TheMouseBites

[TheMouseBites]

I know exactly what you mean about the diary! It does feel like that. But in your case I wonder if amounts of money (or lack of)that you are given and when, days when you felt hungry, amounts of food you had to live on etc maybe all those practical things which may seem really boring to write down at the time, but are so difficult, almost impossible to remember weeks or months later when you may be asked about them by a court, or solicitor etc. If you’ve gone to the effort of keeping a record of it, it may be really useful IF you ever need it.

[TheMouseBites]

Also…and I’ve just thought of this because here I was getting caught up in the ‘logic’ of the abuser and actually responding by trying to prove or disprove his statement…

….when actually what difference does it make? Is this the way he tries to change the subject from his own behavior and blame the victim?

is this his way of saying it was your fault that he hit you?

 

[TheMouseBites]

Ps everything I just said is assuming that you’re not in immediate or physical danger. If you are then have the local emergency women’s helpline number put into your phone. The police may not be the best option, so have an alternative in an emergency.

[TheMouseBites]

Your situation sounds really frightening. I feel for you and send you strength. I think you are doing exactly the right things though. Get all your ducks in a row before you make a move. You are married so you have legal rights, as you know…presumably these are the same in the country you’re in? Most countries also have free legal advice if you can’t afford it, but actually that may come later. The internet may be able to provide the information you need initially. I believe there are international women’s advice services.  Keep a diary (somewhere safe). Find a trusted other person, or several, if you can. But don’t worry if you can’t, you can do this on your own if you need to. Build your escape slowly on strong foundations, but stay flexible and adaptable yourself.

[TheMouseBites]

First of all, do you believe him? Is there any way that you can actually find out whether this is true, I mean, have you got open lines of communication with his previous girlfriends? If so, maybe it would be time well spent to chat with them.
(removed by Moderator)
If you can’t chat to these ex girlfriends then I would be very wary about believing this.

[TheMouseBites]

I don’t know whether it helps to talk about the incidences which have happened to us, I mean, I guess that therapists think it’s a good thing but I’m not sure I agree with that. And sometimes we have to, like in a court case or something.
But, for us here, I suppose what I find really interesting is that there are initial acts of real violence and nastiness which instill fear in us. The understanding that this person might do anything, almost has no limits and certainly doesn’t respect any of our normal and correct boundaries. Then the abuse can become quite subtle after that can’t it? Because the threat is always there. Without that threat none of this could happen.
After a while someone can just look at us, as you mentioned, and the whole weight of the abuse is there behind a simple look. To live with this is very unpleasant. I really empathize with you about this.

[TheMouseBites]

Is it possible for you to talk about things that have happened in the past? Being safe of course, (needless to say!) and no need to be really specific but just the gist. Maybe an example that really hurt.
Does what’s happening now remind you of things that have happened before? Do you feel like you’re being ignored…like in the old fashioned sense of someone too busy watching the Telly or reading to be bothered replying…or do you feel that it’s different to that? Like he’s trying to provoke a reaction? If so, what reaction do you suspect would be wanted?

[TheMouseBites]

So happy to hear this ❤️ ❤️ Sounds like you had a really nice time.  I had a great Xmas too with no drama!

[TheMouseBites]

Its quite difficult to read between the lines of what happened to you (timeframe removed by Moderator). I hope you are ok?
It sounds like you are protecting yourself to the extent of living in a house with someone but not sharing anything at all with them about yourself.
It seems like your comments about the garden were completely normal and nice. Who doesn’t  like to hear a bird singing…who would make an effort to be negative about that? I don’t understand it.

 

 

 

[TheMouseBites]

Support services are sometimes great and sometimes not so much. I don’t understand this at all because surely their entire purpose should be to help people.
All I can say, is that I feel like the fight starts to get real tough at about a month out.
We can try and embrace the  warrior in ourselves, try and reconnect with that feral wee creature that refuses to be victimized. Maybe stop playing fair, maybe stop being frightened off when people don’t seem helpful, maybe stop being reasonable and kind and empathic when the person we’re dealing with is only weaponising these qualities and using them against us.

its the last thing any of us feel like we want to do after all the abuse we’ve been through…but maybe we can reconnect with ourselves through the fight? So, changing locks, getting the police to evict him, phoning a new domestic abuse unit in a different town,  getting someone to come and stay in the house with you, speaking to a solicitor, stopping him from seeing the children and let him take you to court, changing the game any way you can. Fear is how they keep us behaving ‘reasonably’ while they behave completely the opposite way. Fear that they’ll make things worse for us, which they will.

sorry if this sounds like a rant but I’m in a similar place to you and I’m feeling really angry! I tried to behave in a civilised and peaceful way in the hope that we could do things nicely. It counts for nothing.

its a war. These people don’t care.

[TheMouseBites]

I don’t know if this will be any help but I wonder if you could make him leave? Why should it be you and your baby who have to leave?
is this feasible?

I mean, I know how horrible this is, and I chose to leave my home and everything in it because I just couldn’t stand the stress and agression for one more day. But…could you go to the domestic abuse locally for help. Could they make him go?

The other thing that I WISHED I’d done earlier was start recording things. Either just on your phone on Voice Memo…it’s easy to keep it hidden and just press ‘go’ when you need to, practice first alone so you know how it works if you haven’t used it before. Or, even better, have a camera ready to go. Don’t need to let him see what you’re doing…phone can even be in a large pocket and will still record.

good luck.  don’t beat yourself up…it’s hard, and don’t forget it’s not you causing this problem it’s him.But my biggest regret was leaving it so long. Your baby shouldn’t be subjected to this monstrous behavior.

[TheMouseBites]

For me I think it was a slow process of réalisations arriving in stages. It took me a long time. I couldn’t help but start acting a bit odd around him, because the whole thing is odd. I realised it wasn’t me acting odd, I was just starting to act normal in an odd situation. I stopped sharing vulnerabilities with him, I started being secretive, and I just watched what was happening. I wondered if I was weird or avoidant or incapable of commitment or cold or any number of other ‘faults’. It wasn’t easy.
Then I resolved to be absolutely the best, most loving person I could be. To do my absolute best to make the relationship work. When I was still slated for not being good enough I knew it was over. I’d tried my best.
The final stage went fast. I just typed into an internet search engine some of the behaviours of his that I found most troubling and unusual ( in that other people had never done it). I watched what came up on the videos and read the articles.
Part of me regrets it took such a long time and I ‘wasted’ so many years. But actually I think we have to get there in our own time

[TheMouseBites]

I tried for many years to change into the person he wanted, only to find that the goalposts kept moving and I never could get there.

By the end I think I saw him for what he was.

I understand how you feel physically sickened by the displays of love and comfort and caring when you look back on them now. I feel the same.

But we have learned something about the world haven’t we, and about some of the people who move among us.
I like to think they have made us actually more human in the end. Made us realise what a precious gift it really is to be able to love and empathize and be there, for others, for people and animals, and future generations.

 

[TheMouseBites]

I was blamed for pms, then peri menopause, then menopause. It’s a perfect excuse for abusive people to reverse blame and put it on us. It’s just the perfect excuse and it can last a lifetime. No need for a time limit on that one. What was ACTUALLY causing any mood problems that I may have had, was being with somebody who behaved like they hated me, while telling me they loved me.

I have a suspicion that female hormones make us more compassionate, forgiving and selfless…skills needed to be a mother. The menopause was a wake up moment for me.

[TheMouseBites]

You’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s shocking and depressing to realise that ALL of it was part of the abuse. I got a real feeling last time mine was nice and loving to me that he was trying to send the message that this was the ‘factory setting’ of who he was, and that this is how perfect our relationship could be, if only I didn’t keep wrecking it by 1. challenging his version of reality by being an actual human with feelings and opinions 2.not forgetting and forgiving immediately all former abuse, no matter how horrendous it was 3. having any needs or asking anything of the relationship.

yes, the ‘nice’ bits are part of the abuse and they’re the most painful to come to terms with.

thankyou for talking about this…it’s SO important, and SO painful.

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