AllAdrift

[AllAdrift]

I feel for you so much with this situation.
You will find yourself again but I think it means breaking the rules you have been “trained” into. Things you don’t even think about.

For example, there are a lot of women now in the UK who have followed their dreams and bought a campervan and drive around beautiful parts of the country and go to meet ups together. Allsorts of women, all ages, each with a need for liberation and freedom. It’s these kinds of things that you may never think of anymore that may be just waiting for you – one small step at a time. There are womens travel and holiday groups, volunteering jobs can be fun and self-validating.

I remember someone saying to me once: “Just peg your nose and jump”, scary but something interesting will happen!

Best of luck xx

[AllAdrift]

Also he make me jump by having raging fits over nothing (detail removed by moderator) and yelling and swearing so loud and unexpectedly that I started to feel on edge around him.

[AllAdrift]

The most subtle merest signs that I suspected early on but was confused and in-love so I stayed longer. By themselves each is not a big deal but added up, over time, points to an unpleasant person. I kept a diary because it seemed all so weird. Also I could later see the games he was playing with each item here:

1. Talking about how popular he is/was with women. He (detail removed by moderator) he said.
2. Little gifts he bought me were that, very little. At first I was just pleased to have them but – the first was (detail removed by moderator) (not very romantic!), followed (detail removed by moderator) but he made such a deal about how he loved to buy me things, then told me the (detail removed by moderator)
3. (detail removed by moderator)
4. We had a row and I burst into tears and he started to molest me down below saying (detail removed by moderator).
5. He said that (detail removed by moderator)
6. Kept saying that he was (detail removed by moderator)
7. Offering me money for sex as a sex game (detail removed by moderator)
8. Telling me(detail removed by moderator)
9. This is really uncomfortable: treating me like a child during sex by saying (detail removed by moderator) etc etc I won’t go into it further but it felt sinister and I froze and stopped. He tried a couple of times further then gave it up.
10. Taking over anything non-womanish tasks like (detail removed by moderator) he would almost shove me out of the way, in my own house!And mansplaining everything to me when I know more than him.

These aren’t necessarily abusive per se but add up to show his underlying attitudes and values but often confused me as he was so loving and caring most of the time.

When these threads drew together, I could see I had potentially a monster on my hands. He even said (detail removed by moderator). Why would he say that?!!!!

Now over and gone.

[AllAdrift]

Darcy hit it on the nail.

There is no manual for what is or isn’t abusive.

If it feels wrong – it is wrong for you!

If you tell a loving partner that you don’t like it then just like a friend they would say: “Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it to come out like that” and you can judge how you feel and understand them easily. If that isn’t happening with your partner, something is up, badly.

We have the power to decide what we want, we don’t have to judge ourselves as right or wrong in our choices. If it feels bad, it really is. Good things don’t feel bad.

[AllAdrift]

I think it takes time for us to “defrost” afterwards. It’s been  (detail removed by moderator) (similar things as you) and I’m only just starting to remember the me I was before I met him.

That’s the saddest part.

I have no answers but I am consciously loving me now. When I feel anxious or lost I do a heart hold and it really stabilises me. I put my hand on my heart and self-soothe saying “there there, it’s okay now, you are safe and loved” or similar. I pretend that I’m soothing a child or a beloved pet in pain. 10 mins of this a day really helps plus baths, fresh air and chit chat to friends. I’m building up to a project to get my teeth into but still too unsure yet.

Good luck with finding yourself again. Some men enjoy hunting “lost girls” for their own needs so we must get solidly loved by ourselves before we can attract a good one. xx

[AllAdrift]

My ex stated that he couldn’t see my point of view about the emotional abuse, he didn’t get it, thought I making something out of nothing but (detail removed by moderator) so something must be wrong with him. Yay! Success I thought and we agreed to couples therapy.

In the therapy I told her how he made me feel (scared and disgusted in the body a lot of the time). She seemed to overlook this as he poured out his heart  (detail removed by moderator) aren’t intended to be abusive. He said he would not do those things again. But he started doing other things, more subtle like (detail removed by moderator) I started crying after news of a family members death. He had zero empathy. He made me a cup of tea but  (detail removed by moderator). I just froze up and couldn’t cry with him around. Things like that. It’s like he got more deeply resentful because he couldn’t behave and say what he liked.

Instead of carrying on with the therapy, I ended the relationship. I decided I couldn’t afford any of it in my life. I could see he would never change enough and my trust was totally destroyed in him and would haunt us forever.

This was my story anyway.

[AllAdrift]

You asked to resolve this properly in an adult way with a counsellor. You couldn’t do any better than that! That is the top answer.

He has said No.
Period.
He wants to have his cake and eat it. He doesn’t get to call the shots on your life. Your life is sacred, you only get one of those unlike men who are ten a penny.
Our children need us more than men who aren’t adult do.
I would just walk away. In a year you’ll look back from a stronger position and wonder why on earth you didn’t act sooner.

Just my thoughts for you to consider if you are ready.
Best of luck with it all xx

[AllAdrift]

Absolutely know how you feel!
My ex is so wonderful, loving and kind and has been left by all his ex’s and doesn’t know why. He cries (detail removed by moderator) but loves me to the moon and back. Seemed a lovely man.

But his “mistakes” involve cruel comments and jokes which he swears he never said, doesn’t remember or didn’t mean in a bad way. He tries to confuse me. His comments are often mysogynistic or callous and often sexual. He says he’s changed (detail removed by moderator) (you get what I mean). He says (detail removed by moderator). Work that one out!

Either way it turns my stomach because he’s obviously thinking that way about women. He goes into revolting details too. Then he just changes like Jekyll and Hyde and says (detail removed by moderator). I am stunned.
I just thought he was a bit odd but he was very good to me in every way. Nowadays I tremble inside with fear if he comes near me. He has these rages against objects – if he drops something etc he just bursts into a rage and hits himself. This makes me jump. We haven’t been together long but I am now a bag of nerves. I can see that one day he’ll turn on me.

I have ended it (detail removed by moderator). He is online crying and saying that he’s done nothing wrong. Has he?

None of my other ex’s behaved this way or said some of the disgusting things he’s said to me (he has sexual fantasies about me (detail removed by moderator). He disgusts me even though he’s charming, highly attractive and we have good times together otherwise.
It’s really bloody confusing and I’m now alone and missing him and feeling mean that I have abandoned him. This is mad!
I won’t go back though. I am haunted by some of the things he told me.

So I know how you feel. It’s two extremes of behaviour that in one episode sound not to bad but repeatedly over time tear your emotions of love and hate in opposite directions, making you like a “dog with 2 masters”. You don’t know which way is up.

I am crying and mourning the loss of the wonderful side of him and then reminding myself (with photos of us) when he ruined romantic times out by behaving horribly and killing it for fun. He told me once that he loved me, at candlelit dinner out, then when I replied that I loved him, said(detail removed by moderator). I felt humiliated and tried not to cry there and then. He said I was (detail removed by moderator).

I wish there was a website where we could report these awful men to warn others.

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