Learntoliveagain

[Learntoliveagain]

To sad and alone I know you’re right, and please don’t think you’re alone either you’ve reminded me that we have this space to reach out for support and give each hope.
I knew he was never going to make this easy, but just thought (foolishly hoped) if he loves me as much as he claims too he would prove it by leaving and not cause me any more emotional pain.
it’s hard to know other women are going through the same thing, what is wrong with these men! It’s so tough living this way.
I’m trying so hard to be strong, I took my wedding ring off this morning and then had a anxiety attack before going to work. It was pure panic, after speaking to a friend to help me, I finally left the house without it on.
Whatever the consequences are I know I cant let myself be reeled back in not this time, I just cant…..

[Learntoliveagain]

Well done Happybelle, wishing you all the best. Enjoy and have fun and find peace in your new life x

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you for your replies, I always manage to find a little more strength when I read I’m not alone and other women have/are going through this and have survived.
I’m trying so hard not to listen to him crying because it makes me doubt myself. How would anyone be capable to show this amount of remorse just to manipulate me? Then I read through the posts on here and have to remind myself he is more than capable 😪..
I’ve told our children and they have been amazing and so supportive both saying that I need to stop saying I’m sorry they know how things have been and they just want be to be happy.
He was so pissed off that I had told them and has said he’s not telling his family and I’m not to tell anyone else.
He is refusing to listen. He just keeps saying he loves me etc I’ve pleaded with him to stop and he says he’s going to keep doing it until I change my mind.
He then drinks and I’m back walking on eggshells waiting for his mood to change, which it does…. He then gets angry because I won’t say I love him when ge say’s it. Tells me that ive been planning this all along and I’ve been lying that I care about him.
Then the following day he goes back to sending me loving messages. I’m so tired trying to handle every reply to not annoy him or give him false hope.

[Learntoliveagain]

I know it was not going to make any difference me trying to explain again, but I did and he just wouldn’t listen saying I was throwing our marriage away. I kept saying he had done that.
He said so are you saying you want to split up. Everytime he has said this I panic and say no. I didnt (detail removed by Moderator) I said yes.
Now his reaction is tearing me apart I’ve never seen him like this he was begging for me not to do this and crying. I feel so much pain being responsible for causing so much hurt. He said he has no one only me and to give another chance to prove he can change.
This is unbearable, but I can’t go back to living this way, but I’m hurting him so much.

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you all so much for your incredible support and advice. When I read your posts I feel brave and when I’m not at home I feel so much stronger and that I tell myself I can do this. All I need to do is say “I don’t want to try, it’s not going to work” and just except what happens next, but know it will eventually get better.
Then I sit in the room with him and I can’t get the words out. I just sit in a panic and say nothing.
He’s back to not really talking to me, but I’m waiting for the mood to change, I can feel it coming. You all know that feeling, when your instincts are telling you to try and cheer them up, just make them happy before the crap happens.
I need to try and talk to my local women’s aid but I can’t do it during the day when I’m working and their phone lines aren’t open at the weekends. I will and find a way though x

[Learntoliveagain]

Typo near the end of my post. It was meant to read “thank you for saying I’m not weak”.
So very sorry Bananaboat if you have already read it and thought I was saying now instead of not.

[Learntoliveagain]

nbumblebee asked if I truly believed he was sorry, I thought I did when he was saying it and he was fighting back the tears, but as I’m writing this, I think he is only saying sorry now because he thinks I’m going to say I’m done.. I can’t do it anymore. I knew deep down he wasn’t going to be able to change by just saying it. That’s why I said I dont know when he asked about trying again. I wanted to say yes but to worried to say it.
After everything he had said and him being nice all day yesterday, he proved that he cant change he started drinking at the end of the night when I said I was going to bed and I didnt kiss him goodnight he started going on, about he thought we was getting on and that I was dragging things out. I tried telling him I didnt want a argument and that i wanted to sleep, but he wouldn’t shut up. Telling me I was throwing everything back in his face 😪
The same thing again tonight, drinking most of the day, getting annoyed with me and my daughter if we didnt agree with. The more he drank the quieter I got, just trying not to piss him of so he wouldn’t have an excuse to start shouting and stuff.
I really can’t bear the thought of feeling how I feel right now for the rest of my life. Like you better-days the guilt I carry is overwhelming somedays knowing that my children have witness things from a young age, waking up in the morning to doors in the house being punched through etc. I feel so responsible for not leaving years ago.
I think you are so brave chasingthelight to tell him you no longer want a relationship but still live together, I can’t imagine how difficult that is for you.
I cling on to hope that I can find the strength, like Bananaboat and so many other women here, and thank for saying I’m now weak. It’s hard to believe Im anything else.
We do have so very much in common and when you’re on this forum you never feel totally alone. I will try and see if I can get a support worker or counselling as suggested.
Thank you all so much for helping through this weekend xx

[Learntoliveagain]

Going through the exact same thing again as we speak.
Because I never said straight away I wanted him to leave, it’s as if it’s a given he will stay and we will try again while he is trying to change. Being overly nice, ordering a takeaway etc talking about the future, growing old together.
It’s like the decision isn’t ours/yours to make, unless you make your own plans to leave safely.
Take care and a gentle hug to you all x

[Learntoliveagain]

Thanks nbumblebee, you’re always so kind and supportive to everyone on here. It’s so upsetting to hear we all pay a huge price with our mental health to try and keep the men in ours lives happy, or to have a little peace in our homes. If only we could take our own advise we give to others.
I’ve spent the last 3+ hrs talking and trying so hard to make him understand. He noe says he does and he so sorry for everything he has done, and he will try and change, drink less. If we did more things together like we use to he wouldn’t feel so down and wouldn’t want to drink as much. Saying all the things I was begging him to say years ago.
He said he just wants to know if there is a chance, and that he can’t keep going over things he has done because he can’t cope knowing how he has hurt me. Am I turning into the bully by not letting it go by punishing him for things he cant change? He says that I’m the problem now because I’m being nasty when he is trying.
I feel if I say yes, lets give it another go,everything I have learnt would fall to one side and would be doing it because I don’t want to cause him or my children any hurt, but at what cost to me. If I say no, I don’t want to give him another chance, we all hurt, we have to sell the family home etc and i will feel I’m to blame because I was the one with the choice.
Going insane…what if he already knows I haven’t got the courage to end the marriage.
So exhausted 😪

[Learntoliveagain]

Omg the text messages keep coming. He’s saying (removed by moderator) 😥

[Learntoliveagain]

Quick question, how easy is it to get a support worker?
Do I need to speak to my GP or do I call my local women’s aid. I’m guessing there will be a waiting list as well.

[Learntoliveagain]

*write not right

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi KIP
Thank you so much for the advice, I have started to right a journal with dates/times etc.
I hope things never get that bad that I have to have him removed from the house, god I can imagine his reaction to doing that.
I’m really trying to remember and focus on how the abuse cycle works and that is what is happening right now. So hard…

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning nbumblebee,
Thank you for your message and for your support. You must be so tired as well, like you I have taken baby steps to get where I am today. I know you’re not quite there yet (you’re so much stronger now though),believe me you get to a point that you just don’t care anymore, and the thought of spending the rest of my life feeling like this was too much.
I’m not going to lie the last few days with constant texts messages telling me he will change and he won’t lose me is wearing me down. I’m struggling not to keep breaking down in tears at work, if I can’t find the strength to cope with him doing this how will I cope when he changes to being nasty.
I’m going to try and keep things at home as polite and quiet as long as I can (back to walking on eggshells) just to give me a bit more time.
Thank you for saying I’m amazing, I’m not though,I’m feeling like a coward because I want to tell him to stop messaging me and I don’t love him and I want him to pack his bags and leave and that he lost me years ago. As much as I am screaming the words in my head I’m worried about his reaction.
So for now I will get my little strength from your support and all the other incredible women on here xx

[Learntoliveagain]

Thanks Escapee for your kind words and encouragement, and believing I can do this.
I’m definitely not feeling strong right now, anything but….
I knew as soon as I had said I’d had enough my life was going to get really difficult.
It does help knowing that I’m not alone when I log onto this forum and that there is always so much support x

[Learntoliveagain]

After my post on (detail removed by moderator) when I was feeling a little stronger, my husband got up in a mood (I knew he would), and within half an hour he was poking me for an argument.
Started saying I don’t do anything for him anymore, (detail removed by moderator). He was so angry about it.
I tried to stay calm and ignore him, but I couldn’t he just wouldn’t stop, he just got worse, blaming me for everything. Blamed me for his drinking, said he has nothing else to do, if I cared about him I would make more of an effort.
I ended up crying/sobbing and tried to tell him again how he makes me feel and that the only thing he does for me is makes me unhappy.
(Detail of conversation removed by moderator).

On (detail removed by moderator) he texted me at work saying he was sorry for everything (detail removed by moderator).
He said he wants to prove he can change and he is trying. He loves me loads and doesn’t want to lose me.
But…. I have to want to spend more time with him, I have to me more loving to him so he can prove he is trying.
I’m back to square one…. he’s tidying the house before get home from work, telling me he loves me before going to bed, keeps asking if he can do anything to help.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, why do I feel this is never going to end, my life is on shitty loop.
If I don’t start playing happy families he will tell everyone that will listen to him that I was the problem that I’m crazy.
I dont want to do this anymore, I don’t want to be with him. I can’t forgive or forget some of the awful things he has done to me.
I just want the abuse to stop, after all this time and realisation that is what is happening it still kills me to use that word when describing my husband/marriage.
Im so very sorry for the long post I just had to pour my heart out or otherwise I’m just going to fall apart while at work xx

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi everyone,
Thank you for your strength you give me and your advice. I did talk to a solicitor a while ago, but she was awful she just made me panic and I didn’t feel she was listening to me. I felt so uncomfortable telling her my life, I felt I was being judged.
I’m going to hold on to what @tkat44 said ” I am leaving, just not yet”.
The feeling of being disloyal and deceitful sometimes is overwhelming. I have to remind myself this isn’t a normal healthy marriage and I’m not just able to sit down and talk and explain my feelings.
The not knowing how he will react keeps me here, and realisation that he truly believes I will never leave him, regardless of how bad things are hurts so much. How can anyone treat someone so badly, then say they love you and they don’t want to lose you….
I can’t put into words how I cant bear the thought of going though another one of his birthdays, when he expects me to be his plaything for the day and buy him expensive gifts, or another fathers day having to agree with him about what a great dad he is etc.

It gives me hope that so many of you have left, and after a while life becomes worth living again.
For the ladies like me, for the time being we have to try and stay strong for a little longer.

While I feel I have a little strength this morning, before he gets up, and starts moaning and sulking with me for not staying in bed.
I’m going to look for another law firm that deals with DA and won’t cost me a fortune.
A lady on here once told me when I first posted my situation that “it starts with baby steps”.

Thank you again, for reminding me I’m not alone.

Take care xx

[Learntoliveagain]

You are definitely not a failure, moron or anything he has called you, because not one single woman who posts on this forum is any of those things. That is just things they call us to make us feel small and shit about ourselves to makes us believe we will never be enough.
I have only started to believe this by reading the words on this forum. So thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart ❤️
But… even though I know that, I’m still here in the same house, but I’m trying so hard this time to be strong and try to remember that I haven’t done anything wrong, and I didnt deserve to be treated this way.

The reason for the anxiety attack was the thought of his reaction. Would he lose his temper or cry and part of me realised it symbolised there was no going back. Whatever happen next I had to deal with it. Ive had that feeling and thoses thoughts all day, it feels so strange not feeling it there after so many years.

He’s back to not speaking to me because (detail removed by moderator). So I’m sat feeling guilt that he might mean ever word he writes and I’m causing him so much hurt. I dont want to feel sorry for him 😔 x

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi Eyeswideopen, I think my husband reaction to spliting up/divorce would be the same. Implying he had nothing to live for now, just knowing I would worry about him when he was at work. Then if that wasn’t working the nasty side of him would appear. He just wouldn’t be able to help himself, especially after he has been drinking.
I know I’ve allowed him to treat me so badly for decades, but surely he must of had times when he thought I might just be brave enough to say, no more.
Trying to stay focus and trying to gain every little bit of strength I can find so I can find my voice and tell him. Just feels right at this very moment it would be much easier to say OK, we can try. This is so frigging hard, the hardest part is since joining this forum I have learnt so much about abuse and love bombing etc, that I know what he is doing yet I’m still allowing him to have the control. I just want to shut myself away and not ever have to think about now or reliving the past 😣
Thank you to all of you for allowing me to ramble on, being able to put my thoughts on here is getting me through each day without caving in xx

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you for posting a message Gerbil, it really does help just knowing so many of you have got out of your relationship even though it has been incredibly hard.
I dread going home at the moment, still no shouting or losing his temper, I’m not even getting the totally blanking silent treatment.
He’s only speaking when I speak to him, the rest of the time he’s just sitting on his phone or watching the TV, looking like he will burst in to tears at any point. Helpng out around the house, I know I have nothing to feel guilty for, but…… he is making me feel so low right now.
(detail removed by Moderator), so I have no excuse to stay out of our bed, and I’m starting to panic, I don’t want to sleep with him.
It sounds like the only really way to end this and to be able to move on is to move out because he isn’t going to.

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi Bananaboat,
Thank you for your advise. Yes you were right, he did text do you want to split up. I tried ignoring the message, panicking about what to say. He just kept texting, nothing to say, ignoring me now. The longer I left it the more pissed off he was. So I just said I never asked you to leave.
Got home after work expecting an argument or tears, but I got the silent treatment instead along with him drinking all night. Sitting there waiting for him to start, was awful. Nothing happened.
I so wish I had the strength/courage not to worry about the future and just concentrate on ending the marriage. I can’t keep doing this. You’re so right, about regretting not saying “yes” . It’s like I’m waiting for him to do something really bad like he use to, so I can justify telling him to go.

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Chasingthelight,
Thank you for posting, it helps knowing I’m not alone that there is a place where you’re completely understood.
I’m sorry you’re in the same situation, like you I have family and pets that I don’t want to leave, that keeps you stuck in a loop.
I will never understand how they say they love you so very much, yet hurt you so badly and believe that’s ok.

[Learntoliveagain]

Thank you Lisa for understanding. I’m feeling so overwhelmed with my emotions right down.
I dont know how I would of coped once I finally understood and accepted that I’ve been in a abusive relationship over (detail removed by Moderator) years, without the support of the forum.

[Learntoliveagain]

We share the same reasons we are still with them, @nbumblebee.
It is so sad that the kindness, support, strength and courage we will willingly give someone else that we know are hurting, we can’t give to ourselves. The fear of not knowing how bad things might get once the words “it’s over I cant live like this anymore, I want a divorce” leaves our mouths.
I feel like I’m on a ticking bomb waiting for that moment (all day, everyday), yet when he hands that moment to me I don’t take it…..
Like you, I get so much hope from this forum, it has seen me through some really hard days and for that I will always be so grateful.
One day I hope we both write a post like @alicenotichains.
Keep safe and take care Nbumblebee x

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Alicenotichains,
Thank you your message and for the words of encouragement and support.
I’ve lost count how many times in the past he has threatened to leave and like you I have begged and physically held him back to stop him leaving. The hurt and shame I feel now, knowing he was never going to leave he just wanted me to beg him to stay to make him feel better.

In my head there is no going back, I can’t unthink all the terrible memories or forgive him evertime he drinks to much and starts being a bully.
It’s so reassuring and gives me hope when I read that so many of you have found that strength to leave and you sound like you have a great life now.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve left it to late to leave, being the wrong side of 50.

I know you say there is no timescale and I know that is true but I can stop the panic I feel when he talks about what do I want to do for Valentines day, or what have I planned for his big birthday like he thinks we’re a normal happy husband & wife.
I just want some peace, to come home from work and relax and be happy not to feel so much anxiety when I see his car pull up and wonder if he’s been to shop and bought more beer.
I want so badly to move on from this and start a post like you did saying I’m a post abuse survivor. Instead I’m feeling so trapped.
Thank you for giving me so hope x

[Learntoliveagain]

Thanks Lisa.

[Learntoliveagain]

Hello Nbumblebee,
Thank you for all your support you have given me since I joined the forum a while ago now. You are always so supportive and encouraging to everyone on here, you’re an amazing woman.
I like the positive thought that it’s a side step not a backwards step.
I cant help feeling I’m disappointing my friends and family by not finding the courage to tell him that it has to stop.
Take care Numblebee hope you too can find the strength and courage someday soon x

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Babme,
Thank you for replying. I’m so sorry you’re going through the same and that you feel you have to just go along with things to make sure you give your children a lovely holiday. It hurts knowing that they know how you’re feeling but they just don’t care as long as they get their own way.
You’re so right they do think they are the decision makers and the marriage isn’t over unless they say so. Unfortunately I’ve worked out my husband is never going to walk away and do the right thing. He would rather live in this toxic relationship everyday, even though he knows what it does to me and my grown up children.
I’m guessing your husband is the same.

I hope you somehow manage to find the strength to have a nice holiday for your children, and the strength and courage to proceed with the divorce when you get home.
Take care, and thank you again for your support x

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi Hereforhelp,
Thank you for replying, at the moment I need all the support I can get. It never stops surprising me, when I here that someone’s husband/partner says exactly the same as mine and uses the same manipulating tactics. For so many years you just think it’s your husband that says and does those things, when in fact all the women on here have the exact same things said/done to them.

I have tried telling him I still feel the same way as I did before his dad died. He then excused me of just pretending to care and that he thought things between us was ok again now. God knows how he thinks that as his behaviour hasn’t changed…..
So tired of having to keep going though the same crap everyday.
I dont have a support worker, I’ll have to see how I can get one.
Thank you again for your support (for everyone’s support on here) it really does make you feel you’re not alone x

[Learntoliveagain]

Morning Lottieblue,
Thank you for your message and support. It is always encouraging to hear that someone has managed to find strength to escape marriage after going through a similar experience. It must of been hard, but I imagine it must be so good to just be able to be yourself and live again without walking on eggshells ever day. Everyday I find myself daydreaming of a happier future without one form or another of abuse.
I’m going to take your advice and see if I can get an appointment with my GP. I dont have an support, I’ve spoken to someone on live chat at Womens Aid, but I don’t have a someone I can contact.
Thank you again x

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