JessicaJones

[JessicaJones]

Hello,

It absolutely does get easier. I am years out of my relationship. The trauma bond is gone. Do I still have symptoms of trauma? Yes. But in terms of how I feel about him I feel nothing.
Everyone’s recovery journey is different and dependent upon a lot of factors. The most important (if you are able and don’t have to see him for any reason like kids etc) is to be no contact. Have distance.
As I just said in another reply, I have been through all the emotions in extremes. Extreme extremes. Time truly is a healer. And it does take time unfortunately. You’ve been through trauma, the brain takes time to process it all. But it will get there.
I now feel nothing towards my abuser except the occasional rage. Sometimes I still feel panic. I still have flashbacks. But for the most part, he’s just a part of my past. One that taught me a lot. You can heal. My trauma bond was strong, it took me so many attempts to get away. I didn’t know how not to be there being abused. Time and distance and focusing on yourself.
One thing I have done a LOT of over the years is write. All my emotions whatever they have been I wrote them all out, poured them out of me.
No matter how you feel just let it all go without judging it. Pour it out.
It helps untangle all the mess and then your brain can process it all.

But yes, it absolutely does get better.

[JessicaJones]

Hello,
I just thought I would reply to this as I am years out of my relationship now and I have been through it all and when I say it all I mean all. I have experienced the most horrible emotions a person can experience and all of them to extremes. Sadness, rage, despair, crippling desperation, numbness.
You’re out. Yes it is terrible for his new partner but focus on you. YOU are free. And maybe not right now but one day you will be able to look back and go wow. I’m so lucky. You’re obviously in a tough place but you have your life, it’s yours, free of a terrible person who hurt you and caused you nothing but pain and suffering.
It does get better believe me. I have been through the depths of hell and I am now the strongest I’ve ever been in my life despite my issues that I have been left with.
Everyone’s journey is different. But I would encourage you to try to look at the positives. You are free. You get another chance.
With mine I feel pretty much nothing towards him now. It’s complicated. There are obviously still some feelings there, but mostly I just feel nothing. I’m just glad I’m away. And I’m grateful for my life. Everyone’s journey is different but you will get better I promise you. It does get easier, but it takes time.

[JessicaJones]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your responses! I really did appreciate them so much! I did come back here and read them and felt that enormous sense of relief. You all tell me exactly what I need to hear and help me understand. I am so grateful for all of you!
However, I was not able to respond as I experienced some really intense flashbacks again.
And coming on here seemed to make it worse. I tried to type. And I just couldn’t.
I think one of the reasons for that is being on here makes it more real. Which is really frustrating because at the same time, here is the only place I feel truly understood in regards to what happened to me and the way my brain has changed following it.

I am having a bad episode right now. Things seem to get slightly better and then worse again. It’s been getting gradually worse over the course of the last month.

I’m sorry if I don’t reply sometimes, but please know how very grateful I am to anyone that responds to me! It really does help.

You’re all absolutely right. I should be proud of how far I have come. I should be proud of the fact I am still standing and still here. That is an achievement in itself.

[JessicaJones]

So basically what all our ex’s/partners share is they all have massive, blatant feelings of sexual inadequacy. I don’t even think mine enjoyed the feelings of rough sex that much, at least not in the sexual sense. He just felt that rougher meant better. The rougher and more abusive, the more of a man he was. And it got absolutely ridiculous in the end. I’m not even going to share. Does anyone else suspect their guy had homosexual and/or bisexual feelings that they couldn’t acknowledge or accept? I know mine did and I think that’s what was much of the cause of his anger in that area. It made him feel less of a man for not being fully heterosexual and that caused him to feel ridiculously sexually inadequate. I think this is the case for many men who behave this way. Although not all.

[JessicaJones]

Hi OctoberSunshine,

Thank you so much 🙂 I am really proud of myself. I have come a very long way. And yes, survivors deserve SO MUCH more than how we are treated. It really is shocking. I won’t go into it cause in the past I’ve had my comments removed for saying too many bad things about the police… but they certainly need to improve… THAT’S FOR DAMN SURE.
Thank you for your advice. It is like you say, it is the unpredictability that bothers me. Even though it has been years, I specifically remember him plotting to hurt people who had ‘wronged him’ from 10+ years ago, hatching a plan… which is why I sometimes worry he will do the same with me.
In all likelihood, he is with someone else, or has been with many other people. He is obsessed with them now, may even have children with them, and I perhaps cross his mind from time to time when he is very low and he decides that his life is all my fault. Although considering how long it has been potentially someone other poor person has replaced me in that area now. It is probably now all someone else’s fault.

The thing with social media is, I’m afraid if he sees me or perceives me to be doing well, it will make him incredibly jealous.
And I also HATE the fact he could be checking up on me now and again. It makes me so mad. Why should he get to have any information on me or my life?
I don’t do facebook. I have a profile set to private with a profile picture but I never use it. I don’t have many friends on there anyway and noone I have contact with really uses it.
I have other profiles though, ones he could potentially find, and that I believe he probably does search for occasionally at least. I don’t know for sure. There’s that possibility, OR the other is that he has literally wiped me from his brain completely (I hope to god it’s that one!) He had a narcissistic/psychopathic personality so, they discard don’t they. I’m done with now. I certainly hope so! lol

What I worry about is him going through a stage where he is very low and unstable and angry. Then searching for me on social media, seeing me ‘doing well’, and then becoming enraged and going out of his way to ruin me. Which he threatened to do so many times.
He has no public profiles on social media. So I have no way of seeing how he’s doing. And yes I have searched, purely to get an idea of where he is at in life to assess how safe I am from him. But he keeps hidden away.
That and I occasionally search his name for news to see if he has been in it for any criminal activity… because it wouldn’t surprise me.
So it is really difficult to make a decision on this.

Sounds like you have a good security setup! I definitely need to invest in some cameras! And a burglar alarm. I have been meaning to do that for a long time. I just don’t want it to make me more obsessive and check it all the time.
That’s the thing with having cptsd isn’t it. You don’t know if you’re just having a kind of emotional flashback or whether it’s real. It is a bit of both really because having been with dangerous people it is I would say wise to be a little paranoid. But also, my flashbacks can make me panic as if things are happening right now so that is when it becomes a little over the top. It’s rough isn’t it.

I’m going to have a really good think about it, and I think I am going to call some helplines perhaps to help me think it through.

Also, I was obsessed with the idea of doing self-defence classes and also never did it! I really want to now but I can’t currently for reasons I won’t go into. Would definitely in the future though! Again though I worry it would trigger me for obvious reasons. I want to do krag maga and that looks pretty intense!

[JessicaJones]

I hope I didn’t sound like I am not acknowledging what you’re currently going through. Absolutely easier said than done when you’re going through that hell. Of course it is a lot easier for me to sit here right now and say that when I am years out. I just wanted to communicate to you that it won’t last forever. That there absolutely will come a time when it doesn’t hurt like it does now, and your mind and heart have healed. Don’t get me wrong, it still has a lasting effect, it’s the whole reason I logged back in here, I still panic, worry and have flashbacks. I still have some inner conflict. There is lasting damage. But I’m a stronger person and also a person who values themselves a LOT more than I ever did. And I was so incredibly ill. So, if that can happen for me, I just want to let others know, it DOES get better and that though it may seem you’re stuck in an unending black cloud of pain, chaos, confusion and hurt, that will not be the case forever. Feels absolutely impossible when you’re in it, but it’s not. You will get better. Good luck xx

[JessicaJones]

Hi HazyDayz,

It absolutely is. I have been traumatised by both police and nhs unfortunately. It’s tough yes. And yes monsters indeed. To be honest I absolutely hate the fact that he still has this kind of little power over me years on. And yet he could be quite happy completely moved on not even a thought in his head about me (I sincerely hope that is the case). But I still have to worry about it. It’s tough. They live their lives and we are not quite free of them.
I have learned to live with my symptoms. I know I will never be the same again but I try to just let myself be a better person because of what I’ve experienced and not look at the negative, as difficult as that is. I just feel it’s a way of taking my own power back.
I’m a warrior. So are you.

[JessicaJones]

And yeah Asda’s probably not the best place hahahaa

[JessicaJones]

Wow. I have actually been considering going to the hills to do just this for about a year now.
I have so many screams in me. For a very very long time now, I have felt this overwhelming urge to just scream and scream and scream until I can scream no longer. I do scream, and shout. But I need to just let it all out. For as long as I need. And I don’t want to end up being put in hospital.
I also started researching primal scream therapy. Apparantly screaming releases traum even from as far back as your birth.
Sometimes, the urge to scream is so so so great, the anger is so huge, I feel it as a physical sensation. Like this physical force in my throat and round my neck area.
Sometimes, I let little bits out. (When I say little bits I mean, I really scream. But the way I am going to go off if I just let it out completely would have someone calling the police, probably.
I need to do it possibly for hours, so I was going to go to some hills near me and just do it, but it’s quite popular with walkers.
I think this is a sign.
I need to go do my screaming. Thanks for the tip. We should start a screaming club… 😀

[JessicaJones]

Hi Twisted Sister, I think I replied to you after I clicked the reply button for KIP. Not used to reply buttons being on top! Just letting you know so you can see, as I’m not sure if you get notifications when I reply!

[JessicaJones]

Hi Tiffany,
Absolutely. It is ignorance. And I too was ignorant. As I just said to Twisted Sister, I forget this sometimes.
I expect the whole world to just understand me but I have to remember that if I hadn’t had the experiences and the awakening that I have had, I wouldn’t understand either, (although I like to think I’d be compassionate and empathetic, which some people just don’t have time to even attempt).

I was exactly the same. I never thought that it would happen to me, because of my own lack of understanding.
In fact, in the past if you knew me you’d possibly say I was the person least likely to get into an abusive relationship, however, what I didn’t know and what wasn’t visible was that even at that point, the seeds had already been sown. And that’s not saying that I brought it upon myself or that I’m the ‘type’. But I had grown up with a lot of internal issues and experiences that, had I not had, would not have lead me down the road he was waiting down. I know that it isn’t the same for everyone, and I truly believe that it can happen to anyone given the right conditions and/or circumstances, but in my case I can see a lot of the hows and whys now for me personally.
Abuse runs in my family. And I do not believe it is a coincidence that I should end up in that situation considering my family history, upbringing and early childhood and adolescent experiences. This is also something that has made a lot more sense to me since I got out.

Thank you 🙂 I am trying my damned hardest xx

[JessicaJones]

KIP, I remember you too, hi!
Thank you so much 🙂 xx

I really have come a long way. I do forget how far sometimes.

‘What I haven’t got over is the trauma he left me with.’

I feel that. Soo much. It’s not them we don’t get over, it’s the lasting effects of what they did to us!

There is a part of me that was over him long before I even got out. Although I still experience episodes of feeling in that stockholm syndrome state and on very rare occasions, I find myself missing him and thinking everything was my fault. Although this is usually followed by a complete change in my state of mind and I am awake again. Or having terrible flashbacks.

But even on those occasions I feel I ‘miss him’, it’s not him I’m not over, it’s me still living with the psychological effects of what he did. Because that part of myself feels separate from me. It is the brainwashed me returning.

This is what has happened in the last few days. I am all over the place again.

Like you said, I need to keep reminding myself of how far I have come, and hopefully one day I’ll be able to eventually make peace with it too.

Thank you <3 xxx

[JessicaJones]

Twisted Sister,

Thank you 🙂 xx

I just get very upset when I feel misunderstood. It hurts. I feel as though people expect me to behave like an ordinary human being and when my ptsd is triggered it’s hard for me to do that. But at the same time, I feel as though I shouldn’t have to explain to people.

However, I too was ignorant to the complex nature of abuse. One of the only positives about what happened is my increased awareness and how I am now able to clearly see what is and isn’t abuse as a result of it. It has helped me to understand abuse I experienced in the past which I didn’t previously. And just my whole experience growing up and my upbringing. So I guess I can’t just expect people to understand when I too was formerly ignorant.
Thanks for helping me see that. I need reminding sometimes. xx

[JessicaJones]

Hi IWantMeBack,

Not sure if you’ll ever see this, I’ve only just seen this, 6 months since I’ve logged into this forum but thank you.
I am doing much better on the whole now. Still have bad days but it gets easier!

I really hope that 6 months later you have managed to leave or are closer to leaving or making that decision than you were before. It can be a long process. And of course has to be safe. It took me so long to be able to finally do it. And I had to take many precautions and make a plan in order to get away as safely as possible.
Stay strong xx

[JessicaJones]

Hi Autumnique, not sure you’ll ever read this but thank you for that sweet reply.
I’m surprised at my response, I feel like my reply there was very self centred and dismissive at what you said, I think I was just very upset about how I looked at the time,
I also have body dysmorphic disorder so my image is a bit of an issue with me and I was looking in the mirror having a bit of an identity crisis thinking I’m a monster.

Thank you so much, I am doing much better lately. I was brave. I’m realising that more and more now.
And I know you are too. Anyone who is or has been in these relationships is brave. We are made brave through it. We’re the strong ones, we just don’t realise it.
Hope you are doing ok. Xx

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