StillSmiling

[StillSmiling]

Yes, I went back so many times. It was only after I left for good that I realised that, while the first couple of times I went back was because he cried his eyes out and swore it would never happen again, after that I found it difficult to say no because I was absolutely terrified of him. I think those times were the hardest because I wasn’t going back thinking anything was going to change, or that it might be better.

His remorse in those situations dried up pretty quickly too. It went from swearing it would never happen again to it being something all couples go through (all couples have “rows”, which is how he would refer the physical violence) and I should stop being so sensitive about it.

Whilst leaving was very difficult to organise and see through, it was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

[StillSmiling]

Please don’t feel angry at yourself. You’re not alone in making plan after plan to leave, and feeling angry at yourself for not doing it. You have done absolutely the right thing in reaching out to a support worker. Stay safe and look after yourself. If you are in danger, and you can, call the police. It can be the hardest thing to do, but your safety is most important. I would never have believed I would have found myself stuck in that kind of relationship either. You really are not alone in that. x

[StillSmiling]

It’s definitely okay. I so understand, it’s part of the cycle of abuse. I stayed when the violence stopped for a short time. When it started again I was in a worse place because by that time I was hiding the relationship from everyone else. So when the violence started again, I literally had no one to confide in. Leaving is not an easy decision. And if you’ve been in this position before, I know how humiliating it gets asking for support from your friends. Especially if you’ve been singing their praises to try to save the situation. If you’re thinking about doing it, do if you can. You deserve a loving and happy relationship where you’re not looking round the next bend to see what’s coming. Sending hugs x

[StillSmiling]

Hi FreeAgain,

Thank you so much for your message of support. I’m so glad you have great services and you are amazing for doing what you are doing. I always think of the *rolling my eyes* emoji when he talks about how I’m ruining his life. I appreciate so much you getting in contact. Stay safe xx

[StillSmiling]

Thank you Lisa. I’ve been searching, there are no groups or courses in my area. My counsellor tried to find something on my behalf. My advocate hasn’t been much help. This whole process is making me feel like it’s my fault that the things I was told would happen aren’t happening. How can you have no contact when you need to know your partners state of mind to know how safe you are? Right now it feels like the only person that is safeguarding my survival is me. I was promised that if I made this step that I would not be alone. Now I’m being told that it’s my responsibility to follow everything up, that things won’t move forward unless I’m the person shouting the loudest. I never wanted to be in this position. I don’t want to fight for justice for what happened. I just want my life back. I want to be free to walk away and start again. I was promised that, but if there’s one thing I’m used to it’s broken promises. I’m so sorry to come on here and to be so negative. I am so proud of myself to be here, as hard and bitterly painful as it is. But if people ask something of you, that puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position, there should be no empty promises in that. You can’t be left alone to try to survive. If you’ve been beaten and isolated by your partner, you will not spontaneously want to single-handedly campaign on your own behalf. Sorry if that all sounds a bit cryptic, I know women in my situation will get the gist of what I’m talking about.

[StillSmiling]

Hi HopeLifeJoy,

It is but I’m still on the front line on my own. Hoping for a support group soon. There need to be more support groups in every town in every county. I feel like I’m in no mans land. Why does this prolonged situation feel like I’m the one letting everyone down? I’m the one who has to stay strong, I have to do all the terrifying stuff alone (and live with the consequences), I have to be patient while mentally preparing myself to die alone if that comes when I don’t expect.
I’ve cut off contact. It got worse. I met up to try to negotiate. Slight relief for a few days but I know the tide is about to turn. Still the respite was such a relief. I’m really at the bottom of the well. When it gets too much I wish I could drown in my own grief. I know that sounds so extreme but I’m so fed up.

[StillSmiling]

Thanks maddog. I love that idea of growing around our wounds, like nature reclaiming itself. It’s quite a beautiful thought to start the day with.

[StillSmiling]

Thank you so much. I have so little space at the moment. Every bit of my energy is taken up with stress because he’s refusing to let me go. Even after all this time. Every day either threats or guilting me with love. Apparently what I’m doing is nasty and hurting and destroying his life. I’m so desperate for a support group. I feel so alone.

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