Shecando

[Shecando]

Thank you for your reply. You’re right. It seems very odd that the counsellor has refused to make him any further apps as if hey really felt he was being abused they would have ?

[Shecando]

Thank you

[Shecando]

Thank you for your response. It’s so ongoing it is actually draining me so much. He didn’t speak to me most of the weekend until he decided he was ready to. That it self is really unsettling. I have spoken with a helpline , one advisor was very forthright which actually made me feel empowered. A bit like your response . I need people to tell me it’s okay and not my fault because I’m always looking for things I could to help but nothing will ever be good enough. When I come up financial solutions , he says it’s too late , nothing will ever  change and he will never be able to retire . Have I really got to listen  to this for the next 20 years.

[Shecando]

Oh and he also tells me he’s done more for me than anyone he knows including my family. I can’t leave , I have no money but I dream about what it would be like and thank the lucky stars when he isn’t at home. Hope that helps to know you’re not alone x

[Shecando]

My husband plays the victim and happily tells me that I’m acting like a victim and that I’m the least hard done by person he knows. He tells me I have treated him badly over the years , that I’ve never been great with him and that I need him. He also tells me close people have noticed it . He never says who which is interesting . He has told me all this , then not spoken to me all (timeframe removed by Moderator) . It’s utter misery. I have no one to confide in so I read everything on here otherwise I would go mad. It wears you down and curses your spirit but I won’t apologise to him for things I haven’t done x

[Shecando]

He wouldn’t see any need to give us space and a break as he thinks he is perfect and shouldn’t be treated this way. Again , very confusing : I’m never sure what I’m meant to have done and he can’t ever really say. It can just be my voice that annoys him or the way I say things. I have told him , in the past , I’m not responsible for his happiness  which he disagrees with. I wouldn’t even dare say that now as he wouldn’t like that. A few years ago I encourage him to go to the GP, he said I only did it to make myself look good . No one knew he had gone ! The GP called me the next day and asked to see me . He said he had no emotional language and wanted to check he wasn’t abusive to me . So he had clocked his tone of voice whereas I sat there crying – my husband does not know the GP rang me but he has said I ‘ hijacked ‘ his appointment . To be honest I blame  myself for allowing this but as the years have gone on I’ve lost the assertive part in me . He has said we don’t need counselling but I do 1 again making me the problem.

[Shecando]

Your comment regarding the ranting phonecall really helped. I got another one (timeframe removed by Moderator) and I put the phone away from me. I worry that what he is saying is him seeking help / cry for support but what he says he can’t back up with any evidence , it’s all a lot of it should have been like this , we should have had this, all these years wasted , should I move out to make you all appreciate me. The list goes on. The ranting continues without a breath , there is no space for me to say anything not that it would make any difference and then he hangs up. There’s nothing I can do here. Is he being serious about moving out ? He’s said this so so many times and never has .

[Shecando]

Sorry for the delay in responding . Things smoothed over a bit so I feel lulled into a false sense of security now we’re back to the victim mode on his behalf which seemed to come at a time when our son needed support. I find it fascinating that his needs always seem to need to come first and when they can’t because we have children he acts like this. I had the usual rant from him on the phone how his life is awful , everything is so unfair , he can’t talk to me or tell me things – he doesn’t seem to stop telling me things . He likes to list off my flaws or inadequacies . Once he read from his laptop all my negative points almost as a pre cursor because it followed with him saving lots of cash to leave but then he decided he wouldn’t . It’s like being on a never ending treadmill of high alert

[Shecando]

This all makes so much sense – the pyshic abuse for sure / he says he knows me better than anyone else and Hess done more for me than anyone else including my family !
I’ve found reading this really helpful. Unfortunately when I have walked away he says I have to go back to listen to him or he’ll against even louder yet other times he wants to be left completely alone , again all at his request / on his demand.
He thinks of himself as the victim and says if people knew they would say he was being abused. That upsets me. I would hate to think people view me this way. He says his family have noticed things about me but won’t say because they love me , I think this is a tactic – making me think others are displeased with me. He is very good at being pitiful whereas I pretend I’m okay so he calls me (specific detail removed by Moderator) and says I’m different with everyone else. He likes the attention and is always hard done by. My question to you would be – does he know he is behaving like this ? I can’t understand how another human being would deliberately do it ?

[Shecando]

This all makes so much sense – the pyshic abuse for sure / he says he knows me better than anyone else and Hess done more for me than anyone else including my family !
I’ve found reading this really helpful. Unfortunately when I have walked away he says I have to go back to listen to him or he’ll against even louder yet other times he wants to be left completely alone , again all at his request / on his demand.
He thinks of himself as the victim and says if people knew they would say he was being abused. That upsets me. I would hate to think people view me this way. He says his family have noticed things about me but won’t say because they love me , I think this is a tactic – making me think others are displeased with me. He is very good at being pitiful whereas I pretend I’m okay so he calls me (specific detail removed by Moderator) and says I’m different with everyone else. He likes the attention and is always hard done by. My question to you would be – does he know he is behaving like this ? I can’t understand how another human being would deliberately do it ?

[Shecando]

Thank you so very very much. I can begin to explain how much this has helped. He also doesn’t answer my calls or , if he does, is very abrupt with me. This is allowed whereas I am not allowed to display anything other than good will. He always says you’re so clever , you know what you’re doing , you’re playing the victim – he tells me I look forlorn when he has ‘ attacked ‘ me with his words and how I want people to feel sorry for me. He has actually told me in the past’ he doesn’t know anyone who is less hard done by than me , I have a good life’

i actually asked him to stop insulting me when he was calling me clueless and he said I was making him out to be bad.

it’s so tiring and always on my mind , what will happen next , what will his mood be like/ it makes our teen very anxious too/ thank you for your kindness

[Shecando]

Hey again
thank you

I have done the live chat with women’s aid , they can’t offer ongoing support which they make clear but when I’ve phoned a few times I’ve been cared for and signposted.
I do know me but is it good enough ? Do I do all the things he is accusing me of ? Undermining?Interrupting  him ? I can’t do anything but he cans risk to me like c**p.
what you have written could be me – I want to know why I put up with it ? Why do I allow someone to be mean and unkind to me ?
I am sorry you feel the same and I hope things get easier for you . I feel like things are getting harder the longer we are together

sending hugs xxx

[Shecando]

Thank you for replying and sorry to hear you are in the same position . I feel so so tired and drained. I just said to him that I didn’t understand what I’d done and he said that proves I never listen to him. He was using a very loud voice at the bottom of the garden and I hate the thought of people hearing as all the things he was saying were horrid about me. I know I’m a good person and I know I try my best . I’m sure I don’t always get it right. I did suggest that maybe it’s easier for to me have a conversation with other people as they don’t tell me no follow ups. He didn’t like that and said he has to say it because he knows where the conversation goes . He accuses me of undermining him which I may have done years ago when the children were small and you’re finding your feet  but I don’t anymore . He doesn’t let me forget anything. He says it’s all in my head , a professional would ever be able to offer help to him because it’s absurd and it’s all on me – ‘ your doing ‘ his favourite thing is blaming my dad who he never met and has been dead many years.
I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here ../

 

[Shecando]

Thank you

I do know it is wrong

the latest is being told off and berated via message over not telling him correctly where an item was that he was treating to find . The text messages were verbally abusive

he proceeded to tell me he would be ringing me to talk about things , as always he talked and I had to listen

said he was moving into the spare room as sick of me having nice conversations with everyone but him . It just isn’t true : he also said if I was receiving what he is it would be called abuse . I have learned today from a support network that abusers switch it to look like they’re being abused .
he sent me another text asking to me to clear the spare room , I just said it would take time ; he didn’t like that and wanted to me acknowledge all my wrong doings instead . I said we could do with a chat and he said there’s no point as I twist and turn everything whereas I actually never get the chance to really say my thoughts , part of me is scared to do that anyway

 

so where do I go from here – carry on like I usually do , I don’t want to leave my beautiful home

[Shecando]

It’s utterly miserable . My husband is the same . I can’t say or do anything right most of the time and if I answer him in a way he doesn’t think i should then that’s a problem. I think he should write me a script . I am sorry you feel this way and I don’t have much advice but I do know I’ve been putting up with it for a long time and would suggest you don’t. It gets worse

[Shecando]

I could have written this myself . Husband told me he has no mental capacity for his work anymore and that is ‘on me.’ It’s always when he is under pressure or stressed everything becomes my fault . It’s so hard to try to support someone when you’re getting the blame for how they feel. Things could go wrong and I’m not around and still it would be my fault because of how I have made him feel. I have been told it’s emotional abuse but again the nice times are okay

[Shecando]

Hi
I could have written the very same thing . I am on edge constantly . I am blamed for how my husband feels , how his week goes , how work is for him – he doesn’t seem to have any self regulation skills. (detail removed by Moderator) he was angry with me for telling his (detail removed by Moderator) something he had said he was going to do but hadn’t , I didn’t give her any detail but he insisted I had spoilt his day , his week but instead of ringing his (detail removed by Moderator) to elaborate he chose to blame me for it . (detail removed by Moderator) he told me he was unimpressed with my behaviour . Later on swore aggressively at the dog , threw (detail removed by Moderator) across the room the stamped on them. I’m an exhausted nervous wreck but he would say so is he

[Shecando]

Sadly I feel it’s too late and perhaps not safe to start setting boundaries as this would cause more conflict . I blame myself for not setting boundaries sooner and letting it get this far. Interestingly, my husband has set his own so when I speak and he doesn’t want to hear it he simply says ‘(quote removed by Moderator)‘ indicating I can’t say anything else

[Shecando]

I have found the advice very,  very comforting and when you feel you have nowhere else to turn or talk to , this forum is invaluable. I am sorry you recognise some of the things I am talking about. It isn’t easy. Hugs x

[Shecando]

Thank you both for responding

it means a lot and I am grateful to you/

 

the blame is also the killer

we have a son with SEN needs .when he struggles my husband  says it’s my fault , that he’s seen me in action when in reality he disappears to play his hobby when the going gets tough or plans even more weekends away and I am left to deal with it but he says I’ve brought it all on myself which I find cruel .
I can be in tears and he can still continue with his blame and shows no empathy.

If I try to stick up for myself he comments that I’m getting all big and hard

this so no way to speak to your wife

he too told me not to answer back when we were away as a family for my (detail removed by Moderator) birthday , my stomach churned like mad and I felt like I’d been knifed in the heart

i was simply responding to something he had done
he doesn’t like being wrong , says I love am argument when that couldnt  be further from the truth.
he seems to have no problem criticising , calling me out , humiliating me in front of people and telling others how I make him feel , interestingly when I have mwnionted there are things I would like to talk about he has said what could you possibly have to talk about , you’re the least hard done by person I know
he ranted (detail removed by Moderator) as our son was having  a meltdown and hiding and of course it was my  fault , I suggested he look up his sons condition and he says he doesn’t need to and I’ve made it worse
his facts are not to be argued with , his word is not to be argued with and to really put it into context t he is fast asleep after cross words and him shouting and I’m awake having sorted out son and tearful.

[Shecando]

He really believes what he is saying to be true. I’m not sure about the past as we have been together for over (removed by moderator) years. I can see how it has gradually got worse for me but I don’t say anything , he says he cant express himself but he is always always telling me what I’ve done wrong , it could be from (removed by moderator) years ago. He will say things like when we had that chat before Christmas , I don’t get the chance to express myself , he reels off everything I’ve done wrong and I sit and listen then he tells me he has stored away money.

[Shecando]

Thank you for your reply. He has told our eldest all sorts and now has him saying he feels sorry for him. This feels worse than what my partner is doing as I’ve lost my son’s support. In his teenage years he could see what his dad was like but now he’s says he realises it was me all along. That feels like being stabbed in the heart with a knife. My partner says I am controlling which makes me fearful to ask him or say anything , I’m kind of living in a home with three adults who believe him and it’s miserable. I feel like every move I make is being analysed and watched.

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