Footballfan1

[Footballfan1]

I love your poem Nbumblebee.
It’s beautiful and so are you.
Take care.
Xxx

[Footballfan1]

In the meantime, is there anyone you can talk to about the trauma you endured?

[Footballfan1]

There is a free NHS therapy.
It’s called talking therapy.
There is a waiting list involved though xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Sadandconfused,

It sounds as though you buried the trauma and didn’t process everything that you were subjected to.
For a long time, you would have been in fight or flight mode, just living off adrenaline.
This keeps you powering through and surviving.

Now, years later, you start to feel safe and you feel anger for what you went through.
This is normal.
Your brain parked the trauma away whilst you needed to carry on.
Now, your brain needs you to process what happened.
This can take the form of nightmares, flash backs, anxiety,zoning out.
Are you experiencing any of these symptoms?
You said you didn’t have any therapy.
It might be worth looking into it now.
It sounds like you are ready to process it.
I believe the only way to move on and put the trauma behind us is to talk about it and understand what exactly it was we endured.
Give yourself credit for getting out and winning the court proceedings.
That is incredible!
Take care. X

[Footballfan1]

Thank you for the kind replies.
I had hoped it would help some of you through difficult patches, and show you proof that it does get better with time.

Bananaboat, you are right.
It’s those times where you hear their full on belly laughs (which are frequent now) that you know what it is all for.

We win in the long run.
A while back I think my ex went through a narcissistic collapse.
It was absolutely mental.
He showed his true ugly self.
It was rather shocking actually.
No one could deny how truly awful he is now.
Me and the kids have moved on.
Still no contact at all with their dad.
I’m pushing for him to have some sort of mental health assessment before being allowed supervised contact, let alone unsupervised.

I also mentioned my messy house because I’m proud that I managed to keep it.
I understand most survivors have to move out and often relocate.
I’m glad I managed to get him out and keep him out.
Again, still got finance to sort out.
Worked on my protective orders first, then the kids arrangements then eventually finances.
Court doesn’t bother or trigger me anymore.
I’ve gotten accustomed to it and I no longer feel anxious.

We are going on our first holiday since the split.

There is a beautiful life out there for everyone one of us ❤️
Stay strong everyone.
Xxx

[Footballfan1]

We are used to keeping silent for fear of repercussions from our abuser.
We have to retrain our brains to stop thinking that way.

You have taken a brave step!

[Footballfan1]

Hello,

You have done nothing wrong.
You have given facts to the Headteacher.
This will help them understand what you and your children were subjected to.
Further down the line, your children may show signs of trauma.
If the school aren’t aware of their experience, it can look like bad behaviour or acting out.
Once they do understand, they can offer support in a beneficial way.
It is a good thing to have the school on board.

I eventually told my children’s school about what we went through.
They offered me help and support and they offered the children emotional support.
Both the children have improved mentally and academically since leaving the abusive situation.
If they had no support from school, I don’t think what they have achieved would be possible.

Feel proud of yourself, you have done the right thing for your children.
It must have been uncomfortable and triggering to confide in the Head.
X

[Footballfan1]

Hello,

If you find a local freedom programme, they are run by survivors.
Not only is it a free programme that helps you understand the cycle of abuse and how to spot red flags, they also appreciate volunteers stepping forward to help.

So on my programme, the director sometimes facilitated the zoom meeting, other weeks it was another lady survivor.
They also had others who took on parts of the session.
They obviously discussed the logistics before each session.
That might be something beneficial for you to get involved in, something that helps you feel like you are contributing to other survivors healing.
X

[Footballfan1]

Hi Stormie,

I stayed and ex was forced to leave.
We are not married either.
It was quite challenging, even with police involvement.
They escalate when they lose control.
Me and the kids were subjected to much more serious abuse after ex was forced to leave.

I did not want to lose my support network and the location of my house is ideal for what I need.
I thought why should me and the kids flee when we haven’t done anything wrong?

I could PM you details if you wish?
Best of luck.

[Footballfan1]

Well done Twix,

That is amazing news!!
You are very strong and a great mummy to push for this.

My ex too didn’t want to admit anything was wrong with our child.
It was a teacher that pushed for a diagnosis.
Ex was so aggressive and mean to her, for daring to say there was anything wrong with HIS child.
We were still together at the time so it was a very stressful time, it caused many rows and arguments.
The thing is though, it gives the kids the best chance of success in life as they are given additional help and support, and just generally understood.
Keep pushing forwards x

[Footballfan1]

Oh the part about (detail removed by Moderator), they often make things up to make us feel guilty or bad for them.
But even if it is true, it doesn’t make any difference, he still abused you beforehand.
X

[Footballfan1]

Nbumblebee,
It is 100% him, not you.
Like Chocolatebunnie said, if you give in and stop work, there will be something else next.
Work was the only thing that kept me sane.
If he really believed the marriage was over, he would do something about it.
He wants to control you and he is threatening you with the marriage to make you do what he wants.
I feel for you, I truly do.
It only gets worse, not better.
I didn’t think I could end it either, my relationship was a similar amount of years to yours.
I did it though, and you can too if that is what you want.
You can do anything you put your mind to.
Big hugs 🫂
Xxx

[Footballfan1]

Well done Ewemoon,
This is great news.
Greyrock gave great advice, I agree, do not underestimate the lengths they go to.
I made this mistake and put myself and the children in danger by not grasping the situation.
My ex escalated badly, multiple times.
Go 0 contact if you can or at least have witnesses if you have to have contact.
Don’t feel bad, and don’t feel obligated to allow contact with the children.
You have had to escape for a reason.
He lost his rights to you and the kids when he abused you.
If he ends up having the kids, he could keep them and not give them back.
The police can’t do anything about this.
Keep posting and take care xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Twix,

I’m sorry to hear you haven’t had a good week.
Feel free to PM me if you want to.

My understanding of this is that they will complete an assessment to determine the best path for the children.
Xx

[Footballfan1]

My eldest was the preferred child.
He started to become brain washed by his dad.
When dad started losing control, because I refused contact, he suddenly turned on my son and was angry, hostile and aggressive towards him.
Then suddenly he bombarded him with expensive gifts. (Nothing for the youngest).
All that did is make my eldest fear him even more.

Your child is likely afraid of dad, but won’t show this until he feels safe.
He will be afraid of dad’s consequences if he angers him.
Xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Twix,

This is amazing, I can see the positive change in your post!
Well done.
It does help to understand what is going on in your body and brain.
Tbh, the escalation was a massive error for ex because it led to everything being handed to me.
He was really silly!
It has triggered my youngest though, he had a bad week at school, I’m trying to bring him back up to where he needs to be.
We had a busy weekend with friends and family.
The exercise helps a lot.
I started a few months ago and I can say it improves mental health, energy levels and sleep.
I can PM you a little routine I do if you wanted.
Burpees are good for overall body and core.
I also cycle to work and back and enjoy that.
Xx

[Footballfan1]

Your child will not hate you.
He will thank you for getting you out of there.
I believe in truth (in an age appropriate way).
When he is old enough, you could tell him what his father was like, what he did.
He would then understand why he is not in his life, or only limited times.

It’s definitely the in-between times that causes us to be on edge.
When things escalate, we got into fight or flight mode.
The adrenaline keeps us going.
After, our brain and bodies are exhausted.
We grow used to always living with the adrenaline, when there is nothing happening to need it, it is bad for our brain and bodies.

It happened to me again recently, I’ve been on edge, because it was too quiet.
I started to think I was being over cautious.
Then, he escalated again and police were involved.
I hardly slept for a few days because of sorting stuff out , even in the early hours, police were phoning me and taking statements.
I expected to crash at some point, but didn’t.
It was the adrenaline.
When it goes quiet again, that is when the anxiety will kick in, and I’ll start thinking I’m being over the top and dramatic.
I’m pleased you are getting that support, keep taking what you can to move forward and help you process what happened to you x

[Footballfan1]

Also,
My ex reported me to social services too.
They didn’t act either.
It is a common tactic.
It’s the bad father element from the dominator book x

[Footballfan1]

Sorry I meant child, not plural x

[Footballfan1]

Hi Twix,

I have felt identical to you.
The dreams, lack of focus etc..
When you are in the middle of it, it does seem that there is no end in site.
What you are experiencing is caused by PTSD.
It is our brains way of processing and coping with the trauma.
You may also have disaccociation as well, I had it quite often and it was scary.
This could be the loss of focus part for you.
If you search online, you should be able to refer yourself for therapy, for free, through the NHS.
I’m now on a waiting list for trauma therapy.
The therapist also gave me some self help techniques to help me in the meantime.
Now I’m finally at the end of my battle, the fog has lifted and my mental health has improved already.
It is purely because you don’t feel safe, your brain causes all these symptoms.
Eventually, you will begin to feel safe again.
Unfortunately, I think it takes 0 contact for you and the children to feel safe.
My children haven’t had any contact at all with ex for quite a while now, he’s not safe enough.
Don’t feel guilty, does he feel guilty for all he’s put you and the kids through?
X

[Footballfan1]

Hi Wanttoleave,

I understand your feelings and frustrations.
I found channeling my anger into exercise helps.
I started small, and built up bit by bit.
I also cycle to work.
My mental health has improved massively.
It takes time to work though, around 8 weeks before seeing a decent change.
I have much more energy, pick healthier foods and feel less stressed.
Keep talking on here too, as others have suggested.
It helps to vent and release the anger xx

[Footballfan1]

I’ll PM you as it will probably get moderatored.
Have a lovely weekend.
X

[Footballfan1]

Thank you Nbumblebee,
Your words touch me.
I just want to reach you and pull you out of your nightmare, I truly do.
You have been so kind and patient with me, you endure so much pain yet have the empathy to reach out to us all who suffer on this forum.
You are truly a lady who kind, patient and full of empthathy xx

[Footballfan1]

Well done Ewemoon,

I feel that things are working out in your favour for a reason.
Draw deep into your reserves and pull out all that energy, confidence, determination ready for the interview.
Don’t put pressure on yourself.
Go into that interview knowing that you are a clever, resourceful women.
X

[Footballfan1]

Thank you TwistedSister,

Your words meant a lot.
You have helped me and given me great advice when I’ve been at my lowest.
Thank you for all your support xx

[Footballfan1]

Thankyou so much Chocolatebunnie,

That means a lot.
I’m not inspirational, I’ve been extremely lucky to have such an amazing support network.
My family, friends, everyone on this forum have kept me sane and focused.
I’d have been a wreck if it wasn’t for this forum.
I hate seeing all the ladies on here suffering, it really kills me inside.
Xx

[Footballfan1]

Thank you Twix,
Your words mean a lot.
You have been a great support to me too.
I remember reading your first post on here and I was gobsmacked how identical our lives had been.
It helped me understand the abusers psychology a lot more and got me researching it.

I can’t wait to finish work and spend quality time with the kids, we can do anything they want.
Xx

[Footballfan1]

Thank you so much Hereforhelp,

You have made me cry literally with your kind words.
We have more strength in us than we realise, and we are incredibly brave.
That is why they grind us down and attack us, they feel threatened by our strength.
They lash out and hurt us, at times we are frustrated with the lack of protection and action from authorities.
I believe if we keep moving small steps forward, the abuser eventually sets themselves up to fail.
Every single one of us can get the future we deserve, full of joy and happiness.
Take care xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Ewemoon,

Congratulations on your interview.
I’m glad you are still applying for jobs/promotions.
Can you check online to see if there are any registered child minders in your area?

[Footballfan1]

Thank you Nbumblebee,

Everyone on here is incredible.
We should all be proud of ourselves.
Thank you, I will enjoy it 😊
Xx

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