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    • #124678
      SILKIE
      Participant

      Thank you @beachhut but this morning it’s feeling harder than ever to see any kind of future. I know it happened but at this point, it feels like he is winning. It’s starting to feel like he will get all the help for being an emotional abuser. I’m starting to realise that women don’t come forward because they have an uphill battle, just to be listened to and believed.

    • #122586
      SILKIE
      Participant

      @truetomyself I left my husband (detail removed by moderator) ago but only now feeling strung enough to file for divorce. My feelings of guilt kept me from doing this before but they’ve almost gone. Yesterday, he even convinced my son he was going to kill himself. In the last few days, I’ve bern subjected to ‘i love you so much’, can’t live without you near by and the tears! In (detail removed by moderator), I’ve seen him cry twice! Never any sign of empathy until this week. Although even as I write this, I can think of one occasion when I think it was real but just one. I’ve found the guilt fading as my instinct kicks in. Reading your post, it sounds like his mother may be another victim but you must help yourself xx

    • #122585
      SILKIE
      Participant

      @empoweredhealing you’re right, I didn’t know I had good instincts but now I’m pulling away, I’m starting to find new inner strength and resolve. I’m starting to feel angry that he thinks he cam manipulate me so easily. I will be racing towards my divorce by the end of this week I am going away for a few days, apparently you can travel if you’re fleeing abuse. I’m getting impatient to end it.

    • #122584
      SILKIE
      Participant

      @bettertimesahead @darcy @jediwarrior thank you. Yes my instincts are kicking in, I have seen him (detail removed bu moderator) since the threat of divorce and he is so in live, wants to have therapy, have another year apart but “trying”. Each time, I’ve had the uneasy feeling I’m being being played. My (detail removed by moderator) son called thinking he was going to kill himself and so it begins.

      I’m trying to find safe places to go in an emergency but he is a weak man. At the moment it appears he is playing ‘I’m pathetic and love you game’s. My daughter has also been targeted but she sees straight through him, at least i hope so. But reading these pages and information about abusive partners, I think I am in for a long haul which will end in me leaving for somewhere new. I have become resigned to this, I can only hope he is as weak as I think he is.

      I have to believe I can do this. Words I never thought I’d say, let alone as a victim but… thank you to you all for your support, we must be firm and use our instincts, they are our protection xx

    • #122453
      SILKIE
      Participant

      @bettertimesahead thank you, he was sobbing when I turned up, it looked so real and I don’t know what to believe. He never cries or shows real emotion and it pulled me back in. He did say he would never do anything but I said it was a cruel thing to hint about. He says I’m his best friend and he’s devastated. I’m losing the will to fight

    • #122448
      SILKIE
      Participant

      @gettingtired As much as I hate to admit it, I think my husband is starting to use my children to manipulate me (they are (detail removed by Moderator)). I spoke to my sister and she said ‘it’s not abuse, it’s not like you’re being hit or locked away’, it feels like she thinks I’m overplaying what has happened. My point is … if you decide to tell them, you need to be ready for the response that suggests they may sympathise with your partner. It was a shock, it still is.. ‘A heads up might have been nice’ is not what you want to hear when breaking away is hard enough to do.
      With regards to your response, I have done exactly the same thing today! As he left, I had the uneasy feeling I’d been played. I am learning to trust my instincts, if it feels like I’m being manipulated… I am. I feel like I have strung him along (detail removed by Moderator) but he swept me up in a tide of love and adoration. He isn’t just stringing me along, he’s guilting me into taking him back. Reading these posts, I am starting to dislike him and I think this will help.
      I wish you every strength for the battle ahead and hope you are able to trust yourself xx

    • #122446
      SILKIE
      Participant

      @walkingonsunshine Wow… this has struck a chord with me! My solicitor has served divorce papers this week and my husband sobbing on the phone to my children (they are (detail removed by Moderator)) so I went running round as it sounded like he was contemplating suicide. What are we supposed to do in the face of such emotional blackmail?
      (detail removed by Moderator) I felt used, apparently my solicitor had written an awful letter, too strong at this stage. I asked a friend’s lawyer husband to look it over.. it’s an absolutely normal letter for this stage. What has tipped it over the edge is the reference to him being a coercive controller. My son said it would be a ‘p***ing’ contest between my husband and my solicitor… And that is the point, the solicitor is my/your buffer, you will pay him money to protect you from this person who has made your life hell. He is no longer telling you what to do, the solicitor is doing that. He doesn’t want that because the solicitor has control. Reading your post, my instinct is starting to kick in. It is a new experience when you start to notice your instinct and I haven’t ever felt like I can trust my own thoughts but I am realising that is what my husband is doing. Even my children say it must go ahead.

      When my daughter bought her car, I said ‘take a deep breath, relax and let your instinct kick in’. It worked and she loves that car. She has since repeated the same sentence to me… and it helps.
      So I say the same to you… Take a deep breath, relax and try to let your instinct in. We have all forgotten how it feels to decide for ourselves but you deserve better!

      good luck x

    • #122443
      SILKIE
      Participant

      Thank you for writing this, I’m sorry to hear that it is still troubling you after all these years. I am still struggling to finish it and I find I am questioning.. is it that bad? He hasn’t been physically or financially abusive. He professes his love, I’m his best friend etc but I’m still uneasy. It’s difficult to separate his controlling behaviour from his generosity. You don’t say how many years have passed but reading other posts, it seems you have been successful in leaving and staying away as these seem the most difficult phases of the journey. I applaud your strength and only hope I can find mine.
      Best wishes xx

    • #122442
      SILKIE
      Participant

      I’m not sure how to reply directly to comments so I don’t know who can see this but thank you for your support. some of your stories are frightening and mine feels almost tame by comparison. As he said, he would never hit me but I said until we got married, I didn’t think you would punch a hole in the wall. I now have to face him and say no more but I feel a bit stronger. I really felt his control today and I am trying to understand that I should trust my instincts. I have no one I can talk to, my children can see it but understandably, want to keep a relationship with him. I have an appt with a therapist on (detail removed by Moderator) so fingers crossed they can help me. thank you again and with your support, I know I can fight this.

    • #122441
      SILKIE
      Participant

      thank you all for your supportive texts. i think i’m trouble. my son (detail removed by Moderator) called to say that he thought his dad might commit suicide. i called him (whilst i had a friend with me) and he was crying. i went round because he sounded so bad. (detail removed by Moderator) hours later he left. i told the children he was fine. he said he was hurt by my actions, my solicitor’s letter etc. he still loves me, i’m his best friend of (detail removed by Moderator) years and i got caught up in the emotions of it all. he really thinks we will get back together.
      when he left, i had the feeling i’d been played. i’m not used to trusting my instincts but i feel like i’ve been manipulated and even worse, he’s using my children to do it. Am i right? i don’t have anyone i can talk to. i can’t believe he would use his own children this way. i want to disappear

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