Smallasmustardseed

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thank you you are all so amazing.. Thank you silver birch for the encouragement and secretlife and getting tired it’s all so difficult to make a move tlfor action. I know he moves goal posts but my own goal posts seem to move each time.. Since I’ve embarked on writing on here I’ve started noticing more and because eof that I make a note in head somehow that if he does this then I’ll definitely know I can act because it’s clear but then weirdly since then quite dramatically lots of things have just got worse and it’s in my mind I change the rules?? I’m more tired of myself..!!

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thank you everyone, I’ve re read continuously the replies, I am sorry I’m slow and not active on here. The last few weeks I just well I can’t even bring myself to think upon I. Know I’m aware now but I’m finding it harder as my attitude is making everything worse for me in the moment

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thank you all so much for your replies, I am so grateful. Its been difficult to get a long window to login but I’ve trued to read site etc. I can’t quite cope with most things right now I can’t even drive off to stay with anyone because of restrictions and I know they say you can in cases of domestic abuse but then you’d have to prove that and that stress seems all to much because I’d just feel I was making mountain, I am looking at whether holiday places nearby just so I can pretend a holiday and still take to school and get a breather from the situation? X

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thank you for sharing this, it’s left me in tears there are parts I have even. Said to myself. You are very brave

[Smallasmustardseed]

Hello busy ditch, I’ve read all your posts and haven’t written as I don’t feel I can as I’m still stuck in my head. But I just want to say to show support how you are such an inspiration to me, your clarity and determination and bravery. I can only hope to have that and I know you say it may look like you have it together etc but you’ve come this far so far… It will all be OK you’re so strong xx

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thank you for replying, I do keep re reading and I can see it sounds unhealthy and uncaring butb(my brain keeps finding buts and excuses) he’s not always like that and well I deep down know but am hopeful I guess and just can’t think clearly I’m sorry x

[Smallasmustardseed]

And I’m sorry I’ll just add one more thing I really do know that it just doesnt seem right so even if not abuse by definition I want to just be away from him because I can’t go on like this but I can’t get away from him, it doesn’t seem as simPle as just going. I’m not sure how to end it because I’m worried of his response if he thinks I am serious (obviously I’ve tried leaving before but he actually said nice things promised etc). I don’t want to see his nice side again full of promises because he doesn’t mean them but I feel so guilty if I don’t honour him or believe him, as Im meant to be with him through it all. He may turn it around?

[Smallasmustardseed]

Hello there, I haven’t checked on here for a few weeks until today because I was desperate to share or ask something, I wasn’t sure if to start a new topic and then I see your reply today its very timely. I’m so sad and I don’t quite know how to word anything right now but my question would have been is it just a man thing or just another sign that whenever there’s an occasion like birthday Christmas valentines or mothers day like today.. That everything literally seems like one insult after another. A ruined day etc.. I’m so tired of this I just can’t do anything. I broke down and cried in response to him today saying about him and all the things of just today and yesterday and him leaving pictures of his ex lying around etc but I’m in the wrong and I darent say any more after he shuts it all down with what he does.. It feels like he hates me and I said that to him and he says how he will go but he’s said that before and now I want him to but I’m guessing he won’t

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thank you so much for your replies I am so sorry i have not responded until now, I don’t now know how this works if I should write a new subject etc but I wanted to respond, as you’ve kindly taken the time to do so for me. I wrote this then all I could see after was all the great things he does for me the practical things how I wouldnt cope without him as I don’t have much common sense etc and how he really does try with me’, I just couldn’t get past this massive massive blow of guilt that hit me when I re read my post as when hitting submit I literally felt arghh and how I think I’ve blown it up and if you read black and white it will always look bad perhaps . So I couldn’t face it but each week, or most days I go full circle and end up desperately wondering what’s going on, we haven’t fought fought because in honesty I think I’m not saying things too much back but two occasions since last writing he’s had me in an arm lock on floor jokily kicking me or trying to have sex, etc etc and whilst it’s all done as a bit of a joke I’m not comfortable with it but then maybe I never will be with anything : I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself so I apologise but I also massively thank you for advice, but of eye opener with cycle of abuse but again I then started to think I behave like that as in I think I make it a cycle cus I’m patient till breaking point then I try harder.

[Smallasmustardseed]

Thanks so much Hawthorn for your reply, I worry what to say really especially if over phone or in person but I do keep thinking of ringing again etc.. I will try xx

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