Waving not drowning

[Waving not drowning]

Thanks both.

I’m just so hurt by the fact he is so resolute and final about not wanting a relationship with me. What have I done wrong?

And wanting to keep me married to him on the off chance years later that we could have a conversation about being back together???

Also he won’t discuss the marriage at all. Hands down refuses and says he doesn’t want to. But then says I’m his best friend and he wants me as that.

You guys are right I need to stop thinking about his thoughts and focus on mine – but they keep playing tricks on me telling me I want him back 🙁 I’ve spent all week listening to Dr Ramani and I feel like I’ve gone backwards not forwards in acceptance and it’s literally breaking me. My only day to myself today and I’ve not left bed 🙁

[Waving not drowning]

I feel like I wrote this myself… so so similar. I’m struggling with it ending bizarrely and feel like I want him back but am staying strong as it actually is making me ill even thinking and remembering the abuse.

Stay strong everyone

WND x

[Waving not drowning]

Thanks so much everyone that’s exactly what I needed to hear.

The coldness – yes! I’m to mother of your child and we were/are MARRIED?! Did that mean nothing.

It is literally like I don’t exist… I’m in counselling with a therapist and she’s great – I told her my goal was really to understand what makes me happy as sadly I don’t know anymore….

I’m just finding everything so bloody hard. And have these awful moments where I think an abusive relationship is preferable to this awful void of nothingness…

The what ifs are awful. And I feel so rejected and discarded like I was/am nothing. That really really hurts…

[Waving not drowning]

Oh wow these relies have me chills…. SO similar. Tried counselling and he basically spent (detail removed by moderator) talking about himself or what a crap person I am with the counsellor not managing him properly despite me telling her privately that he was likely a narcissist. Still (detail removed by moderator) – I assume for narcissistic ego supply and validation for his actions.

He has tried all sorts of excuses for his behaviour, autism, medication, some kind of illness that means you are exhausted all the time…. Unfortunately none of these actually make you violent and abusive do they? Only you can do that.

[Waving not drowning]

I could have written this myself Mellow. It is so traumatic particularly when children are in the house.

What gave me some comfort was the police told me they make their assessment of the situation and make their own decisions. I didn’t want him arrested either I thought that the police would act as mediators and tell him his behaviour was unacceptable and to calm himself down. But he didn’t calm down and he kept going and going which is how he ended up being arrested.

It all happened so quickly it feels like a bad dream. Of course because he is unable to take responsibility for his own actions he is blaming me for the arrest. I didn’t even phone the police – someone else did.

I also googled whether you can be responsible for the arrest of someone else and the fact is you can’t.

We’re all responsible for our actions and sadly sometimes third parties need to intervene to call time on abusive behaviour. Hope you’re ok. You’re with friends here x

[Waving not drowning]

Sounds familiar… we had a similar incident when my son was days old and I was sleeping elsewhere with him in the house.

I find the response to objection of abuse the most frightening.

His period of grace has started to slip already and I’m being bombarded with questions and instructions to do things and exasperation when I say I’m doing something else. Now I’ll have to do what he requests or we’ll start the whole ‘you never do what you say you’re going to do’ merry dance.

[Waving not drowning]

Hmmmm I could do with some advice/perspective today. I’ve been having a mot of doubts this morning – the whole am I doing the right thing/ have I just fucked my whole life up / we were so happy / we have SO much in common / I know we can be happy again – doubts so perfect breeding ground for love bombing… which I think is happening.

First he wouldn’t leave me and my son alone even though it was my turn to parent. Hung around in the same room as us trying to engage in pollute conversation etc. then went out – called me but I missed it – then sent a message if he could pick anything up etc. I didn’t reply to this as didn’t see it.

Then got home and he’s bought me gifts…… practical ones but things I haven’t asked for.

Is this the start of another cycle do you think? X

[Waving not drowning]

My situation is incredibly similar.

We are at the point where birthdays, holidays, Christmas, Easter, nights out, and even nights in that are supposed and planned to be ‘nice’ are ruined. Even our anniversary was spent not talking to each other after a massive blow up.

It’s so exhausting and relentless, and I too find it REALLY hard to believe it’s happening or in the moment when I am sad, remember life before this starting happening.

[Waving not drowning]

I should add I wasn’t drunk pregnant – he was!! So there was no way he could try and tell me I remembered that incorrectly although he did attempt to…

[Waving not drowning]

Thank you.

I let is truly the most terrifying experience isn’t it? I have no idea who I married and I am CONSTANTLY questioning whether this is abuse.

But the facts are – the constant behaviours I am subjected to are:

* everything – and I mean everything from the way I put my sons shoes on to how loud the tv is – is wrong or done improperly and I am unable to do anything right and nothing is good enough
* mimicking and telling me I am ‘excitable’ and was ‘shouting’ when I wasn’t
* lying to provide a helpful version (for him)
* told I am ‘an absolute disgrace’ and an unfit mother
* told I am the abuser and I am abusing him
* confusing word salad arguments
* demanding I provide examples of things I object to and demanding answers to his constant line of questioning
* constant calls and messages in the day when he’s at work
* after I make a nice meal (I do enjoy cooking) he says I do it to lord over him (??)
* tells me what I think and what I want (‘you think you can just do what you want and you don’t care who it affects’ ‘you don’t want a marriage you want a puppy to kick’ etc.)

And specific examples of terrifying events are:

* restraining me so hard when I was pregnant he bruised my wrists (he said I was out of control and was doing this to protect me)
* storming off on holiday when I was pregnant drunk and leaving me in the street crying not sure what had happened
* told me I was disabled (detail removed by Moderator)
* told me I was a toxic cancer (detail removed by Moderator)
* removed the chain off the front door (so he could always ‘get into his own house’)
* tried to break in the (detail removed by Moderator) window when I had locked myself in there to be safe
* smashed a glass (detail removed by Moderator) and threw his wedding ring off in front of my son
* threw a pot (detail removed by Moderator) at my head and told me ‘it was a joke’ and I was a ‘very strange lady’ because I took exception to it
* told me I was a lunatic and need locking up

Some of these things he apologised for and some not. I am guessing I should be in no doubt that this is abuse.

Thanks Grey Rock I’ll look at book too. Sounds very fitting….

[Waving not drowning]

This is great advice thanks.

[Waving not drowning]

Thank you so much.

[Waving not drowning]

I just wish I could rid myself of this intense guilt. I had an indiscretion recently with someone who showed me kindness after a weekend of abuse and belittling and I know I shouldn’t have done it because it’s playing havoc with my mind but it felt like a way of really never ever going back. Not justifying it just stating fact.

I will work on my exit plan and keep focussing on what life will be like the other side of it. What do you do if you have no where to go though? And my son is school etc.

[Waving not drowning]

I called them before after I had been verbally abused and was so upset and objected to my treatment I accidentally let it slip I was going to call and he said ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’.

Contrary to what my husband thought they were VERY good. It was really hard to accept and there were a lot of tears but I will get in contact again.

[Waving not drowning]

You guys are amazing. I already feel better.

It’s such a confusing state to be in as I can see things happening and have even recorded him abusing me verbally (he then found the recordings and really lost control with rage) but I keep thinking I’m the one that is guilty and I’m an awful person.

He is on best behaviour now, putting the clothes away, walking the dog, taking our son out but see down I know it won’t last.

He actually verbally abused me in front of my parents (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago which was the very final straw.

Thanks for the recommendations I’ll get reading.

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