BlueSkiesTomorrow

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi Hopeful Wishes (sorry for slow reply!)
My leaving was surprisingly calm. I had worked myself up in to a strong mood and told him that I needed space because I wasn’t happy and I was going to stay with a friend. This was beginning of (detail removed by Moderator)). It was the hardest day I’ve ever had in my life, but I got in the car and called my friend and she just told me to drive to her! Keep driving! I took it one day at a time and now its been almost (detail removed by Moderator). My Ex cares too much about outward perceptions so he was actually very reasonable. If yours is the same then perhaps leverage that. They want to maintain their “perfect” husband appearance. My advise is to speak to a friend and plan it together. Good luck!

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

GettingTired, this is all very familiar to me. The scrunched up face of a crying little boy. rarely any real tears. It took me a while to really appreciate how manipulative it really is. Scary really. I feel you! xxxxx

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi Hopefulwishes 🙂
I have been out of my relationship for a long time now but reading your post really resonated with me. My ex did very similar things. The big protest of sleeping in another room. Demanding apologies. Making everything out to be my fault because I treated him so “badly”. I used to do whatever I could to calm the situation down. Hug him. Apologise. The works. I think we just want to diffuse the situation and will do whatever it takes. Don’t blame yourself! I used to come away from hugging him, or welcoming him back into the bed, and think “Hang on, how did that happen? How did he win me round”. It’s habitual. I started texting a friend whenever he started up. Literally texting my friend word for word what what happening and what was being said. Then, when I ultimately forgave him, my friend would be the sensible person reminding me what had happened! after a few weeks of this, I stopped giving him a hug or trying to diffuse the situation. It was the first step to me leaving. I refer to it as my blindfold being removed. I hope this helps. You’re definitely not alone. It’s really good news that his Mum has your back. My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since I left, which is sad because we got on so well. I think Mum’s know their sons and actually aren’t surprised! Some deal with it better than others. My Mother-in-law is burying her head.

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

ISOpeace, my ex used to test me like this – he would also threaten to leave me (and of course I begged him not to, which was precisely what he wanted me to do). I completely agree with the others on this. Its all about control and controlling you. He probably has spotted a change and he’s trying some new tactics on you. Stay strong. When I did eventually leave, my ex was totally shocked. He could not believe what he was seeing. Even though he had suggested it a few times himself!

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi hiabcd, your story could be mine! Realising it was abuse was very difficult to swallow. Every trait youve described is exactly what I suffered through. He will not change. If he is anything like my ex, then his sense of self importance would never allow him to seek proof help. Get out. You will feel so much better and you will remember who you are! I used the “Abuse” word once and it wasn’t worth it. He was outraged and (shock horror) thought I was grossly exaggerating just to make the break up easier. Sigh.
Good people don’t behave like that towards people they love. I once got berated for turning on a light because he didn’t think it was dark enough to have the light on…
You’re doing the right thing leaving him. Read “why does he do that”, by Lundy Bancroft and be prepared to say “oh my goodness, yes!!!” About 1000000 times!

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi ladies, I’ve had a really tough day today. I wanted to post on this thread as a reminder if just hiw quickly things can swing from positive to negative. I’ve cried all day. Ex called me and told me that he misses me, he is heartbroken, and he will regret letting me go until the day he dies. I’m not letting this set me back. Read my journal and reminded myself who he really is. Its still sad though. He might be heartbroken but I was for years, with every cruel word. Onwards and upwards.

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Yes, yes, yes. When people say the feel sorry for him I just immediately get a scrunched up “what?!?” look on my face because I was the one suffering for years! But, some people simple will not understand. They do not get it. Luckily for them (genuinely now, not sarcastically!) they probably have a happy life and healthy relationship and cannot imagine half the things you describe happening to them. Sometimes I feel sorry for my Ex. But mainly because he had so much potential when he was younger and he decided to screw it all up. I also happen to think I’m pretty fabulous and he lost me!! Poor guy 🙂
Okay, perhaps I’ve had one too many coffees today…..!

I definitely had my share of bad days, but also good ones. From my comments above I think today is a good day. Haha! I hadn’t been married very long. I have a box of wedding stuff sitting in my house and I don’t know what to do with it. My wedding dress hanging in my wardrobe. So, whilst I can be jolly and funny and strong – I’m also usually only about 10 feet away from something painful that could cause a melt down. I’m not very old (moderator my remove but I’m (detail removed by Moderator)) and my life was supposed to just be getting started! Marriage, family, the works! Having to reset is very difficult. But, its 100% possible. I’m doing it now and I’m not doing too badly. I really admire all the women on this forum. reading these posts keeps me very strong. xxxx

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi Meonscreen. I can 100% identify with your post and how you are feeling.
I still have days like that.
My relationship, from an outward perspective, was PERFECT! People used to comment about how good we were together. How I’d fallen on my feet. He was clever, funny, good looking, sociable, great cook, keen DIYer, great with money, great job, loved gardening, loved renovating our house, loved animals… the perfect guy. I adored him. No denying it. Absolutely adored him. But behind closed doors he was also cold, cruel, manipulative, condescending, belittling, called me names, shouted at me, ridiculed me, hurt me a couple of times. But when I think back, which memory of him is the most dominant? Yep – the first one! Not the second one. The good memories at the first to come back.
I often find myself wondering how I will react when he gets a new girlfriend/wife/starts a family. I know deep down he will not change. It’s very likely that same for your Ex. They know how to put on a great show. But we know who they are, really. Deep down. You did the right thing. Stay strong xxxxx

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Thank you, MelonBalls! (Your screen name just made me giggle!) 🙂
I was having a huge vent the day I wrote that and I’m SO pleased that it’s been read by so many people and made a difference. It’s made my day! Thank you. The days when you doubt yourself are the worst. I still have them. I had a day like that the other day when I found my mind wandering and thining of all the good times and whether it was actually all that bad really, and what would life have been like if I’d stayed. Then I had a STERN word with myself, read my journal again, and forced myself to think about all the horrible times!! Don’t doubt yourself. Trust your gut. I was told (very early on in my journey, way before leaving) “If your best friend spoke to you like that, or did those things, would they still be your best friend?” The answer is NO! But somehow the commitment, the history, all of it, convinces us to give it another go. You can do this!!!! You know yourself!! 🙂 Good luck xx

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

StationEleven, thank you! What a lovely post to read! I am staying strong. 🙂 I really hope you are, too.
Some days are harder than others but reading posts on this forum always helps bring me back round. It can feel really selfish to say it, or feel it, but we do all deserve better! I still feel a bit funny saying it but it is true. Noone has the right to make you feel like $h*t! One of the biggest things I’ve tried to wrap my head around, is whether my ex knew what he was doing. I have spent many many months mourning the man I thought he was, and the life I thought we had, and the future I thought we were going to have. I’ve come to the conclusion that he did, and didn’t know what he was doing. Some things he knew very well would hurt me and were unacceptable, but other things I think were just second nature to him – his core personality traits. I’m over analysing again… (I have a tendency to do that!). You will feel much better when you are free of him. I hope you manage to get a plan, too. Lean on good friends! Good luck 🙂 xx

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi Harriet123, and sorry for taking so long to reply to your message. I don’t have children, no. Although we were trying. In fact we were about to start IVF. I’m no expert and can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a mother but all I can say is that I feel like a different person now I’m out. I’m calmer, happier and have rediscovered myself. Children pick up on these things and when it comes to abusive behaviour, things don’t get better, only worse.

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi Same-Again, I know exactly what you mean. The longer I spend time away from him, I realise just how totally unacceptable it is to speak to another human being like that. Let alone someone you’re supposed to “love”. If only I was brave enough to say, “I’m sorry, who do you think you’re talking to???” [accompanied with a sassy head movement] the very first time he spoke to me like that – sadly I let it go on for years, and years, and yeeeaaaarrrrs. x

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Thank you Lottie!! 🙂
It makes such a huge difference getting things off your chest with people who have experienced the same. Friends are wonderful but people won’t truly know what it’s like unless they’ve experienced it. We need to stick together! 🙂

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Thanks Lottie. Yes, here’s to some fabulous Christmases and lots of new traditions with great people! x

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

@Surfgirl, I remember that feeling all too well. Wishing it would get physical so that you could feel more ‘justified’. I am out now but I still have wobbles. The gut wrench to go back does ease and it will eventually leave you. You deserve better. It wouldn’t get better if you went back. Be strong. Christmas is SO tough. Lean on friends and this forum 🙂 Sending hugs x

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