Brewsandshoes

[Brewsandshoes]

Thanks all. Nope – he isn’t and never has been on anything or been diagnosed with anything. The only ‘diagnosis’ was from the GP last year that he scored high for anxiety and moderately for depression. But he never ‘does’ anything. And you’re right – these ‘retreats’ only happen when I’ve confronted him in some way.

BTW does anyone else have a partner who acts like they know how you think? I mean literally saying ‘you like this thing’ or making a statement then saying ‘don’t you think’. It’s usually about very minor things, but it’s like he can’t even let me have my own thoughts about TV shows or stories in the news.

[Brewsandshoes]

It was his fault. It was never yours. You are not responsible for his actions – and of course we want to believe the best of people we care for. Part of what they do is mess with our minds too – it’s hard to get past that. More hugs from me xx

[Brewsandshoes]

Maybe he can be a lovely person – but what you describe here isn’t lovely. It’s controlling and unfair. It’s an attempt to cut you off from your friends and family – which you shouldn’t have to do for a relationship. And the fact you feel you don’t have a say is a massive red flag.

[Brewsandshoes]

@Starandlittlestar – Well done for staying strong, and for understanding. That is exactly what he’s like. Mr Fun when we’re out with people. Keeps Mr Nasty just for us. To be fair, he has managed to keep a lid on it for a while, but he’s done nothing to prove he’s changed – no anger management courses or anything. And then he does this weird thing where we’ll argue – and he’ll be perfectly normal the next day, like it never happened. On Wednesday we argued – he wouldn’t accept that he his anger issue was the same as this awful bloke in the other relationship. He said that when I’d suggested it he’d thought about divorce (me too) and suicide – he rowed back pretty quickly from that but still. Then last night he was absolutely normal with me – after I’d been worrying all day about how to handle things when I got home. It could be a coping mechanism, but I also wonder if he’s messing with my head on purpose – but in a really subtle way.

[Brewsandshoes]

Counselling went as well as you’d expect. The (detail removed by moderator) – foolishly – I’d said that I wished he would acknowledge his anger issues when he was talking about this other relationship and how difficult it was for the woman. It is – but I felt like it was minimising what’s happened with us. But what did I expect – obviously he doesn’t see himself as an abuser (a word I was careful not to use) but because this other man has been talked of as one… and I’ve likened my partner to him, it’s opened the whole can of worms. Apparently he was thinking about divorce and suicide (detail removed by moderator)… Obviously I don’t want to tell him about all the contact I’ve had with WA and counsellors who’ve told me his behaviour is emotionally abusive. It wasn’t like it was me who first thought it – it was a counsellor who I was asking for relationship advice.

I feel like – if he didn’t think his behaviour was justifiable and not like this other man’s – he would be at least a bit upset on my behalf. I’m worried that if I don’t damp this down it would make a split more toxic and worse for the kids. Maybe it’s worth walking it all back somehow, not because I believe it, but for a better outcome?

[Brewsandshoes]

Thanks @Tiffany. If I was advising someone else I’d say exactly the same. I just find it impossible to trust my gut for myself. I know people leave ‘normal’ relationships all the time and – even if he has changed I am within my rights to say sorry, too much has happened for me. It’s not working any more. But I just can’t. I can’t get rid of the feeling I’m being unreasonable – too sensitive.

[Brewsandshoes]

@Iwantmeback @KIP Thank you both. What you’ve both said makes so much sense.

He isn’t violent. He’s your typical nice guy in public. So I do feel bad for saying he’s abusive. And I probably shouldn’t have said anything to him. It wasn’t going to go well – an abusive man wouldn’t take it and a non-abuser would be genuinely hurt.

I think I was hoping that he’d truly have realised the effect of his behaviour, like he claims. But no.

I actually spoke to a counselling service via work recently (looking at getting some personal counselling to try and help me feel more confident about my feelings). I swear I didn’t tell them the worst of it. But from what I did say, she concluded he was emotionally abusive. But I still can’t be strong. I feel like I can’t even manage to split properly.

[Brewsandshoes]

Hello again Poets Corner. I’m glad you’ve had so much support from Women’s Aid. I found every conversation, every bit of support from someone helped build my strength. I know if he knew any of it he would dismiss all of them as man-hating women and say I’d exaggerated everything – but they get that too! And I had a little bit more good stuff happen… Basically we’re going to couple’s counselling – there is a bit of me that hopes(d) that he’d see the light, and I also thought that if I didn’t – and tried to end it – I didn’t want him to be able to say to our children that I hadn’t even tried to save things.

What I didn’t expect was that the counsellor would be able to help – I found out you can ask for individual sessions. I was really nervous of how it would go – but it was actually brilliant because she had SEEN him in action (and quite mildly too) so she knows how he tries to manipulate everything, how everything is my fault…

I know it doesn’t work for everyone and there are dangers going to couple’s counselling with a partner who is emotionally abusive, because they’re so good at spinning everything. Suppose all I’m saying is it can help – and that I felt like I was exaggerating too Poets, but I’m not. And neither are you.

[Brewsandshoes]

I’m glad you had good support there too White Rose. I know it’s not everyone’s experience and I did have to ask for the individual session. But that validation really helped – I’m not sure anyone else has really seen him like that. And it makes it harder for him to say it’s all me – though he is having his session tonight so God knows what he’ll say. But he has no capacity to empathise or see how his behaviour could be wrong. He just denies everything. We’ve got to the separate rooms stage. It’s only going in one direction – but he won’t accept that. Just behaves like he can do anything and it won’t have any consequences. Well not any more matey…

[Brewsandshoes]

I’ve been having huge doubts about my feelings too – but reading your posts Poets Corner and Maddog, well we could well be with the same person.

I put up with years of dealing with his moods. It was only when I was emailing a relationship counsellor that she said he was emotionally abusive. I would never have thought it myself – I was looking for things that I could change to make things better (particularly because our oldest was also starting to be a target).

When I have doubts now, I look back at what she wrote and think about the conversations I had with the national helpline and the local group (Keep trying to get through – it will help you so much to talk). It stops me dismissing what I feel and buying in to his niceness.

We’re going to couples’ counselling. I feel like I have to – if I don’t and try to end it he would put so much blame on me that I wouldn’t be able to cope. My email counsellor said we should be offered individual sessions – so I’ve asked for that. He’s already shown how angry and defensive he gets – even when he’s on best behaviour, which meant she can see what he’s like (but she has been talking about ‘improving communication’ and things we can ‘both work on’ – made me want to scream!)

He’s being nice too. He told me he loved me the other day. Normally I avoid answering but I couldn’t this time and I said I loved him too. And since then I’ve felt awful – angry he thinks being ‘nice’ cancels everything else out. It doesn’t. I don’t think you treat someone you love like that. Sometimes I think I’m just hanging on to the bad stuff, that I should let it go. But I just can’t.

[Brewsandshoes]

Hi Pixies. Please do trust yourself. I could have written lots of your post myself – the picking on our oldest and the idea of us being “a team”. I was actually just sitting here wrestling with similar doubts to you. He just behaves like everything is OK – apart from when he’s being horrible. He tells me he loves me – but then treats me like I’m mad when I get upset or angry.

But I have spoken to the national helpline, and had contacts with the local service. And they all tell me to trust my feelings, and that his behaviour is controlling and coercive. And how he has to be the grown up if our child is being – well a child.

It’s still hard. I still feel lonely and overwhelmed. But the support I’ve had from services and on here gives me something to hold on to.

Good luck with everything.

[Brewsandshoes]

He is so NORMAL at the moment. Does anyone know what I mean??

Apart from a really intense, self-obsessed evening last week, I can’t point to anything he’s done for a good month that would give anyone concern. He’s being fine with the kids and they’re relaxed and happy.

But he was horrible for months on end before Christmas – I know how he was then wasn’t right. I’M NOT CRAZY. He didn’t take any notice of anything I said then, didn’t care about the effect on his kids either. (It’s all verbal, nothing physical.) Then it stopped. Like in one row, he dismissed what I’d said completely, then the next day said (some of) the things I’d wanted him to say for months. Should be happy shouldn’t I? But I’m not. It’s all still about how he thinks it should be. He dismisses my points and concerns. I don’t know when his bad side will come out again. I can’t relax.

[Brewsandshoes]

THank you. These comments really help. It’s only ever me and the kids that he gets at – so he can control himself. Whatever else is going on for him is separate. I feel a lot better – thanks for the support xx

[Brewsandshoes]

Thanks Go green light. Sorry you had something similar. You’re right that it’s only us that are ever the target of his moods. I don’t feel I can support him – I’ve tried to be there for a long time and it’s never got anywhere. Sometimes he has days where he’s going to sort himself out and I sit there listening to him going ON and ON – but it never comes to anything. I just feel like I’ll be blamed if I reject him/don’t stand by him if he does have mental health issues. But then if he doesn’t do anything about them, I can’t do much. He’s spent a lot of time in recent years on projects for himself – at first I was supportive but now I couldn’t care less. I’d rather he’d spent more time and effort on practical and emotional stuff with the family. And now I think it’s too late – but I don’t know if I dare make the break.

[Brewsandshoes]

I’d stayed at a friend’s near work on (detail removed by Moderator) night – so (detail removed by Moderator) was the first time I’d seen him since we had a big talk about everything. He’d also been to see his therapist (detail removed by Moderator). So after being calm and conciliatory on (detail removed by Moderator), it had all been festering and he was SO mad. He was more mad than I’d seen him before. He was sat in a chair across the room so I didn’t feel at risk, but his anger was scary. I don’t think he would be violent – but part of me almost wants it to go that way so others can see what’s happening.

I made a mistake on (detail removed by Moderator). I told him I think he gaslights. I think he does do it – not to the extreme, but definitely denying what I say has any truth to it. I shouldn’t have said anything. He was furious (detail removed by Moderator)– and also said his psychotherapist had never heard the term(???) – but he denied having done anything like it.

It’s just horrible. I couldn’t sleep last night and I feel sick today. I’m at work luckily, so have some space. But I feel like it’s all moving fast and I don’t feel ready. I’m waiting for a call back from my local helpline. He still insists on sleeping in the same bed, so I don’t know if I can even persuade him to sleep in the spare room, let alone go to his dad’s – which would be what I’d prefer.

I’ve got some emails from the counsellor who was the first one to suggest he’d been emotionally abusive – and I was thinking of showing them to him – when he seemed reasonable. Thank God I didn’t…

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