Sunshinedrops

[Sunshinedrops]

Oh Im sending hugs to you, I get it it’s awful fleeing trapped in you’re own home! Living in separate rooms is as much as you can do for now!you got this!
Keep in mind, what you’re life be like without him, what will that look like, ( mental vision board) will his behaviour ever change?
This has helped me, and when I thought I was having metal breakdown, there was something wrong with me, I channelled myself to read back my notes, a-list of all the shitty things he had done. And soon realised this was fact and real!

You can reach out to me any time!
Would there by any possible chance to get away for a night or two to clear your head, it’s utterly exhausting to be in that atmosphere all the time. X

[Sunshinedrops]

Ps went with woman solicitor who was very proactive! It’s her speciality and deals with all things domestic every single day! So go with something who going to behind you 100cent of the way! She said he dosnt care about you, Now this is what you need to be doing x,y,z

[Sunshinedrops]

Thank you rising up and camel I’m right in it and it’s not over yet! I’ve gotten no molestation order in place (detail removed by Moderator). So I’ve time, time to get my head around all of it. I keep expecting him to walk in, the house is strange without that other person. The uncertainties of how I’m going to manage on half the income! I phoned my bank and told them and to be honest we’re very accommodating, it’s special branch for da. And getting advice from local charity, to help with budget.
Last night I had both my children sitting in the living room and they were laughing so hard, they haven’t sat in this living room for months! It made me upset, as it confirmed they never wanted to sit with their dad and felt very uncomfortable. I did cry and they told me mum it’s ok to cry we’ve got this your brilliant mum and we love you! We love the that the house is free.

Being hyper and full of anxiety was my normal, now i can relax and feel totally exhausted. I can drink coffee and literally fall asleep! I think it’s going to take time to recover!

My mind wonders to him, what’s he doing now, what’s he thinking, what his reaction will be. I’ve blocked everything on social media. It’s hard not too, plus I have his (detail removed by Moderator) to look after and I’m wondering do I keep them (detail removed by Moderator)?
Not sure about that one! It’s not there fault and they are beginning to pine for him🙃
As for changing the locks I’ll find out if I can do this! I know he can’t come in but his family could and don’t want them snooping.

Honestly I wouldn’t be here without all of your support!
I now also have to sort out this house, that’s the next move and he manipulated me into being (detail removed by Moderator) even though I paid more! He really played me! But I’ve time

Thank you to everyone that’s replied and sending me support couldn’t done anything of this without all of your support

[Sunshinedrops]

Hi ladies, thought I would up date you all!
I reported him to the police he been charged with domestic assault and cannot enter the home until the court case! It was world-wind day yesterday. I’m mixed with all kind of emotions because it’s like this isn’t actually happening, relief, panic of what’s to come. Never thought I’d be in this situation social services is involved now too and schools been informed! I’m hoping this will inevitable help us going forward! I guess you need to be in the ‘system’
I’m worried about the backlash of his family, I’m gonna be called all kinds of crazy! But what keeps me going is the children reaction they were relieved and said they felt safe without him! I know I’ve done the right thing for them!
He was refusing to seek legal advice, I did but found the man lawyer not as clued in to be honest so I’m looking into another solicitor who a lady and has been recommended by family friend! So gonna reach out today! Keep strong my lovelies xx

[Sunshinedrops]

Oh my goodness you cracked that nut shell in to million pieces always about HIM and his needs in around about way! It’s never been about mine!
I’m building up the courage to put. Into place why I want this relationship to end, my memories are shocking so I’ve been journaling as I’m always faced with I’m really not that bad, what have I done! Which makes me instantly go blank, sad thing is he should realise the stuff that’s broken me, he should be accountable ect ect ect but what I’ve found, it’s one sided arguments, He perfect! And I’ve done everything to hurt him! I feel extremely exhausted why are conversations so difficult 😞
Thank you for replying to me , I really need to hear your kind words this evening! It’s so hard and you feel completely alone at times!
He won’t leave, we own the property together so it’s gonna be shit show, I’ve asked could he leave for one night and it’s big fat no, I should leave instead of which is really immature!
I just need to build my strength up and then tackle him, but I’m cross with my self that I’m still hopefully because I did love him x

[Sunshinedrops]

I stupidly slept with him, and feel worse for it! The sex was off I was hoping maybe just maybe it will be alright and things would get better! Yes feeling really guilty what the hell was I thinking!
He now thinks it’s all wonderful but did go back and sleep on the sofa so no change anyway! Im just fed up! It’s definitely over for me!

[Sunshinedrops]

Hi so confused2

I’m sorry your going through this, you aren’t alone, this group has been a breath of fresh air for me and just to get your feelings and thoughts validate by other women who truly understands is a powerful thing!
They will push you to your limit and it’s awful that he is using the children in this game, you certainly do not deserve the silent treatment!
You have filled for divorce so you are now taking the power back and finally made the decision to press forward, you are the strong one here, and I bet he can’t stand it. Think of the better days coming, what will you like to happen after the divorce, how will you feel when you are out of this relationship?
I’m not saying it’s easy it’s hell, painful but through that pain and discomfort is a new beginnings. Keep going you got this!
I’m going through something similar, he refused to leave the family home, so going to see solicitors soon, I’m not sure how we manage living in the same house ect, it’s awful undercurrent and the children can sense it! For me I dread the weekends, so trying to stay away all day and do something with the children helps.
Keep your relationship strong with your children, and acknowledge that the silent treatment is not ok, you cannot control another persons behaviour, that’s on him but you can certainly say it’s unacceptable

Keep posting

[Sunshinedrops]

Wish it was simple just to go I don’t have the money behind me, we are so finically intwined the thought of uprooting the children and moving again would be a nightmare! I have been looking at rentals and thinking just go! But I want to stay within my home so much! Guess I’m stuck! I’m going to seek the 30 min consultation as soon as I can! My children think it’s a great idea that we split and told me not to be sad, they aren’t that old either! I was blowing away by their comments!

And I would definitely go no contact I did leave at the start of our relationship and he crawled his way back from the driveway into my bed!!! So wouldn’t be that stupid again!
I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to withstand the blame game, I’ve done nothing wrong! What are you talking about, and play the victim and I’ll be as he put it a home wrecker!
Thank you ladies I’ll definitely keep you posted on it
Only you all understand it xx thank you!

[Sunshinedrops]

That’s fantastic want to help!!! I would call that aha moment!
I had one yesterday on my therapy session
Will he change, has he changed from then until no resounding no! I’ve learnt I’ve been triggered about past experience and the fear holding me back! Just to understand this I feel lighter and hopeful that no matter how I try and ‘fix’ him I am not in control of anybody else’s behaviour ooooh wow! There massive shift in me, I hope this feeling stays and I can keep it with me to become stronger to break up! At the minute we are living together but it’s frosty I’m having a big birthday next year and they do say life starts at this stage so ….. it might not be where I thought I wanted to be, but then that’s life! Xx

[Sunshinedrops]

Hi chestnut tree,

I’ve come on here to understand my partner behaviour. I had question is it abuse? and once you start to read a-lot of the woman’s posts I could definitely identify exactly what they were writing about and unfortunately once you know you know!
It’s great that you are here, you will be supported the women are amazing!
From my own experience I seen a lot of red flags when I was younger but choose to ignore them, as he will get better, it’s rough patch I’ll carry on for my children! Yes we’ve had good periods inbetween but it never last and I’m debating to leave after (detail removed by moderator). Irony I don’t want to break his heart! My partner will be nasty if I leave and to have the strength to face an all out war is hard to face! Classic smear campaign in my name for sure! My children are older – pick up on the tension and arguments and I worry that I’m putting this worry on them / that’s very hard to accept, I need to support them and ultimately leave/ you may have time on your side when you’re child younger to leave
Trust your gut, that uneasiness you feel is telling you there is something not right about your relationship. You seem to have done everything to support him and support the relationship! So ask your self? Can you see a life without him? What would that look like, I know being single mum would be tough, could you look at maybe benefit help or see what options are out there for you! Arm yourself with all the information you can get! It’s hard it really is! But aren’t alone!

[Sunshinedrops]

Hi Jeeves,

If it would be easy, we all wouldn’t find ourselves in here. The up and downs, your emotions spinning at 10000 an hour wanting things to change. The what ifs if only he would do this. Ect it’s so dam hard! Then as another person mentioned they do promise you the earth moon and stars! And you begin to think oooh I’m the one destroying this relationship if only I did that he would be happy!
I was listening to podcast and one of the ladies said if you don’t have good healthy boundaries and you don’t leave, you are letting them know they can do what ever they want! In away I agree but I think we are always hopeful that person we fell in love will return an all the upset will disappear!

I’ve been 10000 x ready to try separation this weekend only to go back on my word and he sleeping on the sofa and I’m so cross that I didn’t have the guts to follow through! So yes it’s really really tough! You aren’t alone we all understand x

[Sunshinedrops]

I’m extremely exhausted over the long weekend, I feel all my energy just gone, I went and stayed with a friend (detail removed by Moderator) it was nice light relief but on my return I was highly anxious of coming back! Was met with silent treatment, and then he asked me what did I want to do, should he go off for few days, I said it’s up to you, as I didn’t want to get into a fight, so (detail removed by Moderator) decided to stay! I felt so upset that he would leave, my heart was sore. then I thought this could be the start of the chaos of separation and it was extreme mixed emotions, I backed tracked and thought this is all my fault, I’m crazy, I’m self sabotaging this relationship!
he then subtle made a snide comment and I was right back to the start like oooh nope this is why I feel they way I do!

Need that strength ten fold tonight x

[Sunshinedrops]

Thank you Lisa, last few weeks his behaviour has ramped up he doesn’t like it at all!
Maybe it’s the shift in me, understanding his behaviour! As you say I can see things a lot more vivid!
I’m just emotional exhausted, how do I get the strength to finally leave? It’s. Not easy just to say oh just leave him! There’s so much more in-between the lines that any one else wouldn’t get it, unless yr here! I’m thinking of asking for few days separation but I Truely don’t think it will end well

[Sunshinedrops]

Thanks banana boat, I think that’s why I’m exactly here. Nobody understands unless you’ve been through it! And just to get validation on how you’re feeling is nice change! I just have to keep going, Im trying to gather info about houses, ect but then just stop as it’s hard to face! But I think being here, is truly helping me understand my emotions and will make me stronger to make the bigger decisions xx

[Sunshinedrops]

Thank you ladies for your message of support! When you say he growin up and I cannot change him, I’m thinking how did I get to this stage! My younger self probably wouldn’t tolerate it, so why is his feelings my responsibility, then again isn’t that what happens in long term relationship?!?

I’ve been in quiet funk all week, been busy with children going back to school and working too, I’ve basically spent the week, making sure the homework done, cooking in the evening and then staying in the kitchen, as I do not want to sit in the same room as him. Got some news about one of my children (removed by moderator) and tried to have a chat, only met with him not listening, walking out into different rooms them coming back, sitting down, then off again…. I was like wtf can you just listen, but unsurprisingly 😑 unsupportive as usual xx

[Sunshinedrops]

Just want to send you big congratulations virtual hug! Well done to you! We will certainly support your wins!!!!

[Sunshinedrops]

I’m questioning this too, recently I’m sweating having hot flushes during the day and night! But my anexity has become so bad I’m always on edge, pounding heart and feel very emotional/ coming to the realisation I have been emotional abused has been tough and don’t think I’ve accepted this yet! Opening Pandora’s box with all the emotion I have brushed underneath for years! Which I don’t think my body can take anymore, it’s rising up and it’s over flowing to physical symptons! But if this sweating, hot flashes continue I’ll have to go see if I’m menopausal I’m only (detail removed by Moderator)
Look after yourself and you can always message me

[Sunshinedrops]

Just jumping on the thread here, you aren’t alone, After a an argument I’ve said leave me alone, only to be grabbed, or hand up my dress, and he can clearly see I’m distressed he tuts at me and says for goodness sake am I that awful it would be worse if I didn’t want to touch you. I should be able to touch you. It’s crossing boundaries and it makes my skin crawl! The pit of your stomach aches it just not right.
Then I feel… like I’m an ice queen and I’m being unreasonable I tell myself he was only trying to joke around. Thank heavens for this group I’m learning so much more and I’m waking up
Take care x

[Sunshinedrops]

Hi buttercream41 i whole heartily agree with wants to help too.

I am in similar situation, we bought a house together and things have gotten worse! I would try renting together for awhile see how that goes first. Don’t be like me feeling utterly stuck!

The emotional games is nightmare, second guessing your feelings, and living on egg shells is not fun! It’s gotten to point of wanting to leave, but that means it’s going to be all out war ( he will see it like that) and it will be expensive getting solicitors involved.

So I’m in limbo land, biding my time and going to reach out to support worker in my area!

And like you I thought, oh if I do x, y, b it will get better, or I’ll tell myself I love him, making excuses all over the years! Oh it’s not that bad, Having children, moving home it still didn’t change him,

Look after yourself and take care

[Sunshinedrops]

Oooh thank you my lovely for responding back!, I work in the community within (detail removed by moderator) field and I feel so vulnerable looking towards my women aid group! I love to help other people it’s my job, but turn the lime light on me I feel like shrinking violet!
In away I would always advise to seek help, so why do I feel so ashamed to do so, it’s actually harder than I ever thought to get advice, because I feel I’m in denial, im minimising and thinking oooh it’s not that bad! But in reality I have no sense of what’s the truth any more, I’m suffering from high anxiety 😟 my guts turning all the time. I’ve read posts of such lovely women on here been extremely supportive with each other about discovering emotional abuse. And I’m still like ummmm how do you explain the difference?
I will take your encouragement and try to reach out to my local Group and have a chat ( I would still feel I’m ruining him going to someone else to talk about our relationship – betrayal) but at this point I cannot go on anymore! Thank you for your reply sending love your way xxx

[Sunshinedrops]

I told him It was over, kindda bullies me into telling him and it all spilled over into massive argument! He denied everything and said your still going on about that xyzzy I’m not that bad! I felt I was pulling my hair out. It escalated about (detail removed by moderator)!
I wasn’t expecting that, I think I was in shock a little/ he then says ooh play the victim I know why your going to counselling because you probably telling them it’s abuse!

Aw I feel like running, buy maybe leaning better, I’m going to contact my local office today for advice and maybe I can save some money to rent somewhere it get help with it, as I only work limited hrs

I’m very emotionally drained

Xx

[Sunshinedrops]

I just don’t have any one to sound this stuff off to, I’m an adult orphan and only child, I do not have friends, I’ve kept everyone at arms length probably if they really see what’s going on I’ll get the just leave him comments. I think I’ve done this purposely over the years not to get to close to anyone but really in the end, I’ve isolated myself! Thankfully in work I have manager who is clued in/ seen im unsupported about something else which she picked up on, which made me open up about all of this! We’ve went for coffee and for the first time I let a stranger in! I need to do more of this! And start building friendships without him, or only him!
He tried to be so accommodating tonight, went and got me wine, ect but then is still staying on the sofa, he made a point of sulking /puppy dog eyes oh dear he still on the sofa! But if he asked to sleep in my bed tonight, I think I would have caved in and said ok! But he did not!
Thank you for replying I really needed your support tonight

[Sunshinedrops]

I’m on waiting list but didn’t know that the chat service could advise me will contact them thank you for the advice as always

[Sunshinedrops]

Yes I think that also, especially his family it wouldn’t be pleasant at all,

Thank for the message Jeeves

[Sunshinedrops]

Ps did you ever get commented on about they house, ooh you’ve been home all day, what have you done kindda thing! So if I have been lazy watching tv. If he walks in I’m up pretending to clean the kitchen
It’s kindda werid but maybe you can relate x

[Sunshinedrops]

Thank you hear for help!
Oh I know that line I love you so much, I wouldn’t know how to cope without. Blah, blah, blah it’s almost used as a plaster over all the crap he has done and by saying this it erases it instantly. Sometimes it’s said in excess and it annoys me so much!
When my partner flip it’s him becoming angry, moody, feelings of disgust or that I’m talking shit! So it’s never meet with support. I always feel I’m doing or done something wrong. And it’s extremely exhausting! So I’ve become quite quiet which is sad, as I was always full of fun and chat

[Sunshinedrops]

Aw bumblebee I’m sending hugs,

It’s so shit you just question your own mind at times, as they have perfect picture of themselves, never do anything wrong! And thank you to say that it’s just normal way for us to get on and it get that

[Sunshinedrops]

Aw I just want all of this to go away, I want to hide underneath my duvet and pretend I’m not having these feelings, I’m not going through abuse it’s so hard. When he flips I mean it’s more of the reaction, sometimes it’s disgust, disappointment, what are you talking about? Or can be if you leave I’m going to get very angry and destroy you, so it’s never a ok let’s discuss this and support each other and see if we can work things out. It just leaves me with a feeling uneasiness. Sometimes it’s IS easier to say oh it’s rough patch just blip, we are much better now! I totally get that 💯 Quite shocking I get that and there no way as you say from getting away from reading similar truths xx

[Sunshinedrops]

I wasn’t sure how to post either, probably take us awhile to get use to using this forum! But I’m glad you are here too! I think reading other woman’s stories helps to define what really is going on, I’ve read online about emotional abuse but as my partner extremely subtle,These past few years I was more confused than ever! Hearing you reply was lovely! Going day to day and thinking everything will be alright, is not living – the big question is do I see myself with him in next 5 years, ( answer no) am I happy, (no) what’s right for my children, (leave)
Instead of if I do x,y,z he will be happy, walking on egg shells feeling im the bad person, and I know if I do split he will play the victim and call me all the names under the sun! He will not be flexible towards the children or how we approach owing half the home together.
But this is where we need to become strong and I’m hoping being here, will help me! Sending love your way

[Sunshinedrops]

Twisted sister thank you for your kind words and validating me, it lovely to have that support and kind without any judgement!
I’ve started to journal as I think I’ve ignored a lot, last night I couldn’t sleep my brain was going around and around, thinking of different situations! I’m going this week to start counselling mainly for high anxiety and had few panic attacks since I found that information out, think it’s come at a perfect time too!
Keep in touch! Take care x

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