumpy if you’re unwell but no one should be permanently unwell to use that as an excuse to do it all the time.
I get tired of it. This week I made a comment about something, literally an observation, not a joke but like “would you believe that!” and I get told I’ve got better things to worry about than that. This annoys me as I never said I was worried about anything, I was just making a passing comment. So not a big thing but the response is still not what you expect.
Sorry for rambling, it’s been one of those days.

[Sad and alone]

This sounds very scary, please keep yourself safe and don’t be afraid to ring for help if you’re concerned about any of his behaviour. It’s bad enough when they are the way they are without the added fuel of alcohol.
Try and remember you will never win with these people. They will always be right and you’ll never get them to see or understand your point of view or how you’re feeling. I’ve tried to talk about issues calmly before but he gets irate and says I want an argument or I’m fighting him. Usually I just say he’s right if I feel something escalating and sometimes this dampens the situation down a bit. Even though I don’t mean it.
If you left before you can do it again. And this time you have more knowledge and strength and can say you’re definitely going to cut all ties and not go back, because you’ve now found out what happens if you do. It all goes back to how it was before. Take care of yourself and stay safe xx

[Sad and alone]

Just wanted to share and say you’re definitely not alone in being made to feel this way. In recent altercations I recognise that I am acting as bad as he is. I used to just get upset and cry and now I’m angry. Maybe it’s a process we go through, like different stages. Like you I am not one for confrontation and hate arguing and am pretty laid back and relaxed but I feel the more that happens the more it builds up in me and then it explodes. He’ll antagonise me by acting a certain way, or saying something upsetting, or doing something he knows I don’t like. Then he says I’ve got issues, am mental or crazy. I hate it as it’s the exact behaviour we experience ourselves and I don’t want to be like that but I’m just so frustrated at the same old sh!t happening again and again.
So when these things happen, and you get mad or whatever, just remember that moment does not define you as a person. It doesn’t make you the abuser. You wouldn’t choose to act that way unless there was a reason. I get told I push his buttons and this is why he starts insulting me or on the odd occasion being physical. It’s the old “you made me do it” thing. And that’s the way I feel, like he’s pushed my buttons. But if he wasn’t acting the way he did in the first place to upset me nobody’s buttons would be pushed. After serious altercations he always starts saying how it’s not fair on him, he’s not violent, he shouldn’t feel this way, he doesn’t know how he’s still sane having to put up with me. He says I’m a rotten wife and always have been. I don’t think he loves me, he’s never happy and constantly complaining and moaning about me, and I don’t love him because of that. I imagine it’s harder if you feel you love someone, to imagine moving on, although maybe not as I’m still here.
It is very hard having to constantly question yourself and you can feel like you’re losing who you are. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m just someone that lives in his world and all is fine as long as I live by the rules.

[Sad and alone]

So sorry you’ve had to endure this for so long. It must be extremely difficult, going out and knowing the response it’s going to generate shows you are gaining strength. You’re not giving in to make life easier. And he’ll hate it.
I too have been with my husband for many many years, and when I look back I can now recognise this behaviour, now I’m starting to accept this is what my relationship is. I feel like I’ve wasted the best part of my life being with this person. But I think the only way forward is to focus on the future, and the happiness you can have.
I have not really looked up trauma bonding before but was alarmed when I did at how very relevant it is to me. The only thing I would say is that I don’t think I’m addicted to any positive reinforcement after abuse. Tbh after an instance of abuse these days I get nothing. Unless it was physical and he’ll say sorry but it doesn’t mean anything. But everything else is very true. I think one of the massive issues is believing this person you’ve been with for so long has intentionally acted the way they have. I always wonder if he thinks things out and makes plans about how he’s going to treat me, or whether it’s like a mental illness where they just can’t see their behaviour as wrong??
Anyway, you’re not alone. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, what’s important is that you’re starting to be able to make some changes. He won’t like it, but that doesn’t matter anymore. You are the one that’s important.
Keep posting xx

[Sad and alone]

Whilst time and space is good like you say it lets your mind wander.

Maybe remind yourself of specific incidents and how they made you feel? I try to keep some sort of diary, although it’s pretty dismal reading. I listed all the “major” incidents but they are in my head as well. I try and remember all the things I’ve been called. I look at other couples that look happy on social media (appreciate all may not be as it seems), or on telly. I ask myself would that man talk to his partner that way. Just try and set in your mind how this person treats you. You are where you are right now because things aren’t right.

You aren’t tearing your family apart. Staying where you are if things are not right will do that. You are simply trying to find the life you deserve.

Stay strong. Keep posting. You’re doing great. Don’t let your mind get the better of you!

[Sad and alone]

Feeling apprehensive now.
We have problems with people who live nearby. There are a lot of horrible people in our area. A main accusation I have made against me is that I don’t stick up to people that try and hurt us, I leave it all to him, I’m just a mouse and no one even knows I exist. As he has said I should I had the chance to confront someone that walked past our place and (detail removed by moderator). Whether genuine or not they did say sorry. He then came down and this person said (detail removed by moderator). Now he’s turned on me saying everyone likes me and hates him. How it’s because he’s (detail removed by moderator). He has been right in speaking to these people. I’m not keen on confrontation so have relied on him to speak up for us. He then says this shows I don’t care. He keeps saying I say I don’t care about anything and it’s not true. He’s always putting words in my mouth and trying to convince me I said them. He says all the problems he has externally stem from problems he has internally. I don’t know what else to do!
I can feel the anger building up on me again. I don’t want to react but I don’t know how else to deal with it other than say yes you’re right. I’m worried about it kicking off again.

[Sad and alone]

Did you have any counselling before? I haven’t but feel it could help straighten out thoughts in your head. Sometimes we have so much going round and round, if we could tell someone neutral it might help make things clearer?
This is a good place to be able to freely say what you need to. I think it’s very hard talking to someone you know, especially if they know both of you. I told a relative we “weren’t getting on” and made a few comments but couldn’t say everything that has happened and they just said it’s a long term relationship and things can be harder and when I said I was only staying for my pet they said I didn’t mean it! I wonder what they’d say if I told them all of it.

[Sad and alone]

I don’t know how to respond to him really. If he starts saying things and I don’t say anything he says I’m ignoring him and if I try and stand up for myself it leads to an argument. I feel like I’m living in his world, not the real world, and I am expected to be who he wants me to be. I get held up against people we know, or even people on tv, people he wants me to be like. But everything’s a contradiction. He’ll say he admires so and so who has a large family, kids and a job etc, and I’ll say I’d like a job and then I get told I have responsibilities here and it’d be too much for me. When I did have a job he controlled the hours I worked and said I had to come home for our pet. That he earns all the money and can’t take time off. How many people in this world have pets and manage a job too!! In the end he stopped me taking another job and I haven’t worked for years. I miss that outlet, seeing people. If I show an inkling of being able to deal with things by myself he hates it. Maybe because it’s evidence that I don’t need him to survive. Sometimes it’s something really ridiculous and I say I can manage things without you you know. But he likes to do everything I think as it’s something else he can say he does “for me”.

[Sad and alone]

I’ve told him this. The way he acts towards me means I don’t want anything to do with him, certainly not in a physical way. I say doesn’t he get it? Calling people names, saying they’re stupid, moaning at them all the time… why would that make me want to be nice to him in any way? It means I dislike him. But he says he says these things because they are true so I need to change. If I change I’ll see a change in him. I don’t think I’m a terrible person. I said what is so bad about me? I’ve always been faithful, I don’t buy loads of stuff, I don’t go out all the time, I cook and clean. I never ask for anything. A long time ago he stopped giving me presents for birthdays or Christmas etc. He said he thought I acted the way I did because he’d spoilt me. I’m not in the least materialistic but always thought a little something is a sign that someone thinks of you. I still get him something because I can’t help myself. I fool myself into thinking things are normal? I don’t know if he finally felt bad as last year he said he felt bad at not getting me anything and to pick something I’d like up to the value of x!! I just said don’t worry about it. I don’t know if this was because things had got a little better between us in the run up to Christmas. I thought we might actually be getting somewhere. But then we cycled round again. Should’ve know I guess.
He says you don’t know how good you’ve got it until it’s gone. On the surface I have a life lots of people would dream of and he is the perfect husband in respect of he works hard and does lots of things to keep the place running. It’s prob why it’s hard for me to make a move as I will lose it all. But I care more about that than him and that says it all really. I can’t care about someone that is capable of hurting me.

[Sad and alone]

I’m so sorry you feel this way. I completely understand. I had failed ivf too, wanted to look into adoption instead but he wasn’t keen. He comments that I’d have been a better person if I’d had children. Alluded to me not being a proper woman. Not mature. Not able to do anything for myself without his help.
Also been together for years. First physical abuse was ages ago, and the majority of it since we moved away to a different area. I have no friends and one relative that lives miles away. I also feel depressed, although the degree to which I feel this way varies. Sometimes I feel like I just want to be with my Mum and Dad who have both passed away. It’s very difficult but please try not to punish yourself for his behaviour.
If he’s hurt you once he could do it again. There’s always an excuse and you’re usually the cause of it. There was a large gap between the first time he was violent towards me and the second time, but abuse isn’t always physical.
If you’ve been in touch with DV charities you’re a step ahead of me so well done. Can you go back to them and continue to receive support? They may be able to advise you on next steps, or help you make a decision about what you want to do next. Keep posting here. It helps you to share and others to read and realise we’re all not alone, we have each other, even if it is anonymous words.
Take care xxx

[Sad and alone]

I came back home. He says he’s not doing anything around (detail removed by Moderator), he’s had enough, he’s not appreciated. He says (detail removed by Moderator) I don’t know what we’re doing. He apologised for throwing me around but I told him I didn’t want an apology, it shouldn’t happen in the first place.
I hate the feeling where you want to rewind time and change what happened to cause the argument. I’ve really tried to ignore sarky comments and the moaning but I think it all builds up on me and I end up getting mad. Then he says it’s me causing the trouble as I shouted or allegedly got in his face. I hate being this person, I feel like I lose control of who I am. I’m genuinely a laid back person and will take things as they come but I feel goaded into being angry and am then told it’s my fault. Each thing that happens we have different versions. I don’t make things up but he makes think maybe I did do or say something wrong and that I’m the unreasonable one.
(detail removed by Moderator) I don’t know what that means as I don’t want to spend my life with someone when we obviously don’t really like each other any more. And I don’t want to risk one day getting seriously hurt. We don’t have a physical relationship. And tbh I don’t want one. I don’t want to be with someone that I don’t trust. Or thinks of me the way he does.
I just don’t know how to go about leaving. I don’t know whether to say about it and try and have a normal conversation as I imagine he may get irate and nasty instead of just seeing it as it is and trying to work things out so it’s best for both of us. He says (detail removed by Moderator) but I can’t have that as an excuse to stay when the relationship is bad.

[Sad and alone]

Ah gosh they are hateful aren’t they? I can’t stand it when they twist it round and say how sad or depressed they feel, even though they are the instigators. I never want to argue but if we attempt a normal discussion about something and I don’t agree with what he says I get told I’m arguing or fighting. It’s exhausting. He often tells me I’ve said something I haven’t and puts words in my mouth. Infuriating.
I asked him about going to couples’ counselling – he wouldn’t do it. Maybe he was worried someone would side with me and question his behaviour. I have read it’s not a good idea to go solely to joint sessions but each have separate ones as well. You’d need a counsellor with specific expertise in these sort of relationships so they’re aware of the tricks that can be played.

[Sad and alone]

So since this we hit an impasse again. He kept saying I was cutting off my nose to spite my face, cancelling things I had to look forward to. Really didn’t understand my logic behind it. So what did I do? I went back on the cancelling and rebooked the event I hold that I’d called off and my relative is still coming to stay. My friend isn’t as they rebooked somewhere else for a break instead but they have been quite supportive of how I’m feeling.
So things are plodding along. We have joint work I can’t sack off so have had to pull together but that is coming to an end now.
My relative arrives today and he’s just come into the house and I’ve got the feeling he’s peed off about something. I hate this as I don’t know what I’ve done. Could be anything I have or haven’t done or said. I don’t know. But hate that heavy feeling. I said was he alright and he said yes but you know what it’s like. I’m worried things are going to be uncomfortable. He keeps telling me he’s making an effort and has given me cuddles and things but tbh things just don’t feel right. I said to him when he said about making an effort that it wouldn’t be genuine, I didn’t want someone who had to make an effort to be nice or put up with me. It shouldn’t be hard work to be with me. And he said what was he meant to do then, how was anything meant to get better. I really don’t know. I feel zero incline to be physical with him. If all that’s gone then I’m flogging a dead horse really. I keep thinking too much has happened. And I know something will happen again.
I just hope this visit goes okay. He insults my relative a lot, although he says he doesn’t mind them. That makes me feel uncomfortable too. But hopefully things will be alright.

[Sad and alone]

Ah gosh I get that, I often apologise for something just to try and get passed whatever is happening. He’ll have said all sorts of things and I’ll retaliate in the end and then I’m the one saying sorry. Because in a way I do feel bad for saying some things. Although it also feels like I mean them. But even though when I say sorry, it’s my fault, it sounds so insincere but he accepts it like I mean it.
He doesn’t apologise anymore for things he says. He believes they’re true and if I don’t want him to say them (I’m a moron, or pathetic, or stupid etc) I need to change and prove him wrong. But before when he did used to apologise I would say they same as you. I don’t want your apology, just don’t say/do things in the first place. Very frustrating.

[Sad and alone]

I don’t know. I want to say I’ve had that before, maybe after it’s been a while. Maybe just grateful to have sex? It’s not a normal response to that situation but then we’re not in normal relationships are we?

[Sad and alone]

Yes I think you’re right @tiredofitall. I know during arguments he’ll refer to me as being like people I don’t like because he knows he’ll get a rise out of me. And I say stop trying to push my buttons. They know and do it on purpose. I think they try to make you angry and lose control so they can say there’s something wrong with you, or you’re the one with the problem. Like you I am truly a laid back person. I don’t do confrontation and can’t stand arguments. I’m not interested in it. I hate it when I get pushed and I’m yelling or throwing something. It’s not me.

More arguments this morning. I don’t even know what they’re about any more. I try and talk normally and rationally to begin with but he just keeps on and on and if he knows I’ve said something true he’ll start talking about something else. He broke a picture and cut himself. We were meant to be going somewhere and I said I wasn’t going as didn’t want to be stuck in a vehicle with him but then backtracked as I felt bad about him cutting himself and at how I had yelled and got so so mad. It’s not me. So we went. But I can’t handle the flip flopping.

Later he made reference to a plan I had and I said I had cancelled it. He said was I joking and I said no and that I’d told him I was cancelling that and people coming. He said I must be joking and when I said I wasn’t he said he couldn’t believe I’d done it. How I was messing people around and it was wrong. I said I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t want commitments at the moment. I don’t want to put on this image of being happy when I’m not. He said it would’ve been a good distraction for me and how I never see anyone. He said he couldn’t believe I’d cancelled people coming. Makes me think I’ve done the wrong thing and made a rash decision. That I’ve told people I’m struggling with our relationship and I shouldn’t have. Like I’ve betrayed us.

[Sad and alone]

Everyone’s experiences are different, some more extreme than others but all equally important. It’s easy to read some of the posts here and think that what you’re going through, or have gone through, is small in comparison, or it can make you doubt yourself and what you went through. Remember you feel the way you do for a reason, and the relationship was obviously not right. I would be glad that you’ve moved on, and maybe try not to overthink what has happened in the past. It is whatever you believe it to be, only you know how you felt, and you don’t have to meet xyz criteria to prove it.
Take care and keep posting xx

[Sad and alone]

That is it minimeerkat, when you’ve been together such a long time you get conditioned. When I look back now I can see his controlling behaviour but at the time you don’t think anything of it as it’s small everyday stuff. Then it gets more and more noticeable as the years roll on. I can’t stand it that after this happened it was all about how he was suffering and it was all my fault. I drove him to it and it’s not who he is, he’s not a violent person.
Now we’ve fallen into some sort of limbo. I don’t know the next steps to take to leaving which I’m going to pursue looking into. Just this morning he said what are we doing (as we’re kind of pootling along doing stuff for the future) and how there’s no point if things aren’t going to last. How I need to change and if I change I’ll see a change in him and if I stop doing things that I do (which could be anything on any day) things will get better. I just kept quiet because I don’t think I can say I want to end it all. If I do it’ll just incite another massive row and I can’t deal with it. Once I have an idea about what and how I need to do things I’m hoping it’ll be better and I can maybe move forwards. His answer is always I need to change. It’s like he thinks I’m desperate to stay. I can’t see a physical relationship between us again. There is no relationship. He agreed to this yet still talks about the future. It doesn’t add up. He says he doesn’t give up on things but I don’t want to stay like this for the rest of my life.

[Sad and alone]

Why is it that we want to almost defend them when someone else says something about them?! Like you don’t want anything else to think bad of them? I told a friend we weren’t getting on (not about the DV) and as soon as she starts saying what I’m thinking I feel weird about it. You’re right, if it was a friend or relative of mine I’d be saying what the hell are you still doing there? This person has no love for you treating you that way. Regardless of whether they feel you’ve wound them up. He could control himself with someone else, who’d be liable to press charges, but can’t stop himself launching at me? I’m not blameless, but the way I act is often as a result of the way he treats me. Which is the same as what he says about me. But the difference is I don’t know what I do that’s so bad. He keeps telling me to change and I say what is so bad about me that I need to change? Sometimes I ask him things and he can’t give me a specific answer. It’s “things” or “this and that”. It’s rubbish. And then he blames me and says our relationship makes him depressed.
I hate it when I look back over so many years and can see this behaviour going on for so long. It’s not constant, but there are times that certain things happened that weren’t acceptable. And I’d tell anyone else to leave. But when you been together a long long time it’s like you’re not just going to be leaving that person but leaving your whole life. And that everything that’s gone before has been a waste of life.
He says to me that if I left and found someone else I’d prob end up living in a council house somewhere, that no one else is like him or would do for me what he does. I don’t even want to be with anyone else. I just want to be alone.

[Sad and alone]

I’m not sure what a PT is but I’m guessing like a counsellor? Whatever he is he’s talking out of his butt. Especially if he knows your history. I get told by my husband that if I change I will see a change in him. Same thing, be better and he’ll be better. I made an effort with the physical side of my relationship a little while back. I would rather watch a box set than have sex but I realised a lack of intimacy could be causing an issue so made an effort to change. It was all okay for a couple of months and I thought maybe that’s it. He’s happier, I’m happier. But then lo and behold it all caved in again. When you’re treated in a way that is not acceptable and you are made to feel upset it’s very hard to partake in physical relations.

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