Supermum

[Supermum]

Well done. Be strong.

[Supermum]

Unfortunately there’s no SARC within the county I live in so it’s a bit of a trek to get to one. I’m hiding enough appointments from him already. We work in the same company so that’s not been easy. If we have another conversation around consent I will try to record it.

[Supermum]

He’s had sex with me every day for four days and I said no every time.

A few days ago I asked him, doesn’t it bother you that if sex begins with me saying no, that never turns into a yes? He said it does bother him, but if he didn’t persist we would never have sex. I said So? He just shrugged. He had sex with me that night, the next morning, last night and this morning.

I have found out that on the day we had that conversation, he phoned two escorts. One phoned him back and they spoke for one minute. I don’t know if he met either of them. Given his foul mood that afternoon/evening I assume not.

I had the all clear from the GUM clinic, although they will need to retest me about 6-8 weeks after my final sexual contact with him, as his contact with escorts seems to be ongoing.

I have been keeping a journal of the incidents involving both me and the kids, with dates, and on Friday I emailed it to the social worker. She wants me to go to the police. The journal includes explicit details of things he has done to me. I had first asked my IDVA if I could send it to her but she seemed uninterested, said she might not be my advisor after the upcoming MARAC meeting. I’m not finding her very helpful. She wants to meet me face to face and suggested a popular supermarket coffee shop. Not exactly discreet!

I am getting the feeling that nobody is going to help me other than myself. I have to take the lead and find the strength.

I am meeting a solicitor next week. I need this to stop. If I didn’t have children relying on me I don’t know if I would make it.

[Supermum]

My GP was able to see me, I’m okay physically. I didn’t go to the police, the idea was really scaring me. A friend said she would go with me but I still couldn’t.

However, today I did go to the GUM clinic and they are testing me for everything. They were lovely.

[Supermum]

I’ve already been to my gp about a previous incident, so I am comfortable going back to her, I should be able to see her tomorrow. I haven’t been able to make a private phone call today, but will try my support worker tomorrow.

The support worker and social worker have warned me about staying safe, I have tried to keep things normal so that he doesn’t suspect.

I don’t think I have internal injuries, it doesn’t feel as bad as previous occasions, but I am definitely getting checked out tomorrow.

[Supermum]

I’m still in limbo because I’ve been assessed as high risk on the domestic violence risk assessment, and my case will have to go to a multi agency meeting. I have a solicitors appointment booked now. I also have been given a support worker.

[Supermum]

My kids reported an incident to school and we now have a social worker, she’s been so kind and helpful and I’ve had no hint they want to split us up, in fact I think they are supportive of my plans to leave him. I have been very open and honest with them. I even disclosed an incident many years ago when my husband hit one of the children so hard it left a big bruise. I was terrified of SS at the time, I didn’t report it and it wasn’t discovered, but now I think it could have helped us. I told the social worker all this. She thinks I’ve become desensitised to the abuse. She said most people are not pleased to have SS involved but they can do a lot to help us.

[Supermum]

Thank you for your replies.

I found a text on his phone from a few weeks ago that seems to suggest he’s been meeting with a sex worker. I’ve showed it to a few trusted friends and nobody can see what else it could mean. That changes things. He doesn’t know I found it, I took a photo of it with my phone. His web history includes lots of porn, sex toys, and more recently local escorts, but I thought that was just curiosity.

I’ve made an appointment with my gp in the new year to discuss sexual health screening. I know there are clinics but I want to talk to her first, I saw her after the time he left me in pain. I’ve never been to a GU clinic before.

Someone picked up that I was abused myself as a child, yes, I was, I was molested for many years. It hasn’t helped with boundaries at all. I also believe my father coerced my mother into sex for years.

Finding that text has really changed my view on things. I’m even reconsidering reporting to the police, which I never thought I would do. But it might help me get him out of the house, so me and the kids can stay.

[Supermum]

Thank you Tiffany. I have questioned his behaviour many times but have never before talked about it to anyone. He has been pressuring me for years to go to a sex therapist to find out how to fix my low sex drive. I was abused as a child so he’s always said it’s my fault that sex between us isn’t good. I finally gave in and agreed to go to a sex therapist this year and after a handful of sessions together, she offered to work with me on my own on the past abuse. Over a period of a few months I found we were talking more and more about what was going on with my husband, not about the past at all. I’m now sensing that perhaps she saw that this was potentially an abuse situation at the outset, and has been gently opening my eyes all this time. The turning point was when she asked me to talk to him about respecting when I’ve said no, and letting no mean no, without any consequences. He managed it for a couple of weeks, when I had a period of high desire, but when I went off the boil, he completely went back to normal. There has been a third time when he used a vibrator in me without consent too, and that time I wasn’t drunk, but he didn’t hurt me. I was worried the whole time. It’s been suggested that I report this stuff to the police but given the fact I usually consented to sexual activity, I feel it’s too much of a grey area, and if it ever went to court I’d have to testify and I can’t do that. I don’t trust that if I report it and don’t want them to act, they wouldn’t anyway, knowing me I’d manage to say the one thing that will trigger them acting anyway.

I’m on a waiting list to be allocated a domestic abuse support worker so I’m hoping that won’t take too long and will help me to work towards freedom. I know I need it, but it’s surprisingly hard to do it for myself. I know the kids need it though, and his attitude towards them hasn’t improved over time, so if I can’t do it for me, I will try my utmost to do it for them.

The big difference that might get me through this time is I’m talking about it. I’m struggling to accept the word abuse, but that’s okay, I’m reading a lot about it and the more I talk and read the more the idea is settling in my head as the truth. I think I’m in for a really hard year but I was writing Christmas cards recently and I’m really hoping that next year, his name won’t be in them. That’s something to aim for I think. I hope I can do this. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, how it works, how long things take, it’s all very daunting.

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