Lionking

[Lionking]

Hi bananaboat,

Sorry to hear this and hope you find some good support for it. In the meantime I was recommended a book called “the power of showing up” which is a great way of connecting with your child in a developmentally appropriate way to make them feel safe, seen, soothed and secure. I found it an easy enough read too.

 

Hope this helps!

[Lionking]

Yes you’ve done the right thing. I asked my husband to leave months ago and have just packed my bags to move to a shelter tomorrow. I naive in thinking he would leave peacefully, finally realising that I had to be the one to go.

I hope he gives you the peace you deserve. X

[Lionking]

Oh I’m so sorry this is all happening.

If youre having sex to keep his mood in check, that is sexual coercion. If you’re doing it because he guilt trips you into it. It is sexual coercion.

Everything else sounds like a mirror of my life, so similar to my husband and I am absolutely walking out.

We have small children and he is devastated that he will not get to live with them but he is not a good role model for them.

I don’t want my kids growing up to think it’s okay to treat people that way or to accept being treated that way.

I’m doing it for them.

[Lionking]

Oh I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. I honestly have tears in my eyes reading this. You never deserved any of what you. You sound like a lovely, caring, empathic person who only wanted the best for their family. Well done for getting out. This is not normal and it is not okay.

[Lionking]

I actually hadn’t even read Lisa’s response before typing my own but I am just a perfect example of what she has said.

[Lionking]

My OH is currently in a abusers programme and honestly he purely using it as a means to further manipulate and abuse me.

He tells me the programme is geared towards people who stay together. He told me the leader said what he had done wasn’t that bad and that he should try get me into couples counselling. He said that the leader told him that if I go through with the separation that our kids will always wonder if it was because of them and will need therapy in their twenties to get over it.

So he’s not only not making progress to change his behaviour but he’s using it as a tool to further control me.

 

Luckily there’s a psychologist linking I’m with me who will pass onto them what really happens but she has no loyalty to them or my partner and is helping me get out safely.

[Lionking]

The only problem now is we have another holiday booked coming soon. It’s for (detail removed by Moderator) and with (detail removed by Moderator) other families and we have paid in full for it.

My daily life wouldn’t be worth living if I pull out of it.

I feel so trapped.

 

[Lionking]

Thanks for all the responses. I’m home now and feeling better. I turned down the advances (detail removed by Moderator) and he changed tack and tried to use emotion to manipulate me – saying how lovely our family is and what an amazing life we have together if I give it another shot. And what a terrible life we will have if I don’t!!

I didn t give in and was met with sulking (detail removed by Moderator).

He tried to kiss me earlier and I managed to cut that off.

Now back to the sulks…(detail removed by Moderator). He says he’s done with it all – who knows what that means

[Lionking]

Agree with Happybelle. Have faith in yourself. One day youll see the life you want and nothing will stop you getting there. Try reading ‘Manifest’ by Roxie Nafousi. X

[Lionking]

Agree with Happybelle. Have faith in yourself. One day youll see the life you want and nothing will stop you getting there. Try reading ‘Manifest’ by Roxie Nafousi. X

[Lionking]

I second reading Lundy Bancrofts book. My husbands abuse is also incredibly subtle but that book helped to give me the language I needed to describe what he was doing to me.

I’m a SAHM and my husband has given me money whenever I have asked but…he also asks what I have spent it on once I ask him for more. He has never told me I can’t see friends but exclaims how impossible it is for him to handle the kids without me unless I have laid everything out for him. When I come home he is such fowl form that I never want to go again. How do you explain that to someone?? How do you tell people that it is because of his demeanor and tone of voice that I don’t see my friends anymore?

I also see reflections of my life because my husband also said for a long time that I was “doing nothing” at home with our kids and couldn’t understand why the house wasn’t clean. He even called me abusive because he said an untidy house was anxiety inducing for him and me not keeping it clean was abusive towards him.

I lost myself in motherhood in the most beautiful way and I don’t regret one second. I have my kids full time and will likely home educate. I’m in the process of leaving and I can’t wait to be doing it without feeling paralysed and suffocated by his moods.

It’s likely that you are none of the things he is claiming you are except that you are a victim of abuse and there’s nothing that sucks energy out of someone more than that.

Wishing you all the best. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!! X

[Lionking]

Oh I hear you!! When my husband told (detail removed by moderator) she sent me a text saying she heard we were “having trouble” and to let her know if she can do anything.

His (detail removed by moderator) said he told her what had gone on and that she can (detail removed by moderator). Said we’re both under a lot of pressure and she will help wherever she can.

No!! We’re not having trouble and no…we’re not “under pressure. Your son and brother is an abuser!! That’s two very different things!

Honestly…every day now I wish he had beaten me black and blue so people would feel I’m justified in leaving him.

We’re currently living together while I’m waiting for my poor dad to spend his inheritance on buying me a house so I can get away from my husband. And they’re acting like our marriage has broken down.

Horrendous.

[Lionking]

Have you read ‘why does he do that?’ By lundy Bancroft. It has been my absolute bible on this journey.

It helped to put words on the “muddy” behaviour that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Regarding the kids, I have small kids too and did lots of research on the effect of witnessing psychological trauma on children. Many children who witnessed both physical and emotional abuse of their mother grew to tell that the emotional/psychological abuse was far more damaging for them. It created girls with crippling low self esteem and boys continue the cycle.

A girl will marry their dad and a boy will become him…unless you get them out.

Sending love and strength x

[Lionking]

I have done a good bit of research on this and asked 3 psychologists who all said the same thing.

If they had to choose between living with someone who has abusive tendencies or else dealing with parental separation and all the stress that goes with that, they would choose separation.

That being said, I know what you mean about the upheaval and stress. Since I’ve told my husband about leaving, it had been painful.

I even told him I would give it another shot but secretly have kept planning to leave. I couldn’t pretend for longer than (detail removed by Moderator) weeks but the (detail removed by Moderator) weeks were nice.

[Lionking]

Thank you also for saying that your husband is 2 different people because so is mine and sometimes it’s hard to remember that ANY abuse shouldn’t be tolerated.

My husband can be so nice. To me, to the kids etc. Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the man and the monster.

[Lionking]

Ah very similar situation here. Except some physical aggression too – never any punching or kicking or anything that would leave a mark but plenty that would be classed as assault.

I’ve told him I want to separate and honestly it’s been hell. I even told him I’d give him another shot just to stop the harassment but I only lasted (detail removed by Moderator) weeks before he berated me for not being physically affectionate enough and I told him

I’m getting in touch with my local outreach programme and a solicitor but I fear we will be in the same house for months.

We have (detail removed by Moderator) amazing kids and like others I’m sickened this is my story.

I wish I could leave tomorrow.

[Lionking]

I read the book ‘why does he do that?’ By Lundy Bancroft. It was eye opening in general but one of my favourite parts told me that respect and abuse cannot co-rxist. You dont abuse the one you respect and you don’t respect the one you abuse.

You deserve better.

[Lionking]

I’m so sorry this has happened. My husband called me horrible things in front of my kids. He called me a moron recently and then when i lost it and screamed that he shouldnt speak to me like that, he ignored me for days for losing my temper. Just horrendous.

You should not be shouted at or called anything in front of your kids or alone!!. It’s so hard to see any light with the financial abuse. Have you gotten in touch with local supports? You deserve to live a happy life.

[Lionking]

I could have written this message (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago and I flopped back and forth twice since then. I listened to his begs and please, accepted his flowers and almost went on a date with him. But now I’m sure and he is gone and is gone for good.

I read lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?” And it helped me to see that even after quitting weed, doing therapy and joining an abuser programme (all changes he promised to make) I really don’t think he will change completely. He feels entitled to ‘be’ in this the world on his own terms entirely and no amount of work will put him on an even keel with anyone. He genuinely believes he “sees the world a different way to most people”.

Stay strong. If your relationship was what you deserve, you wouldn’t be here. X

[Lionking]

Thank you all for your amazing replies. I’m taking everything into account. I’m not in the UK but will look for something like the freedom programme in my locality so thanks for that.

So far my partner has fully accepted his abuse. He also sees it in his parents and has wept at the thought that his mum experienced this for (removed by moderator) years. He has applied for an abusers programme (removed by moderator) and is willing to engage fully with them. He has accepted our relationship is over and is looking for somewhere to live more permanently but nearby to our kids. He has asked me to keep him informed of any behaviours that make me feel uncomfortable. He has expressed a wish to fix all of it regardless of its effect on our relationship, but because he wants to be a better person. He says he sees the effects of the abuse on our children and he is so happy that this has all happened because now he can break the cycle of abuse.

In the meantime, I’m not holding my breath and will begin work on myself and concentrate on that regardless of any “progress” he makes. I have a lot of healing to do and know that my childhood, while not to blame, made me the perfect candidate for an abusive relationship – I ended up living with my narcissistic mother (removed by moderator) after most people leave home. I also went straight from living with my mother to living with my partner: something which my partner brought up and said how sorry he was about it.

Thank you all for reading and responding x

[Lionking]

One thing that helped me find the power was reading a post in this forum from a woman who wished she had left 10 years before. Do you really want to look back in 10 years or 5 years or 1 year and feel stuck in the same place?

Reading “in the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft helped me to see what was really going on and find language to describe the subtle things I couldn’t describe.

Wishing you so much strength and luck!!

[Lionking]

Thank you both. I told him and it’s done. He’s going to look for somewhere to go. I’ve gone from smiling ear to ear to uncontrollable tears and sadness several times today. I’m certain of my decision but still so, so sad it has turned out this way. I’m also terrified of what the future will bring but know in my heart of hearts that I was living a half-life. I can’t wait for it to get easier. This has been the longest day of my life.

[Lionking]

Thank you so much. It was so nice to read a response before getting into bed. I told him I was fling asleep and he said that seems to be the main excuse these days.

He tried to tell me not to make him out like the abusers I read about online. That he never hot a kick out of controlling me and we can move forward together but honestly, every time he looks me in the eye I’m terrified.

I’ve realised too much now.

[Lionking]

I’m literally counting down the days until I can leave. I’m trying to be hopeful but realistic and thinking we might be our my Christmas. Sending all the vibes into the universe I can to make that happen.

[Lionking]

Thank you Bananaboat!

Sounds very like my experience so it’s very nice to hear someone being in the same position.

I’m doing my own thing in the evening but still feel so suffocated by his presence. He keeps asking to do couples therapy, whether we stay together or not. Says we need to learn to communicate better as if that’s the issue!! He’s also going through “the most stressful and busy time in his life”.

I’m just trying to look forward to a new life but feel so horribly in limbo and there are nights I miss everything.

[Lionking]

Thank you and I love your advice. I’m trying to “manifest” the life I want but it’s hard to send positive vibes out given the current circumstances.

But im trying to think about how ill decorate my future home and what my evenings/days will look like etc. So I’ll keep on keeping on with that 🙂

[Lionking]

Yes, I told him I wanted to separate months ago but he only accepted it very recently.

I’m waiting for a windfall that’s due to hopefully buy somewhere and get farther away.

They’re great tips – I’ll start logging some reminders that I can look at when it’s tough.

And yes, I’ve started posting here more as we’re living separately in the evenings but I still don’t feel comfortable actually doing my own thing.

Thanks 🙂

[Lionking]

This is so true!! If you were in a relationship that you deserve, you wouldn’t have to contact womens aid.

I was offered a “domestic violence support worker” last week. I keep reminding myself that you don’t get one of those unless you need one.

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