Crest of a wave

[Crest of a wave]

Wishfulthining

I am in the same position as you, I left about (detail removed by moderator) ago after years of abuse, only to go back after a couple of days, after he convinced me that he would ‘walk over hot coals’ to change the way that he was.
I am now in a position where the abuse has been ramped up, he was ok for a short while but that changed, the little things started to creep back in, the mental and coercive abuse got worse, and then the physical abuse. He has forgotten the conversations that we had about his behaviour etc, when I tell him what he has done to me he says that he didn’t do it or doesn’t remember.
It has got really bad recently, and I feel like I am stuck, I am on a roundabout and cannot get off. My family are supportive but they can only take so much of what I am telling them, they are fuming that I have not left, I don’t know what is keeping me there, I feel scared that he will do something stupid and it being on my conscious, thou I shouldn’t, what his reaction is going to be as I have already been on the end of that, I know I cannot stay, but I feel guilty ? I have read Pat Cravens Living with a Dominator, which is a good read and he ticks all the boxes, I have read Operation Lighthouse, and again he ticks all the boxes, so why do I stay?
The same as you, its lovely when they are away, you can be yourself, and when they return, you feel all anxious and sad again.
My abuser is now getting suspicious again, and doing stuff so he is with our child, so he know I wont go.

Be safe, and good luck

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Hi poets corner
I decided to leave about (Detail removed by Moderator) ago after years of all sorts of abuse, he bombarded me with calls and messages, child became ill and needed medical attention and pleaded with me to give him a chance, so I went back
Had lengthy conversations with abuser, him promising the earth, will go to therapy etc, anything, I explained the damaged that he has caused, and now like you he is being nice
I know he will not be able to mentally and physically keep that up, and I know that he will end up the same, I am still thinking about my future without him, I can say to my child I gave him a chance, but I didn’t work out
I also know that he will be more paranoid than before, as I have already gone once before, but I actually feel stronger now,
I always think I should have got out earlier when my children were smaller, it would have been easier on them, but I didn’t have the stenghth then, and nobody knew about it.
You will do it when your ready to, but the others have said the nice time won’t last, they can’t keep that up for long
As people keep telling me leopards don’t change there spots
Love and hugs xx

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Hi there,
I left (Detail removed by Moderator) ago, and was supported by some fantastic people,was then bombarded with communication from him saying he will change, have therapy, counselling, crying etc, then my child became ill and needed medical attention and my child pleading to give him another chance, I ended going back, and discussing the problems of the abuse, he was apologetic, cried, etc, the usual.
Now I feel that I have been pushed into a corner emotionally, let those people down massively who gave supported me, and I know deep deep down that he will not be able to deliver the changes he needs to make
I feel a fool, I’ve only been back a couple of days, and I am so confused by it all.
I want to be happy, I don’t want to upset my child to the point they become ill with stress of it all ( he’s not a young child)
He is now trying to be nice, which I what I expect because he will tell me what ever it takes for him not to lose everything

Glad to hear that you managed to get out janeeyre, stay strong,

Hugs

X

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I know how you feel, I decided and planned to leave, tried it, couldn’t do it, not because he had started to be nice, just was do scared of the fall out.
I am trying again, but will be making a call to womensaid
I have kept a diary of the abuse, kept pictures, to remind me that I’m not going mad
Just keep planning, your not going crazy.
As kip says google it, I have found this forum enlightening and it has opened my eyes to stuff I didn’t see and stuff I knew was happening to m, and it clarified things to me

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Confused-and-alone,

I planned it, opportunity to do it, started to do it, then couldn’t do it
Felt so scared, guilty, fear of getting him in to trouble, all the emotions you can think of, realised that I needed some professional help and talk to someone who knows about these things.
I realised that material thing are not important and that I tried to do it in an organised way.
I still plan on leaving and I am going to get the professional help my ringing women’s aid for some advice, I need to regroup, pick myself back up and build courage, I realised that I thought I was strong enough, but I wasn’t
These things are never going to easy, but we can do it, and be free and happy again

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Iwon, you didn’t make me feel that I wasn’t doing well, I did that myself, so it’s ok

I will give the womensaid number a call, and try to discuss things and get some clarity.

Bit upset today as I actually feel worse than I did yesterday, but at least I can now realise it’s not as easier as I thought and need to build on that and make myself stronger with support.

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Thankyou poodlepower, I think I need to really start to think about how I’m going to do this, and I mean really think about it instead of skirting round the edges. I hear what you are saying, if this was my friend going through this what would I say? I know what I would say but it’s hard to take your own advice that’s why I need to start seeking professional support which I have not done yet.
Again is the number an emergency number or a general helpline?

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I am kicking myself that I didn’t have the strength to do it. The time will come, and I don’t think anytime is right, but I got to start as someone said to me ‘ find your inner b***h ‘ and start thinking about yourself and child. Everyone is right but actually doing it is sooo different.
People who haven’t been through it or going through it, can be really helpful and supportive but they don’t know what it’s like, but ultimately it’s only me that can make that move

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The women’s aid number at the top of this website is that just for emergencies or is that for general help and to talk to someone?

I hear what you are saying Iwon, and you are right, absolutely right.

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Couldn’t do it, got a safe place to go, took stuff over, brought it back again. Thought I was mentally strong enough, but obviously not, had it all planned
Just felt so mixed up, scared, guilty, upset, you name it. I think I need some professional help, thought could do it without it, thought I had got it sorted, but all I have done now is let people down who have supported me, upset them as they want me to go.
I have read about people going to do it but can’t and don’t understand why, now I know.
So many years of coaching and teaching by my abuser needs time to be unravelled mentally .
I feel a failure that I could not do what I thought could be relatively simple, pack your bags and go

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Thankyou, I have planned this for months, but I don’t think that mentally I’m strong enough, haven’t had any professional support but haven’t asked for it thought I could handled it without it
Feel like I will let everyone down if I don’t go when I planned it.
My child has missed his dad, and can’t wait for him to get home, the emotional side of it all is too much

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I am having to keep things normal at the mo, being nice on the phone, I feel a sense of guilt because I am lying to him and I’m obviously keeping things from him, but I certainly won’t be telling him my plans.
Just need to keep reminding myself of what he has done, and I’ve got to do this for me and my child
Why do i feel concerned/worried/sad for him ? I should be worried about myself?

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I’m new, and like yourself leaving very soon, have been planning for a while, cannot endure any more abuse. But I’m worried too
I feel guilty, I feel sorry for him, but he’s brought it upon himself. I know that when he gets back he will go mad, be very angry and upset. I have to keep reminding myself of what he’s done, but then fear pops into my head and I think can I do this? It’s easier just to put up with it? I don’t want to upset my child, but that is inevitable. I will be taking my pets aswell so that’s going to make him even angrier.
So confused 😔

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Thankyou both Iwon and Kip

I don’t know why it took me so long to come to these ‘ light bulb’ moments, it’s been a very long time coming

Don’t want to hijack this thread so will post up on the other topics

Thanks again for your support

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I’m new to this forum and this is my first post
I am still in my abusive relationship and my ‘moment’ was him punching me hard in the chest at the beginning of the year that it still hurts now, the other defining moment was when about (detail removed by moderator) months later he threatened to put his hands round my throat.
I have been planning to leave, and have the opportunity very soon, but I can’t say that I’m not scared

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