Buddy

[Buddy]

Thanks Lisa ,
I have learnt so much from you ladies and my own reading .. I understand the cycle completley and I am not being fooled .. just comfortable biding my time and waiting for more money to be saved etc .
Thank u x

[Buddy]

You are 100% right kip .. I can see it all .. even though he is here we hardly see each other , with work etc . Suits me for now .
I can see how I got sucked in in the past , this time I am on the ball .
He thinks he has the upper hand but only because I am letting him think this .. I am in control of my life now

[Buddy]

Yes, I know I am actually wondering how long it will take this time till his true self comes out !!

I am not weakining .. just sitting tight , my anxiety has gone , which is something , tbh I find his nice kind behaviour a bit transparent and predictable .
I am stronger than I have ever been x

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I honestly can’t believe how relaxed and chilled out I am , since he has gone !!
It’s not easy but I have no tummy churning and I am actually enjoying organising my own life !!
I haven’t heard from him but he has rung the children .. and actually I now think the other guy was a product of my marriage as I do t seem to be obsessing about him either !
Madness ! Maybe I am meant to be alone x

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Thanks kip .. I know I need to be happy for myself not through someone else . He was just so kind to me at times .. but ghosting me has really hurt me .. even just on a friendship level . What is the matter with these men .. emotionally stunted !
X

[Buddy]

His mum said all men have nasty tongues in arguments !
Yes , you are right , he does think he is punishing me and I will be using this time to have a taste of being on my own and building up my strength .
His mum also said you have to let the past be in the past ( talking about some of the things he has done )
About (detail removed by Moderator) years ago , he went on a night out with 2 work colleagues , one make one female .. the female was supposed to stay in the other colleagues house as she lived away , but they list him . So she had nowhere to go and he brought her back here .
I heard my chest of drawers drawers opening and closing and went to investigate and found him in our spare room ( where she was sleeping) about (detail removed by Moderator) in the morning . Just kneeling on floor by the bed .. fully clothed
I screamed what is going on and he calmly got up ( it was dark ) and just walked towards me , and went to bed , saying sleep walking and drunk .
I was traumatised , next morning went in to see her and said sorry about last night he was sleep walking) because I honestly didn’t think he would be that stupid and do it in his own home with wife and kids in house !!
When she left , I spoke to him and went on and on about it , saying is something happening g between you , you having an affair , he said course not , because I wouldn’t drop it he shouted , right fine I have been sleeping with her for (detail removed by Moderator) months , I started crying saying when ? He said in an empty office in work .
I came into the lounge rung my mum crying and he came in and said , no I haven’t been I was just saying it as that’s what you thought so may aswell say it .
How cruel ?
Sorry but had to get that off my chest xx

[Buddy]

Thanks for your support ladies .. I will take everything you have said on board .
Before he left he said to let’s talk to the children , he said (detail removed by Moderator)
Both children seem fine .. I keep asking them are they ok and they are both saying we are fine , we don’t feel sad !
My son said it’s good for you to have a break from each other .. and maybe things will be better after .
Sitting here feeling really weird , with Christmas coming and on my own .
His mum says to me all men have nasty young yes in arguments , you don’t deserve it but is this really what you want .
My mum is saying don’t back down this time , if you do that’s you for the rest of your life .

[Buddy]

I let rip (detail removed by Moderator) .. I said everything about his behaviour and he just sat there and took it .
I told him not healthy for the children and how my daughter has told me he is a bully .
I went through everything he has put me through and how he has made me feel .. told him he has never apologised to me and how he can be so sure of himself and not frighten of loosing me !
He never asks me if I still love him ( even when I ask him ) it’s strange.
So I list it and told him he must have a heart of steel if he can live like we are ( not really talking properly)
He didn’t give me an inch , not a crumb .. just said house will go on market in (detail removed by Moderator) and I said .. I can’t live like this till then .. (detail removed by Moderator) he has gone to his mums with a bag of clothes .
Initially I felt panicked , ( thinking what if I am wrong and I am loosing a good husband) he said to me (detail removed by Moderator) I think I am a good husband and father)
Now I am a bit calmer.

No remorse , no apology , no I don’t want to loose you .. just left ..
Odd after (detail removed by Moderator) years of marriage right ? Xx

[Buddy]

Of course .. my god ! When will I learn ladies ? X

[Buddy]

Yes , you are both right .
I am not sure what is going on with my friend , but I guess time will tell .. maybe another man who isn’t sure how to deal with his emotions !

I got up this morning and told him not to speak to me like he did (detail removed by moderator) in front of the children .. he said well if you thought more about things then I wouldn’t have to .
I said would you like it if a man was treating Our daughter the same way ?
What if she met someone who threw things in arguments ( not that he has for a while) he said oh stop going back to that , walked out of the room and said your a (detail removed by moderator) you are .

[Buddy]

Also my husband said to me my hygiene standards are awful ..I said if I am that bad leave me !!
I work in the hospital and I said if my hygiene standards were that bad I would have caught covid by now
Thinking that he hates it that I am working full time and gaining independence , so anything to have a pop

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I am stronger and he can see the change in me .. not long got in from work and he isn’t happy as I brought my mask in the house ( shouting don’t bring covid home here to us , I am selfish etc .

I undertand what you are saying about my male friend ( maybe I am in denial ) but he has always said nothing can happen between us , till you sort things and it was a moment of weakness due to alcohol .. I don’t see that as him taking advantage ? Maybe I am wrong ..
he has backed right off now and not replying to my message .. so maybe he feels he did wrong and is giving space .. who knows .. my head is screwed 😬

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Yes, you are right .. it’s so sad .. what a way to live . It shows to me that underneath it’s all about his insecurities .
X thank u xx

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Thanks camel .. I just didn’t realise I had to play games in my marriage .. it’s pathetic tbh .
I honestly can’t believe he is keeping his cool , and not throwing anything .. it goes to show he can control it !
My respect has gone .. x

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Also ladies , I can’t believe he is trying to carry on normalise without a conversation about our marriage !
I think it’s because he has nothing on me .. ie apart from not being wonderful around the house .. I have loads on him , hence the excuse I can’t talk to u

[Buddy]

Honestly .. he is playing mind games .. (detail removed by Moderator) ordering take away and playing it up for me and bringing it in to me (detail removed by Moderator) .
Then slept on sofa (detail removed by Moderator) ( sometimes on sofa and sometimes in marital bed .
Then (detail removed by Moderator) being extra nice to me !

I don’t feel as powerless as I did and the anxiety has past a bit , thank goodness !
I have upped my dose of antidepressants , so that could be the reason .
Thanks for advice ladies, currently I am just working loads and saving as much as I can .. x

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In answer to if I could press a button and everything g started the same .. but he was gone ! Yes!! If I could keep living I this area, for school, work etc .. children’s lives not disrupted .. 100% xx

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Thanks kip .. I don’t know what his game is .. no mention of moving out at all .. I haven’t brought it up either though ! Just trying to manage working full time and the children atm . Although I came home from work today , to all washing done ( he has always done this) which obviously makes my life easier , especially working around the clock but at the same time , I think I am not sure if I need a domestic partner .. I need someone who is there for me emotionally when I need it , especially with marital problems !
He is talking to me a bit , I am the same , just the basics , but the way I feel emotionally I think I am done , and it’s only a matter of time , with strength etc ..

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It’s his name on mortgage , so I understand I have to get in touch with land registry to put my name down on something ( don’t really understand it tbh ) but I will look into it . But as we are married I am entitled to things anyway .. I am sure I could afford this house on my own for a couple of years sx

[Buddy]

I agree kip .. I obviously can’t tell you what he earns on here , but he is on really good money and our mortgage is only part repayment part intrest only , it is a large house so bills come to a bit , but with his earnings , we should be laughing !!
I don’t know where it goes tbh !

My son was just sitting next to me going through (detail removed by Moderator) online for Xmas and my husband said to me , (detail removed by Moderator) , ( as he can see I am working lots more) I said (detail removed by Moderator) , he shouted , (detail removed by Moderator) I said (detail removed by Moderator)
He walked out of room and then came back in and said (detail removed by Moderator)
I said (detail removed by Moderator) .. my poor son sitting here in the middle of the two of us said thank u Mam !
It is obviously getting up his nose that I am in a position to work full time now and be indeoendant !!

[Buddy]

Hi facingrealityatlast .
Well, he is on really good money , so he pays mortgage, bills etc .. I have always looked after the children when they were little , but always worked part time !
My money goes towards extras like clothes etc holiday money .. although I do pay credit cards and things !
Over the years I have had money left over where I would buy myself clothes , which I do feel grateful for that I haven’t had to contribute to bills etc .. but like I said he is on good money .
Only in last couple of months I started working full time , as able to as both children now in comp and older , so obviously he sees this and now wants money off me , which is fair as I don’t contribute !
It’s just it feels more like a anger thing with him now as he isn’t getting his way as I am sticking to my guns and not just going back to normal and pretending everything is ok .
Although he is on really good money , he is useless with money .. he even said to me , shame you didn’t decide to work full time years ago then we wouldn’t have debt ( obviously unfair as I was working part time and there was only me to be around for the children ..
anyway that’s my situation x

[Buddy]

Thanks same-again , you are right.
I am going to the hun , which certainly helps !
Honestly it’s like he has a changed personality , suddenly , eye contact and talking to me .. I am relieved as my anxiety has calmed , I just been here before, it’s like we are going around in circles . So I am going to plan my escape better now my anxiety isn’t through the roof ! Xx

[Buddy]

My mum just said to me the problem is , the good times are amazing but the bad times in your relationship are horrific !
This is exactly what has kept me here !

[Buddy]

Thanks same-again , you are spot on , he causes me to become anxious , to the point I am not functioning around the home and then it’s like he comes as a night in shining armour and cleans, cooks for children etc.
It then makes me think well he is right , I am shit .
My anxiety has been through the roof with the silent treatment , it’s worse than him throwing things ! He said to me (detail removed by Moderator).. he has done a good job of getting inside my head fair play .
I am going to use this period to build up my strength now that it’s not as tense in the house, as when it is tense I can’t get strong . He won’t fool me again
Are u out ? Or still with your partner ? Xx

[Buddy]

So after a “talk” which consisted of him telling me all my negatives. He has started talking to me , do I want a cup of tea etc . so I am guessing this is because he feels he has succeeded in tearing me down and now this is sort of the live bombing stage ?
Just trying to understand it .
My daughter asked me last night if I was ok , she said dad is a bully

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I can’t believe I have let him make me feel like shit again !
Wtf , it’s like I am torturing myself .. xx

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No , I don’t feel like you are pressuring me at all ..
I just said to him (detail removed by Moderator)
He said (detail removed by Moderator) , he then said (detail removed by Moderator) I said (detail removed by Moderator) and he said (detail removed by Moderator)
He then said (detail removed by Moderator)
I am negative all the time and he said (detail removed by Moderator)
He said (detail removed by Moderator) , I said (detail removed by Moderator), he said (detail removed by Moderator) I said (detail removed by Moderator) I haven’t even said anything to him yet .
I said (detail removed by Moderator). I also said to him , (detail removed by Moderator) and he said (detail removed by Moderator)

[Buddy]

I don’t want to leave without the children and I work with (detail removed by Moderator) , my parents are older I can’t risk passing it into them !
I completley understand what you are saying and it makes me feel so much better that I am not going completley mad .
Thank u kip xx

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I am so angry with myself atm ..
I am scared and making myself ill with all the stress .. my stomach is constantly churning , it’s horrific !
I am realising I need space from him , I am struggling to find some where to rent that is furnished , I really need it to be furnished.
I suspect once I make that move to go I won’t turn back , but surely you should be talking these things through with your husband , not other people !! Talk about being pushed into a corner with the silent treatment , like can’t go forwards , sideways , just stuck

[Buddy]

I agree with u all thanks for your replies , I do sometimes worry that I am delusional and that I am reading too much and obsessing about it and looking for things that are not there .. as I do obviously think of the r wonderful times also and how it is possible for my husband to want to be like this .
So (detail removed by Moderator) I just said to him I need to know how much the bills are all together on this house as our gas and electric has jumped up a £(detail removed by Moderator) which I don’t understand why suddenly , I have seen the statement .
He replied because you (detail removed by Moderator) .. I replied (detail removed by Moderator) .He said (detail removed by Moderator) , suggesting I am not innocent . I said (detail removed by Moderator) He said (detail removed by Moderator) with a smirk ( obviously I am not completley innocent) but i don’t deserve him to throw things etc in arguments do I ?
Funny thing is , I suggested seeing if I could take on the bills on my own for this house , rather than him paying for this house and me paying for a flat for him .
He discounted this idea , I am not sure why as it will be more expensive for him to pay for us to stay in this house !!
End result is , he is going to finish some of the jobs in the house that need doing and then he moves into a flat ( which I pay for) then the house goes on market in (detail removed by Moderator) !
I was shaking and tummy chur I g when talking to him and he spoke over me and over powered me . Sorry for rambling , it just happened and I have come straight on here to tell u x

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