Freedom123

[Freedom123]

Thankyou so much for replying. To my mind 2 years seems such a long time! But a small part of me knows its best. I feel ashamed I let my ing treat me so wrong. I tried to kiss him eaier and he pushed me off of him and left. Sone days we are cuddling and seem so happy then he is tellomg me he feels guilty and cannot see me. Then like today he came round and acted as if nothing was going on between us! I have deted his number and I really hope I am.strong and I dont see him again. I really need a support group but what one! The “I am flinging myself at anyone” group lol. I just feel consumed with loneliness. I invested emotions in the fling, I thought he was lovely and we could eventually be happy. Turns out I was wrong again!!,

[Freedom123]

Taking back control and thinking for youself feels absolutely fantastic!

[Freedom123]

Thats great! When I qas in my abusive relationship I loved it when he wasnt around. I had my own space and I felt so relaxed 🙂 is there anyway you coukd use this time to get out if the relationship for good whike you have the chance? Maybe phone WA up? I feel like I have spent a large part of my life getting out of abusive relationships. My mum had to flee really bad domestic abuse and we ended up in a refuge then I married a man who regulary smashed my house and took drugs. I know leaving can often seem more scary than staying but it is still very possible. Were all here for you if and when you are ready to make that step xx

[Freedom123]

@helalthyarchive. I will probably read all of the books you mentioned! My biggest fear is not heaing or recognising when I am being manipulated and ending up right back where I started wondering how I got there xxxx

[Freedom123]

Thankyou all for replying. After reading your replys I feel much more sane and secure knkwing the feelings are normal and I am not abnormal in anyway. @Ayanna, I think I will speak to my g.p for that and also other things, I have developed a bit if anxiety and today I had a sense that one day I will be dead ( sorry to be so blunt) the fear came fron nowhere, it did leave as quickly as it came but it left me shaken, I didnt think being “gaslighted”, putdown and made to feel like your constantly wrong or nagging would have this much of an affect, but the more time I am free from him the more I notice things are a little more damaged than I thought. Not only emotionally but since I had to call the police on him a few months back I have had nothing but bellyaches, constipation, cramps and constant butterflies. I know these symptoms will pass and are needed for healing but they have taken me by suprise. @ healthy archive, I will look at the link and the book, I need all the knowledge and understanding I can get!. I understand about reaching out to people whrn you are on your own, I find myself searching my phone for people to text. I have a male feiend iboften text for a chat, he is lovely and ibthonk he has an idwa of what I am going through, he supports me and listens but wont come round or accept my invites to the pub! He is genuinly a lovely man but he knows where I am at now is vulnerable and he refuses to let either myself or him take advantage of that. But I still find myself literly searching forbpeople talk to.I need to safe guard myself so I confided in a friend how I am feeling, she is a counsellor, I was frightened to twll her because I felt ashamed but I knew tslking to someone woukd help me getvit out and maybe help me ti regulate my behaviour. It did help alot!!!. @starmoon. Alot of what you said made complete sense too!!my step dad was verbally and physically abusive so my aim was to please him while he destroyed my confidense and ability to think for myself. Other people up to this point have contributed to my current mixed up state but from now on I am going ti be making the decisions, if they are bad ones they will be my bad ones that I can learn and grow from, if they are food ones then I camearn to teust my judgement. I really must get myself on the freedom project and learn decision making amd trusting my own feelings. I cant ever let anyone have so much of me they control my thoughts and feelings. J just need sobmuch to defend myself against that, and I can oy do that by becoming strong and independent. Xxxxxxxxxx. If anyone of you ever wants to pm me your a more than welcome. Thankyou l so much for reading my post because you have vidated me as a human being and reassured me I am not insane or “bad”. Xxxxx

[Freedom123]

Healthy archive, Thank you for sharing that with me. Its not easy being honest with ourselves especially on such a topic lol. I thonk your right about stopping all contact. I deleted my profile on the dating app and ocked a man I met through it but u sti feel this deep void I am tempted to try and meet somebody although I know I wont. I am just confused as to why a part of me is so destructive it wants.to risk going through the abuse all over again! I am looking forward to finding myself but also scared and I dont know why x

[Freedom123]

Hi starmoon, I am seeing a counsellor but it was supposed to be marriage counselling! Since my ex was so vindictive and refused to go I asked if I could still use them just for me. Luckily for me she agreed, although since reading some of these posts I will try to get on a freedom program. I need to learn why I accepted being treated so badly and I need to kearn to know me and recognise another abuser if I have the misfortune of meeting another !

[Freedom123]

Thankyou! I think my fear of being alone is driving me to be absolutely mad!!!! I am looking forward to finding me but I am also scard witless!!! I have had someone in my life makimg all the decisions for me and I suppose I am trying to find a new decision maker! Although thats a role I need to take for myself. Did you experience the same fears? How long did it take for you to finally accept youself xx

[Freedom123]

Thank you for listening. My situation sounds similar to yours,I was with my ex since being a teenager. I try to please and have no idea of the rules of friendship or relationships! But I know I dont need another relationship. Wtf am I doing!!

[Freedom123]

Thankyou all for the support and taking the time to respond. It really does help!I am dredding the next time he is nice, I hope I will be strong. Please can you explain to me what trauma attachment is? Also will this confusion last? I am a wreck and can’t decide what socks to wear lol 🙂

[Freedom123]

Thank you for replying. Somewhere deep inside I know it was abuse. But I get so confused! Especially when he us nice. He asked earlier if I wanted tk go out, I was too scared to say no. I eventually said no, so he replied back eing nasty, them he said he had ordered a curry and to come abd eat it with him, I again said no to which he got arsie and asked to see our daughter instead. I dropped her to him( she is almost a teenager) and needed to beep the hirn as I had forgotton my phone he came out in a mokd and told me off for beeping. I have these mind fears when he is walking briskly ot suddey moving that he is going to hurt me. Its completely irrational because he only ever hit me once or twice years ago. He was more if a smash everything up man, and now he has text being nice again. All this in the space of a.couple of hours, but sometimes he gors for days without contact and I think he has got the message and startti feel settled then he messages being nice and I feel like I cant breath or move on and start to doubt my sanity and the abuse. Is this normal? If it really was abuse wouldn’t it be obvious?

[Freedom123]

Reading you post has given me hope!! 🙂 did you experience feelings of absolute fear of beibg alone forever or meeting someone, thinking its all good and then find you have met someone exactly the same as your ex!

[Freedom123]

I am reading my own post like I dont even recognize that I wrote it!

[Freedom123]

I often question if I left abuse or not. We argued, he smashed the house, he NEVER apologise but gave me tje silent treatment and called me a nag if I tried to talk about it. He even pulled the handbreak on the car when I was driving and I crashed, only a few people know that and tell me its abuse but I am so numb and confused even that does not shock me and I feel I am over reacting. I got the police to remove him (detail removed by moderator) because he came home (detail removed by moderator) drunk and accusing me if having an affair ( not true) but now he is out of the house my mind is numbing how I felt and I am seriouy question if it even happened. Some days i am strong then he messages me ans says he will work on his issues if I accept I am part responsible, then says he is moving far away. I get distraught message him and then he says whats the point of me staying you are ignoring me! Literally just now he has text and asked if I want to go out with him. I am so so confused!!!! Am I playing mind games? I am too scared to even tell him I can’t, to put boundaries in place or be honest with him. Please help! Will I be on my own forever? Maybe he is the person I am ment to be with and we need to work on things? He can be so good and understanding. Am I being a b****? I have been going mad! I signed up to a dating site I am terrified of being on my own or him moving on and regretting not giving him a chance.

[Freedom123]

I am experiencing the exact same feelings. Sometimes I try hard to think of why I had to leave amd find myself questioning if it really was that bad. He smashed my house whenever he got angry, smoked weed like a chimley, never helped with the bills and thought I was being pedantic if I asked if he wanted to spend time with his kids. They are almost teenagers and dont even miss him. He was so bad and absent when he lived here they got used to his absence. I got used to sleeping in my own and the cycle of violence became my normal.

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