Beenherebefore

[Beenherebefore]

Hi sunshine

Thank you. I think she said it was gestalt? Didn’t talk about whether it dealt with trauma. I’ve been having counselling for a couple of years now and we’ve dealt with so much of everything!

Will look into this though, thank you

[Beenherebefore]

Yes Pearl! Thank you so much. I’m feeling really positive tonight reading all this through again and seeing your post too! You’re right and I think it will be so much easier when I’ve left. Thank you. Hope you’ve had a happy day xx

[Beenherebefore]

Pondlife- you are not lecturing at all. I need to hear it! So badly. You’re absolutely right but alot of the time I cant convince myself without help from you guys. I have been writing down my feelings etc more and trying to get everything out but actually the more I read from you ladies, the more triggers my mind in what he used to do and I genuinely believe I have blocked some ghastly things out which need to be remembered to help me. I have kept social media conversation threads as when I read them I get ‘that tummy ache’ and for me its a trigger that I should not be pining for this man.
And you’re right – they don’t stick to the normal rules, they play games. They love games. It would not be clear cut. I forgot that too so thank you. If I ever wanted to say goodbye to my ‘normal’ exes it would be very straightforward. xx

Eve1 – Thank you x x they definitely are helping. They are like a virtual hug/ cup of tea that only exists here for me. Thank you for saying that its not our fault. I forget alot of the time and start a cycle of self loathing and blaming. But you’re right, its not us.xx

Cuppa – you are so strong. Thank you. I really feel like the cooking thing is a trait- he was insistent I learn to cook (I’ve never been overly fussed on cooking myself) but he kept ‘teaching’ me. Sometimes we would make meals for hours on end and I would have to do everything exactly (and I mean exactly) as he wanted….(don’t ever get me started on egg mayo that’s all I can say!!) He couldn’t drive but I could so he stayed away from that, though of course I was expected to ferry him about everywhere often when he had just been vile to me too or even still was. ‘I’m not playing anymore That is for certain’. I am going to use that line as inspiration to not play anymore either. Strong words, thank you Cuppa x x

I think I would have fallen off the wagon ages ago if it wasn’t for you lovely ladies. Thank you all so much x x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you ladies for all your comments! It helped me focus my mind as my thoughts have been all over the place recently. Reading your posts has reminded me the reality that they are all the same- using the same tactics because they want the same outcome.

Sunshine – I adapted it from a short poem I read so it was a joint effort! The ghosts too- I can almost see images of those ‘romantic’ moments as I walk around town. Its surreal. I keep expecting him to walk out and relive them. Like you say, so confusing and sad x x

Cupofcoffee- glad you like it 🙂

KIP- So true. I need to keep channelling that ‘good riddance’ thinking!!

Pondlife- I hear that! Whenever I am called a liar now (even in a jokey way) I end up being quite defensive because I would be called it so often and without reason or from some ridiculous ‘evidence’ that he had made up. If the stool was unexpectedly in the bathroom I had clearly been sending nude photos to other men ???!!! ( I had actually given myself a bath and a hot drink which I used the stool for) for what did I know – I was a LIAR apparently. If I didnt reply to one of my friends in front of him so he could read it I was hiding something and therefore a liar. I used to race home from work (often missing out on info from my boss after taking a class) just so he didnt accuse me of cheating, because if I said I had been speaking to my boss- you guessed it…I was a liar. He confused me so much and cut me off so much that I had to ‘confess’ everything I had ever done in my life (sexually /morally and otherwise) and if, in my fear, I didnt say things I thought he would use against me, I was a liar. I once had a horrible rash on my bits (sorry to be crass!) and he said it was where I had been having loads of sex with other men. The irony was I have never and would never cheat, he failed to see all my efforts were going into making our relationship work!! I had to send pictures of the people I was meeting (which I passed off to friends and families as selfies!) to prove I was going where I said or I was a liar. URGGHH! Horrible! I get that same feeling of sickness now whenever anyone calls me a liar, Pondlife. You really feel it don’t you.

Lover of no contact and Lightness – they weren’t real and for me, that’s the hardest thing to get my head around- they are so convincing. They are the best actors I know!

Hugs to you all x

[Beenherebefore]

We are all here Eve1. You don’t need to apologise for not being positive. We all have highs and lows but what comforts me on here is that we all pick each other up when we’re happy and have support on here when we’re low.

Well done for getting through the day xx

[Beenherebefore]

KIP that’s amazing news!!!!!!!! Well done you! That’s wonderful. You kept fighting and it’s all paid off…an inspiration to us all.

You must celebrate as Eve1 suggested! Yayyyyyyy great news! xx

[Beenherebefore]

Legobricks, these a**holes will try anything to make us believe its our fault. I had depression when I was with my ex and whilst one minute he was reading books to ‘help me’ through it, other times he would be using it against me, screaming in my face that I needed a doctor and telling me I simply couldnt have children if I had depression as it wouldnt be fair on the child. When i mustered the strength to try and get counselling for my depression, he quashed it, so I cancelled my first appointment and my second appointment he belittled to the point that I did not return- again, tactics because he knew if I mentioned his abuse in sessions, I would get help and therefore get stronger and leave. Then he would pick on me for being depressed and tell me that I should be stronger and stand up to him. Then when I did stand up to him he would tell me to stop being so crazy / angry and that I was a physcho…

What I am saying is, he is doing and saying anything to get you to believe that this is your fault. He is playing the victim. I often felt like I was walking through a minefield every day and when I though I knew where the explosives were , the next morning he changed it all again so I had no idea where to step or when. It is not you. You are not picking on him. You are fighting back because you know its not right and that 60% of you is standing up for you and your baby.
A healthy partner would support you through your OCD and work with you to help you combat it, without constantly reminding you of how they have helped you aka how wonderful they are.

I would constantly think that it was me being abusive /lying etc because thats what he made me believe. By the end of it I was hollow and no longer knew what I had done and what I hadnt. I felt like a shell and all that I knew was what he was telling me so when he said I was abusing him, I believed it and blamed myself. Thats how they get you. But dont believe it my lovely. He is in the wrong, not you x x

[Beenherebefore]

Legobricks, we are all here for you. You have started your journey to safety and freedom. This man’s treatment of you is disgusting and you deserve respect and care and love. You may find that you are doubting yourself or that suddenly reaching out becomes overwhelming and scary. Remember to keep looking after yourself in this period and in the moments that you do feel brave (and when you are safe to do so) continue to reach out. I often found the main WA helpline difficult to pick up so have a look for local helplines too that may be less busy. Talking to someone who knows what you are going through can really help. We are all with you here hun, you are not alone. x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you Confused123 xx

[Beenherebefore]

P.s. Cuppa, well done you on holding your nerve when he messaged you and reaching out for help. That is something I need to do more rather than acting on impulse x x

[Beenherebefore]

KIP and Cuppa! This:
‘My ex is a liar, a rapist, an adulterer, an abuser, and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t truly exist. He presented himself as caring, successful, and totally tuned into my needs. In short, he moulded himself into the perfect partner, my soul mate, and told me whatever I wanted to hear. I lapped it up. He groomed me. I believed he was the most amazing man I’d ever met and couldn’t believe he felt the same way about me…’

This is so so SO true of my situation! Your post makes me remember that very early on I confided in him about all the bad relationships I had had before him which must have given him a clear insight into my insecurities, what I wanted from a man and what ‘triggers’ I had as well as my emotional needs. Basically giving him everything he would need for his abuse! I always like to see the good in people and kept wanting to believe that he was real and existed because I wanted that love so badly, that ‘validation’.

Again ‘He lied to get me to fall in love with him and he lied, threatened, intimidated and terrorised me, to get me to stay with him, always playing the victim (when he wasn’t intimidating me with threats and actual violence)’
Me too!! He lied. He went to great lengths to lie but then never followed though on what he was saying….he told me my phone was being hacked by his friend so he knew all the messages Id sent, he told me if I told him about every sexual partner Id had he would confess something that he had to tell me (which he didn’t), he told me he wasn’t sleeping with his ex when I’m almost 100% sure he was, he lied to work, he would control me with big dramatic scenes of leaving me, packing a bag and messaging me the alleged number of his travel ticket (I later found out to be rubbish). He lied, oh my how he lied!! How was my brain forgetting this!!!

‘Jumping from extremely aggressive and terrifying behaviour, back to the perfect partner and soul mate I was led to believe he was.’He would yell at me, make me feel like sh*t and then force me to ‘dance’ with him to make it up or as I protected myself in the bedroom he would sit in the living room and shout different obscenities at me as he watched tv. I used to have to hand over my phone / put it in a particular place on my return home, show him I was putting it on loud so he could see I wasn’t deceiving him. If it went off quietly and he heard it, my life was officially over. Yet days later he would send me super romantic memes and text messages as if none of it had ever happened and I was the apple of his eye.

WHEN IS MY BRAIN GOING TO KEEP REMINDING ME THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR!

Phew! Wow. Sorry for waffling. I think I had blocked that all out of my memory a little bit but this post has triggered all those things. What a horrible man.

Thank you Cuppa and Kip. xx

[Beenherebefore]

Well done for being so strong and brave lilaclady. You can do this. This forum is so good because these ladies are always here when no one else seems to understand. Keep reaching out and looking after yourself in this difficult time of transition x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you lilac 🙂

Right, for full on boogie-ing, I think a new pair of shoes is in order! x x

[Beenherebefore]

Well done Cupcakes, that’s amazing news. We are all behind you hun x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you for this post Pearl. Sometimes the bad days creep in, but this has pepped me up today. Thank you. xx

[Author]

Posts