Starandlittlestar

[Starandlittlestar]

Sending hugs. It must have been so tough. Be proud of yourself. Xxx

[Starandlittlestar]

You ladies are so right. And I have become aware of how much more this will affect my kids as they get older. They’re pretty young just now.

The snide comments are theirs, not what he has told them. Pointed comments about things like a snotty nose, a t-shirt that’s too small, hair that hasn’t been cut. Stuff like that, intended to make me feel like a failure as a mum. That sounds like my kids are constantly dirty and in badly fitting clothes, which they are not, but you know what in-laws can be like. Pick up on the one thing that isn’t so good rather than the 100 things that should be acknowledged.
I just have to play it carefully. If I say I don’t want them providing childcare anymore he will say that he’ll do it (he still isn’t working) but he doesn’t realise that he can’t cope with them properly on his own, I wouldn’t feel that they would be safe. He is emotionally unstable and can’t cope with the responsibility even though he thinks he can. The only time he has the kids is when he is also with his family, he doesn’t seem to realise that he hasn’t been alone with the kids for a very long time.

There has also been a lot of upset caused by the divorce papers. I Don’t really know what to expect next, but somehow I will extricate my kids from this childcare arrangement. It may not be straight away but you are all right – I know what is best for my kids. A mum always knows.

[Starandlittlestar]

So useful to hear your thoughts.
DIYmum, that is exactly what I experience – when they are not blanking me. Subtle put downs, snide comments about my parenting.

I would like nothing better than to make different childcare arrangements. I guess I’m just scared of how much worse they will treat me if/when I do that. Accuse me of taking their grandchildren away from them etc.
I know what is best for my kids. But these people are so busy feeling sorry for themselves and hating me, I find it hard to consider being even more ‘evil’ and making them even sadder.
I know as I write how ridiculous that sounds! Why should I care about them when they treat me this way in front of my children?!

[Starandlittlestar]

I have no words of wisdom, SS. There are ladies on here who are much wiser than me. But I have words of support. You come across in your posts as strong and determined, despite everything you are going thru. Every tiny step you take is a step towards freedom. Never give up.
The fact that you can financially support yourself and your kids is great – be proud. I am in the same situation and when my lawyer told me I was in the stronger financial position I felt a tiny glimmer of pride. Whatever he may have done he hasn’t taken my ability to support my family.
So pat yourself on the back for that. We all do whatever we can for our kids, whether it is to care for them ourselves, earn the money, maybe a bit of both. We must be proud of whatever we achieve.
Keep going. Small steps. You will get there.
Luv Star xx

[Starandlittlestar]

Brewsandshoes, and Keepswimming – there are so many similarities in our experiences, it is almost chilling.
MH is used so often to excuse unacceptable behaviour by these men. I was even told that a medical professional had told him that he can’t control it! That was his way of saying I had to put up with it and let him do whatever he wanted. His family would say the same thing, that I had to just go along with it, poor him, he can’t control it.
He could control it when he wanted though, when there was something he wanted to do, or when we were with friends or something.
But he never actually did anything about his MH, we all had to just accept it.
It makes me shudder now I can see the level of control.
Have you got any way to get out/make an exit plan? It isn’t going to get any better if you stick around, I’m sorry to say.

And yes my ex would try to tell me what I’m thinking. And even more frequently he would finish my sentences for me! Generally not with the words I had intended, but it would distract/confuse long enough so I would lose my train of thought, or just agree with him for an easy life. He did not like me having my own thoughts and ideas about things. Still doesn’t.
As the others have said, start looking at your own mental health. Put yourself first. Getting out would help you feel a million times better (eventually), not controlled, not guilt-tripped etc. You could start living again. You deserve that.
Luv Star xx

[Starandlittlestar]

Landy
I completely agree with everything the ladies have posted on here. They have mentioned all the things that I do when I’m struggling.
Also I write in a (secure) journal. That helps.
Remember that this low phase won’t last forever. I have had a few steady weeks but I am now struggling like you, feel indescribably sad and lost, half tempted to let him back.
We have to remember that this feeling does pass, we do start to feel stronger again.
Like Heasvheart I find time on my own the toughest (even though when I’m not alone all I want is some peace) and I am working on trying to do nice things for myself during that time. A walk, a film, maybe some yoga or meditation.
I know the two temptations I give in to to make me feel better – shopping and eating. But those things are better than taking him back so if I have to shop and eat I will do so.
You are so strong, your posts help so many of us. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling so unhappy. It is natural and it will pass and we are all here for you. Xx

[Starandlittlestar]

Brewsandshoes, your story sounds so incredibly similar to mine, it’s crazy.
My (almost) ex is careful never to do anything really truly bad. Like yours he has never read my texts or anything. But his behaviour – anger, implied threats, withholding financial and emotional support, unpredictable behaviour, always putting his own wishes before mine or the kids – is still abusive. I have been so miserable and I just didn’t realise what was causing it until I got him to move out for a short time. Somehow I then found the strength to tell him to make the move open-ended. There is no way he is coming back now.
But every time I see him to do a handover of the kids etc, I doubt myself and my decision. I think I should change my mind, to make him happy. I think he isn’t that bad really. I think of how much fun he can be at times, when we see friends and family.
However, as soon as he is gone again, reality comes crashing back and I realise that of course I can’t/won’t change my mind. I have made the right decision for my sanity and my kids’ wellbeing, but it is so incredibly hard to remember that when I’m in his presence.
So I understand what you are saying. The time will come when you have had enough and you don’t swing so much between the two courses of action. In the meantime, as the ladies on here have said keep a record.
What did it for me was writing a chronology of what has happened over the last couple of years. I read it back, realised what I was putting up with and decided enough was enough. I had put up with enough empty promises.
You have the strength in you and you have your kids to think of.
And you have these ladies. The WA forum has helped me so much. It will help you too. X

[Starandlittlestar]

Landy, you are so right. It really is a case of taking each day one at time. I think sometimes I forget that and want life to be normal and I kind of run away with it, thinking everything is fine and I can do this. Then suddenly I realise how incredibly hard and soul-destroying it is, and I’m back to taking tiny steps, one day at a time.
However bad it gets (and this weekend has been really tough) it is better than it was when he was living here.

[Starandlittlestar]

You are not alone Landy.
Working full time as well as dealing with these ridiculous manipulative men/people is exhausting, frustrating, hardest thing ever, and very under-acknowledged. Fitting in any appts to do with mental health/legal arrangements/getting out can be so tough but as the ladies on here have said it is to the benefit of your employers. If you can get the help you need at these courses you are much more likely to be more engaged at work, and need less time off sick or off to deal with unexpected issues.
I do hope you can speak to your boss and sort out some arrangements. They may be surprisingly supportive.

I work almost full time, support myself and my kids single-handedly, deal with rubbish from my ex on a very frequent basis, often don’t sleep, somehow manage to keep the house running and clothes clean etc. I think we all do this and much more. We deserve to feel proud of ourselves for it. I have been surprised by how supportive my work have been – even when I am not firing on all cylinders because of some bad days/nights.
Just be honest with work, don’t beat yourself up because you are doing a fab job at holding it all together. And know that in time you will be glad you left and everything will settle down. We have to go thru these tough times before we can get to a settled phase.

A friend gave me a quote the other day and it helps me. Might help you:
‘The most difficult roads often lead to the most beautiful places.’
Hang in there.

[Starandlittlestar]

I’m feeling really low at the moment.
I am seeing a lawyer and starting divorce proceedings in a couple of days and I’m worried about what will happen when I do that. He and his family will step up their behaviour. He knows it is coming but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to manipulate me into changing my mind and feeling guilty and like I should give it one more chance. I won’t give it one more chance (no way) but i know I will feel bad and like I’m the one who is responsible for all this.
It amazes me that he can see this the way he does. In his view, he is not at fault. He has done everything he could, he can’t help having mental illness, and I should just look after him like a good and dutiful wife. I don’t think he lives in the real world at all.
I’m worried what the financial settlement will be when the divorce gets moving. The fact that he hasn’t been paying for a long time may not get taken into account. I’m so angry that he can treat me and our kids like this, take no responsibility and still make me feel bad. His parents treat me as if I’m hurting their son – no understanding of the fact that I’m trying to keep myself sane and my kids from witnessing this kind of behaviour.
I try not to feel sorry for myself but today I must admit I’m wallowing in self pity. And I’m struggling to sleep. This is such a tough process to go through.

[Starandlittlestar]

ST
Yes, literally only a few days. I could cope with life again because I had time to myself and didn’t have to pander to him or keep him happy.
Don’t get me wrong, he is still around and in contact and begging me to change my mind, sending all sorts of manipulative messages etc., but it is easier to ignore those because he isn’t in the house.
I have to endure the ‘sorry for himself’ routine at every handover of the kids, which naturally makes me feel guilty, but if you can learn to harden yourself to that, you do feel like your life is more under your own control.
When I file for divorce, he will step it up, but for now things are relatively peaceful.
However, as has been said above, you can only do it at your own pace. It took me a long time to realise what was going on, even longer to accept it – and longer still to do something about it.

IWMB, you make such a good point. The men in our lives have such a good thing, if only they could realise that and treat us with respect and equality. But they waste it and break us and destroy us till we have pretty much nothing left to give. It makes me angry that so many men behave this way and take advantage of our kindness and empathy and our support.
I view all men now as dangerous, which is probably very unfair to men!

[Starandlittlestar]

I completely agree with everything the ladies have said on here.
I have got my partner to move out and gradually the exhaustion that you speak of, the feeling tired before the day even begins, the lack of time to properly process what has been happening – that all changes.
I have time to myself when my kids are in bed, I sleep better because I haven’t got the emotional abuse all the time. And best of all – I’m enjoying my kids again. When things were at their worst, the kids were pretty much just another chore, something for me to deal with. Now I can actually interact and have fun with them again, on my terms. Nobody watching, listening, judging, wanting me to give him attention instead of them.
I know it is a massive (and very difficult) step but if you do it, within a few days you will feel more like yourself and more rested and capable than you have for ages.
Also, getting out while your baby is small – I think that is absolutely the best thing. The baby will never have to witness the dynamic between you. My little one is very young and to them life with just me (with a bit of contact with their father) is totally normal.
Be strong. It is worth it for your baby.

[Starandlittlestar]

I am beyond grateful for your responses. I finally feel like I’m not crazy, because you are confirming what I have been suspecting.
I’m so completely shocked to now be seeing him and the relationship for what they are. It clearly was never what I imagined it was.
Flower – the terms you used to describe his family coddling him are so scarily accurate. He is indeed staying with family and having all his needs met with them. It is like he is a teenager again. I think he is happy to be there because I was becoming so broken that I couldn’t look after him anymore. I told him I needed to focus on looking after the children and that I couldn’t look after him as well.
As a father, he only took responsibility for a short time, and then only on his terms really. But he did enough for family and friends to believe he was wonderful and supportive and self-sacrificing. Putting on an act which we all (including me) fell for.
I’m trying not to beat myself up for getting into this situation. I’m well aware from what I have been reading on these forums that it is so gradual and insidious and clever that you just don’t realise what is happening.
I have read about trauma bonding now, and that also resonated massively with me.
I will be contacting Women’s Aid on their helpline, I have started legal proceedings and I feel like whatever rose tinted glasses I was wearing have now finally fallen off. I can see him for what he is and I am completely shocked that this is the situation.
Thank you for your comments, support and confirmation. The power of these forums cannot be underestimated. I had no idea of the power of the kindness of strangers.
I don’t feel alone anymore. And if anybody reading this is in a similar situation, please know that you are not alone. Posting on here is one of the hardest but also most beneficial things I have ever done.

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