Daisy

[Daisy]

Mc, do try speaking to cab or shelter, or a local law centre regarding your current rights to reside. I hope they can support you to be able to provide the info required to be accepted for benefits and therefore funding for your refuge place.
X x x

[Daisy]

I’ve got to also second that, only give up the job you clearly love if it’s whole heartedly your decision and only yours.
If you were my friend or family I can only see further isolation and control for you and further worry for your friends and family if you haven’t got that reason To be away from there as now.
I think if you did open up to your most trusted supporting family member or friend you might be surprised that they do guess more than you think
X x x

[Daisy]

Maybe I’ve bombarded you with too much in one evening.
Don’t want you to end the eve feeling bad, soz.
Glad you have found the strength to start to look into things,
You found here, so you already know that things are not right.
Stay safe
X x x

[Daisy]

Whilst in an abusive relationship it so all consuming, and you need to be alert at all times for safety. When out , it leaves a big void that takes time to get used to. When it ended up creeping round on eggshells, trying to predict every eventuality and step in and dispel it , all that doesn’t Die down instantly.so I would say all that energy and care now needs to be diverted to you. Try to do nice, relaxing things and things you enjoy. Be gentle and understanding with your self, give yourself time and don’t be too critical of yourself. I think it does help to get things out but only with a trusted safe person or environment and only when you are ready too.
You are grieving the relationship you hoped it would be, and it,s ok to still think and feel for him, just think and feel don’t act on these emotions, he’s not worthy of you and in time I can promise you, you will be wondering what you saw in him, won’t feel as you do now about him and will probably even go days or longer without thinking about him too.
In the meantime, try giving your bedroom a mini make over or change around,get some comforting things around you and when the nightmare wake you , reach out and touch those things to calm you.
X x x

[Daisy]

My abuser used to say, after a beating “i’ll Never let anyone hurt you ever you know that don’t you” yet he was the only one who ever had, often.
How warped was that and there was I hurting, humiliated and feeling worthless, quiet or apologising for no real reason other than to keep the peace , and hoping things dudn’t Start up again with my inner little cheeky survivor’s voice silently telling me what a suck minded bully he was
X x x

[Daisy]

Just saw your response re calculated actions pc,
Sorry I missed it earlier,you get stressed, as do I but we wouldn’t do to others what is done to us so it’s no excuse, there is no escuse for this cowardly violence.
I also don’t see it as your tolerance increasing pc more you survival instinct kicking in, i’ve Had to accept and Do ,and said some pathetic things just to stop things getting too out of hand but it just got worse and worse.
The effect it’s starting to have on you is worrying, it could really start to effect your job you love, that keeps you independent, and I somehow feel he would be quite pleased, and finally these abuser like the fact it effects us so much and becomes so all cumsuming, they don’t like us to have time and space to think clearly because it’s precisely that, time and space we do need to see the negative effects they have on us
X x x

[Daisy]

Yes, PC and IWMB, it is sad it’s happening so much but also it is good there is resources like this forum where we can support each other, share information and knowledge and just open up about what is happening.abusers thrive on our keeping quiet and covering it up, keeping their abuse hidden They like to control and build things up so we end up complying.good luck with the plus versus minus list , seeing it in black and white, with the minus list running on and on is undeniable and widens our eyes to what we are facing, I feel.be careful to destroy it or hid it safely though as if they realise they are losing their control and you are daring to start questioning things and seeing the stark truth the abuse often escalates, just to put you back in what they consider your place.
Do either of you have anyone for real life support, think hard and don’t let independent pride get in the way, i’d Want to know and support my mum if she was going through this, just as much as I would my daughter
X x x

[Daisy]

hello from me too, and i’m Glad you found the forum and your voice to post.
What you say is sadly so familiar, abusers often behave in the same way, and we as kind, compassionate partners, minimise this behaviour by making excuses and looking to see what we can do to stop it. Sadly we can’t , it’s their choice to treat us as they do and yes it is a decision or choice to do so.
Think about that for a moment and I ask does he treat his boss or work colleagues or friends as he does you? And the answer is no because he wouldn’t keep his job or friendships. I understand now , at this point you say he means so much to you. Is it him , everything the good and bad , the whole package that you talk about meaning so much or just the good parts, the good memories or even the idea of the happy relationship you want , is it really him that will make you happy because I don’t think it is, I think you know that he is treating you so wrong. It’s a good chance whilst you are apart to put down in writing the good things versus the bad and I expect that the bad will for out way the good. You are in good company here, we have all settled for way short of what we deserve, hoping things will improve, they will change, stop, and treat us as we treat them but it rarely happens , and often gets worse. I too covered up bruises and minimised what was really going on and had my possessions broken , thrown, smashed in arguments- never his so it’s controlled and even calculated actions really on their part, isn’t it.
X x x

[Daisy]

Perhaps try to speak to your baby’s health visitor, they should be able to help and advise
X x x

[Daisy]

GoingInsane, there’s an aweful lot in your posts about what he wants ,because he’s bombarding you ,that’s part of the abuse and it’s so time and energy consuming but I would say , it’s not just about what he wantswhat’s so much more important here is for you to shut this out for a while as much as you can and think about your needs, what you want, your free from abuse life and then to use your strength for moving forward safely with that not getting caught up, going round in the endless circles of his nasty GameStop xxx

[Daisy]

Funny how you felt surprised Ssss how things were going along without him, because YOU were the one dealing with everything all along anyway – weren’t you. But him not being there dragging you down is clearly good for you, and your self esteem, you seem more relaxed and confident – do you agree?
Yep , urgent report and non urgent keep a record of as a lot of little breaches still add up too and get too much and need reporting.
What ever he has been ordered not to do, you need to enforce.
He needs to realise that he can’t just do as he pleases anymore.
Well done Ssss, I know it’s not easy but it does get easier , by sticking to the no or least contact.
X x x

[Daisy]

You need to keep a diary Ssss and be firm with your child that they speaks to you before taking thing to their dad, and it shouldn’t keep happening either, Is these requests for urgent stuff or is this just continuing nonsense from him, the later I expect.
You need to have no contact with him , or him with you, so you can have the space and time needed for you to decide without pressure what is the right way forward for you and the children
X x x

[Daisy]

Yes, really good thread and common what ever age I think, although teenagers are much harder to communicate with at the best of times.
I recall hating that transition period.
Girls are much better at talking it through I found than boys but it still was a day or two later.
The thing to try that helped me, is to try to plan and let them know, something to do perhaps the day after they return. So they have that at least to look forward too whilst away and to rely on and adjust back to, and it doesn’t need to be expensive either , just sharing some time or activity or favourite meal etc.

[Daisy]

With young children no contact really will have to be minimum contact, just relating to contact arrangements.
But when dealing with abusers, nothing is as it should be and as you have found out already, it’s not about planning to see and doing things with the children that they arrange, it’s a pretense to continue to upset, unsettle, control and further abuse you.
This may sound harsh but I don’t mean it to but if you agree to contact, you are deciding that your child will be safely looked after by their other parent. So that said whilst they are with them they will have to initially deal with all issues, if you don’t think they will You perhaps shouldn’t allow or be pressured into unsupervised contact Arrange an email address to contact you and a separate one just for that would be good. That way, it’s lest direct and a written record too.
Try to get a set routine or arrangement, that way you and your children will be more settled or able to prepare. No small feat I know but I can only echo you are not tied forever; just still tied every other weekend or what ever you arrange and only until your child is a teenager then They will not need you to do all the communicating/arrangements, you child will be more used to dealing with most of it.
Abusers use every avenue to continue to abuse but if you do go as much no contact as possible, you can limit what abuse you have to continue to receive.
I’m not a believer in FaceTiming ,it seems so anti healing for you having to listen to your abuser’s voice in your now safe home but if you feel it is working for you and best for you child I understand and you can always monitor it and end the call if not
X x x

[Daisy]

sending you a hug and some virtual strength Ssss and poodle power he was abusive and cruel right to the end, please be kind to yourself , allow yourself time to heal from the horrific time you have had. what happened is quite common with these abusers, harming others, threatening to harm themselves, threatening our friends and family, pets , everything and anything to keep us doing what they want , or what they think they want at the time as god knows it keeps changing ,not caring the damage to us because if they did , they woukdn’t Do what they do and when the power shifts and we start to see them for what they are -using that final act to abuse and hurt right to the end. He did this to himself, you hold your head up high and if you don’t want to hear or read his final probably false words you shouldn’t Have too. There should be guidance online for you regarding this , sending you a big virtual hug too poodlepower
X x x

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