TeaTeaTea

[TeaTeaTea]

Thank you for your reply.

We’ve been passed to the early help team, who are going to send a letter to my house (or are planning to, but I phoned up today, found out, and I’ve requested for this not to happen).

He’s got angry about me pulling him up on behaviour toward our daughter before, so I’m thinking if this letter appears, and he sees it, then it won’t go down well.

My partner hasn’t opened post before, but will ask what letters are, and kind of has an ‘everyone can open the post’ attitude, so I’m not confident that he definitely would not open it, which would be difficult for me to explain.

Is it normal for them to send letters?

Having been advised to not make my partner aware of steps I take towards leaving, and working hard to keep everything hidden, I’m annoyed about this. Am I overreacting?

[TeaTeaTea]

Thanks all. I am getting a second opinion.

I think I may have worded something wrong based on the replies I’m getting…the solicitor suggest that things might be worse in the long term if I followed the advice that WA gave me to leave first and then tell my partner. They suggested it may be better to talk to him first, if at all possible. So, they’re not advising against rocking the boat, I don’t think, unless I’ve completely misunderstood.

[TeaTeaTea]

The kick she was referring to was just a playful kick from him, no harm done, but she obviously didn’t like it. It’s just over the last couple of weeks or so, she’s started saying that she doesn’t like daddy. I don’t think his behaviour has particularly changed, but he was home a lot over Xmas.

By picking up my feelings, I mean that he also play fights with me and is rougher than I would like, so she may be picking up that I don’t like it. For example, a week or so ago he picked up a tea towel and “joked” that he was going to whip her with it. He wouldn’t have done it hard or at all, but she did not get hit because I stood in the way, so he got me instead. He’s got me with a tea towel before, so that’s what she might be picking up on.

Like I said, I don’t believe that he would seriously hurt her. It’s not knowing when to stop (or not start) and how much is too much.

[TeaTeaTea]

Hi, thanks. It is something I have considered, but it won’t solve the whole issue.

Ideally he wouldn’t start it as much and would stop when she’s clearly had enough.

[TeaTeaTea]

Thank you for your replies.

Making out that I’m “boring” or being oversensitive sounds very familiar. He does that with regards to verbal insults too.

I said no slapping  and he carried on anyway. I will do as you’ve suggested and see what he does when I directly ask him to stop.

Thanks again.

[TeaTeaTea]

Thank you both for your replies.

It’s hard to work out whether he’s just inconsiderate and unthinking, or whether its more significant. Much of what he says or does is delivered as a joke or in fun, like he’s just childish, such as encouraging our daughter to call me a “fat cow” as a joke or trying to whip me with a tea towel in the kitchen. He used to “play fight” before sex, nearly every time, and that always made me feel slightly uncomfortable, like a show of strength or something, but it’s nothing something he does anymore. He will invade my space in other ways. For instance, a few weeks ago I was lounging on the couch, and he pulled down his trousers and pants and sat on my head and wiggled. That’s weird, right? And not recently, but he’s got form for being persistent when it’s clear I’ve got no interest in sex, so it’s easier just to go along with it.

Like I said, it’s impossible to talk to him about any of this. He’ll deny it, turn it into a joke or whatever. He has a thing about blaming things on me in front of our daughter, not all the time, but enough for me to notice. For instance, he once accidentally broke one of her toys, but blamed it on me. He doesn’t see any issue with this behaviour. If it were me, I wouldn’t have placed blame, just said it was an accident, etc. because I think that’s the “normal” thing to do. Again, all small things on their own.

Thanks again.

[TeaTeaTea]

Sorry, probably should have clarified.

She is a DA solicitor. Because the abuse is mostly emotional, rather than physical it’s hard to prove anything. She said my partner will say he was just joking, etc. and so unless the situation suddenly changed, then there’s not much she can help me with.

So, what he’s said verbally is not bad enough that he can’t claim it wasn’t a joke or misunderstanding, and anything physical is “rough play” so not bad enough.

[TeaTeaTea]

Thank you, Lisa.

That is helpful.

[TeaTeaTea]

Yes. If do something back to my partner, he just does something else harder. Now I just walk away, if it’s just me and him. I can also relate to the just a joke/me being too sensitive thing.

[TeaTeaTea]

Thanks for your reply.

Does your ex still see your children? If so, do you know whether he still play fights with them?

[TeaTeaTea]

By pointing out that I don’t think he’d seriously hurt her, I’m trying to excuse the rest of his behaviour. I just don’t know what to do about this aspect of his behaviour in particular, whether I need to flag it up really clearly and what that might mean for contact between them two of them, or whether it wouldn’t make any difference at all. Just trying to get a rough idea of what will happen.

[Author]

Posts