Woke up

[Woke up]

I also have flashbacks and relive the violence and I once sat down and wrote a list of everything he had done to my phycialy and I swear if it had been all at once I would be dead three times over!! Sounds like you are suffering post traumatic stress xx and its terrifying!! Especially from someone who claims to love you! It isn’t love it is torture… It is good to remember what he has done to you and look at it in the context that it is a crime!! If he had dine this to a stranger it would be in the papers…the fact you are looking at it this way means you are moving on..its shocking it’s disgusting but it is the past and with time it will become easier and you will be careful who you let into your life and won’t tolerate it again XXX don’t give up hope your special and are in the right place here and not alone xx I did not think it would ever get better but it will I promise you. Don’t let this monster win get help and support and treat him like the illness he is..sending love to you x

[Woke up]

It took me (detail removed by moderator) years and I feel the same way!! I guess we adapt too there behavior and it becomes normalised but when you leave you sit there in disbelief at what we put up with!! And after a while it becomes alien to us xx your not alone and well done for leaving …onwards and upwards xx

[Woke up]

I hope so x leaving him has ment leaving most of my friends as they were mutual. I have never felt such loss before trying desperately to move and it looks likely I will in the next month and a half and also getting rehoused afterwards but right now I live with just his ghost and nothing but emotional memories .the only way for me is to leave and live by myself somewhere else .just shope his ghost won’t haunt me forever and I can’t find love again or take these issues with me.I did truly love him but every body tells me it isn’t love, if it wasn’t love then what was it?? I am starting to blame myself now and thought of sorting myself out and maybe he come back etc but its insane.if I built a new life he would just wreck it,he wrecked anything I had. It just feels like he rampaged through my life and then chucked me away like a used tissue and now I have no friends ams noono one je would want to be my friend because I have a ghost living with me. (detail removed by moderator).I feel like I am conditioned ro wait now like a trained dog so this lack of closure with all the why’s and why did he beat me so much and why did he call me those names I have to keep the baggage .I will just keep on trying to Carey on day by day but its painful and there is no magic spell . very confused and alone with what if and feel like I have lost a limb.but deep down I didn’t want to be put down and hurt let down all of it that’s not who I want to be with and a fresh start should be exciting and I am trying but it still hurts

[Woke up]

Yeah I forgot to add its all my fault by the way!! He has female friends too platonic that’s what I don’t get either this man is seriously twisted .he could sleep anywhere I remember being on long journeys and being jealous and when I loved him ams its so sad to wake up and realise it’s all one-sided and the person you trusted and thought was the one was actually jusyc a user dominator and latched on to all I had and took over for his own benefit. Sometimes I think he only loved my dog and transport but I was just a necessity if you catch my drift x any way rambling sorry what head fucks these men are ro us I am scared ofer trusting anyone again!

[Woke up]

I totally agree this feeling comes in waves I suffer extreme loneliness as we were always together i had no space at all my whole life was dedicated to his needs and when it ended I had a huge void and thought I would not stop crying but when I ran out of tears and got out of bed and distracted myself from the thoughts about him by walking my dog in a public park every day and even walking to the shops and browsing in a charity shop I do anything now doesn’t matter his silly it is to not wallow and think and I have no time for loneliness xx

[Woke up]

Me too I feel so much calmer being out of the city I live in everywhere reminds me,we were together an unhealthy amount of time even we knew this we used to be together 24 7 and even tho I was here before him at the moment it feels like its tarnished and I worry about bumping into people who know him too . the only way I can be me is to cut all ties and concentrate on me and the only way is to go and its also a liberating feeling knowing now he can’t ruin any dreams opportunities or friendships I make with people. The end of him and the end of this saga is to be brave and make something of my life now x x in some surreal way I believe things must improve now

[Woke up]

Thanks happiness I really feel a new start is my only option now everything and everywhere reminds me of him and also without him now the fig has cleared and its made me anylise my whole life which has been dominated by him and his dreams and I am going to be brave and start again x be independent and reclaim my spirit and interests xx and if he does,well when he does come and find me I will have the will and strength to say f off XXX he ruined all my opportunities all my dreams all so I was only there for him.and feel moving and having a fresh start will give me some empowerment and confidence which he has stolen from me x embrace change move on from the crumbled ruins and build a new life from scratch x make something positive and beautiful from the darkness and tears x

[Woke up]

Hey I think you should take time off from relationships to love yourself again x it you still have unresolved issues with him you should not be in a new relationship xx and exactly as confused has said would he contact you if you had a health scare? Probably not sorry to say. The fact your posting in a domestic violence group shows he is a domestic abuser in your eyes so why go backwards for more grief you have already moved forwards x I constantly think about my ex and it’s unfair for me to bring baggage into a new relationship I know that however lonely I get and I was serious contact dependant I know it will get better especially if you keep on opening up on here and taking time to heal xxxx you worry because you feel a bond with someone and its unhealthy because you still care and he obviously doesn’t or else he would have contacted you for support but it’s too late now because you know the true him that he won’t admit too so he won’t want you if he knows your aware of who he is xx be good to yourself and remember the bad things he did to you and that you don’t want an unhappy life anymore

[Woke up]

I M actually getting quite scared now as I have not heard anything from this order (detail removed by Moderator) and I am scared the judge will make me go to court and admit to things I didn’t do he lied and lied and what about what he did this is so unfair to me. Some days I feel like just running away from everything I would rather die than gave him and his lies in court. I have a feeling he has not attended or something or they need evidence why won’t he just leave me alone now

[Woke up]

I am going to get help with this from a local domestic abuse service next week. Still upset they rang police and betrayed me and I must go to there office as they believe I am unable to manage my emotions and I shouted at them on the phone apparently I think more from sheer desperation and frustration as they are supposed to help but for a month I have had to keep calling them but I am not violent I will go in and prove this and will hopefully learn from them a way to manage my emotions as everything from the last few years has hit me at one anger loneliness frustration confusion anxiety depression and you name it I experience it and they said it was a blessing he has done this but I am upset that they basically told him that I was trying to recover dB counselling as I don’t want him to know as now I have he knows what games to play. But I have a goal and that is to move very far away and am getting support with this so when he does decide to contact me I will never be here. I wish I could deal with this in more of an adult way but he has emotionally nuked me and I just need help and guidance to understand why he is this way and move on forever and hopefully never meet another man like this again.everyone I know has said this order is a blessing in disguise and I am now actually starting to believe them. It’s thee shock of silence after so many years of being a slave to him it’s like I’m in a desert it’s so quiet xxx and I hope I can find a well and stay here for longer

[Woke up]

That exactly how I have ended up being left d
Feeling. I have not contested it I just read it and in some way it had helped show me not only is h violent but everyone was right he was manipulative and a lier and a thief too. I have hospital records x rays witnesses police call logs I speak to women’s aid they have a log of my calls some from years ago so I could charge in historic abuse and he was on tag when he attacked me my last memory is his screaming I am a cunt, whore, etc and then all I remember is my hair so much hair ripped out…. Again! This has happened maybe 5 times and that’s just hair but I keep saying if you hit me m please hit me not on my face or touch my hair. I had (detail removed by Moderator) from my past and I have got mental health problems heightened entirely by him, not only over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years has he convinced me to stop taking my Meds because of my libido he has eaten them himself.. And regretted it and probably hidden them as well but I did not need constant reminders I had mad there was no caring of my well-being. He would just get angry and impatient and then say it was my condition stressing him out. I think complete bullshit now I believe at the time but now.. I am starting to believe everything was a lie and I’m trauma bonded. Maybe I should get legal advice. Maybe I can get this turned around. I have a marac apparently (detail removed by Moderator). He did not have a body map done as he knew he push me he know it’s self defense he said he remembered pulling out my hair. He got drunk blacked out and I defended myself and he remember the bits he wants too but this order has taken quite a few days yet. Maybe they know I have a marac and looking deeper or maybe I just accept it and move on as I am obviously no good to him now…. I stood up for myself and I defended myself and now I getting help and moving out of town and I want to meet someone who is just one thing xx respectful. The order was obviously designed to hurt me deeply. He even said he is scared of his own life!! How on earth did I feel the 50 plus times he stamped on my face. But I won’t get my day in court end of the day I believe he will eventually put himself in jail without my help x

[Woke up]

Thank you kip trauma bonding I will look it up I am sick of this his shit. He created this mess and all I did was defend myself the difference is he was not the one who was hurt too and he used this opportunity to tell everyone that he was right she was mad she deserved it ect everyone knows who he is really is buy he has convinced himself now that I am mad and I deserve it and I hope the order is permanent coz end of the day Its a blessing. One day when I am not there to blame he will get himself into real shit and she will press charges. I had amazing times with him and at my expense of course course but he can’t hide from who he found really is forever and I want to move upwards and onwards away have an opportunity to move to a new place and have a fresh start and I’m taking it if he lovebombs my ass when I get stronger and more better and get back my confidence I will just tell him too fuck off. Bored of his shit

[Woke up]

Thanks kip I have been told I could press charges on historical abuse I have not got the energy now but I have so much evidence medical files x rays family friends etc he has no idea the legacy he has left me. I just have no idea why I stayed to the point it has got too. What he has written on this restraining order is insanity he even said he feared fir his life that he is scared if I don’t reply to his messages I will go to his house and assault him. Over the years I have suffered dislocated knees facial fracture ripped out hair to the point it had to be cut short he said he was only with me for my own wellbeing and tried to leave but felt worried about me I am nauseous with what I have read I knew he was violent and obviously but it was mostly when drunk and he did this sober he even said that he told me from the beginning he had a drink problem and I never supported him I tried to take him to aa he had no interest if anything he ruined my recovery and I am just picking it back up now and off to rehab and hopefully move to a new town which is daunting. I have been left scared actually with what he has written in case I get charged with something!! I think I have ptsd as this goes over and over in my mind. He knew I had a couple of problems regarding health and that of a family member and this is just not needed on top all I did was defend myself. Everyone is sick of hearing about it and him and just says good but the fact he destroyed me and I finally stuck up for myself and now I am the monster kills me I ffeel I deserve justice and actually right now want to get strong and well and get legal advice. He has various assaults on people two in the last two years on strangers and one on me lots on police and who knows what else. Would the family court see his criminal record and make sense of it and see he is a lier and this is another abuse tactic or do they just accept hear say. I broke his window a few weeks ago out of sheer frustration to be honest he had slept with me and then the verbal started and he pulled me outside by my hair and continued to shout abuse through the window and so u threw a stone he asked for half as in the past he has smashed up pretty much all of my things and I paid him and he yet again drank it but he did not tell the truth in this order. I am not proud of the way I reacted on the last night he assault me but what can I do just have all NY hair ripped out again!! They did a body map on me and it is obvious it is self defense but also I’m not sure how to explain but a build up of emotions I never experienced anything like this feeling I just couldn’t take the words the fists but especially the words and what makes me sick is that he just truly honestly believes his version of events. He spent years calling me mad telling me he never hit a woman before me but I drove him to it and endlessly dumped me even around the word he left me alone in precarious dangerous situations. And what u don’t understand is why on earth do they not tell him I had a protection order on me when making this restraining order surely they can see that he is doing this to hurt me badly and in some way forgive himself for the countless assaults I stupidly put up with because I was blinded by love.he has various suspended sentences asbo etc just out on his own surely they can see he is violent and I am not and was obviously pushed. In his restraining order he even said my local domestic abuse place had rang police to say I wished I had killed him, I am not sure if I said something in heat of moment but surely a women’s domestic abuse organisation should be confidential and I rang them for help not for them to enable him I feel so betrayed by everyone

[Woke up]

Sorry me again this has obviously made me think that he has a history before me too that I did not know about. I never pressed charges ever I rang police when I was terrified he would not stop and still have no idea why or what happened in court I did not contest it. So alone with this my head is a mess please reply

[Woke up]

17 cans a night!! He’s a severe alcoholic only a matter of time before he blacks out and hurts someone x hope you leave him especially for your child xxx

[Author]

Posts