Hope123

[Hope123]

First, forgive yourself. This stuff is hard. There is no shame in this but it also doesn’t mean contact has to continue. You are in control and you can say no more and stop contact. You don’t need permission. Put it down to experience and part of your recovery is making a mistake in this contact and coming back from it stronger.

[Hope123]

You are posting on a women aid website. Why are you here?

Childhood abuse does not give permission to abuse others. This is a cycle of behaviour and you will ask this again in a few months. And that ok if you need to.

You do not need permission to walk away. But if you feel that you do need permission to walk away here it is. You get to choose who you are with. You don’t need a reason. It’s ok just to say this is not what I want.

Take care x

[Hope123]

From my experience you will feel initially fee amazing and free. The reading about FOG is great. Essential I would say.

But be careful not to get complacent, the old patterns can re-emerge. Be ready and have a whack-a-mole approach.

It takes time (I’m over 3 years and still feel the trauma everyday) but I promise it’s the best thing ever.

[Hope123]

You know when it’s wrong. When your partner resents your success it’s wrong. You end up downplaying it just to keep the peace. Trust your gut.

[Hope123]

Thank you xx

[Hope123]

I haven’t seen him. But I want to. I need to get a strategy in place for when I want to. I thought I had. But this was just too overwhelming. I have a 12 hour strategy. So if I want to contact him I can. But only if I still want to in 12 hours. So if I’m feeling like I want to contact him 10pm I tell myself if I still want to at 10am I can. But I never do because the craving has gone.

This time I did. So I need a new strategy.

[Hope123]

I wish I had an answer! Others give such good advice.

But I wish I had kept a diary. I did write a few things down but mostly I let things go and thought I need to write that down in the morning, then never did.

I wish I had it to reread when I sit and think about the good times as my memory tells lies.

[Hope123]

I can hear the doubt in your words but if someone close to you told you that story would you say that it’s nowhere near as bad as others? No you would see it for what it is. But because of those trauma bonds you don’t see it for yourself. Give yourself the advice you would give someone else.

It’s really hard and it takes so much to unpick yourself out of those bonds. I still want someone else to do it for me! But that’s impossible.

Be kind to yourself but give yourself the tough love you need to get out and be safe and be happy xx

[Hope123]

Hi Imagine,

Its really difficult dealing with the guilt of ending a relationship, because at the bottom of it you are good person who has empathy and concern for other people. The problem is you won’t get the same respect back.

The one thing I would say is keep the no contact. I didn’t and regret it everyday. Its like starting from scratch again and although I should practice what I preach I didn’t and its just extended the misery.

Hope you’re OK x

[Hope123]

You are safe now and while the emotional rollercoaster is about to start – remember you have your safety belt on – it’ll be scary and confusing but you’re safe.

Take help where you can, rest, sleep if you can – I slept for hours every day when I finally got out – hide under the duvet if you need to to but look after yourself. When you have a bad day don’t worry about it, when you have a good day make the most of it and do things that make you happy.

Take care of yourself x

[Hope123]

I always do the arrangements – I’m “so good at that stuff and find great places and great prices” – or in other words pop me on my pedestal until I have got all the arrangements sorted because I’m can’t be bothered!

Holidays start with drinks at the airport and carry on from there. Constantly seeking out where his next drink is coming from. We have had some great trips but there is always one night where there is a big unnecessary incident. The problem is that I never know when its coming so am massively anxious until it happens and then I almost feel like I can relax from the next day onwards. The bragging to strangers about his successes and exaggerated stories of things he’s done or people he knows and I’m just smiling and never ever challenging.

Birthdays are always ruined various drama or incidents or plans for me are made that that actually are just what he wants to do and I just smile and go along with them.

The behaviour patterns are just so similar its crazy!

[Hope123]

And you’re describing my experience too. At the start everything was going to be amazing. Luxury holidays and travelling the world. How he would look after me. Fast forward to me racking up debts to pay for his addiction and on ending the relationship feeling such guilt that he is unemployed and no longer living a nice house with a nice life. Why do I feel guilt that this is the case when his nice life resulted in mine being miserable?

I feel embarrassed that I allowed this to happen. After all I’m a reasonably intelligent successful person in all other areas of life. How could I be so stupid? And how did I repeatedly think things would change and get sucked back in?

I had to do so much reading and learning to acknowledge that I was powerless at the time to make the change as I didn’t understand why everything suddenly shifted between unbearable to great. Now I do I still find it tough to not get sucked back into drama and the ‘buzz’ that that would give me. Or to try and convince him and explain why this relationship ended due to his behaviour and not my deficits but what’s the point? With my need to be the ‘good’ or ‘nice’ one against his need to be right this will always be a circular argument and there is no resolution.

How I did it was leave and inform the police and then they made an agreement for him to leave on a fixed date and I returned to the house after he’d gone. I did get some advice from WA before leaving as as the house is mine they said it was OK to do and he would had to leave. I then got conflicting advice after leaving where the police said if he didn’t go they couldn’t make him. I panicked but WA assured me that this wasn’t correct. He did leave so it worked out OK. I’m not suggesting it as a strategy but I had to get out quickly for safety reasons.

Its an ongoing saga but my choice is to be happy in the future. Even if its difficult now is so much calmer and that feels good for the soul.

x

[Hope123]

Hi Desolate – I’m doing exactly the same thing. My head is a mess but I do still love him and of course he is now able to mess with it more.. Because I let him! So I have no advice – just letting you know that you aren’t a lost cause. We can do this x

[Hope123]

I could have written most of this over the last couple of days. But is have made contact and how I wish I had come here first. Struggling with the same issues around contact. What have I done?? You have said exactly what I’m thinking and and struggling to accept. The man I love is in my head. It is a lie and not based on reality. But the pain of abandonment as he moves into his next victim is so painful.

So thank you for starting the topic with your honesty and thank you to the wise replies. x

[Hope123]

You’re amazing! And one day you’ll get used to care coming your way. Just sorry you have to go through what you did x

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