Whatislove

[Whatislove]

So I did it. Spoke to police honestly. They said I’m very high risk & wanted me to give a statement. I couldn’t at the time so they gave me protective equipment for my home, which I thought unnecessary. Unfortunately I was wrong and another incident happen resulting in his arrest. Since then things have moved quickly & I have had the most nightmarish time having to give statements, little sleep & a myriad of emotions. Thankfully I’ve had the best support! A friend is a police officer & was with me along the way to keep me logical. Now I just feel numb. How did you all cope when it all hit the fan? Did you just want it all to go away (hide under the covers)? Or did you feel empowered and strong? Was going through a statement of the whole story hard? Did you trust the process? Any advice, again, I’m grateful for.
WIL x

[Whatislove]

Thank you all. So… I called to report it all. Police have been s**t & inconsistent. Basically almost sending someone out to my property whilst my kids were around & it wasn’t very safe. I had already asked them for a pre-arranged appointment at my parents! So upset! Thankfully they finally called first, told me they’d call back at a certain time & didnt. This is what I feared. I’ve been here before so many time’s. The last time I was a ‘priority’ they didn’t see me for two weeks. By then I pulled back.
And that is my current issue. Maybe someone can empathise. As soon as I report something I lose faith in their help & a really really strong emotion takes hold; anger at everyone, annoyance that they’re ‘relieved’ I’m doing this (yeah great! Try being in it with the pain, guilt & missed up emotions!), protect the abuser from what I’m doing, grief & sadness that I didn’t feel when I left/filed for divorce… Just this massive amount of anger that I’m having to do this & with everyone’s happiness/jokiness (to cheer me up), deep deep sadness & panic. Help! I didn’t think I’d be back to this again. I hate this! And they’re supposed to see me very soon

[Whatislove]

Finally reporting everything to police after an incident last night. Shaking… Wish me luck. The brain fog is fighting the reality. 🙁

[Whatislove]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate everything you’ve said. I can’t really get my head around how this has happened after so many months of quiet. It’s brain confusion, like living my old life. He’s going completely crazy because I think he knows I’m serious about it being over. And I really am. But just can’t find the strength to a the b*tch I need to be. Or should be after the physical & mental tortures he’s put on me for years. I spoke to a friend of the family who’s a very senior police officer off the record. He told me to do three things; 1. Keep a diary of everything, 2. Report the harassment as they can only see its harassment if it’s reported over time- not one incident (so anyone reading this going through the same & doing nothing, start reporting it ASAP) & 3. Apply for a restraining order (with power of arrest if poss) through my solicitor.
I started the diary last night. One days worth of calls covered a whole page! It was shocking to see. I’m going to report it tomorrow (wish me luck with not pulling back on it). I really need some more resolve right now. Sucks we’re all such caring people that end up in these relationships as it makes it all the more harder to turn off our empathy.

[Whatislove]

Wow everyone! I wish you’d been around when I left the other times. You guys are amazing, inspiring & it feels like I have so many women who get ‘it’ rooting for me & cheering me on. I can’t tell you how that feels.

A family member is staying tonight. Iv played it very safe with the husband, as I think an initial backlash & guilt trip may send me two steps back. I lied & said police want to get social services involved if you are staying at the house, to make sure the children are safe. However, the are satisfied not to take this action if a family member stays at my home to make sure you aren’t there.

I know it’s terrible to lie. But I’m trying to make this easy on myself. Uncle buck has told me to go no contact now, but not to block him yet to give him some rope to proverbially hang himself on, should he message me about the abuse at all. I do already have some stuff in writing.

He sent me 4 messages in reply to mine. First one was lovely and disarmed me. Second was saying he loved me. Third was longer with a few guilt trips thrown in about wanting to come home & if he doesn’t freeze to death he’ll speak to me tomorrow. Last message was asking if I told police that he’s a good man/father & asking if this is what I really want.

I haven’t responded. And yes, it’s like waves of feeling very determined & ‘lucid’ to the reality. And then the drag to fall back under. So far so good though. One day at a time.

[Whatislove]

Thank you everyone. I’m touched. Really. I plan to take into account all of your comments whilst getting through this.

Step 1,2 & 3 is done. He’s out of the house. Iv lied & told him police are coming to question me as someone reported something (it’s happened before so them attending isn’t unusual & I get left to downplay everything whilst he hides somewhere). Family will be over soon so then we break the news & I go no contact. I’m bricking it. Feel sick. I can feel my trauma bond alter-ego clawing to protect what we’ve had. But I’m pushing on ahead regardless. The truth can’t be ignored this time. But s**t, I know I’m going to suffer for the foreseeable future until I’m unbonded & have healed a bit. He’s just a man. It’s just a ridiculous bond. He doesn’t define me. I can’t be with a man who’s so cruel. I keep telling myself this stuff. I’m so strong. I went through worse than this as a child. Iv overcome so much & im still a happy, nice, empathetic, kind person who loves life. I deserve so much more. Come on brain. You’ve gotta win this one for once.

[Whatislove]

Any suggestions on how to get through the trauma bond on a postcard please 😬

[Whatislove]

Hi diymum@1 – you’ve been so supportive all the way through this. Thank you. I have explained how Iv felt before. The trauma bond. He has instructed other female family members that they must stay with me & the girls for the foreseeable future until I am over the worst. The trauma bond is the bit I’m dreading getting through as it makes me stubborn, a liar, a person who feels so strongly that this is all wrong & I must protect the fantasy, I must protect him. It’s totally strange to have so much logic & knowledge & then to go through this bit. If I feel the urge to turn back at the moment I keep telling myself “it’s just the trauma bond” which keeps me grounded. I know it’s going to be s**t. And I wasn’t ready for that before. Now I’m like- bring it on! I cannot live with a man who can hurt me or tell me I’m a piece of s**t because I’m crying. I cannot expect my kids to grow up in a house like that. I just can’t. So sadness, grief, bond or not, I just have to do this. The old me would do this. And she’s still in there. Screaming to get out.

[Whatislove]

Thank you Landy. I remember those moments from leaving before. I think the hard part for me was adjusting to this weird emptiness where once there was constant drama. I feel stronger this time. He is going to kick off big time. Thank god Iv got a family member (I’ll just call him Uncle Buck on here) who has decided to get involved & be my saviour! He’s being very strong & giving me deadlines to work to to do this. (He’s an older family member not a romantic interest just to clarify.) He used to work for social services so totally understands & is giving me stark but sound advice on how this will impact on my children if I stay.

[Whatislove]

Just to follow up on this, on how it is at home. Apparently I’m cold & he’s so tired of it. (detail removed by moderator) he shouted at me because I asked one innocent question. All day after it was him telling me how awful I am because I caused that to happen. I told him in a message “look, I don’t want to fight so have a good day” – in so many words. Again, I’m being cold. I get home from work, clean the house, cook a nice dinner, I’m in a good mood. He’s passive aggressive. I ask him what’s up & he sites today’s argument & something about last night. I have no idea what was wrong last night. Apparently I was horrible to him because I spent too long settling the kids & then I was tired & went to sleep (I’m assuming that he’s insinuating I didn’t have sex with him- I haven’t for a while because I’m afraid of him). So yeah. Total bliss this relationship for me. Not for poor him. The victim. I’m being sarcastic of course. If I don’t put an x on the end of a text or ask him a question I get the day from hell. If he physically assaults & traumatises me I’m supposed to run into his arms because any other response would be an overreaction. Total logic. So ready for tomorrow. The fog has totally lifted.

[Whatislove]

I agree that I should’ve been stronger last time. I was reassuring & she was fine when she was with me (she’s in lower years of primary). My eldest (in secondary) wants it to end. She’s very wise for her years & has had enough of it all. It’s heartbreaking all around really. If I had gone with it a year ago by now it would be easier. But my guilt, then coupled with breaking no contact & feeling guilt for the husband (I won’t use MY anymore) sucked me back into the hole & has probably been more confusing for my youngest. (Feeling like a c**p mum over here.)

I just don’t understand the contradictory advice. On the one hand you are supposed to be honest, but on the other you are not supposed to speak badly of the other parent. How can I explain that daddy & mummy love them but daddy ‘bullied’ mummy and that’s not ok. She’s likely to say it back to him, I’ll be accused of poisoning their minds & hell most likely react & say something to her which will cause even more emotional distress to her poor little mind. I just want to protect my children. The scales have fallen irrevocably and I know this marriage is toxic to them. But being honest which then causes more pain just seems unfair. As it is the husband has drummed into her head that “mummy kicked poor daddy out”. If I ask him to leave again that’s what she’ll think so I’ll have to be honest… can you see that my heads going around & around with this 🤦🏼‍♀️

[Whatislove]

Thank you diymum@1 I really appreciate you still talking to me & counselling me through this. The weekend from hell it seems. The house is in my name so he’ll have to leave. But has nowhere to go this time as his one friend & family he used to stay with have all moved.
I just called my mum for first time in ages & said we should all book a cottage holiday somewhere in the summer. So obviously part of me has already disengaged & is making plans that won’t include him (my parents don’t know we’ve been back together & Iv shut them out a lot because of him). So I feel really positive just doing that. Iv been watching videos too about breaking a trauma bond. I’ll try to call WA tomorrow. Hard as I work such a full on job with only half hour break. But I’ll give it a go.
Thank you so much again. I feel like now I have you guys I can focus on reality & it’s really truly helping. I’m not crazy or weak- and people do get out of these insidious relationships. Such a comforting thought. Makes me look forward & not backwards.

[Whatislove]

Thanks for responding so much diymum@1
I waited on a response from someone as I wanted to be sure I’m doing the right thing tonight. I went (removed by moderator) to test the waters. (removed by moderator) & got really angry. Then in my face with “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I did what I did. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so so sorry.” He then got annoyed because I asked him if he even thinks of my feelings when he calls me names or hurts me.” He turned it all around telling me I hurt him by being annoyed and cold. I walked away thinking of ur words as I did. He shouted after me & slammed the door to the room.
Maybe I’ll text him tomorrow to tell him it’s over. I don’t know. I’m still having to fight the urge to back down & let him back in. It’s all so hard.

[Whatislove]

I think I’m going to tell him (removed by moderator), once the kids are in bed. I think I need to just do it. Please don’t dissuade me. I know it’s a worrying time. But I’m in constant flux so it needs to happen. It hurts already & I can already feel the hook & pull back in. So fighting it like an addict. It’s time. Iv written the list to myself as to why. Maybe if I grieve it first this time I’ll get through it quicker. The other times I ran on anger for months & by the time the grief hit it was because he’d taken himself away from it all (found someone else). It’s gonna hurt like hell. I know that. Iv done it before.

[Whatislove]

Thank you SO much. Your words help me no end. Grabbing the bull by the horns is exactly what I need to do. I’m too afraid to call WA just yet. But after i know I will. He’s so passive aggressive then telling me I’m crazy if I ask him not to look at me like he does or interrupting my time with the children because he wants a hug, even though he looks so hate filled at me. Telling me he’s just being normal & it’s all me causing the issues. Anyway, it’s time. Soon. I can’t keep living like this. I have to get out & then I’ll fall apart. But I have to be strong enough to cope this time. I know I can. But yes, there’s lots of psychology to fight against. God, I wish it were easy.

[Whatislove]

*overreacting (not overeating!! 😆)

[Whatislove]

I posted on this forum before under ‘I think I’m ready’ which gives more detail on what’s going on. Goal is for him to leave. But I’m in serious grief as it’ll be (removed by moderator) time & I know what’s coming. I’ve been through the stalking, spy wear put on my computer, threats to his life, etc, etc. The last time I was ok for a few months but he hoovered me back into wanting him, but he wouldn’t come home. I lost 3 stone over a few months, was begging at that point, he was having sex with me & then discarding me, then calling me copious amounts a day (usually early in the morning when he knows I’m waking up & vulnerable) to scream abuse at me about getting rid of him, he acted like he was suffering so couldn’t come home to me. Unbeknownst to me he was living with another woman & they were having the most amazing relationship. When I found out I started divorce proceedings. He panicked & then begging me to rescue him from this woman. I did. Going (removed by moderator) made me feel like s**t. He stayed for a few weeks & then left me to go back to her. Then came crawling back to me. This went on until she wised up & messages me with ALL of the details of his messages, their life, the lies he had told about me. I was devestated but believed his heartfelt apologies. He then stayed with me but was depressed about losing her, told me graphic detail of their sex life, secretly emailed her an apology (she sent it to me), withheld affection, I had to get tested as he’d slept with us both for months.
Iv tried to make it better. Date nights, holidays with the children, amazing moments. And those are the ones I find hard to let go of, even though I made them happen. It’s been so one sides & yet I find it hard to believe I can do them without him. I high moments are heaven. And I tend to forget his moods or how he can ruin them. He sees me as wanting too much from him all the time. He’s been physical & he’s verbally abused me in front of the children. The children have been through so much. I don’t want to break their hearts with another break up & their mum unable to eat. But I can’t keep them in this with a man who is so abusive.
Part of me (the strong part) says “he’s just a man, you’ve left men for less than this & you’ve been fine’. So why am I so brainwashed & intrenched in this relationship. He’s hurt me physically. That full stop should mean it’s over. Yet, even now he’s asking me to stop focussing on the extremes & overeating about it & just love him. God I’m exhausted with the whole thing. I suffer in it, I suffer out of it.
Thank you for all of your comments. They are helping me to keep seeing it for what it is. I wish I’d found this forum years ago.

[Whatislove]

Help! I’m in bits. I’ve cried all day & am emotionally exhausted. He’s called me a selfish f**k, piece of s**t between the begging, pleading. Start as soon as I woke up so feeling vulnerable & my resolve has truly been tested. Iv cried for all the good times that I know I’ll miss and then Iv cried for the part of me that kept letting him back in. For every trauma that he minimises. Iv been able to say nothing in return to the overwhelming emotion that comes my way from him. My heart aches & I feel dizzy & like I’m going to mentally break half the time that it’s happening. He’s pleading & then saying he can’t beg anymore & will have to give up on me as he can’t live with me being so distant. He’s trying so hard & im just too traumatised to reach out. Then I think about how he’s seen me upset and has been verbally abusive over & over. Today was supposed to be a weekend day of down time but instead it’s been a dark, emotionally wrung out day from beginning to end. Part of me feels emotionally divorced & part of me is on the floor in upset over how Iv loved this man through thick & thin, tried to make it so great between us & he’s still ended up being physical again. I’m a mess. I need some strength.

[Whatislove]

Thank you so much ladies. It all came out to him. Not that I want him to go. Just that I can’t forgive him for the last physical thing that happened. I matter of factory said that I feel traumatised. He went between the very emotional, crying, “it’ll never happen again & im sorry”, “if u ask me to leave you may as well kill me” (I’m paraphrasing for the sake of the forum but it was heavier on emotion & pressure). I couldn’t even react. I feel numb. I think he’s gotten the picture though I’m loathed to pull my big girl pants up and straight out say it. This time I truly cannot forgive him. He’s now moping, interrupting my time with the kids (reading, bedtime, etc) to tell me in so many words- “please, forgive me” and I’m trying to deflect so as it isn’t fair on them to be part of this. I feel strong. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel & my head keeps telling me that this relationship has to end even if I have to go through misery & pain (the urge to go back basically) to get there. I haven’t been ready for that as the last time he basically tortured me with another woman, stealing my stuff to give to her (I found out), massive tantrum in front of the children, about 50 phone calls a day & if I didn’t answer on any other platform he could, even go my office, I could go on. But I’m ready for it as much, if not more, than before. I REFUSE to be with a man who can do this to someone. I was so stupid to let myself go back again & again to only end up like this.
This forum is a godsend. Thank you all. I will be firm about the police. I wish I could have someone here but that means owning up to lying to my family & them possibly not trusting that this is the last time. They’re fraught, worried & frustrated with it all
I changed the locks the last time he left so he only has a spare key now to the back door. I’ll have to change it again I guess.
I know I’m going to miss the good bits & my heart aches at that thought. But I did it before under huge emotional strain from him. I was almost there. I have to believe I can get there again, properly this time.
Again, thank you

[Whatislove]

Yes, I’ve looked into trauma bonding which seems pretty apt. But how do you break it? I’ve tried everything & im my own worse enemy with it all. I downloaded the freedom project but never had enough alone time to do it. I’ll have a look at it again, thank you x

[Whatislove]

Thank you KIP. I spoke to WA last year and it did help. But it’s like my brain compartmentalises everything. Once I get help from family & friends I suddenly get this super strong urge to turn back, protect him, letting him back in. WA told me he is a real master manipulator. I told them a lot more detail than I posted on here. He loves to be the victim, has no friends, “would die for me”, tells me I’m braking up the family & guilt trips & threatens to kill himself when I do leave. Friends & family have since left me to it as I think it’s been going on so long they don’t know what to say or do & I frustrate them. And I did follow up with police when I asked him to go as again, felt terrible for lying. They took details but because I went into protecting him mode afterwards I played it down to being probably my fault & more of a domestic dispute. Even though Iv called them countless times in the past. If he would only leave me alone to grieve after it’s all done I could probably move on. But he says he’ll never let me go. Not on my terms anyway. I feel so sorry for the other woman who was used and manipulated, cheated on & who kept forgiving him too. What a mess! Part of me right now feels like I’m getting stronger & that I’m so much better than this man-baby & I can walk away to happiness. But the process to do that scares me. I don’t trust myself anymore.

[Whatislove]

Hi Overcome,

I haven’t been on here for a few days so only just saw your message. So it’s been over (detail removed by moderator). The husband hasn’t been able to contact me as my uncle has acted as a go between and my family have taken shifts staying with me. He’s spoken on the phone with the kids (detail removed by moderator) & sees them once for a day on the weekend for now. My family do the kid exchange. Straight after he left I filed for divorce. He received the petition today. I have no idea how he feels & frankly I don’t care (I say this with surprise as for years I left & deeply hurt so eventually went back, time & again). He’s covertly tried to contact me. He put items in a shopping bag on a joint shop account we had- a (detail removed by moderator) and a (detail removed by moderator). I changed the password straight away. So far he’s told my solicitor he wants an amicable divorce (after getting over the shock of receiving the letter no doubt). But I feel so different. Before when I’d left the future felt like stepping off a cliff & my worth was still wrapped up in him/his opinion. Now I just think when I look at photos of him “what was I thinking?! To marry & stay with a low life, woman hating, can’t keep a job, violent, a-hole!” The future feels like a long road on a starry night- hidden yet beautiful & freeing. That’s the only way I can describe it. My home is calm, my kids are relaxed, I feel fun & young(ish) again. I don’t know what’ll happen next. Maybe he’ll accept it this time & move on. Maybe he’ll suddenly freak & start the harassment, stalking, etc again. The thing is, I see it now. I get it. It’s not about me after all. I’m not the problem. My worth is not defined by him & his issues. They’re his not mine. They’re nothing to do with me. If he wants to screw up his life then that’s up to him. But he can’t touch me with that anymore. I’m still me. I just got lost along the way. The old me woke up somehow during the last physical assault & stood up inside me again & said “no more”. And I’m so happy she did.
You’ll be ok. You’ll get there. Get the hard part over. Post on here & these amazing ladies will help. Go no contact. It’s the best! Good luck to you xxxxx

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